Story: Fade
Summary: Sometimes, China was numb. Numb to life. Numb to the world. Only in the dreams that he was dying did things actually seem right, however he wasn't broken. No, to say that would imply he could be 'fixed'. He was shattered, dulled down, and he'd never be anything but a shell of what he once was. In reality, he just wanted to fade.
Disclaimer: I don't own Hetalia, nor China. :/

Please note that I'm won't have China's obligatory(is that the word?) 'aru', unless you guys really want it to be there.

Sometimes, he was numb. Numb to pain. Numb to life. Numb to the world. Too numb to truly care about anything. China was tired. He was hurt. He was unhappy; his citizens were unhappy, depressed, and angry. Since he was a nation personification, he felt their emotions, and even while he did feel theirs, he also had his own feelings, not as China, but as Yao. He was still human deep down. He didn't like the way a lot of the people in charge were handling some of the country's matters, but his feelings were barely anything compared to the heavy burden, constant uncertainty, deepening depression, rage, and contradicting voices influencing China's side of him.

However, if there was one thing that the both minds had in common, it was that both sides of him just wanted to die, more than anything. So why hadn't he? Well he had tried, over and over, just to once again wake up later to find himself either bandaged up in a stretcher in some local ER, which was very rare, or still just lying in a pile of his own blood.

Being one of the oldest nations in the world, he'd probably tried to commit suicide far more than most anyone else, considering his history, and even if he subconsciously knew it was pointless, he still kept trying. Not very many people knew, except for Hong Kong and Taiwan, who had somehow or another found out about him trying to jump. Both of them pretty much seemed to be avoiding speaking to him ever since, minus the few moments they had communicated with him about important business or trade matters. Afterward, he did try again a few times, however eventually, he just reached a point where he finally just gave up on it, and instead, began using other means to 'escape'; Self-harm, though a better word would be 'masochism'.

He had burnt himself, cut himself, and almost anything that caused him to bleed. If even for a little while, he wanted to be able to be able feel something and know he and everything was real, despite the irony. He had to make sure this was not all just some delusion in some never-ending nightmare, as strange as it might sound.

He'd always liked wearing those long sleeves, and it was partially because of that that he did. They covered up the many scars, burn marks, bruises, open wounds and cuts that, over time, had littered both of his entire arms, from his wrists all the way up to his shoulders. Of course, he didn't mind his clothes anyway, but considering the situation, he had been able to appreciate them even more than before.

"So we've been thinking about sending a group of people to Mars on a one way trip one day. It'd be an awesome idea if we only had more resources to use. When we do, I'm gonna seriously claim it as mine, and build like fifty different McDonalds all over it."

"That's lovely, America, however, I would appreciate it if you to knocked yourself out on your own time. Right now, we have far more important matters to discuss, so will you please take a seat?"

"Help me, Germany! Big brother France is acting really scary!"

"Honhonhonhon~! Won't you come back here and give your big brother France a hug?"

"EVERYONE, WILL YOU SHUT UP?!" Germany exclaimed, finally silencing the room.

Another typical World Conference. Once again, America was being loud and obnoxious. Once again, no one seemed to be getting along. Hardly anything constructive was going to be accomplished, as always. China leaned his elbow against the surface of the large black conference table, resting the side of his face in the palm of hand beneath his sleeve, momentarily and unintentionally dosing off due to fatigue.

"You should ask China. He would know, Da?", was the first thing he remembered heard after waking up.

"Well, China?" looking around, the Chinese man found that at that second, he was in center of everyone's gazes. All eyes in the room were immensely set on him, as if they were expecting him to reply. A second later he noticed Ivan sitting not that far away from him, grinning innocently, and that's when realization dawned on him, that that Russian bastard had done that on purpose, just to humiliate him in front of everyone, just so he and everyone else could see him in distress! Now everyone was looking at him, watching him...! Anxiety was not a problem he often had to deal with, but it suddenly felt as though the space around him was getting smaller with every passing second.

'Damn it... I need to get out of here...!' he realized, and immediately got up, avoiding eye-contact with anyone and ran out the room, and down the hallway as fast as his feet could go, slightly staggering all the way. When he finally reached a bathroom, he hurriedly turned the faucet on, splashing some water over his face, in the hopes to calm down at least a little bit.

Moments later, he heard the door open, his heart briefly palpulating. He swiftly turned around, expecting to see Ivan - or possibly even the stupid American - standing there when he'd turned around, but was somewhat relieved, yet somehow worried in equal measures, when he found it was only Kiku.

"Japan...!" he exclaimed, still slightly startled.

Noticing how tense the eldest nation was at the moment, Japan backed up slightly.

"China-san, are you alright...?" he asked, obviously just out of politeness. For centuries, there had always been a subtle awkwardness when the two were alone that made it very difficult for both Asains to know what to say to the other, and converse with each other.

"Yes. Sorry, I'm fine..." he replied trying to sound as calm as possible, and before Japan had the chance to respond, China quickly left the room.

"I wonder what time it is... How long was I was asleep for earlier anyway...?" he mused, gazing down at his phone. However, before he could even manage to get a glimpse of the time on his screen, he heard both of the Italy brothers' voices, moments later he saw them walking someways ahead of him.

"This is fucking ridiculo, I tell you! Let me go, damn it!" Lovino snapped, irritably

"But, Romano, it'll be fun! Come on, fratello~! Please?" Feliciano begged, hugging close.

"I already said no! I don't have the time to do some stupid karaoke! So just leave me the hell alone...!"

"Stupid Spain... Stupid brother...!" their gaze momentarily met before he glared at the older nation. "Tch, what the fuck are you looking at, you stupid communist bastard...?!"

He didn't hesitate to glare back, as he'd never really cared to simply hold back just for the sake of being 'polite'. He was just simply honest and to the point when it came to expressing his thoughts.

He sighed, rubbing the bridge of his nose. Right now, though, he was honestly feeling three completely different emotions right now. Two of them, regrettably, belonged to Yao; one part of him knew a bit of what the younger nation had been through - rejection, insecurity, inferiority, and even self loathing - and with such said, considering the fact that another part of him couldn't bring himself to care, he wouldn't have minded just letting the South Italian cuss him out to his hearts desire, however seeing as he was also China, he couldn't allow personal feelings, nor someone else's feelings to influence him. So he simply turned away.

"Hey! I just asked you a fucking question, dammit!" Romano demanded from behind."What the hell were you doing there!? Were you spying on us?! Answer me, dammit!"

China grew extremely tense when he felt the bandages on his arms being snagged as he made an to grab him by the wrist. The Asian man immediately spun around, catching both of Romano's hands within an instant. He held them so tightly, that Romano instinctively cut himself off. China's gaze bore into Romano's, and Romano seemed to be able read the message in which his eyes were conveying, "I have no real reason to hurt you, but if you dare challenge me or get in my space again, I won't hesitate, nor would I regret my actions."

Lovino swallowed, unable to bring himself to speak any further.

"I don't hate you, nor do I like you. You are nothing to me. So don't push your luck, boy. Don't touch me again, or I won't hesitate to cut you. Do you understand?"

"...Si." came the reluctant and muttered reply, before the South Italian was released, and allowed himself to sinking to his knees.

China then left him and continued further down the hallway to now see North Italy sitting against the wall, sobbing into his folded arms. He couldn't help but wonder why he was even bothering with any of this.

(Sorry for all the 'Italy' business. It really is too confusing Dx T.T)

"You've lost some things haven't you, Feliciano?" the North Italian seemed to jump at hearing his voice.

"...Eh?" Italy inquired, raising his head, confused by his question-slash-statement.

"You put on an act as if everything is okay, even though it hurts, and you always continue smiling... I know doesn't concern me, but it actually kind of annoys me..." China said, sighing.

Feliciano's curl seemed to bounce a bit as he thought about it, before finally giving a soft, but very genuine smile.

"It's good to be sad every once in a while, because otherwise how could we cherish happiness, if we didn't know what it was there for...?" he paused for a second, looking away, his smile seeming to falter a bit. "But some people get sad more often than others, and...well, if smiling through my pain will help even one person be able to laugh, or making get through another day easier, then I would sacrifice every shred of my happiness just to see everyone smiling. Besides it's not like it's possible for my to lose that happiness, because seeing those close to me, and not, happy is the thing that makes me the most happy."

"So you actually think it's possible to make everyone in the world happy...?" Yao dryly replied, obviously in disbelief that such a thing was even possible. "You're an idiot, you know that...?"

Italy softly nodded in reply, seemingly unphased. "Si... Germany, Romano, Big Brother France, Mr Austria and even Japan keep telling me that." his laugh sounded a little to carefree for Yao's comfort or liking, but he stayed quiet and listened anyway. "They tell me it's pointless to want to make everyone happy, but if I listened to them, and told myself that I can't help everyone, then I'd simply be labeling everyone as unsaveable, and I wouldn't be able to help the ones I could've helped, because I'd told myself it was all for naught..."

After a long moment of silence, China turned back toward the direction of the meeting room to get his stuff, seeing as the meeting was more than likely already over. "Honestly, they may be noble words, but I still think you're an idiot."

With that, he walked away.

"Ve~ Germany, I-" moments later, however, he heard the northern Italian's innocent voice, immediately cut off by Germany's loud and stern voice echoing down the hallway.

"ITALY! WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?!" he demanded. The last thing China could make out was him whining, "Ve-e-eeee!"

When he reentered the world meeting room, sure enough, most of the nations had left. Except of course - his luck - America and Russia, alongside England and France who were once again at each others necks. He didn't even bother trying to sneak by (had he actually resorted to the that?) without them noticing, because it was obvious that one of them would notice him either way, and they'd be far more likely to say something if he appeared to be all worked up and tense.

However, no such luck, as expected.

"Oh, China's back~"

~End of Chapter.

A/N: Sigh... I'm so tired right now... I'll try to update when I get more inspiration, though this will probably end up as a two-shot, but you can expect a little more of Kiku in this, not as a pairing, though(Even though I do ship ChuNi, Along With RoChu and so many more~ 3). Anyhow, please review. Any errors in Spelling, Grammar, punctuation, whatever else, please feel free to correct me. Ja ne~! ^^