A/N: Kudos to Little Donkey for the (super quick) beta!

Chapter 19: USS Panay Incident

With the help of the other carriers, I was able to sneak out of the inn and head straight back to the base.

I only managed to exchange a few words with them before I left.

Souryuu mentioned to me she had been commissioned, and all three of them would join my battle in the near future.

I wanted to tell Akagi that we would meet again, but something held me back.

Who could say for sure that we would?

And I hated to tell that to her beautiful smiling face when she gave me a farewell hug.

"Thank you for everything, Kaga-san."

"Don't mention it. Just...take care of yourself."

"I will."

"I mean it."

"Yes, I heard y-"

"I really mean it."

She looked surprised when I held on to her and didn't let go.

Since I secretly made contact with Akagi, the nightmares had begun to decrease. But they still left a scar within me nonetheless.

"Who's supposed to be worrying about who here?" she giggled.

"I...I'm sorry. That must sound strange, huh...?"

"It's alright. I know there has to be reason for you to say that," she smiled, "Oh, before you go, I think Hiryuu-san would want a word with you here."

"Hiryuu-san...? What..."

"Thank you, Akagi-san, I'll make this real quick."

Raising an eyebrow at her tone, I followed her to the yard with a slowly sinking feeling.

Was she going to scold me about what happened earlier?

Had my image in her eyes taken a serious hit?

Had I failed tremendously as her senpai?

"Listen up, Kaga-san. This is just something I heard from a close friend of mine," she started, "I don't really want to talk about this, but guess I can't put off the evil hour any longer. The war is much worse and bloodier than was expected."

The tense feeling in my chest lessened.

So she wanted to talk about the war.

...hopefully only about the war.

"I have a feeling it is true."

"The Army aren't even confident that we can conquer the capital within this year," she went on, "The enemy is persevering. It is clear that they are stalling us, because they cannot hope to win by themselves. The only way they can win over our technologically superior Army and Navy is through holding out for outside help."

I suddenly remembered the Bloody Saturday photo.

"...Then they are doing a good job of it so far," I said, "Although we've reached an appreciable level of air superiority, we've already lost half of our planes."

"The problem here is the enemy isn't the only one thinking of getting their allies into the war."

"I beg your pardon?"

"As the Army go farther and farther from our country, the General Headquarters are starting to lose control of our infantry units. And I have been reliably informed that there are factions, within our own military, who have rather...weird ideas about challenging the enemy's other allies into the war. And this faction is gaining power."

"Do our people want to wage war with another country at the same time? Doesn't that sound overly confident?"

"Not just another country. A stronger country in all terms of military strength and production. A country whom we also depend on for our resources. Well, maybe there still exists a way that we could win. We'll see how idealistic our people become once we conquer the capital."

"But if we don't defeat that other country, we won't achieve victory, right?"

Hiryuu paused when she looked at my face.

I didn't know what kind of expression I was wearing.

I just understood that the war would never end if we didn't fight, no matter what the results were.

"...who knows. They might not want to enter this war. Don't you think wars are a pain?"

This time I couldn't give her a reply.

Hiryuu had never fought in a war, she wouldn't understand.

Or maybe it was just me who thought this way.

Everyone, from the small destroyers to the heavy battleships, shouldered the responsibility of their birth no matter what their age.

We didn't have a choice.

"How did you know about all this, Hiryuu-san?"

"I just happened to be good friends with a guy called Yamaguchi."

"I see."

She sighed and patted my shoulder. "Right now I think you should just focus on your job," she said, before adding with a little bit of a frown, "...and get a better hold of your libido."

Oh, so she really did know.

I got hot under the collar, but I tried to maintain a neutral expression. "Sure, thanks for the warning," I replied casually, "And I suggest you to get along better with Souryuu-san."

"Why should I?"

"She's trying to."

"Then it's none of your business."

"Is that how you talk to your senior?"

I saw her fidgeting and avoiding my eyes.

For such a young aircraft carrier, being built in the middle of a war might give her a sense of anxiety and unrest.

Everyone around her was talking about the war, bombing, and carriers, while she was still unfinished herself.

It was understandable that she felt hesitant to make friends with the other girls.

"...Fine. But you have to know that she's trying really hard for you, Hiryuu-san. And if you continue being stubborn, you won't have anyone left for you once the war gets hold of your life," I said coldly before turning away.

She gritted her teeth and yelled at me, "You're hot stuff now at war and you might have the best pilots in the world, but you're never going to be the best carrier forever, Kaga...!"

I stopped dead in my tracks and shot her a dirty look. Her tone cut no ice with me.

"The Circle Three plan is already underway," she said, "They are going to build two more standard carriers who would exceed us in nearly every aspect, without restrictions of any treaty. The best carriers in the world. You would be nothing compared to them, Kaga."

Gifted carriers.

They were going to create carriers who would not understand what hard work meant, how much disadvantage the early carriers had to face to improve their designs, simply by virtue of being born at the right time.

They would create literal children.

Children who wouldn't have the faintest idea about the world, children who would be too proud of their inexperience.

Children who would never feel the ridicule that Akagi and I had faced.

I walked away from Hiryuu in disgust.

"Don't lump me in with those children," I spat, and Hiryuu let me go in complete silence.

The whole time I stayed in the main base for my provision, the Navy cut all ties between me and Akagi.

After what I had done behind their backs, I could only bow my head and follow orders.

A month later, I was ready to be sent back to the front lines.

I slightly hoped that the war would end when I was back in Japan, but of course it didn't come true.

It was clear that the other fleet girls were also waiting for when they could finally be free to return home.

But we could not stop here.

After the capital fell to out hands, I kept going on mission after mission, destroying more strategic places from the Eastern and Southern seas. I would make two more brief trips to my homeland for replenishments and replacements, but this time I didn't get to meet anyone.

On November, when anchored to an island base, I was ambushed by enemy aircraft. However, even without any escorts on hand, my fighters were more than able to fight them down. The bombs missed me and the enemy planes were shot down, sending the rest of them to flee. Mutsu commented that "our strongest carrier is capable of defending herself" and I could feel the admiration in everyone's eyes.

This experience...I would dedicate it to protect my friends, my country, my people.

I wanted to be strong...strong enough to end this war.

On October, Houshou transferred all of her planes to Ryuujou and returned home, while Ryuujou herself went back home the next month. Houshou was put on reserve for her modernization, while Ryuujou was assigned to become a training ship for awhile. At least that was what I heard from the others, since I was still banned from using the phone.

That left me as the only aircraft carrier left in the foreign waters.

On December, I was assigned as the flagship of the 1st Carrier Division.

So far, this war only felt like our country's attempt to take more and more land.

But the full horror of Hiryuu's warning wasn't brought home to me until one particular mission where I had to wake up at some unearthly hour to launch a sudden attack on enemy forces who were fleeing by ships.

At that time, I was under direct command from Nagato and Mutsu.

"Kaga-san, what did you see...?"

"Well..." I said to my radio, "According to the report, I should attack ten steamers but my bombers didn't see any of those. Instead, there are just three tankers...and a gunboat."

"Sink them."

Nagato's order was loud and clear in my ears, but there was something that made me hesitate.

"Nagato-san," I started, "This gunboat...she looks different from the others."

"Explain."

I tried to squint and focus my mind on the sight of the plane closest to that armed ship.

It was a little hard to tell without moving any closer, but...

"That ship...she has...flags..." I reported, "Strange flags. Bright colors...red and white stripes... Is it a country flag? A foreign ship? She does have the looks."

There was a long pause on the other side. "Nagato-san...?"

"We received direct orders to sink them," she told me, "Sink them all, Kaga-san. Don't leave any survivors."

"But...are you sure? It would be a big mistake for us to sink a ship belonging to a country that has nothing to do with us."

"It's an order," she said firmly, "We are told to sink her. That ship. Sink her along with the others."

Nagato's voice was emotionless, but at that time for me it was clear as day, even with the hum of plane engines in my ears.

"There are factions, within our own military, who would want to challenge the enemy's other allies into the war."

Someone was giving her orders without the authority of the General Headquarters.

Someone from the radical faction.

They were really gaining power.

In the vain hope of getting more information about them, I tried to persuade Nagato to explain further, but she made it clear that she was not listening to my demands.

"Kaga-san, why are you hesitating? Who's been putting these strange ideas in your head...?"

So...they had decided to make me do the honors and commit this outrageous act that could lead into a war with another country.

Do I even have a choice in this matter...?

Perhaps with this...the war would end more quickly.

"Attention...all aircraft."

Perhaps with this...I could speed up our progress and bring everyone back home safely.

"Your target...three tankers and one gunboat in the middle of the river. Pay no heed to the flags."

The bombers and fighters began to simultaneously change their course, heading toward the completely defenseless, ill-assorted fleet.

"Leave no survivors."

Screams of horror from that inhumanity rumbled in my ears for the rest of that day.

It was only after that devastating attack that I found out the name of the gunboat.

My aircraft didn't give the ships any mercy, they even fired at the smaller boats that tried to help them.

I didn't know what I was doing, I was just following orders.

But then came the news that the Navy denied everything that had happened.

"The attack was entirely unintentional," they said, "The pilots never saw any flags on Panay."

When I went back to the main base for another replenishment, I was called to the Red Brick to give a short inquiry, then they all let me go.

A lot of things were inconsistent. It was obvious that the orders were an unauthorized action.

But I still followed them anyway.

My country agreed to pay full indemnity for the incident, and the case was settled that way.

Is this what they really want...? I thought to myself, Which of them is correct...?

It was really hard for me to tell.

It came home to me just how little I had any say in determining the fate of my country.

While I was one of the ships that launched that provoking attack.

Would the people of my country...be okay with all this...?

It was worse when I heard from the Admiral what had happened in the enemy territory after the fall of the capital.

"The Army General is not rejoicing about this victory," the Admiral told me, "The General has never felt more humiliated. The Army have utterly lost control of their soldiers. There are victims...and we are not talking about a figure in the hundreds here. Everyday, thousands of innocent people are massacred, raped, and tortured by our own soldiers at this very moment, often in very inhumane and disgusting ways. And they did it all on their own...initiative. At least that's what the reports said anyway, who knows how true they are. Well...I didn't expect less from that Army."

"How..." I stammered, "How could that happen...haven't we already killed enough people already? What would our people think..."

"We have discussed this in a formal forum...and the house has decided that the people do not need to know the details."

I could only stare at the Admiral in stunned silence.

I felt like a huge stone was being put on my shoulders, sinking me deeper to the ground.

I was also responsible for those killings.

Initially...

I thought I could end the war quickly in this way...

So many...

So many lives that I had taken away...

"You don't need to concern yourself of such trivial matters, Kaga. You just need to be stronger and finish this war," the Admiral said, "Remember, you are absolutely forbidden from saying anything that might incriminate your comrades. You are dismissed."

I just came out of the Admiral's room when I heard loud sounds of footsteps coming closer to me.

"Whoa, look out! Look out! Get out of the way! !"

"What...?"

I saw a glimpse of something short and small dashing toward me and tackled my waist with a tight hug.

I thought my heart almost jumped out of my chest.

"Oh, man...not again."

A fleet girl with long twin tails and green attire stopped running in front of me and leant on her knees, struggling to catch her breath.

Then I realized that it was a young human child who just tackled me, and the fleet girl was hot on her heels.

The small child was hugging my waist so tight, this was getting rather awkward.

"Um..." I began.

"AN AIRCRAFT CARRIER...!" the child screamed at the top of her lungs.

I could almost see the stars in her eyes.

"IT'S AN AIRCRAFT CARRIER...!"

"I'm sorry, Kaga-san, this is Mei-chan. She's the Admiral's daughter," she tried to pull her away from me, but the little girl wouldn't budge, "Mei-chan...! You haven't finished your meal yet, and you know what they say, a hurried breakfast is bad for you...!"

"Oh..." I said nervously, "Oh...and you are...?"

"1st ship of Tone-class heavy cruisers...Tone...nice to meet you," she coughed.

"1st ship of Kaga-class aircraft carrier, Kaga."

"YOU ARE KAGA-SAN?" the child exclaimed in a high-pitched voice.

"This girl here is a fan of fleet girls," Tone explained, "There was a funeral ceremony in honor of those who had fallen in the war and this girl happened to tag along with her parents. They are a little preoccupied now so, she begged them to let a fleet girl look after her for a little while...and she won't stop doing this to every fleet girl she came across, especially hotshot ones like you...well, you get the idea..."

"KAGA-SAN, KAGA-SAN, CAN I SEE YOU LAUNCH A PLANE? PLEASE? PRETTY PLEASE?"

"Uh...she's pretty energetic," I remarked.

"You could say that."

She let go of me when I crouched down to her level and said, "Uh...Mei-chan, I cannot launch a plane in the base."

"Ehh? Why not?" she deflated in an instant, "I bet you look so cool when you do it!"

"If I do it here, I might hurt Mei-chan."

"Ah, I understand," she mumbled, "It is dangerous, isn't it?"

"Yes, it is."

"I heard that you made a mistake and sank the wrong ship!"

"Oh..." I said, feeling a little uncomfortable talking about something like this with such a young girl, "Yes, I did."

She pointed a finger at me and demanded, "Bad Kaga-san! Kaga-san should apologize!"

Tone panicked and told the girl to stop pointing at me, but I really didn't know how to respond.

In the end I bowed my head to her and said, "Kaga is very sorry."

"It is almost Christmas! Christmas is awesome, and happy, and everyone should be friends," she said excitedly, "My friends and I from school are planning to get money for Panay's people, to apologize for Panay!"

"For Panay...?"

"Yes, we are going to send Panay's people money and write them letters," she explained, "Because it is a mistake, and we are very sorry that Panay was sunk, so we should apologize, and it is Christmas, so we should all be kind to each other. And it is not just me. Everyone is thinking to help them! Mommy and Daddy's friends...all of them are also sending them letters and money! They are feeling so sorry about Panay, and hope that Panay's people could forgive the mistake. Then we can all be friends and celebrate Christmas together...!"

For a few seconds I could only stare at her in amazement.

The people were expressing sympathy for this foreign ship that I sank.

The people did not want to start a war with another country.

The people were sending donations and letters of apology to Panay's people.

The people, who had no inkling of what had happened in the battlefield, would never approve of all the murders, all the rapings...

What...

Her smile was so bright and blinding...

...am I supposed to do...?

"Alright, Mei-chan! Time to go back!" Tone said.

"Tone-nee-san, gimme a piggyback! A piggyback ride!"

"Oooh! That's an idea! Okay! Climb aboard!"

"Tone-nee-san, you're awesome!"

"I'm a real Onee-san, after all!"

Tone picked the girl up easily and they sped away to the other end of the corridor.

To my horror, Mei peered back at me and waved her hand happily.

"Bye bye, Kaga-onee-san...!"

"O-oh..." I stammered, "Bye bye."

And just like that, I was alone again, feeling more inhibited than ever.

My thoughts had become an absolute mess.

The full horror of the situation was becoming clear in my mind.

If we were going to start a war with this other country...all that help and sympathy would be in vain, wouldn't it...?

And what did it say of my country...who at the same time was brutally killing thousands of people across the sea...? Can this even be called hypocrisy...?

And what did it say of me...who built my achievements atop of piles of human remains...?

...what should I do...?

...what in the world could I do...?

We've gone far past the initial stages of this ruthless campaign...

"Bye bye, Kaga-onee-san...!"

I'm not...

...a reliable older sister.

I don't even know what I'm doing.

I don't even have a hope in hell of changing anything.

Tosa-nee-san...

What should I do...?

1937

The 3rd Naval Armaments Supplement Programme, or Circle Three Plan, was ratified, calling for 66 new combat vessels, including two Yamato-class battleships, two Shoukaku-class aircraft carriers, and fifteen Kagerou-class destroyers.

October 1937

Kaga returned to the front, and except for two brief trips to Sasebo, remained off China until December 1938, supporting military operations from the South and East China Seas.

11 November 1937

In Maanshan Islands anchorage, Kaga was attacked by 3 Chinese bombers. They were intercepted and shot down by Kaga's A5M "Claude".

12 December 1937

Kaga's aircraft participated in The Panay Incident, an attack in the Yangtze River on American gunboat USS Panay. The attack continued until Panay sank, killing three men and wounding 48 people.

The Japanese government accepted responsibility, but claimed the attack was unintentional. However, the USN decrypted an IJN message which reportedly indicated that the attack on Panay had been knowingly and deliberately planned by an air officer.

The United States government, anxious to avoid war, accepted the Japanese "mistake" explanation, received full indemnity from Japan and the incident was closed.

In the days following the Panay incident, Japanese citizens began sending letters and cards of sympathy to the American embassy in Tokyo. Ambassador Grew wrote that "never before has the fact that there are 'two Japans' been more clearly emphasized. Ever since the first news of the Panay disaster came, we have been deluged by delegations, visitors, letters, and contributions of money— people from all walks of life, from high officials, doctors, professors, businessmen down to school children, trying to express their shame, apologies, and regrets for the action of their own Navy."

The ambassador noted, "that side of the incident, at least, is profoundly touching and shows that at heart the Japanese are still a chivalrous people." These signs of sympathy were expressed as the ambassador was receiving word of possible atrocities being committed by Japanese forces in China.

13 December 1937

After capturing the capital city of Nanking, Japanese soldiers murdered Chinese people, that numbered an estimated 40,000 to over 300,000, and perpetrated widespread rape and looting in what would be known as The Nanking Massacre.

A large number of civilians were brutally killed, stabbed, shot, bayoneted, or burnt before being buried in a trench called "The-Ten-Thousand-Corpse-Ditch", and the women and children were often killed immediately after being raped, often through explicit mutilation or by penetrating vaginas with bayonets, bamboo sticks, or other objects, while pregnant women's stomaches were cut open after being raped and their fetuses stabbed to death.

18 December 1937

As General Iwane Matsui began to comprehend the full extent of the rape, murder, and looting in the city, he said that he "can never get in a mood to rejoice about this victory ... I personally feel sorry for the tragedies to the people, but the Army must continue unless China repents. Now, in the winter, the season gives time to reflect. I offer my sympathy, with deep emotion, to a million innocent people."