Disclaimer - I own nothing you recognise.

Written for;

The Hardcore Marauder Fan Competition - Write a Severitus fic after he learns of the death of Lily.

The Harry Potter Day Competition - Marauder Era Category.

WordCount without AN - 945

Numb The Pain

His vision already blurring as he stepped carefully over the rubble, Severus climbed the stairs of the Potter house in Godrics Hollow. He'd already passed James Potter lying lifeless on the floor with his wand still in hand, and he knew what he would find if he continued his path, but he had to know. He had to see with his own eyes. If only he'd been stronger, he could have stopped this from happening.

He was weak. A coward. Less than a coward.

His Lily was dead. She was sure to be dead, because nothing else could explain the state of the house. His Lily. His Love. The mother of his son. She'd tried to deny it at first. She'd told him that the baby was James', Harry was a Potter. Severus knew the truth. She called what had happened between them a mistake. Yelled at him that it couldn't happen again. Screamed that she never wanted to see him again. He knew that Harry was his child. Now, because he hadn't been strong enough, his love and his child were dead.

He'd never deserved her. This was the proof. He was a curse on anyone he cared about.

He neared the nursery, his eyes on the slightly open door. He was scared of what he would find beyond it. Had Voldemort played with them, had he cursed and tortured Lily before he killed her? She filled his gaze as he pushed the door open, her hair splayed out around her like a twisted red halo. Even in death, she was the most beautiful sight he'd ever seen. The tears that had been blurring his eyes since his arrival at the house fell down his face as he dropped to his knees beside her.

She was gone and it was all his fault.

He pulled her body into his arms, clutching her to his chest. Why her? Why did it have to be her? He half expected her to slap at his arms, force him to release her from his grasp, yell at him for being there, but he also knew she wouldn't. He would never hear her voice again. Would never see her emotional green eyes staring at him as though she could see deep into his soul with merely a glance. Would never see her fight with such passion and righteous anger.

He'd never forgive himself for her death.

A noise startled him from his grief, and he noticed for the first time that Harry was sitting up in his cot, staring at Severus with the same green eyes of his mother. The little boy was oddly quiet, the occasional whimper being the only sounds he made as he looked upon his mum. He had an angry cut on his forehead in the curious shape of a lightening bolt. Severus set Lily carefully back on the floor and stood up, moving towards the cot cautiously. No matter that the boy was his flesh and blood, this was the first time Severus had actually seen the child.

He didn't deserve to be a father. Harry would only be in danger.

"Harry," he whispered, leaning over the cot to stroke a single long finger along the boy's cheek. "I'm sorry, son."

Harry simply looked up at him, his head tilted to the side slightly. "Mama, up?"

Fresh tears fell to Severus' cheeks at his son's words, and he shook his head slightly. "Mama's sleeping," he murmured gently, afraid to startle Harry. Seeing the signs of tears in Harry's eyes, Severus hesitated slightly, then picked him up, holding him carefully against his chest.

"You'll be alright, Harry. You're a fighter. You'll be looked after by people who can care for you and love you, and you'll grow up knowing all about your mama and Ja- your dada. I wish I could be a better father. You'll thank me one day for not taking you with me. You will. I'm sorry, Harry. I'd be a useless father. You deserve better than I could ever be for you."

Innocent green eyes looked back at Severus, and as he placed the infant back in the crib, Harry's bottom lip wobbled. "Mama, up?"

Noises from below startled Severus. With a final look back at Lily, he pressed his lips to Harry's hairline and apparated away quietly. He had no business being there, at least, as far as anyone else was concerned. As soon as he entered the hallway of his house, he collapsed against the wall. In one night, his whole life had gone up in a blaze of fire, leaving not even ashes for him to wallow in.

His Lily was gone. His son would be taken to places unknown. The Dark Mark on his arm was fading with every second, and with it, taking away his purpose for living. He could no longer be a spy if there was no one to spy on. He couldn't be a father, because he knew his son deserved better. Lily was gone. Even if she had never been completely his, he knew that a small part of her was his and his alone. He knew, in her own way, as much as she despised him she loved him too.

Summoning the firewhiskey, he drank straight from the bottle in an attempt to numb the pain. As the Wizarding World at large raised their glasses to Harry Potter, the Boy-Who-Lived, Severus fell into an unconscious drunken state with Harry Snape on his mind.