Chapter One

The crying begins early that night. Bucky rouses himself tiredly and rubs his eyes, groaning. He feels an ache of exhaustion deep down in his bones, but Stevie is still bawling in the next room and so Bucky drags himself to his feet. He shuffles into the dark hall, following the sounds of the baby screaming.

"Hey, hey," he says quietly as he enters the room and scoops Stevie up. "Hey, shh, its alright, Daddy's here." Bucky cuddles Stevie to his chest with one arm and kisses his tiny head. "I'm takin' care of you."

Like he does almost every night, Bucky takes Stevie back to his bed with him, still rocking him and kissing him and trying to talk in a soothing voice and after a while, Stevie's crying subsides and Bucky watches him tiredly fall back into sleep.

He lays back down onto the bed with Stevie sleeping on his chest, listening to his quiet little breaths, and stares up at the ceiling and sighs. The sleep he returns to is anxious and frustratingly light.

In the morning, Bucky wakes early with baby drool dripping down his neck and Stevie still fast asleep. Bucky wipes up his neck with the corner of his t-shirt and makes a face and then slowly slides Stevie off of him until he can stand up.

He leaves Stevie asleep on his mattress as he stumbles into the bathroom. His hair is still sweaty and slick from a sleep less than restful and he runs his hand through it and frowns. His skin is sallow and there are dark rings under his eyes from lack of sleep. He examines himself from the right, in order to avoid looking at what is left of his left arm, lost above the elbow. He looks like death.

Bucky scrubs his face and takes a fast shower, then pulls his wet hair back into a ponytail and returns to Stevie. He dresses and picks him up, resting him against his shoulder again.

"Come on, Stevie, gotta wake up," Bucky says. "I gotta get to work, and your babysitter will be here soon." Stevie yawns and wriggles and Bucky keeps a steady hand on his back, cradling his butt and legs in the crook of his arm, and starts to rub his back. He takes him to the kitchen and, as Stevie's still waking, sits him in his highchair at the table. Bucky keeps talking to Stevie, just to fill the silence, not saying anything important, and Stevie makes faces in response, stretching and waving his tiny hands above his head as he sits. Bucky starts to throw together breakfast, heating up oatmeal for them both on the stove, and he brings Stevie a bottle of milk, warmed in the microwave.

When Mrs Carter arrives, he lets her in and hands her Stevie's bowl of oatmeal.

"The nebulizer's still in the closet if he has an asthma attack," Bucky tells her. "And there's more oatmeal on the stove for him if he's still hungry. If he gets bored, just put him in his crib with some stuffed animals or put on a TV show; he likes that. Dinner's in the fridge. I'll be back at five-thirty. Call me if anything goes wrong."

"Stevie'll be fine, Mr Barnes," Mrs Carter reassures him and Bucky grabs his bag of supplies and is out the door.

He catches a bus out of the suburbs and deeper into New York, where he gets out and walks to an office building. He hates this office building.

Bucky sits in his cubicle and fidgets with his computer, trying to get as little work done as possible. He stares into space as the office around him buzzes and-

-he's chained to a floor somewhere dark and the ground under him is cold and damp. he's tasting blood in his mouth, stale and copper, and he hasn't eaten in days. he feels fear. he's so afraid. he doesn't know where he is or who he is or what's happening.

he hears feet against the floor getting closer and he hears someone else breathing and he starts to weep.

Bucky finds himself again in his cubicle. He's gripping the corner of his desk so tightly his knuckles are white and he feels sweat beading on his forehead and he's breathing hard. His heart is racing and tears itch at the corners of his eyes.

"Not real, not real, not real," he says to himself over and over again in a hushed voice, so no one else around him can know something unusual is happening in the cubicle next to them and Bucky pries his fingers up from the desk. "Not real, not real, not real." He swipes shakily at his sweaty forehead and brushes his hair back from his face.

It feels real. He can still feel the shackles on his hands and feet and his bare skin against the ground. He can still feel the frantic, horrified fear, the dread in his stomach, the emptiness inside his head that gives him no name, no home, no nothing.

But it's not real, and Bucky continues to tell himself that, resting his head against the desk and bringing his arm up over his head. He squeezes his eyes shut and tells his heart to slow.

Bucky hates flashbacks, but at least no one notices him this time.

Bucky toughs it out to the end of the day, only a few hours left, and talks to no one. He eats lunch alone and focuses most of his energy on steadying his trembling hand.

Fury comes by his cubicle every so often, peering over his shoulder to make sure he's working, and Bucky manages to disguise his panicking for the few seconds he's there.

Then, at the very second the hand on the clock reaches the five, Bucky leaps from his desk and grabs his bag and races for the door.

Once he's returned home, he's calmed himself. He pays Mrs Carter for the day and greets Stevie with kisses.

"How about a walk?" He asks and Stevie cooes quietly and reaches up to play with the tips of his hair and Bucky loads him up in his stroller and takes him out to the park.

PSA: Today is April 4th and I go off the grid (read: on an LDS mission to California) on April 29th. So with that in mind, I'm going to be posting all my fanfiction with reckless abandon! I'm going to finish Unseen and Water and I'm going to cram in Stevie here and then I'm out of the fanfiction scene for 18 months. :( I just want to give everyone a heads up about what's going on and I'll continue to keep everyone posted with details the closer and closer it gets to the 29th.

But until then, enjoy another story from me! It'll be completed before the end of the month. :) -BlitheBells