CHAPTER 10

Kira

The next morning when I woke up Eric was already gone. I wasn't sure whether to be disappointed or relieved. The clock on the bedside table said it was only 08:00, but I didn't have my Fear training until 1.00 that day. Resisting the urge to go back to sleep in Eric's unfairly comfortable bed, I padded my way to the bathroom. I showered first, thinking if he let me sleep in his bed that Eric wouldn't have a problem sharing some soap. The full length mirror gave me a better look at the damage. It wasn't too bad, I had new bruises on my throat from where Peter had held me down, and some sore spots on my back from hitting the ground but other than that I was fine. Looking at the purple marks around my throat I couldn't quite believe he had given them to me. I knew we weren't exactly buds...but I didn't think he was this bad, not outside of the training room at least. Back in the spare room I found a clean set of my clothes that I quickly slipped into. I heard the door to the apartment open and close, and I tensed, listening for Eric's voice.

"Kira?" The relief flooded my body and I let out a breath.

"In here." His footsteps came quickly and he opened the door a crack before he came inside.

"Can I come in?" I smiled,

"Yeah, I'm decent."

"Making yourself comfortable I see," I started to protest, "Kidding, feel free to use whatever you need." He gestured with his head that I should follow him, and in the kitchen it was clear why. He had brought back food from the breakfast.

"In case you didn't want to go down there yet. I was at a meeting early this morning and I figured you wouldn't be awake yet so..." I stepped towards him and he trailed off. This was what I needed. That small show of concern that wasn't jealousy or anger. Just him simply wanting to make sure I was fed, even if I was too fragile to go down to The Pit just yet. I put my finger on his lips, and he took my meaning immediately. His hands went to my neck, careful to avoid the bruising, and tilted my chin up to meet him. This time when we kissed it wasn't animalistic and raw like it had been before. But somehow it was more powerful. I could feel the restraint in his touch, and how he was trying to be gentle when he lifted me onto the island. His mouth moved to my throat and I groaned as his short stubble grazed my skin. He took it as encouragement and deft hands removed my shirt, leaving me in just my bra. I noticed him looking where he had always tried to ignore before, in the training room and other places. I pushed off his shirt and pulled him closer to me, needing the skin on skin contact. The his kissing progressed downwards, nipping lightly at the skin of my breasts and pulling the sensitive nubs into his mouth. I moaned again and he made a contented noise before pulling back. I frowned at him,

"Why did you stop?" he shot me a mischievous grin

"Oh I'm sorry were you enjoying that?"

"Just a little." I bit my lip, and pulled him towards me again. He broke apart from the kiss after a few seconds and mumbled against my lips,

"How do you feel about moving this somewhere a little more comfortable?" His question was soft, and somehow I knew it was truly up to me if I wanted to go all the way. But My God did I want to go all the way, the feelings I had been repressing for months had finally come to a head and Four and Tris be dammed if I wasn't going to act on them. It wasn't fair that they got to hook up and I just had to sit by silently because I had chosen the wrong guy. I nodded and felt him smile as he picked me up again and took us towards his room.

He set me on the bed, and crawled on top of me, hovering over me without letting his body weight fully rest on me. My hands trailed down his stomach towards his pants and I heard a knock at the door.

"Ignore it."

"Gladly." I continued with his belt and had just started on the button when someone knocked again.

"Eric!"

"Shit!" He shot off of me and for a moment I was furious, thinking some other girl was here to see him...until he put a finger to my lips and mouthed 'Jeanine'. My eyes went wide and I nodded that I understood. He couldn't be seen like this with me. I was still an initiate and Eric was still my trainer. Max understood the circumstances that had brought me here the night before but Jeanine was cold logic. I padded quickly into the spare room and closed the door, leaving it open just a crack. I heard Eric open the door and greet her, but I couldn't quite make out what they were saying. All of a sudden it hit me. I was hiding from Jeanine in Eric's apartment. Granted she wasn't there hunting me as a Divergent but that was probably what this secret little meeting was about. I remembered Jeanine from Erudite, she had always seemed nice enough, if a little cold. But now...after knowing what Four had told me about the Divergent that were going missing in the other Factions. There had been one a few years ago in Dauntless. He was Tori's brother. He had moved through the ranks in Initiation too quickly and was caught and thrown off of the ledge into the pit. Jeanine might not have pushed him, but his blood was still on her hands. Regardless of the danger she posed to me, I had to hear what they were saying, for all our sakes. My hands were shaking, and the voices grew close enough for me to hear if I strained,

"The pieces are in place for Abnegation. After the dust has cleared, the other Factions will see that we did what we had to do."

"And if they don't agree?"

"They won't have a choice." there was a pause before Eric replied,

"The date is set?"

"After the graduation ceremony, we've gotten confirmation on the serum. There haven't been any adverse effects on our soldiers."

"Who's making the serum?" There was a pause and my breath caught in my throat, "You're kidding me." My blood ran cold.

"He's a brilliant scientist Eric. As...distasteful as his home life was with the girl, she's out of harm's way now. We must move on. There is no sense to exiling him for something that can never happen again."

"Did you know? About her I mean?"

"Why do you ask?"

"She's in my care. She's promising too, she'll go far in the new Dauntless."

"There were whispers," her tone changed for the first time in the conversation, almost sounding like regret, "If we would have investigated, we would never have gotten as far with the serums as we are now." Eric made a noise, and I could see the look of disgust on his face in my mind,

"She was a child. I've asked her. He started when she was 8... How long did you know?"
"Too long," after a quick pause her voice snapped back to it's usually emotionless state, "But the needs of the many have to outweigh the needs of the few. One little girl isn't worth losing everything for."

"Maybe it should have been."

"Excuse me? Our work is to ensure the future of everyone in this city. Don't make me question your commitment to our cause."

"She's part of the future we're trying to protect. They all are. Remember that." Heavy footsteps moved away from the room I was in and I heard the front door open.

"I'll see you at the next council meeting Jeanine."

"Goodbye Eric, and maybe you were right about your move to Dauntless. Don't let your emotions get the best of you." The door closed only slightly too hard and I let out the breath I hadn't realized I had been holding in. It came out like a sob.

"Kira." he was at my side in seconds, holding me as I bawled into him.

"She knew. She really knew. They all did." he stiffened for an instant and started to rub my back.

"I know."

"How many more are there that she's willing to sacrifice for the greater good. Fuck the greater good. I was in hell and she did nothing. They all did nothing. How many other kids are there out there that we never heard about. First Four and now me and how many others?" I was in dangerous waters here. I was hyperventilating and I was so god damn angry. I was talking about the kids being abused in their houses, but I was talking about the Divergent kids too.

"Shhh I know. We'll fix it."

"How?"

"I don't know." He pulled me onto his lap and cradled me for what felt like hours. Eventually I had sobbed myself out and he carried me to the living room, tucked me under a blanket and set about reheating some breakfast for us. He was so tender with me. Loving almost. Maybe it would be safe to tell him...

"I wasn't just talking about the kids like me..." He froze at the stove and I saw the muscles of his back tense through his shirt.

"I know Kira. But we can't talk about this OK? What Jeanine said has to stay in this room do you hear me?" He didn't look at me. I didn't know what to say. I couldn't exactly give myself up, because as much as I trusted him to keep me safe, there was just as much of me that was terrified he'd turn me in.

"Ok."

"Ok" He relaxed just a little, "Do you...do you think I'm a monster?" Thank God he wasn't looking at me.

"I think you're trying to do what's right." Even though every cell in my body was screaming yes. I think killing innocents is monstrous. I couldn't do that to him. And even more than that I was scared of his reaction if I did. I didn't know how deep this thing ran. Clearly he was having second thoughts, but how much of that rhetoric that Divergents are evil and dangerous had really stuck with him, and how much of it was just Jeanine in his head, telling him it was for the greater good. He said nothing, and we ate in silence. Before I left he stopped me at the door,

"You know you can tell me anything, right?" I looked at him, and unable to totally lie said,

"Sure." I stood on my toes and kissed his cheek, "Thank you for everything." As I walked back towards the dorms, I knew that would be the last night I spent in Eric's apartment.

"She said what?" Tris, Four and I were at our secret spot swapping what little information we had.

"We have until the initiation. But it's only two weeks away. They're planning something with Abnegation, and it's something bad. She mentioned serums. Four can you try to look into that?" He nodded, looking solemn.

"There are a lot of good people in Abnegation too Tobias." He looked up at me, and seemed to steel himself.

"I know."

Tris and I walked down to The Pit, and I had to convince myself I was hungry. Al's betrayal, and our impending divergent doom weren't doing much for my appetite. What were they planning with Abnegation? We had decided it had to be some sort of attack, on the higher ups maybe? For them to need soldiers, we had to assume it would be violent. Better to prepare for the worst. We sat down with Christina and Will, and quietly told them where we had been the night before. Four and Eric were at a table across from us, and we exchanged small smiles.

"Tris?" Al's voice made my stomach turn, and she whipped around to meet his gaze.

"Get away from me."

"Please. I'm so sorry, just let me-" he tried to reach for her
"Never touch me again! Stay the Hell away from me!" she stood up with us, and backed into Christina, who moved to stand in front of her with me. Al stood there, sobbing, but I couldn't find it within myself to feel pity for him.

"Go." I tried to inject my feelings into the word, but it just came out sounding tired. We sat back down, and Eric and I made eye contact again. His eyes were questioning and they flicked towards the exit, but I shook my head slightly and put my arm around Tris. He nodded. My stomach flipped and again I was scared by my feelings. How could I feel so close to someone who was potentially behind an attack on Abnegation, who had all but confirmed to me he was hunting Divergents? We could communicate without a word, but our values were worlds away from each other. Pushing down my inner turmoil, I focused on Tris.

"Are you ok?"

"No. I'm not." for once not pushing aside her own feelings, and owning up to them. Letting herself be held by Christina and myself. Letting herself be comforted. We forced ourselves to eat, and then headed to the gym to work off some frustrations.

It felt good to sweat out my feelings, to hit something and feel the raw power of my fists connect with the bag. To feel like I could hurt something. We stayed there for hours, finally making our way back to the dorms only after we were physically spent. As we turned a corner we saw a crowd had formed at the base of the chasm. A rope was slowly being pulled upwards by Four and Eric.

"What's going on?" I asked Tori, who was standing in the crowd.

"They found a body." Even before I saw the lump at the end of the rope I knew. I turned to Tris and pulled her to face away. She looked up at me,

"Is it him?" I forced myself to look at the body, and although he was covered in blood, and his skull not the shape it should be. I could tell it was Al.

"Yes." Tris collapsed into me, and Christina and I half walked, half carried her back to the dorms. We barely slept that night. Even though I was exhausted, I couldn't stop thinking about him. Should we have been kinder? No. Should we have forgiven him? No. But how could I forgive Eric and not Al? By all accounts he had committed more terrible acts, and under nowhere near the same amount of stress. Or was he? I tossed and turned, my morality and ethics and feelings all roiling around inside my head. It made me hot and itchy and annoyed.

The next few weeks were a blur, I tried to avoid Eric, it was easier to plot against him when I wasn't kissing him in the hallways, and it was easier to forget that maybe he was the monster he feared he was. We learned nothing in those few weeks, but we were able to plan for the events that could happen. We squirrelled away some guns, some food, and some healing salves. As soon as initiation was over, we'd go to Abnegation and try to warn them. It was impossible to warn them before, Dauntless was under lock down. No one was allowed to leave, they said it was to help the initiates focus, but then why were the full Dauntless members being forced to stay inside the compound? Four had tried getting an outside duty, but had been refused. So we only had one option, and that was to wait.