Loyalties
Is that wrong? Wrong that the one my friends thought I had dismissed has truthfully affected me so much?
Estrid. Now that she is gone I can only think of her more. Why did you let her go, Aximili?
I had to, of course. Had to watch the Ralek River fly away, not knowing if it survived or not. I had to.
After Estrid was gone, Cassie gave me a few strips of paper. Human money. I folded up the papers carefully, and shoved them into the pocket of something called jeans. Cassie and I went to the mall.
"Ax, I'm going to check out the bookstore," she said. "I'll meet up with you in a half hour, okay?"
I nodded my heavy human head, and Cassie went into a small opening in the mall.
I stood there for a minute, people hurrying past me and brushing me aside. Then, stumbling only slightly on my weak and teetering legs, I made my way to the food court without falling once.
There they were. Pounds and pounds of them.
Jelly beans.
I opened up a lid containing the jelly beans and reached my large human hand down to scoop up a handful. They were incredibly appealing.
"Hey, kid! Stop!"
I turned around abruptly, hand halfway into the jelly bean container. A lady who worked at "Candy Land" came up behind me. "How about paying for those before you eat them, huh?"
I paused thoughtfully. "That would be acceptable. Cept. Tuh." I said finally.
The lady laughed. "Good." She picked up something attached to the jelly bean container and began scooping jelly beans into a plastic bag. I watched dumbly.
"I would like blue and green-nuh jelly beans particularly, please. Ease. Eaze."
"Blue and green it is." A few clusters of green and blue jelly beans went into the bag. Blue and green jelly beans were Estrid's favorite.
"Is that all?" the Candy Land Lady asked.
"No. I would also like some M&Ms-suh. Please."
A package of plain M&M's went into the bag.
"That'll be three dollars."
Three. I put my hand into the pants pocket. The money was still there. I peeled out three of the paper strips and handed them to the lady.
"Thank you and come again!"
"I will." I answered truthfully. The lady looked surprised I had answered at all.
Outside the food court I sat (a human activity) on a bench. I reached into the bag and pulled out the M&M's. Tearing the package open I poured half of it's contents into my mouth.
Suddenly I was no longer at the busy and noisy human food court. I was back at the Gardens, silent in the night, devoid of any humans.
I was back with Estrid.
"The flavor is called chocolate." I said to Estrid, who was glowing as if she had just discovered the world. "Chock-lut." She laughed.
FLASH!
Estrid's face was in my hands, and the M&M's were long forgotten. Our lips pressed together.
The memory made me wish that Estrid was sitting right next to me, enjoying the packet of M&Ms I had bought. A droplet of water was trailing down my face. I wiped it away quickly.
Estrid was a coward. She might have been brilliant, but she was not smart. She had not seen through Arbrat's story. We had nothing in common. Absolutely nothing, besides the fact that we were both Andalites.
I was shocked to find myself wishing that this was enough.
Enough that we could both forget the war and create our own place as Andalites. As two creatures of the same species.
Why couldn't that be enough?
I wanted to love her, not as herself but as an Andalite. Like me.
But was I an Animorph or an Andalite? It was a question that had begun to plague me ever since Estrid had come. At first the answer had been obvious: Andalite. But suddenly I wasn't sure. Human? Andalite?
Or some terrible mix of the two?
Was I simply Tobias without the wings, and with stalk eyes instead?
I felt horrible for thinking these thoughts. My first loyalties should be with my people, and not with Prince Jake. In fact I should not even have to question my loyalties.
Yet here I was.
I felt someone's arm around me and jumped, startled.
"Oh." I said. "Hello Cassie." I was choking on my own words. What was wrong with this human body? People around me were glancing at me with glimpses of concern. I saw concern in Cassie's eyes too, but more to my relief I didn't see surprise. She had expected this.
"Can I have one?" she asked, looking at the jelly beans. I nodded. Safer than trying to speak in this morph. Cassie picked up a blue jelly bean. I took a deep breath, trying to calm myself.
"I don't know what's wrong with me Cassie. wro-onguh." I said, when it became obvious she wasn't going to speak. "I didn't even like her."
"You didn't need to like her Ax." Cassie said. "You haven't seen a young person from your species for so long. Of course you would be overwhelmed with emotions. It's natural."
"I was weak-kuh." I continued bitterly, hardly listening to Cassie. "A fool. A warrior should not be controlled by his emotions. A warrior's duty and honor should be what guides him. Gaaa-ides. A warrior is here only to serve his peop-"
"Ax," Cassie interrupted. "you're not a warrior. You're a kid."
We didn't say anything for a while. I didn't feel like arguing with Cassie, telling her she was wrong. We were both warriors. Why deny the fact?
"Cassie?" I asked finally.
"Yes Ax?"
"Do you know how to make a raspberry?"
"Thhhhhbbbb." was her reply.
I laughed. "Thbbbbbbbbb"
"Thhhbbbb."
"Thbbbbbb."
I felt very un-warrior like for a few minutes. And enjoyed those few minutes immensely
Thhhbbbbbb.
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