Spoiler Alert for the 29/03/15

Basically I have taken the second section of tonights episode which had a lot of Cal in it and expanded on it including a scene with Ethan at the end. Thoughts? J

"Listen to me, in real terms this little girl was dead before she got here. The moment of her death was with you and it's a privilege and a burden. Whatever your beliefs are it is always very difficult, just take a few seconds as a team." Zoe spoke to Cal and the rest of her resus team. Cal squeezed his eyes shut willing himself not to cry, he took a shaky breath to pull himself together. He received sympathetic looks from both Lofty and Robyn, they were feeling it too but knew that Cal felt responsible.

"Thank you."She then looked at Cal, who was doing his upmost to hold himself together. "There's going the xtra mile and then there's knowing when to stop." She told him wisely.

"The Mum's here Cal." Charlie chipped in causing Cal to sigh in realisation before nodding.

"It's ok, I've got this." Zoe smiled a little. She knew that it took a lot to tell a parent that their child had died and right now Cal didn't seem the right person for the job.

"Thanks." Cal spoke thankfully. He didn't like to appear weak in front of his colleagues but was also finding it so hard. Exhaustion, emotional and physical, were causing him to begin to lose a little of his normal self-control.

He was the last to leave the room and headed straight for the staffroom, Connie wasn't in so he knew he would be able to grab a quick ten minutes to pull himself together before he went back out onto the floor.

"Hey." Robyn's voice brought him from his thoughts and she Lofty and Rita walked in. "Zoe's sent us for a quick break."

Cal nodded a little as he sat down on the sofa rubbing his hands over his face.

"Poor girl." Rita sighed and stood leaning on the wall next to the sofa.

"Ten years old and just gone like that, she's have woken up this morning without a care in the world." Robyn spoke and sat down on the other side of the sofa.

"Makes you think doesn't it? Things can be over in a flash, at any age." Lofty spoke as he stood in the middle of the floor facing Robyn and Cal with his arms folded over his chest.

"It's the parents too, you should never outlive your children." Cal spoke and shook his head.

"Cal it wasn't your fault, you heard Zoe. She was gone before she got here." Rita sighed.

"We could have kept going, we could have got her back." Cal bit back.

"She wouldn't have been the same girl and she wouldn't have had any quality of life she would have died slowly and the parent's would have had to watch that instead. That's much worse." Robyn told him and put a hand on his knee to provide some form of comfort to the young doctor.

"Should get back to work." Cal muttered as he got up and headed out of the staffroom.

"He'll come round, everyone deals with things in different ways." Rita told the two sad looking nurses. "But for now we do need to try and get on with our jobs.." she added and lead them out from the staffroom.

It was happening again, another patient a pregnant lady. Two lives at stake and so much pressure. Zoe was sending him with her to surgery, the baby was out and being looked after now, he could just completely focus on the mother.

"You can do this Cal, just stay focused. Put your hand over mine." Zoe told him.

"How will I know?" Cal asked worried about the fact his hand would be the only thing keeping her alive and stopping her bleeding out.

"You'll know." She spoke and he did as instructed and swapped places with Zoe. "Right you've got it. You stay with her, we're not losing her now."

Not long after and with the baby stable in the ED Zoe headed down to surgery to see how things were going. She felt her stomach drop as she saw Cal coming out with the same grave expression he had earlier in the day.

He sighed. "She was doing great then she went into DIC when they were trying to fix her pelvis and they just couldn't control the bleeding, sorry." He couldn't make any contact with his boss. "What about the baby?" he asked.

"Crying, stable." Zoe nodded before walking off.

Cal was relieved that the baby had survived but at the same time even more saddened at the fact it would never get to meet its mother. He pulled off his apron and gloves and disposed of them before he headed back to the ED and got ready to head home.

He'd seen two sides of the same coin in one shift. A child dying and leaving behind grieving parents and now a parent dying leaving a child without a mother. Both as heart breaking as the other and blame was weighing heavily on him. Not from other people but from himself.

Back home Cal arrived to the familiar smell of Ethan's cooking. It was always welcoming and no matter how bad his mood was it was always ever so slightly lifted.

"Evening. Good shift?" Ethan asked as he came out of the kitchen hearing his brother come in. Seeing the look on his brother's face he frowned. "I take it not."

"A difficult one, put it that way." He sighed and dumped his back and coat before going and sitting on the sofa relaxing back and closing his eyes.

"In what way?" Ethan pushed and followed him through sitting down on the chair.

"Ten year old girl, accidently run over by a reversing car. She died. There was nothing we could do and I knew that but I kept going until Zoe stopped me. I don't know whether I'm more annoyed that I couldn't make that call myself or the fact that I just didn't keep going. I didn't even know which the right thing to do is." He vented. "Then I get put in charge of a pregnant woman, the baby survived but I was keeping this woman alive by holding a bleeding hole in her heart. She bled out in theatre right in front of me."

"We all have those days Cal." Ethan sighed able to relate to him. "It's what the professional barriers are for."

"I didn't have any, I couldn't. I don't know what' wrong with me but today I just couldn't detach!" Cal told him clearly annoyed at his own vulnerability.

"Alright, you're exhausted. You have a tough shift you come home reflect and go back the next day and do it again but better. That is what our job is all about. But you cannot save everyone." Ethan explained. "You're not superman."

"I know I'm not. I'm not trying to be." Cal sighed before pausing. "I almost cried in resus today." He admitted.

Ethan continued to just look at him.

"Hell if it wasn't for half of the team stood around me, I probably would have." He shook his head again. "I just wish I could do today again."

"We all wish we had that chance sometimes Cal, but who's to say it would turn out any better? It could be worse." Ethan spoke wisely before getting back up. "Tea is almost ready. There's a beer in the fridge with your name on it."

Cal smiled and gave a small nod. He knew his job was difficult and he knew that every day was not going to be a good one, just like in any job. There were patient's he was going to see who couldn't survive even with the best doctors, but there were also patients who he would come into contact with and change or even save their lives. That is was being a medical professional is all about.