Chapter Five

It's the sound of the door knob clicking open and the sound of her heels that has him shaken from his stupefied state. He's determined now, because what she just revealed – what she's just confessed, he isn't letting her run, not again.

"No – wait, Kate. Don't go." He's caught her by the wrist, a little more forceful than he'd like, but at least he has her – for the moment at least.

"Castle, I-" She needs to leave – now. She can't be near him any longer, not while he's looking at her like she's poured oil on his heart and set it alight, because she knows how it hurts – she feels the burn too.

"No. No running, not again." Everything about him is rigid – his words made of steel and she exhales a shaky breath and closes her eyes.

"I'm not ru– I just. I didn't think you wanted me to stay, or at all." He slides his hand from her wrist then, letting his palm encase hers before drawing her back past the threshold of his office. She's not looking at him, just down at the floor – anywhere but at him.

"Stay Kate." She lifts her face to him then, her eyes glossed over just a single tear breaking away and slowly rolling down her cheek. "We need to start over. This conversation, it – we need to talk about this."

"What's there to talk about Castle? You're done with me, you've-" She's not finishing the sentence, because as much as she told herself that she could do this, she doesn't really think that she can be with him without actually getting to be with him. But he takes a step towards her and rests his hands on her shoulders, pulling her close.

"No – I'm not done with you Kate, I was never done with you. I wanted to be, but I can't."

"But – Jacinda. She was what you needed right? Fun and uncomplicated?" They're the words that have haunted her over the last week because she knows that she's far from uncomplicated and after getting shot? She definitely hasn't been fun.

"Kate, she – Jacinda isn't my girlfriend, never really was. She's was a distraction, a way to take my mind off you because I thought – I thought you didn't feel the same and I just needed to escape. When I met her, she was so cheerful and good company and what I thought I needed. She was my way out but all that did was lead me straight back to what I really need – to you."

The shortest of cries breaks out from her lips, and she's not sure why, because those words make her want to rejoice, but there is too much in her head – and it's suffocating her. She can't breathe and she can't think. So she moves away from his grasp and towards his desk, placing two arms on the cold wood before squeezing her eyes shut and exhales. She's not panicking, no – but with the rollercoaster of emotions she's been through and the torrent of meaning behind his words, everything just needs to stop.

As he watches her, he can't help but think that she's not getting it – because whatever words she's spoken today has made her retreat, a resignation in her eyes that seem so very hard to conquer, but he needs to. He needs her to understand – they both need to understand whatever it is the other wants, because he's so tired of not knowing anything.

"So what happens now?" She speaks, breaking the short silence they've both had to gather their thoughts.

"Now we talk. We start again, from the beginning. Okay?"

"Okay." It's a short reply, but his body loosens up just a small notch then, because it means they're getting somewhere, even if they're just getting started. And so he starts.

"I heard you Beckett – I was in the observation room watching you interrogate that teenage boy during the bombing case. You said that you'd remembered every second of your shooting and I just – you lied to me for a year and I didn't know what to do with that knowledge. All I could do was think that you kept it from me because you were just saving face – for me." She straightens herself up from the desk, turning to lean herself against the edge as she folds her arms and watches him from the other side of the room.

"Wait what? You – you knew that I lied to you? Why didn't you say anything when you found out?"

"Why didn't you say anything at all?" He shoots the words back too quickly for him to realise it, so he clears his throat to start again. "Sorry you've uhh, you've already answered that- but it was a whole ten months Beckett, what was I supposed to do? Call you out on it and talk about it as if it's what we always do?"

She sighs then, because he's right. They never talk – not about the important stuff anyway. It's always laced in subtext and an expectation that the other knows what they're really saying underneath everything they're not saying.

"No Castle, you're right, but I guess this is a start right? We're talking now, so… complete honesty, from both of us? I mean real honesty – even if the words hurt, we say them?"

"Yeah – yes. We both come out of this conversation knowing exactly what we want and what it means." He nods in agreement before a silence takes them over. They're going for honesty, but they're both terrified – because they both know that when this conversation ends, it only goes one of two ways: them together – in everything, or not at all.

"Castle?"

"Yeah?"

"Did you sleep with her?"

"No, I didn't – I couldn't." He shakes his head, willing himself to just get the words out. "I thought about it – thought that maybe I could just get it all out of my system and just move on but every time I got anywhere close to sleeping with her, I couldn't do it. I just felt so wrong and I was so angry at you for that. For ruining me for anyone else, because there was no one else."

"So do you still want this? Do you still want… me?" She thinks the question sounds absurd, but she bites her lip as she waits for his answer.

He graces her with a smile then, before taking a step closer towards her.

"Yeah Kate. In spite of everything, the lies and the hurt, I still want this – you, us." She lets out a breath she's only just realised she'd been holding. "But do you Kate? I know you said that at some point during the last few months you did, but given the last couple of weeks; when you said you were happy for me and how I behaved -" His words are stopped as he feels her move towards him to take his hand, threading her fingers through his before giving his hand a squeeze.

"God Castle, of course I do. I never stopped." He closes his eyes then, everything within him absolutely elated that they've still got a chance. He opens his eyes again to look at her as she continues. "I just thought that if you weren't waiting for me, then I still wanted you in my life, Castle. As a friend or a partner or something – just anything, as long as you were there. I thought it's what you deserved, so I had to make do with being happy for you instead of being happy with you."

"Oh, Kate." He's astounded by the woman in front of him – because he sees it now, how selfless she was being, even if she was being selfish all at the same time, for him. She shrugs at him then, ducking her head and tucking a loose strand of her behind her ear with her free hand. "I'm sorry you ever doubted that – that I made you feel like you weren't worth waiting for, because you are Kate, you are."

"Rick?" She's whispering now, their bodies close as they release each other's hands and Castle's left arm comes to wrap around her waist as she brings hers her right arm to rest on his forearm.

"Yeah?"

"You never said those words again – not other than when I had a bullet in my chest, so can you? Can you say them again?" He looks into her hazel eyes, hope pouring out of the hints of gold speckled across them and he can't believe he never told her again, at least not aloud. He takes the moment to cup her face with his right hand, thumb stroking her bottom lip before speaking.

"I love you Katherine Beckett. Always have, always will." She grins then, teeth showing as the skin around her eyes crinkle with joy, watching as he smiles back. "Now, if we've cleared everything up, are we done talking?"

She shakes her head then, his mouth opening a little in surprise.

"No, not yet. We haven't cleared everything up."

"No?"

"There's something else that needs clarification."

"W-What is it?" He won't deny that he's not panicking a little – or a lot, his mind racing through the whole conversation they've just had, double checking that he didn't say something stupid and that nothing else needs to be said.

"I love you too, Richard Castle. Always have, always will." He huffs out the biggest breath of relief he's ever had, his face shining with a joy that reflects hers. He leans in slowly, breathes her in as he gets closer and feels her hand come up around to his neck, fingers at the nape of his hair. He stops just before his lips touches hers.

"Is that it? Because I'd really like to kiss you now." She lets out a laugh then, and he feels her nod in his palm, and it's all he needs before he presses his smile to hers. As their lips meet, he finds that she's the softest thing he's ever felt, and his arm is tightening around her, flushing her body completely against his. His hair is like silk on her fingertips as she plays with the strands at the end of his hair, nipping at his bottom lip as she lets him surround her – his earthy smell and the strength of his broad arms.

And as she runs her tongue across his lip, she feels her feet being lifted off the ground as he spins her around and their mouths break apart. The sound of Castle's laughter fills the room, quickly catching on to Beckett as she lets herself be held in the air, still chuckling as he slowly lets her down to the ground once more, and then presses one, two, three short kisses to her lips and rests his forehead against hers.

She moves her head then, fitting herself in the crook of his neck and placing a kiss to this throat as their arms tighten around each other and they stand and bask in the euphoric shift of their relationship.

"Kate?"

"Mmmm?"

"We're really doing this? Us?" She lifts her head to look at him then, his eyes an impossible shade of blue as clear as the ocean and she can't help but give him another soft kiss on the lips.

"Yeah Rick," she runs her fingers through the hair on the side of his head, finding that it's something she's definitely going to keep doing every chance she gets, "we're really doing this – I'm diving in with you."

"Good – because I love you Kate, and I'm all in."

fin.

A/N: I hope this was worth the (longer-than-expected-because-life-gets-in-the-way-and-I'm-so-sorry-about-that) wait. I'd always planned for the story to be short in terms of chapters, so to each and every one of you who read this story, thank you.