His first time was with a girl he never imagined would give him the time of day.

It wasn't in his room. His house or hers.

It was a blur. He was inexperienced, nervous and could only offer her the more experienced of the two his enthusiasm and eagerness to work with. She had taken those and "steered him around the curves" as she put it. He savored her taste, her skin, her cries of pleasure and everything she had given to him.

She threw him out afterwards… so he doubts he will get a card at Christmas.

—

Xander Harris was not known for walking into rooms with purpose. He tended to stumble, awkwardly walk not move with a determined manner so when he did he clearly had something on his mind and was on a mission. Opening the front door of his house and quickly dumping his bag he went straight into the living room.

"Is the mail in here?" Xander asked his dad who was lying on the couch in front of the TV. Empty beer bottles and snacks around him he clearly had not moved from this spot for a while.

"What?" Xander's dad asked not even looking up.

"The mail?" Xander asked again annoyed "I'm expecting it a letter."

"Over there on the table somewhere" Xander's dad waved at the living room table not paying attention. "Aw come on I got 50 bucks bet on you guys!" he yelled at the TV.

Great betting again Xander thought to himself going over the mess of newspapers, letters and junk mail that was piled on top of the table. Finding the one he wanted he quickly tore into it and then read it. He shut his eyes as if in pain… it was clear he didn't like what he had read.

"What's the matter with you?" Xander's dad asked finally turning to Xander for the first time since he entered.

"Nothing," Xander responded not even bothering to look up.

"Well quit moping around your distracting me from my game!" He barked turning back to the TV.

Like you ever played a game of it in your life Xander thought getting up and leaving the living room his mother went straight past him not even saying hello. "Here it comes," Xander muttered to himself standing in the hallway.

"Where the hell is that money in my jeweler box?" She yelled

"Oh it's your money I thought it was for the pair of us?!" Xander's dad yelled back.

"Answer the question damn it!" His mother yelled

"Ok I was feeling lousy so I…" Xander's dad admitted

"You went out and had some beers with your friends!" His mother finished for her husband "Great work Captain Harris! Now what are we going to do for food next week?"

"Don't talk to me like that I'm not some kid down at your supermarket!" Xander's dad shouted angrily

"Here we go folks for the 300 hundredth time the classic Harris battle of wills!" Xander muttered to himself taking his letter and walking up stairs into his room.

His parent's fight continued most the evening and was the main point of interest at the dinner table. His father gave Xander's mother his opinion on Xander's mother's attempts at making a fish pie. Xander agreed with the man it was terrible but would have gone for a more tactful approach. Naturally not to be outdone the mother had been quick to inform Xander who never asked that his father wouldn't be returning to his job. Xander had left the house straight after the meal grabbing his coat and checking his pockets to make sure a cross and stake he always kept there was still there before leaving the house.

He walked the streets at night, not the safest thing to do particularly not with knowing what might bite you late at night in this town. How had things come to this? At the start of the year he had so much, friends, a girlfriend, a voice in the team and now he had nothing. He had made so many mistake this year and said a lot things to the people he loved that he wished he could take back. It's all about growing up Xander told himself you make a mistake and you learn from it. Only people around him didn't seem to think he would learn anything.

He was the Zeppo, the weak one, the useless one of the group. The one who ran and got supplies like doughnuts and whatever Willow needed to get from the magic shop. Feeling sorry for himself something he had been doing a lot lately and the feeling was only getting worse and worse.

Had anyone asked him about what it was like having Faith strangle him? Of course not why bother seeing how poor old Xander was feeling when we got bigger fish to fry! Xander sighed and decided that simply staying outside was just asking for more trouble and walked home. Hopefully world war 3 had finished at his house by now so he could enter in peace.

—

She tasted better than chocolate which was saying something. She pull him against her harder as he did his best to keep up with her movements and pace. It wasn't easy she was a Slayer and he was a normal guy but this was one challenge he was enjoying trying. She grins her trademark wicked grin and he took that as a good sign. He kisses her neck again hoping she likes that.

She goes for a shower straight afterwards and Xander is confused. Last time she made it clear how she felt about him by throwing him but now she simply left him in the room. Was he meant to go? Did she want him to stay? Being confused was nothing new for Xander nor was being confused about a woman's actions. Buffy often would leave him in state of anger and confusion but Faith was a whole new confusion.

"You tell anyone about this and you're dead" She told him walking into the room drying off her skin.

"I won't" Xander assured her.

"Yeah right bet you just love to tell your little friends what we just did" Faith snorted drying her hair.

"I won't he repeated" Xander repeated.

"I will find out if you do and if I do I will rip off you're…" she carried ignoring him

"I said I won't okay!" Xander snapped at her. She looked surprised by his outburst off balanced. An off balanced Faith was not something he was used to. She was Faith. A force of nature, cool, sexy, flirty never off balanced. It tugged on his heart strings. He was weak like that. All the girls he was knew Buffy, Willow, Cordelia they could all do things that would either amaze him or make what to protect them forever. Faith could now be added to that list.

"Just so we are clear" she said uncertainly.

"We are" Xander assured her again moving toward her. She looked at him as he opened his arms to her and laughed.

"Don't you even try hugging me" she told him but it was clear from her tone she was only playing with him.

Still he decided that Faith wasn't the hugging type.

—

"So how did your parents take the news of your college plans?" Buffy asked Willow as the pair slowly made their way up the steps up to Sunnydale high school.

"Well naturally they wanted to know why I would throw away studying in Harvard or Yale" Willow replied.

"Hey way to make a girl feel guilty!" Buffy replied.

"Can't resist sorry" Willow teased back.

They walked into school together as they had been doing so often this year. Their friendship had gone from strength to strength and both were grateful as both of them had required each other to lean onto at times. They spotted Xander predictably at the vending machine probably getting his third snack of the morning.

"Morning Xander, you hear Willow is coming with me to Sunnydale UC?" Buffy smiled at him.

"Err… no I thought you were still undecided about which college to pick?" Xander asked Willow confused. This was the first he had heard of the news. Willow had been earlier in the week narrowing down her list of colleges and universities to the ones she really wanted to go.

"Oh I was but after thinking it over I decided Sunnydale is the best place for me. Here I get to further my Witchy studies!" Willow grinned at Buffy excited at the prospect. Buffy grinned back remembering their touching conversation the day before.

"That is so classic! Staying here in loser land to study to become a bigger freak!" Cordelia said walking by having heard the conversation. If there was one thing Cordelia was good at it was listening into other's peoples conversations and then giving her opinion. It was her superpower really one that she had mastered.

"Yeah well at least she doesn't need her Dad's money or a short skirt to get into places!" Xander quickly responded

"Sorry Xander I was speaking to someone who had a future not a stack of rejection letters!" Cordelia called back not even bothering to turn around to face him.

"Ha ha!" Xander sarcastically laughed before turning back to Buffy and Willow "please don't rush to my defense!" he stated sarcastically

"Hey it's you and Cordelia!" Buffy held her arms up, "don't want to spoil your fun!"

"Does it look like it was fun?" Xander rolled his eyes. Trading barbs with Cordelia when she is being personal yeah real fun Xander thought to himself. Cordelia is the master at cutting people down to size. In her heyday her insults used to be spread out for the whole school to enjoy but now that she is no longer Queen C it was just Xander that received her insults. Oh the joy of it.

Buffy and Willow continue walking leaving it up to Xander whether he walks with them or not. He decides not to and makes his way thought the opposite direction.

—

He was staring at her again. He does that a lot when not talking her to death.

He takes her in, drinking in the sight of her even though she is simply dressing. She is beautiful. Not beautiful like Buffy or like Willow but beautiful in her own way. How many nights had they shared together? He had lost count which was a good sign for someone who claimed that she wasn't interested in getting tied down Faith was seemingly getting attached to him or at least getting used to him. Faith was streetwise, she was tough, she was sexy, she was adventurous and also dangerous, a murder, a killer, a traitor to the gang and former white hat.

He should be scared of her.

He should be running away, running to Buffy, running to his friends. He should be in fear of his life and yet he doesn't even feel nervous. He feels more nervous when in the library with the group always frighten that he might say the wrong thing or get in the way.

With Faith he feels free.

—

Class, daydream, more class, more daydream and then his favorite subject of the day lunch. Xander was lying on the grass next to the bench where Buffy, Oz and Willow were eating and making arrangements to go to Bronze tonight. Angel was meant to show up so Buffy was keen to make it a double date. Xander stayed pretty much out of the conversation. He had too much on his mind.

"Your quiet" Willow turned to him finally.

"I'm eating" Xander joked lamely.

"Yeah but usually you talk and eat at the same time" Willow stated with a grin.

"Usually with your mouth full" Buffy added joining in. Great point out Xander's traits never the good ones but the bad ones.

"Today is Monday. Tuesday is Xander multitasking day" Xander shrugged simply. The others decided to let it go although he could still feel Willow's stare. She was simply far too smart. She knew something was wrong with him. Xander couldn't hide something like that from her. It simply wasn't possible.

—

He arches his back to kiss her. They kiss hard and deep moaning into each other's mouths. Their bodies sweaty how long have they been at it? He had no idea and cared even less. She was insane! this was insane! She scatched his back leaving marks. If anyone saw those he would have a lot of questions to answer. He couldn't care less if anyone saw the marks or if they were to walk into the room right now. He just focuses on Faith and the feeling she gives him. He craves the feeling like a kid at christmas. He hasn't felt anything like this ever. The more time he spends with her the more he wants.

—

"Xander what's wrong?" Willow asked him.

Xander looked at her "ok you want to know what's up? Why Xander has been whining and even more annoying than usual today?! It's because of this!" He pulled out a crumpled piece of paper from his back pocket and held it up. "This is from Sunnydale College and it sums up my life!"

"Dear Mr Harris thank you for applying to Sunnydale UC however after reviewing your grades we have decided to reject you much like everyone else! Now you get it?!" He yelled "this was my fall back college, the one place I figured would accept me and they don't want me! So maybe I am just a little upset that once again I have failed and come up short again. Like I managed to do so many times in my life I have screwed up! Messed up! Failed and for once in my life I can't seem to find a joke to cover this up!"

Xander was in near tears as he yelled at them and they were all speechless not just with his revelation but with how upset he was. Neither Buffy, Giles nor Willow had ever seen Xander this upset about something.

"Maybe just once I wanted to succeed at something and get to experience that but I guess I didn't try hard enough" Xander stated bitterly before dropping the paper on the table and walking out of the library.

—

"Can I ask you something?" He asked her

"I've had better than you okay now let me sleep" she mutters at him lying on her side her back to him trying to get some sleep.

"What are you scared off?" Xander asked ignoring her joke while lying on the bed looking up at the ceiling.

"That you will begin to think this is a relationship" Faith replies

"I mean it what are you afraid off?" Xander asked her again.

Faith let out a sigh and finally turns to face Xander, the geek just won't take a hint sometimes. "You answer first then me" she turned to him.

"I asked first" Xander turned to her.

"I can break every bone in your body with one hand" Faith told him.

"Okay, okay…. The future" Xander admitted to her.

"The past" Faith she admitted to him.

"The past can't hurt you like the future" Xander said "the future is the unknown.

"The past is the reminder, you can't fight it nor can you change it once it has happened" Faith said to him.

They looked at each other. She never did small talk with guys. They never bothered to that with her. Simply pulled up their trousers and walked out the door after they were done. Here was a guy who sometimes never shut up, had a habit of saying the wrong thing and nearly always made a joke… boy can she pick them.

"Got to bail" she said standing up. His eyes roamed her body as they always did. He felt intimated around her presence. She was a bad hat now. Evil to be fought and killed. Yet here having just had sex with her. Why? Because he was Xander who would sleep or drool over anything that moved. No because he was Xander and he was confused and tired of being alone.

—

"Hey," Willow said softly the position where Xander was sitting next to a tree. "How are you?" he didn't reply merely stared away from her but it was clear he was depressed. "I'm sorry Xander I didn't know this college stuff was getting you upset."

"You could have asked," Xander replied bitterly

Willow sighed expecting his mood and sat down next to him. "I know I have been distant with you since we… but I"

"You had to work things out with Oz," Xander finished for her turning to look at her. A look of understanding past between them "and I'm selfish and hold grudges just as ask Angel."

Willow had not seen Xander this down in a long time, since Buffy rejected him for Spring fling but he had bounced back from that. That is what Xander did, make a joke or a silly comment he didn't do this. Be silent. Be depress. It worried her.

"You know that we all love you don't you?" Willow told him "and not getting in college is not the end of the world."

"Says the girl who got to pick which one she could go to!" Xander stated.

"I guess I was showing off a little too much" Willow frowned.

"No Willow you deserved it! I'm so proud of what you have accomplish! It's just…" Xander trailed off unable to find the words.

Willow frown and looked at him sadly. "I know" she said simply and they sat together in silence.

—

He waited in his uncle's car just outside her motel room. Waiting for her. She was running late.

They hadn't set a time but they seem to always meet around 9ish yet it was now closer to 10 and he still hadn't seen her. Where was she? Had she run into Buffy? Had she found someone better than him? Or had she simply not cared enough to show up tonight?

He hated waiting for things in silence and his mind would start to wander. He started thinking about what this would mean. Their affair would be over meaning no more late night hook ups. No more company or someone to talk to. He would go back to back to spending time with his friends. Go back to being the Zeppo. He hated waiting in silence with his mind thinking like this. It was the reason he talked so much. Anything to cover the silence.

There she was casually walking up to the room. He got out of his car as she opened the door and walked in leaving it open. He started walking towards the room.

—

"Surprise!" Buffy grinned at Xander who looked up from the comic he was reading.

"What?" Xander asked confused.

"Surprise it involves me shocking you with a gift and you being all shocked!" Buffy told him in a happy tone. It was clear that it was forced.

Xander rolled his eyes but took the bag from Buffy and looked inside it. He sighed as he saw what was inside.

"Doughnuts cute." Xander he said putting the bag on the table.

Buffy frowned. Usually Xander inhaled his food faster than he breathed. Her plan was failing miserably and Buffy didn't like it when her plans failed.

"Their your favorite!" Buffy tried weakly

"I know" Xander said going back to reading his comic. He wished she would just drop it and leave him alone but he knew she wouldn't. She was stubborn that way it was one of the things he liked about her.

Buffy sighed "Xander come on I'm trying here okay!" She said annoyed at him. "The least you could do is work with me here! I know your upset about college but I am sure you will find something better."

"Work with you huh?" Xander said not even looking up from his comic.

"What?" Buffy said confused

"You said you wanted me to work with you. I thought you wanted me to stay at the back and not get hurt" he smiled bitterly at her. She glared right back at him.

"Is that what this is about? You're upset that I want you to be safe?" Buffy asked him her tone getting more and more angry by the second.

"You don't want me around at all!" He accused "unless it's to pick up some of these!" he pointed at the bag.

"Don't push it Xander! I have been nice to you all year!" Buffy growled at him Xander looked at her in disbelief. "Yeah that's right nice I have held back on a lot of stuff I could have said to you" she continued " or aren't you forgetting about that little plot to kill Angel when you found out that he had returned or some of the things you said to me!"

"Sorry if someone stands up to you once or twice!" Xander sighed. He wished Buffy would just go away they were quickly heading to another argument like what they sometimes had been doing this year and he was not in mood.

—

After the day he has had with the group he wants nothing more than to be alone but he knows he is being followed. Walking futher down a street behind him whoever it is isn't being shy about it. Go out for a walk! It will clear your head! That's right folks another world beating plan from the Xandman! He thinks to himself mockingly his hand moves to his jacket pocket where he keeps his stake. Hopefully this is just a newbie vampire and not a goon for hire working as part of team to take him down. No it would be a newbie why send a team of commando vampires on a rejected college zeppo.

"You looked mad" his follower yells at him.

He knows that voice.

He turns around slowly and sure enough there she is Faith. Looking her usual stunning self in black leather jacket, tanktop and tight jeans smirking at him. This was all he needed. A meeting with Faith. He would rather have another chat with Buffy or Willow or anyone about his future than chat slash be attacked by Faith.

"Had a bad day" he says back calmly. No point running as she is ten times faster than him. Maybe Angel or Buffy are nearby so if shouts they or someone else might hear him but at the stength and speed she moves in he would be dead before anyone comes to save him.

"What about?" Faith asks coolly slowly walking up to him. His feet are rooted to his spot in the street. He can feel sweat form on his back. "Stuff" is all he offers.

She walks up to him and then circles him like a animal circling it's prey. His eyes roam the street its just them. He can't see anyone else.

"No friends around I see" she says to him facing him close "that's dangerous."

"That's peaceful" he admitts and her eyes light up at his omission. He swallows as he spots a knife tucked in her trousers.

"What have your friends done now?" she asks full of sarcasm. He doesn't answer merely looks at her. He isn't going to make this easy for her. He doesn't need her mocking or her harsh words not after the day he has had. His mind is racing showing him all the gruesome things she will do to his body. She smirks even more when she realises she doesn't get a answer from him. Her mind and cruiousty wondering what has caused him to make him feel this way.

Faith could got him like a fish with that knife. Slice him into 1000 tiny pieces and feed him to fish. She doesn't care or worry about the consequences because in her world there are none. No fears or worries. She doesn't fear the future because she only lives in the moment.

He can feel something stir inside of him. A feeling he hasn't felt before. Unable to help himself he steps forward to her. She looks at him in confusion for a second but then sees something in his eyes. This isn't him attempted to rush her and try to attack her no this is something else.

His lips crush against hers.

He is no longer thinking about anything. Not about the future, not about Buffy, not about Willow and not about himself. He only thinks about the feeling that he feels right now like a weight has been lifted off his shoulders. A release of tension. Like all of the world becomes just a blur to him and all that remains are just the two of them.

Faith is the abyss and he isn't falling in but taking a dive into it.

Anything to escape.