AN: Well, chapter two of 'A Fate Worse Than Death' is done, so I figured I should probably get to work on chapter two of this story as well. To be entirely honest, I have no idea what I'm doing with this story, but I think I'll end it in a couple chapters because it really isn't going to go anywhere. If you like, I can probably manage a fic where Izaya and the gang (meaning Namie, Saki, and Masaomi) come to Hogwarts in Harry's fifth year (ignoring the huge plot hole of crossing a series that takes place in the 1990s with a series that takes place about ten years later) because maybe the twins go there or something. Hey, if Izaya can have an iPhone four years before the production was even announced (and six years before the iPhone was available in Japan), I can write another crossover. No promises, though.

WARNING: This chapter contains political bullshit that I made right the hell up for the sole purpose of wondering whether or not anyone could actually sit through it. Kudos if you can, but feel free to skip it.

Izaya swatted Kururi's hand from his hair, and the seven-year-old drooled on his shoulder in response.

"What are you waiting for? Kill them!" Voldemort ordered, puffing out his chest in an effort to not look like he was suffering malnutrition. Consuming nothing but unicorn blood for thirteen-fourteen years hadn't really done anything for his physique. The Death Eaters were enough smart enough to avoid mentioning their master's declining physical health or too stupid to notice. Mairu, however, was neither of these things.

"Stick man!" she shrieked happily. She had somehow found a book of childish insults and had learned a little more English offscreen in order to read it.

"Kill her first," Voldermort growled. The Death Eaters blinked, having no idea who 'Voldermort' was. Realizing his mistake, Voldemort erased the extra 'r'.

"My Lord!" the Death Eaters – who had at some point devolved into some sort of hive mind – exclaimed. "We didn't see you there!" Voldemort blinked.

"Uh… just kill the kid," he decided. The Death Eaters nodded.

"Aw, come on!" TRDEWIIETGAN protested. "She's cute!" The Death Eaters shuffled about for a bit until Voldemort conceded the point.

"She is rather adorable," the Master of Mischief admitted.

"I disagree," said the Dastardly Duke. Voldemort scowled.

"You're both wrong!" he declared. Everyone stared at him as he waited for the Master of Mischief and the Dastardly Duke to reply. Since they were figments of his imagination, they continued to not exist.

"I have absolutely no idea what's going on," Cedric sighed. Harry was about to agree with him when–

"Same here," Shizuo said. Cedric sent him a small smile and Harry glowered at him for stealing his precious screentime.

"I wonder what's for dinner," Izaya mused. He pondered on this for a moment before remembering that his parents were never home and he was the one who made dinner. "I think we'll go out for udon." He decided.

"I want cake," Mairu told him.

"No cake," Izaya scolded. "Cake is unhealthy."

"More importantly, isn't cake a dessert?" Harry asked. Izaya scoffed.

"You silly Americans."

"We're British." Harry said, wondering how Izaya could have possibly mixed up the two, especially as he was the first to realize that he was in Europe anyway.

"Then why are you in Scotland?" Izaya asked triumphantly.

"How does being in Scotland make us American?" TRDEWIIETGAN asked.

"Ignore him, he's crazy." Shinra said, whose gag had apparently been removed – a faulty decision on Celty's part, really.

"Magic cup!" Kururi declared, picking up the Triwizard Cup.

"No, wait!" Harry, Cedric, and Voldemort yelled. Kururi promptly vanished, and Mairu clapped, very impressed.

"Want! Want! Want!" She chanted. Izaya poked her. Shizuo wished he hadn't woken up that morning.

***SCENE CHANGE NO JUTSU***

The crowd gasped as the Cup appeared in front of them, especially seeing as it had a seven year old clinging to it rather than a teenager.

"Wee!" exclaimed the seven-year-old. "Again! Again!" She promptly grabbed the Cup again and disappeared. A moment later, she reappeared, this time with another similar looking girl and a teenage boy with a strong resemblance to one Harry Potter. All three were laughing madly.

"Best. Day. Ever!" the boy declared.

"Pardon me," said Dumbledore politely. "But have you seen–"

"I already told you, the invisible midget went–"

"I'm not Gandalf." Dumbledore said flatly, annoyed that the teen had cut him off. The teenager pouted, and the girls quickly followed suit. It was adorable.

"Oh, okay," he said, sounding disappointed. "Can we keep the magic cup, then? We already got a TARDIS from that guy with the funny eye, but I want to give the cup to my girlfriend. She's always wanted a portal to a graveyard full of bad guys, so this is the next best thing."

"A graveyard full of bad guys?" Dumbledore gasped, realization washing over him. "Were these 'bad guys' wearing hoods and masks?" The teen shrugged.

"Pretty poor fashion statement, if you ask me," he said. "Speaking of fashion statements, we should go check on that TARDIS." Snatching up the two girls, the teen grabbed onto the Cup and vanished once more. Dumbledore shook his head disapprovingly at the boy's failure to capitalize the word 'cup' when he spoke. A few moments later, the Cup reappeared, this time with Harry Potter, Cedric Diggory, a teen with glasses, a biker wearing a yellow helmet with kitty ears, and a blonde guy who looked like he was about to break something. A couple seconds after that, there was a blue flash of light, and the TARDIS appeared next to the Cup. The teen that looked a bit like Harry and the two little girls hopped out, along with a girl who clearly had no idea what was going on but still seemed to be having a blast.

"I don't understand anything anymore," Ron groaned. Hermione gave him a pat on the back and refrained from pointing out that there wasn't much Ron had understood in the first place.

-THIS IS A LINE BREAK-

"So, let me get this straight," Fudge said. "You're saying You-Know-Who returned from the dead, summoned these… people from Japan, attempted to gain immortality from one of them, and one of his Death Eaters managed to cast a translation spell that doesn't actually exist which is why the blond one understands English. And you really expect me to believe all that?" Izaya cleared his throat.

"In fairness," the future informant began. "I doubt that Shizu-chan could have learned a new language in any other way. Actually, I'm amazed that an ape like him can even speak Japanese properly. Oops, I just insulted apes, didn't I~"

"Izaya, you bastard!" Shizuo roared. Celty promptly bound them both with her shadows. Fudge blinked.

"Well, the creepy shadows are helping your case," he admitted. "But there's still no way I can accept that He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named has returned."

"Stick man." Kururi told him. Mairu shrieked with laughter.

"Look, maybe it was just someone who looked like him," Fudge suggested.

"He's Harry Potter," Izaya pointed out. "One would think he knows what his mortal enemy looks like." Dumbledore shifted uncomfortably, but before Izaya could continue, Harry piped up.

"I thought you were a Muggle," he said. "Why do you know about me?"

"I know everything!" Izaya declared happily. "Also, I'm a god."

[[He has a bit of an ego problem,]] Celty told Fudge. [[I can gag him, if you like.]] Fudge sighed.

"Unfortunately, he's a witness," the Minister of Magic grumbled. "He's not a wizard, so his testimony won't be taken quite as seriously, but I do need to know what he knows."

"You won't erase my memory, right?" Izaya asked, looking slightly worried.

"Can't," Fudge waved off his concerns tiredly. "I don't want to start a war, you know. I am required to inform the Japanese Bureau of Magic about you, but they don't usually wipe minds if you can prove that it's not necessary. On top of that, I'm fairly certain they'll just ignore you if you already had knowledge of the Magical World, which you clearly did, before today."

"Actually, we're from Ikebukuro," Izaya told him. Fudge groaned.

"Oh Merlin," he mumbled. "Since you brought that up, I'm going to assume that you're already aware that Ikebukuro is not technically within the Bureau's jurisdiction, though it is considered an unofficial part of Magical Japan."

"Wait, why is Ikebukuro outside of the Bureau's jurisdiction?" Professor McGonagall asked. "I'd always thought the laws there were simply not enforced properly." Fudge pinched the bridge of his nose, not looking like he wanted to explain. Being the kindhearted soul he was, Izaya decided to answer for him.

"Every country in the UN has a section or more for individuals of… questionable origin. Namely, creatures considered mythological, humans with abilities that don't fall under the classification of 'witchcraft' or 'wizardry', and normal people that are aware of all of these things. Celty falls under the first category, Shizu-chan falls under the second, and Shinra, my sisters, and I fall under the last category." Izaya explained. "These sections are usually referred to as 'Dead Zones', mostly due to the irony. There are various sections of Tokyo that qualify as Dead Zones, such as Shinjuku and Toshima, but there're also a few spots in the countryside. America has at least one in every state, by law, which adds up to a total of over one hundred Dead Zones. California, Illinois, and New York have around fifteen each, actually. Europe is a bit more complicated, as the UK has just one magical government due to political reasons. Fun fact: Loch Ness is a Dead Zone solely because of the Loch Ness monster. Anyway, people in Dead Zones aren't under the control of the magical government at all, even if they're wizards or witches. The non-magical government is responsible for them, though the Irish Courts often get involved when the situation involves Fae, like Celty."

"How do you know all that?" Harry asked, amazed.

"I know everything," Izaya said simply.

"Do you know why kids love Cinnamon Toast Crunch™?" Shinra asked, grinning. Celty promptly gagged him.

"I'm not sure if you're a genius or a show off," Cedric said. Izaya shrugged.

"Bit of both," he admitted, not looking at all ashamed. "Ah, and next time you want information, you'll have to pay me."

"That's right, you said something about becoming an info broker," the brunette girl who'd been silent up until then finally spoke up. "That's dangerous, but I'm sure Izaya-san can handle it." Izaya beamed at her.

"See, this is why I take you places!" he said happily. "Saki-chan understands me, unlike some people."

"I thought you only had two sisters," Shizuo said, looking suspicious.

"Saki-chan isn't my sister," said Izaya flatly. "I'm her guardian."

"You can't be much older than seventeen!" Hermione protested. "How on earth can you be her guardian?"

"Sixteen," Izaya corrected her. "Unless we're doing business, in which case I'm twenty-one. Also, I never said anything about doing it legally." Fudge frowned.

"Aren't you a bit young to break the law?" he asked. Izaya didn't miss a beat.

"Yes. Yes I am."

"That's never stopped you," Shizuo growled. Izaya snickered.

"This coming from the guy who causes literally 78% of the city's property damage?" he asked, grinning. If Shizuo hadn't been restrained by Celty, he likely would have murdered the younger teen. Hermione turned to the young girl.

"Your English is very good," she said politely, wondering how to phrase her question without offending anyone.

"Izaya-san taught me English," Saki said simply. "Unlike Mairu-chan and Kururi-chan, I paid attention. They only listened when Terry Pratchett got involved."

"Fair enough," Hermione agreed. She quite liked Terry Pratchett – the Discworld was her favorite fantasy series. Her favorite book was 'Equal Rites', her favorite character was Susan Sto-Helit, and Pratchett was one of her favorite authors – when it came to fiction, anyway.

"How do we get back to Japan?" Shizuo asked. "I don't want Kasuka to worry." Ron turned to him.

"Casca?" he asked, confused. "Who's that?"

"His boyfriend," Izaya told him. This time, Celty didn't even try to stop Shizuo from punching Izaya through the wall.

"HE'S MY BROTHER, YOU FREAK!" Shizuo roared. "AND I'M NOT GAY!"

"You shouldn't use so many exclamation marks," Cedric told him. Shizuo gave him a very dark look, and Cedric decided to shut up.

"You've never had a girlfriend," Izaya pointed out, climbing back in through the hole Shizuo had created.

"How are you still alive?" Harry wondered.

"I don't want to hurt anyone!" Shizuo snapped. "Except you, flea. Go die."

"Wanna go a toilet," Mairu piped up. Izaya let out a sigh, but before he could ask where the restroom was, Mairu giggled. "Too late." Izaya blanched.

"Dammit, Mairu, not again!" he complained.

"Your sisters still wet themselves?" Cedric asked, surprised. Izaya groaned.

"Only Mairu," he grumbled. "And she does it on purpose because she thinks it's funny that I have to clean up her piss."

"No, seriously," Harry really didn't want the conversation to continue on the subject of Mairu's bladder. "How the hell are you still alive?" Izaya stared at him.

"I'm awesome, obviously." He replied.

"YOU WERE PUNCHED THROUGH A WALL!" Harry yelled. "You fell at least forty feet and were back in a second!" Cedric sighed.

"Don't use so many exclamation points, Harry."

AN: Next time: Cedric's war against poor punctuation continues! Voldemort faces off against the voices in his head! Kururi goes on adventures with the TARDIS! Saki learns magic! Izaya changes Mairu's diaper! Okay, none of that stuff is going to happen. Probably. Well, some of it might. To be honest, this story isn't going to be extremely long. See you, guys~ ;P