A/N: If you actually clicked on this, I give you a wholehearted round of applause and a promise not to waste any of your time. This fanfic takes place...well, I'll tell you at the bottom. All I can say is, Daydream Surprise will be either more or less than what you expect.

~*Q*~

They sat around the table: the magic pink lion. The Gem with vibrant, kindhearted eyes. The deadbeat musician (if you'd excuse the pun.) The flying robot-dog who could shoot missiles out of his butt. And, of course, Steven!

"Ready to play?" The boy asked.

"You, uh, sure this is a good idea, kid?" Greg asked, with a nervous look around their location.

"It's safe, Greg," Rose said with a smile. He looked at her, and his eyes softened immediately.

"Now," Steven said, carefully lifting a sheet of instructions out of a cardboard box. "Citchen Calamity takes a while to set up, but - "

"Gwoar," Lion yawned.

"He says he's already got it covered," Dogcopter translated smoothly. His voice was deep and confidant, and as he spoke he gave his tail a slow wag. "Shall we begin our joust?"

They looked down. Sure enough, all the pieces and cards were in place.

"Man, Lion," Steven marveled. "You think of everything!"

All five of them began with their player pieces - slices of bread - by the Start Table. After a quick debate, Dogcopter acquiesced in going first. He shook the die, pulled a card, and read aloud: "You fall on the floor. Move 5 spaces toward the Condiment Aisle, but subtract 10 edibility points."

"Ha!" Greg crowed.

"The game is not over till the penultimate man has fallen," Dogcopter responded. "Though it is true I'm still in need of two sponges. It seems my skill set lies mostly in checker-chess."

"You did wonderfully," Rose beamed. "Greg?"

"You can go."

"Love, we already decided I'm fourth in line."

"Oh - right." Greg tore his gaze away from her and clumsily rolled the die. "That's a two, a three - and a six! Woohoo, looks like I'm gettin' all jammed up!" He chuckled at himself and played a quick air-guitar riff, then slapped a red sticker on his bread-shaped piece.

"Could someone remind me what the purpose of the Jam Equip is?" Dogcopter questioned.

"It means Dad gets to move 1.5x the distance he normally would for seven turns," Steven answered quickly. The Citchen Calamity rulebook lay untouched beside him. "Lion?"

The great pink beast of the jungle snuffled at the die, chewed the topmost card of the deck, and lay his head on the table. Steven went around the table to push his head off the game board, but was thoroughly ignored. "Lion, please, you're killing me-! Why are you even here with us?"

"Rrrrrrghhhh."

Dogcopter scratched his belly with a hind foot. "He says it's for the same reason as 'that heli-hound.' First, I am not a heli-hound; I am the one-and-only Dogcopter. Secondly, I'll have you know Rose finds me quite amusing."

"It's true," Rose said lightly, mollifying him with a scratch behind the ears. "He's such a clever little concept, isn't he?"

The Gem moved next. Her roll wasn't anything to sneeze at, but her card read: "Collect two sponges and move to the Sink Checkpoint. Roll the die; if it lands on a 4 or above, subtract 45 edibility points." Greg and Steven cheered as she picked up her two required sponges (made of little yellow squares of fabric) but sighed when her number came up as a 5.

"I still have 55 points to spare," Rose Quartz said peacefully.

Steven, the last in line, surprised them by standing up on his chair. "DICE BOMB!" he shouted enthusiastically, hurling it at the table. The plastic trinket bounced hard and landed straight in Lion's glowing mane. Steven took a deep breath and made to retrieve it, but Rose stopped him by conjuring a new one. This one was pink.

"Perhaps we should be a little more gentle with our rolls, dear?"

Lucky Steven rolled a three and a rare Warp Card, sending him straight to the Freezer Zone. This section of the board was hazardous, but could restore half of a person's edibility points. "Yeah, just a little more till the End Table! I've got this in the bag!"

Restarting with Dogcopter, the group passed the die from hand to paw to hand. Rose was in the lead when Steven and Dogcopter landed in the same space, immediately beginning a Calamity Square.

"I believe bologna from the Fridge Aisle wins over your fish sticks from the Freezer Zone," Dogcopter said with a touch of smugness. "You're freezerburnt!"

"Not if I can help it!" Steven cried dramatically. "I sacrifice one of my sponges to summon Wet Mop, which erases 75 edibility points!"

"Curses, I'm out of the game!" Dogcopter folded his front legs and nodded to himself. "Well played indeed, Steven. I see you're learning to trust in yourself." Then he picked up his player piece and ate it.

"Now you'll have to get back to the Sink Checkpoint and get a new sponge," Greg noted.

"It was worth it," Steven said proudly. "Besides, once we have our first Calamity Square, we get to bring in the blender! I've been needing a silver spoon." Lion poked his nose into the game's box and brought out a plastic poppable appliance. Greg pressed the blender's lid like a button and watched the dice rattle around inside.

Unfortunately, instead of the ever-coveted Golden Can Opener, Greg got Mold. The two turns he lost were ample time for Rose and Steven to team up and kick him out of the game.

"Yeah, good job Mom!" Steven cried. "Gimme some fin!" He and Rose Quartz high-fived, and, almost unnoticed to him, her chuckle took on a little whale-noise-like quality - turning into an awoo! of happiness.

"Go get 'em, honey," Greg winked, pushing his chair away like Dogcopter before him. The latter was busily educating Lion with his philosophical views, not that the pink feline seemed to be paying attention.

The three remaining players proved themselves to be very talented. Rose survived a second Calamity Square, this one between her and Lion, but not without losing her bread-and-butter equip card and spoiling half her soups. Steven tried getting her trapped in a ketchup-quake, but she rang the Dinner Bell and rejuvenated her supplies just in time.

"Wow," Greg said, staring at Rose's new hoard. "I've never seen anyone with that much paprika!"

"It's like the game always says, Dad," Steven said cheekily. Citchen Calamity may be played for fun - "

"But the hunger is real!" The two of them chorused.

With her new army of condiments and a rare Plate Shield equip item, Rose was able to invoke a Calamity Square against Steven. Fully protected from edibility point deduction, the Gem went full force against him and spoiled his food for good.

"Aww," Steven mumbled as he withdrew. His player piece was coated in black pepper. "That Plate Shield is way too OP!"

"Cheer up, shnooball," Greg grinned. "Don't feel salty about it!"

Everybody groaned. Lion flicked his ears in irritation.

The game proceeded in full chaos mode, as Rose basically went to war against every harmful or even mildly obtrusive object in the kitchen. Even the loss of her Plate Shield, due to a sudden and tragic fall from a high shelf, didn't faze her. She was two spaces away from the End Table when Lion turned up his paw and revealed - "

"The Platinum Spatula?!" Steven cried. "He had it the whole time?!"

"Rowgfh."

"He says he was waiting until he got the birthday surprise combo," Dogcopter reported. "I think that plus two hundred flip points makes it an instant loss for Rose."

"We have a winner!" Steven cheered, lifting Lion's paw into the air. Everyone clapped politely. Lion put his head on the Citchen Calamity board and fell asleep.

Dogcopter stood up on his chair. "To all of you, that was a wonderful game," he declared. "Each of you showed your true talents, and bore that little spark of courage in your soul that makes you who you are. I'm afraid I must be going, but remember - reality is an illusion, the universe is a hologram, and every choice you make is a statement. And, Rose, have faith in yourself: Steven loves you, but he's waiting for you to make the move to become a part of his life."

A set of helicopter blades rose from his back, and Dogcopter took to the air. He was ten feet away from them when suddenly, poof! The robot dog disappeared into a cloud of pink mist.

"We should leave too," Greg agreed, cracking his back. "Erg - all this pink is starting to hurt my eyes."

"Aw, c'mon, Dad!" Steven said playfully. "Mom's room isn't so bad once you get used to it."

"Someday, you'll learn to control it as well as I do," Rose Quartz smiled. "I'm proud of you, my son."

"Lion, could you get off the board now?" Steven asked. "And maybe help me clean it up?"

Lion grunted and rolled on his side, then poofed away into pink clouds.

"Cats…" the half-Gem muttered. He started picking up the game by hand, but a small cough interrupted him. "Uh - oh, right, right!" With a precise wave of his hands, Citchen Calamity vanished. It was just Steven, Greg, and Rose.

Greg reached up to Rose for a kiss, while Steven giggled and made a show of covering his eyes.

"I love you," Greg whispered as he broke off.

"And I you," the Gem answered. Poof.

"You should bring your real father here sometime," Rose Quartz remarked soberly.

"Yeah." Steven looked down, scuffling his sandal on pink clouds. "He doesn't like magic stuff, but...I think he'd love to see you again."

"I know he would," Rose answered, crouching to Steven's eye level. "Listen to me, Steven. I'm always with you. Especially in here - " she gestured to the room at large - "and here." She tapped not his gem, but his heart.

"I know, Mom." Steven assured. "I'll come visit you sometime. And I'll bring Dad, and Lion, and maybe the other Gems and Connie. And we can all be a family again."

"I'd like that," Rose whispered fiercely. "Remember the first time I spoke to you? I'll always be your tiny floating whale guardian, okay? I tried to protect you. Remember that, Steven. I love you.

"Goodbye, my son."

Poof.

Rose was alone.

It was worth giving up her life for her son a thousand times over. But sometimes it hurt not being there for her child. Especially when the single room she could manifest in was the one he was afraid of...it had hurt him in the past…

And sometimes Rose got very lonely by herself.

The Gem glowed. For a moment she took on the silhouette of a familiar shape - a tiny whale. It gave one sad awoo! and vanished, leaving Rose Quartz's Room empty and alone.

~*Q*~

A/N: This fanfiction takes place after "Rose's Room" and possibly before "Lion 3: The Movie." Or maybe it could be during any period of time up to "Open Book." Whatever the case, this general idea sprang to me late one night. I knew it needed some sort of depressing twist - isn't that just Steven Universe's style? Leave a review if you enjoyed.^~^

Also, the title Daydream Surprise doubles as a trope term. That may or may not have clued some people in to this fic's true nature.