Title: The First Time...
Summary: A bunch of things that happened to/between Jane and Lisbon for the first time since they met each other.
Disclaimer: Not mine, never were, never will be – sadly. All characters belong to Bruno Heller and CBS.
Author's Note: My first attempt at writing for The Mentalist. This is something I've been playing with in my mind for a while, and I hope it's not too bad :) Also, I MISS THIS SHOW SO MUCH!
The first time she sees him, he's a mess. In all these years in law enforcement, she's never seen anyone so completely and desperately lost. A part of her wants to do anything humanly possible to help him, while the other – bigger and more reasonable part – wants to run away as fast and as far from him as she can for she knows that after everything he's been through, there's nothing she can do to chase his demons away.
She takes the plunge though, looks into his eyes, and knows instantly that there's no going back.
xOOxOOx
The first time he sees her, he doesn't know who he is anymore. He's been broken and put together in the form he can't even begin to recognize. Nothing makes any sense and he is scared of never finding his way out of this void.
Her eyes are emerald green and so bright his breath catches in his throat for a moment, and he can't help wondering how the hell can everyone else in the world just go on with their business when those eyes exist. He's no less lost than when he stepped into this building a few minutes ago, but as she leads him to her desk in a crammed and crowded bullpen where the phones ring nonstop and the air smells like burned coffee, he realizes for the first time in forever that maybe there is a chance for the broken parts of him to fit properly again after all.
xOOxOOx
The first time she makes him laugh, Lisbon almost holds her breath in disbelief. There is so much pain and so much sadness around him it's almost palpable. No wonder his heartfelt laugher catches her off-guard. It loosens the ever-present knot in her stomach and almost makes her break into a happy dance.
Patrick Jane has a been a pain in the ass ever since she met him, but seeing all this life inside of him and knowing that she can unlock it makes her feel like flying.
xOOxOOx
The first time he makes her laugh, it feels like a small victory. No, scratch that. Like the biggest victory he can think of. She's never been happy about the way he weaseled his way into the team and she's never been subtle about it. But the sound of her laughter – the genuine one, not the snorts she's always eager to share – is like music to his ears, and it makes his heart sing.
He feels victorious and utterly ridicuous at once, and he doesn't care one bit.
xOOxOOx
The first time she confides in him, she feels foolish and vulnerable. She's supposed to be the strong one – he's broken enough for both of them. But she can't help it. She can't help spilling her guts at some point– having her fears and insecurities bottled up for most of her life doesn't come without a price. It's not telling him the truth that terrifies her though – in the back of her mind she knows she can always shoot him if he can't keep his mouth shut; okay, she can't, not really, but she likes to think of it as a possibility anyway – but the fact that it is easier than she's ever imagined.
She wants to start running.
xOOxOOx
The first time he confides in her, it's like walking on broken glass – you never know if you are going to make it to the other side, and if you're going to start bleeding in the process. She watches him the whole time, either too caught up in the story, or too scared he'd change his mind halfway through if she so much as blinks. What she doesn't know is that she makes the glass beneath his feet feel like clouds.
xOOxOOx
The first time she trusts him, it feels like jumping off the cliff and not knowing whether she'd hit the water or the rocks. And on the off chance that it IS water after all, will she swim or sink? He's the least trustworthy person she's ever known, and in her line of business that says a lot. And yet, she knows somehow that he will always be there for her, and it sends chills down her spine.
She trusts her team because she knows they'll always have her back. She trusts Jane because she can't help it. It comes as natural as breathing.
xOOxOOx
The first time he trust her, he puts his whole life in her hands. He's never trusted anyone except Angela before, not the way he trusts Lisbon. Weirdly enough, it has nothing to do with the fact that she carries a weapon – or usually five at a time – and can beat crap out of anyone twice her size. No, it's because she chooses to save him instead of letting him drown. And because no one else ever listened to him the way she does.
He trusts her not to break his life all over again.
xOOxOOx
The first time she realizes he is her best friend, it makes her feel warm on the inside. Her lips curve into a smile. She tries to recall the last time she felt so at ease with anyone else, and fails. It would've been sad – she's in her mid 30's and her life revolves around her job and nothing else after all – but it's when Jane drops by with her favorite donuts. She's that easy to please sometimes.
She lets most of his stunts slide for the rest of the day.
xOOxOOx
The first time he realizes she's his best friend, it fills him with hope. He's excited, thrilled even – after all these years of feeling more dead than alive, he never thought he'd ever feel that kind of connection with another human being ever again. He looks at her shooting glares at him – because he's messed up her case once again and there'll probably be a court date pending by the end of the day (where he'll have to apologize profusely and promise not to do the things he knows he'll have to do again, justice be damned) – and he can swear he can feel his blood running through his veins. He wonders if he's been asleep this whole time and now he's finally waking up.
He's tempted to comment on it, but he knows he'll have a stapler flying at his head if he does, what with her mood and all that, so he chooses to watch her with poorly masked amusement instead.
xOOxOOx
The first time he almost dies, she thinks she'll go crazy. She has to think straight; she has to be the strong one; she has to stay cool. It won't do either of them any good if she falls apart. She's a failure – it was her job to keep him safe. She holds her cross in her fist and recites the prayers in her head, willing herself not to scream in helpless fury.
The sound of her name escaping his lips even before he even opens his eyes almost makes her weep.
xOOxOOx
The first time she almost dies, he can't think of anything else. He blames himself even though it has nothing to do with him, or Red John for that matter – she's just doing her job, and being a cop comes with certain risks. He's known this the whole time, no news flash here. Still, his chest is tight and his breathing is shallow until she's out of the woods, and he has to stuff his hands into the pockets of his jacket to stop them from physically reaching out for her.
His smile is genuine and full of relief. She misreads and rolls her eyes, for which he is grateful.
xOOxOOx
The first time he makes her jealous, she wants to kick her own ass – it's childish and petulant, and she has no right to feel this way. He's proven time and time again that he's his own man and that her possessiveness will be mocked and laughed at (at best). She buries herself in paperwork instead, choosing to ignore the nagging feeling in the pit of her stomach and purposely not looking up to check if he's back on his favorite couch with his favorite cup of tea. (He's not.)
There's an origami tulip on her desk when she comes back from the meeting. She hates him for making her smile even when she's mad.
xOOxOOx
The first time she makes him jealous, he's lost. And more than a little surprised. It's like his world suddenly starts spinning backwards. He wants to hide in his attack and never come out until she comes to fetch him, and he also wants to compromise the cases she's working on so that she'd yell at him instead of being focused on someone else.
He does neither and pretends it never happened, knowing that if he lets himself think about it, he'd be in trouble.
xOOxOOx
The first time she finds out she's in love with him, she's horrified. It can't be happening, it just can't! The realization hits her with the force of a baseball bat, knocking all air out of her lungs, and all sense out of her head. She's never had a panic attack before, but now she thinks she knows what it's like.
She wants to lock the doors and never leave her house (except she's in the car with Jane, and he probably can read her mind and she's so screwed). She wants to pack up and leave. Move to Antarctica or something. She wants cry because it's not fair and she doesn't want to be in this position.
She knows he will break her heart, and she's willing to take this risk.
xOOxOOx
The first time he finds out he's in love with her, he's tempted to forget about Red John, quit the CBI, and disappear off the face of the Earth. He's never been this scared in his life. Well, in his after life at least, and he doesn't know what to do. Lisbon can do better than him, and god knows she should. She deserves someone complete, someone as strong as she is, someone who will make her happy. It's been years since they first met, and he knows he looks better on the outside, but on the inside he's still a mess, all random pieces barely holding together.
He's terrified, for all the obvious reasons. He does truly believe that everyone he gets attached to is doomed, irrational as it is.
He wants to start running. He knows he'll never be able to.
xOOxOOx
The first time she dares to dream, she feels stupid. She knows better than that. She knows that when it comes to Patrick Jane, it's safer to jump into a pool full of sharks than wander into the land of 'what-isf' and 'maybes' – with sharks, she has a better chance to survive.
Regardless, she lets her mind be. He can't read her thoughts anyway.
xOOxOOx
The first time he dares to dream, the night it moonless and pitch black, and he pretends that it's not happening. He feels guilty and ashamed – he wife and child are still not avenged, the man that took them away from him still walking free, and yet here he is, thinking about a scatter of freckles under the most luminous green eyes of the woman that makes him feel alive. He wants to scream – and he does, in his mind – and he wants to claw this image out of his head.
But the night as dark and he's all alone. And he asks himself – what if?
xOOxOOx
The first time she breaks his heart, it feels only fair. He knows he never deserved anything else. Except it's not a one time thing. No, she breaks his heart every day for months on end, years even, and without knowing it, too. She breaks his heart every time she smiles at him, every time she laughs, every time he wants to reach out and tuck a strand of loose hair behind her ear, every time he has to hold back from taking her hand knowing that he can't. Knowing he has no right to feel that way.
She breaks his heart by not realizing that she owns it.
xOOxOOx
The first time he breaks her heart, Lisbon is not surprised. He's run away from her, and deep down she knows that it's how the things will be for the rest of their lives. She knows she can make it through. The problem is – she's not sure she wants to. When he reemerges, she wants to let him drown. She wants to make him gasp for air day in and day out the way she does.
Instead, she grabs his hand and pulls him out of the mess he's ended up in, again. It stopped being a choice a long time ago.
xOOxOOx
The first time he kisses her, he thinks he is dreaming. It feels like salvation. Like coming home. Like finally! His heart flutters in his chest, growing bigger by the moment until it's so huge it fills the whole room. The whole world even. He wants to pull back and punch himself in the face for not doing it earlier, for waiting this long. For almost losing her, for Crist's sake! Instead, he buries his fingers in her hair and pulls her closer.
He is soaring.
xOOxOOx
The first time she kisses him, the world explodes. It's suddenly full of colors she didn't even know existed. He tastes like need and fear, and she's desperate to catch him before he falls. She feels his smile on her mouth, and she can swear she can hear his heartbeat, too. Or maybe it's her own beating in his chest. She is suddenly so light she has to reach for Jane before she floated away.
Is this what happiness feels like?
xOOxOOx
The first time he takes her out on a date, it rains and all of his plans are ruined – the fair with its magical lights and soft music is closed, what with the puddles stretching between the tents and threatening to swallow the occasional passers-by whole.
He accepts the challenge.
They end up having ice-cream in a small Italian place she's never heard of tucked in the narrow alley and then kissing for what felt like hours on her front porch. She can't remember what ice-cream flavor she picked that night.
xOOxOOx
The first time she surprises him, he's honestly baffled. But mostly proud. And giddy. And excited. And terrified because of how much power Lisbon has over him without realizing it. She's like a whole new world stretching in front of him, and he can't wait to explore it.
xOOxOOx
The first time he makes love to her, he's scared by how easily she makes him forget about his past; about everything, really. His heart is so full of things he can't explain he thinks he might explode. He tries to memorize the smell of her skin and hopes that he doesn't have to – he's not planning on leaving.
Funny how sometime a home has four walls and a roof, and sometimes it has freckles and a heartbeat.
xOOxOOx
The first time she makes love to him, she's not worried about half-truths and unsaid words anymore. She's not worried about the broken pieces of their lives getting in the way. It turns out that when they put those pieces together, they make a perfect picture.
The walls are falling down. The world is theirs.
xOOxOOx
The first time he is truly happy, he is holding her hand as they walk down the street. The night is warm and the light breeze smells like spring – like earth and leaves and new beginnings. And this is when it hits him – he's free. He's finally whole again.
xOOxOOx
The first time she is truly happy, Jane is looping a stray curl around her ear – a mindless, automatic gesture, which sends her heart racing for the reasons she can't explain. If someone told her a few years ago that feeling this way was possible at all, she'd laugh them in the face. Now she can't remember what it's like to live without the wings he's giving her.
xOOxOOx
The first time they know it's forever, nothing is impossible.
Comments are appreciated :)