(NOTE: to be read while listening to "Shout" by Lloyd Williams)

The Crucible worked.

The magical green beam turned everybody into organo-bots.

The Reapers decided to stop reaping, no longer seeing any need to do their great, incomprehensible work. They fixed all the relays and shared the knowledge of all the past generations with the surviving members of the galactic community. They received a shiny plaque for their contribution to society.

Everyone decided that humans were amazing and threw them a great big party to celebrate their hero Shepard's unilateral decision to turn everyone into organo-bots.

The krogan forgave the salarians, turians, and asari and became nice, peace-loving people. They are now the galaxies leading producers of medicinal drugs and reggae music.

The quarians and geth not only reconciled, but found a way to create cross-species babies. In fact, everybody started having cross-species babies. Even the babies.

The turians decided to give up their martial lifestyle and refocused their efforts on making baby cribs. Their preschools became the finest in the galaxy.

Everyone forgave the asari for holding back on everyone so they could become the top dogs, and the salarians for ditching out on the final battle. (They still suck, though)

The Council was disbanded in favor of the Super Awesome League of Everyone, which finally accepted the elcor, volus, hanar, and drell. Ironically, SALE was a democratic socialist government, and everyone got free health and family care.

The vorcha decided to go to night school and get a real job, inspiring a new wave of inspirational films and books.

The rachni befriended everyone, with the small, scuttling ones quickly becoming favorite household pets.

The Leviathans reconcile with the Reapers. They too make sweet love and hybrid babies.

The batarians all got space AIDs and died, because nobody cares.

And there was never any more war, or death, or greed, or evil anywhere.

Because everyone was now organo-bots. Because Mass Effect.

(end music)

"The end. Oh, I do love a happy ending, Lawrence!" Dr. Nefarious exclaimed, wiping a nonexistent tear.

"Indeed sir. But whatever happened to the crew of the Normandy?"

"Those squishies? Who cares?! It's not like anyone was invested in them anyway!"