Summary: I knew that humans are delicate glass figurines. So, I thought that if I fell from somewhere as high as the heavens, everything would be over because I'd break into a million of pieces. Then, I found out that you never really stop falling and you will continue to fall, until you forget why you fell in the first place.

Tag(s): OC, character has no prior knowledge of TG.

9. The State of Mind

"-right, class, the bell has rung, so you all can go," said Nakano-sensei, sighing right after as she saw her inattentive students who were pushing back chairs by standing up and cheering loudly.

It was truly a daily commotion, with screeching metal on wood, books being folded on the edges from rough handling of careless hands and the thump-thump of excited feet. A strange occurrence of noise where they cheer for the end of school. This was why I both look forward to yet at the same time, dreaded when school ended. It was always terribly loud and too much clashing noises to make proper sense of the environment. I did not understand why they didn't notice the mess of disjointed noise that turned into a nightmare orchestra. Better yet, I wondered why it was difficult for them to at least keep the noise down to a minimum.

Nakano-sensei cleared her throat.

Some listened, many did not.

"Remember to hand in your essay, everyone!" she reminded us cheerily with a grin to match. My lips twitched, unconsciously trying to mirror it. "What was the theme again?"

"Love!" answered most of the students in class. "We remember, Nakano-sensei!"

I was still in my seat, listening while closing my books, the standard issued poem textbook and my dark blue notebook. Then, I kept my stationery and slowly zipped my pencil box to not contribute more noise than there should be. Everything was done calmly. I was in no hurry, especially when I was already tired and didn't want to overexert myself.

"Okay, good to know, that means I won't have any late submissions, right?" Nakano-sensei joked as the class laughed along with her, some in humor and some in slight mortification. She started to pack up her stuff. She didn't have much beyond the same textbook, a pink planner and her cellphone. I appreciated that she didn't contribute to the noise like everyone else did. "Bye, everyone!"

Everyone chorused back their goodbyes to her. A few boys already dashing out the door, the speed of their departure was something to be awed considering that our randoseru are kept separately from us. A group of girls lingered at the back of the class before finally leaving. Some of the students stayed behind, strangely in no rush to pack up and leave, talking to one another. I wasn't interested beyond that. A few more groups were steadily making their way to the door.

Just as I was about take out my lunchbox and the bottle of small rose origamis from under my desk, a shadow loomed over me. It was inevitable. I looked up.

"Kurosawa-chan, may I talk to you?" said Nakano-sensei as she gave a kind smile. I wasn't sure what she was trying to achieve by speaking softer than she usually did and smiling a touch gentler. It was a contrast to the bold and boisterous exterior she used to exude friendly authority over the students. "In the staffroom. It won't take long, you can leave your things here."

I could feel the gazes of curiosity and maybe even dislike aimed at me. The silly conspiracies whirring in their tiny heads, it was as if I already know what they were trying to formulate of me. It was laughably predictable that once Nakano-sensei and I left the room, they would talk about this under the pretext of a serious discussion. Absolutely ridiculous, is what it is. There's nothing serious about attempting to analyze a person you know nothing of in order to gossip more about the fictional side of things than facts.

To tell the truth, I would be less annoyed if they could gather the courage to just ask me directly later than spinning stories about it.

My nonexistent relationship with them wasn't the matter whether I could understand love or not. My compassion, its amount rather fickle at times, wasn't the issue too. It wasn't like I lacked empathy either, contrary to the names they've called behind my back, like "freak", "ghost" or "creepy". Well, they could try to be a little more imaginative than that, but that is beside the point.

They were rather invasive fellows, physically or otherwise.

It was a wonder that Tachibana still didn't figure out or at least guess why I hated spending any extended time with them.

Enough of them, though, I thought as I steadily lowered my gaze at an even pace until I was looking at her skirt. A simple color and most likely was hand-washed more than it went through the washing machine. Not a thread out of place but the fabric was slightly frayed at the edges, giving away its age.

It was horrible how distracted I became if I wasn't interested in something.

But there was no way I could escape from it without giving a terrible excuse. Not-mother didn't come to pick me up this early and there was no way I'm telling anyone about my frequent trips to the park. My peace would be ruined and the brothers may be jeopardized by it. It's already enough that Tachibana knows.

"Sure." I left my neatly stacked books and pencil box on the wooden desk and followed her out of the classroom.

Our steps were even and well-paced, a nice tap-tap-tap-tap on the wooden floors. The way to the staffroom isn't by any means a long trek, but time seemed distorted while I was following Nakano-sensei. Unlike dread and fear, I wasn't sure how to make of this. Perhaps it was something akin to nervousness.

Once we reached the staffroom, Nakano-sensei slid the door open. It was noticeable but not too loud. As we entered, I saw that many of the teachers have already left, some probably on patrol duty while the others left for home. The lights, however, were still turned on, so I assumed that Nakano-sensei isn't the only teacher in school. I was just glad that no one else would be listening to this conversation, as I had no idea what it would entail.

Nakano-sensei pulled a chair from the table besides hers and placed it in front of her own chair, motioning for me to sit. It wasn't standard protocol to do that since students stood as the teachers sat down in the teachers' domain, but it wasn't my business to say this or that. I sat down, with my skirt tucked neatly and my hands on my lap.

"Was there something you wanted from me, Nakano-sensei?" I enquired politely. There was no reason to be rude to her. Courtesy should be a must for everyone. "Am… am I in trouble?" it was said fake hesitation. A repetition, a distance between words and softer, downhearted voice.

It is a strange question and an even stranger way to convey it, though it is merely a simple tactic to make her talk and act nicer. Most likely reveal something to "not make her cry". I've never been a troublemaker since I started school. In fact, all the teachers genuinely like me for being a studious, intelligent, punctual and courteous student, unlike the usual unruly bunch they get. I've heard them say I was an all-rounder, a very good student that was pleasant to teach, but also other things along the lines of worry. Like them being worried for me because I am an outcast and that I seem to not have any friends during recess and group work.

"No, not at all, Kurosawa-chan!" there it was, her blinding smile, though with undertones of comfort. She then lowered her voice again to a softer pitch, as if I was a rabid animal. "You're a good student. All the teachers love you."

"But I'm worried about you."

Oh. So that's what this was. I'm unsure whether I was anticipating something more exciting or I already knew it was the same issue deep down. Disappointment is a rarity.

"Actually, it's not just me, but also the rest of your teachers, like Yukimura-sensei, Okada-sensei, Eguchi-sensei," said the older woman as she listed the teachers who were teaching my class, "even Kimura-sensei and everyone knows he's pretty much made of stone!" she laughed, mentioning the well-known joke around school.

I wasn't willing to speak, letting her continue. It was easier if she finished saying everything on her mind about this, than for me to attempt to interject something to get a word, only for her to interrupt me. If she was done with her tirade, she won't be able to say anything, only agree.

She just kept going on and on about how the mentioned teachers noticed I "shied away" from group work and that I was always left alone during discussions, about how I never talked to anyone in class for anything, and then –

"-Kimura-sensei, that blockhead, has even noticed that you give the excuse that you're too unwell to participate in Physical Ed., so that you save yourself and everyone else the trouble of having to coordinate and play with you." she huffed, face slightly red from ranting. "It's been that obvious to him, of all people."

Yeah, I think she was done.

"Sounds like you need to work out your problems concerning Kimura-sensei." I replied, somewhat unusual of me to be sarcastic. Half of her rant had been about Kimura-sensei. I had not listened to most of it because of that. "Is that the issue here?"

"W-what? No!" she just looked embarrassed that she mentioned her colleague too much. Too bad for her that Kimura-sensei is married. Nakano-sensei coughed. "The point of this, Kurosawa-chan, is that you don't have friends and we're all worried, okay?" she said, trying to bring the conversation back to its original topic.

"I don't see why? I'm doing just fine." I said as I frowned at her. "I'm still doing my work well, listening in class…"

"Young lady, that is also not the point." Nakano-sensei heaved a heavy sigh. Maybe I annoyed her too much. "Alright, let me ask you this – what happened to you and Tachibana-kun? Aren't you friends?"

Again, maybe Kimura-sensei isn't the only dense idiot in the school. I'm kind of sick of listening to Nakano-sensei telling me I have no friends and that she's worried about it. She could save herself the trouble and ignore it rather than chasing after it like a dog with a bone.

"No. I'm not friends with people who can't decide properly." I responded, thinking about Tachibana made me ill too. Or angry, I wasn't sure. It was a complicated black feeling bubbling inside me.

Nevertheless, I tried to pacify her.

"I have enough people I like outside of school."

At the mention of other people, she brightened up immensely. Maybe I should have gone with that in the first place. But then again, I didn't like talking about them and it wasn't because of embarrassment. I was afraid to bring them any unwanted attention as they were not only ghouls, but illegal immigrants.

"So, you have other people outside of school, is that right?" she smiled, soft and sure. "Can you tell me about them, then?"

I had to be careful here. Be vague when it comes to their personal information, but be specific when it came to our friendship – that was the key. Redirect her to the information she thought she wanted to listen to. That way, it would be harder to track them.

"Yes, friends," it was back to the hesitant act, but this time it wasn't exactly a farce. I was actually reluctant to talk about them. Thankfully, it worked to my advantage instead of seeming suspicious. "Two actually."

"So, what are they like?" she hummed, not only excited but pleased that my 'issue' was solved, even if only slightly. She definitely still wanted me to have many friends, whatever that meant. "Since you said outside, they're not from this school, no?"

"They're nice," I said and had to be encouraged by Nakano-sensei's soft, 'go on' to continue. "Tai-nii is older than me by two years and Li-nii is older than me by a year."

That was true and I didn't have to lie about Ling Tai and Ling Li's respective ages. Though I never called them by those nicknames. At least, Nakano-sensei would assume that I had shortened their Japanese names, as it would be entirely too specific to give her their Chinese names. While they weren't entirely uncommon, how many Chinese children by those ages and names were there in this district? The authorities would definitely investigate if she blabbed.

"They don't mind spending time with me in quiet," I averted my eyes from my teacher and shuffled my feet with a small uptick of my lips. A shy smile to really nail it in. "I don't really like talking for long, so I just do my origami while they either watch or relax with me."

"Sometimes, they braid my hair," reminiscing the time they did a fishtail braid perfectly, decorated with my smaller flower origamis and the time where they braided my hair into a flower, "We also take long walks together."

I had my doubts to say this, yet I knew instinctively that it was something that had to be out physically. To let it sink in. Was it for her to believe or for me to let it accept it fully? I wasn't sure of this.

"We made a promise," a blood oath, "To be together forever."

Nakano-sensei was overjoyed. She smiled and I mirrored it back. "They sound like amazing boys, to be so good to you. I'm glad."

"I'm glad too."

. . .

After that shy confession to Nakano-sensei, she had let me go with a pat on the head and with the final words of, "While I'm not as worried anymore, I still want you to get along with the rest of your classmates, okay?" and I replied with a small nod. While she was too nosy for my liking, that was part of her job to be concerned about her students and look after them as well as to help solve whatever problems they had. She meant well and I respected that. It didn't mean I had to like her pestering me about having no friends though, that was for sure.

As I was on my way to open the door, someone else already opened it. I didn't even know why I was surprised anymore.

"Hey, Himawari-chan…" he greeted with a nervous grin. Hopefully, he was here to look for a teacher, not because he followed me all the way to the staffroom. "Er, wanna go back together to class?"

I held my grimace. I didn't know whether to pity him for attempting to pity me or his abysmal attempt at trying to be my friend. This time, though, that dark bubbling mess inside of me whenever Tachibana was involved was calmer. I think it was due to being drained from that conversation with Nakano-sensei about Ling Tai and Ling Li.

It was with great pleasure that I wasn't the one who had to answer him, as it was our homeroom teacher who spoke first.

"Tachibana-kun," she, too, looked pained at his arrival. There were hints of sympathy in her eyes though, for what I couldn't exactly tell. Probably because Tachibana was pitiful for attempting to befriend me, the 'outcast' and it wasn't something to be applauded for anymore. I was being difficult and he was becoming entirely too awkward with each encounter with me. "Are you here to see a teacher?"

I recognized it was an out. If Tachibana didn't take it, he was an idiot-

"N-no!" he stuttered loudly, then coughed to hide it. Now I frowned openly. "I was waiting for Himawari-chan…? I was worried that she got in trouble and, uh-"

Nakano-sensei raised an eyebrow.

"Well, if you opened the door that quick, I'm sure you overheard that Kurosawa-chan is in no trouble at all." She sighed, her previous joy from our conversation was gone. Given with the presence of Tachibana, it was expected. "Now, the both of you can go." She shooed us politely.

"Thank you, Nakano-sensei." I left the room by sidestepping Tachibana. He immediately scampered to follow me again.

As we walked, I didn't bother acknowledging him with a simple greeting or eye contact. He followed beside me, his steps quieter than his thoughts. I could practically hear them with the way he clenched and unclenched his hands and his furrowed brow.

"Aren't you bored of trying to be friends with me?" I asked, disturbing the somewhat tranquil pace that we set. "I'm not interested, especially after your assumptions about me and them." I didn't have to say their names for Tachibana to understand who – specifically two brothers – I was referring to.

He looked hurt at that.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean- I just," Tachibana looked at the floor. "I didn't mean to say mean things like that, I was just worried… about you…"

I sighed and decided to take pity on him.

"Look, Tachibana-kun, I already told you I appreciated it, but it's very unnecessary. I like that you're honest but you're also arrogant, which makes you have a perspective only you want to see. Like assuming things about me which are untrue." I looked at him in the eye, to show that I was serious.

Throughout all our encounters, I have been honest with him but perhaps I was not direct and firm enough for him to completely comprehend it. After all, arrogance does blind people, doesn't it?

"You have to stop because it's making me uncomfortable, okay?"

The idiot's face flushed red from mortification.

Before he could stammer out something else I didn't want to hear, I told him, "Let's just walk back to class" which shut him up fast and the semi-tranquil pace returned.

. . .

There was no time for anything to sink it other than the unrelenting, deep and dark fury rising from within like hellfire reaching towards the sinners to burn them. It wasn't a hellfire that cleansed the soul but rather, scorch until nothing was left except for a mess of burnt bones. The day itself hadn't been kind to me as I've started to lose my touch with my surroundings when I started to feel the fatigue wash over me. The conversation with Nakano-sensei left me floundering, everything a secondhand sensation like an out-of-body experience. With Tachibana, I felt as if I've been stranded in sea, surrounded by fog and the sea life beneath me that wouldn't think twice about swallowing me whole.

Maybe it was adrenaline, that got me moving and my pride, the very primal need to defend myself. I breathed slowly and regained some control over myself and my volatile state of mind. I did my best to show I wasn't shaking or else everyone would know I was falling apart. They weren't a zebra, a goldfish or a rat – they were ravenous hyenas, ready to pounce on any signs of weakness and swallow their prey whole.

Unluckily for them, I wasn't prey.

"Excuse me, but what are you three doing at my table?"

it was the same trio from before. I still didn't remember their actual names but at the rate they're accomplishing their goal at making me hate them, I don't see the point in giving them the courtesy of acknowledging them. However, hating was caring in a certain extent and I wouldn't give them the pleasure of letting them under my skin.

Still, it didn't mean I wasn't angry about the disturbance they posed to my belongings. It was clear as to what they were in the middle of doing – attempting to vandalize and steal for the sake of some pettiness I wasn't entirely aware of the reason for. If I thought they were a little smarter, I would have applauded them for their act that would cause minor psychological damage. However, that would be giving them too much credit. It was obvious they aren't smart enough to see the bigger picture to comprehend the pointlessness of targeting me and that I'm not so weak to fall for children's bullying.

The hot red rage that clouded my vision cleared up a bit and my skeleton was no longer about to vibrate out of my skin and flesh. That was when I realized it wasn't just the hyenas, Tachibana and I in the classroom but also them. Blinded as I was, I only saw the reason for my anger, but not what, or to be exact, who would stop it. Seeing them made me more… settled, stabilized in an unending storm.

They were already attempting to stop the hyenas, a look of calmness that was more heinous than it should be. I held back a smile, enjoying the reactions of the hyenas, who I realized never answered my question as to what they were doing at my table. They were too preoccupied by Ling Tai and Ling Li, the confusing and slight fear written on their faces.

(Hyenas? Not at all, as hyenas were smarter than that. They were just stupid scavengers that didn't know that they were the prey facing the predators.)

When Ling Tai finally glared at them, his patience running thin, the girls collectively shuddered and backed away. Whatever they were holding, like my pencil box or books were let go. Ling Li picked them up before they could hit the floor and arranged them back on my desk.

"Big brother, are Japanese people this rude? I thought being polite was their culture." Ling Li grinned wickedly. "What a terrible surprise waiting for us when we simply wanted to surprise Himawari."

Although he was learning at a fast rate along with his older brother and his Japanese was currently passable, he still preferred to talk in his mother tongue. Sometimes I was worried if it would be a large indicator in tracking them for being in the country illegally. It was why I taught them Japanese in the first place besides being able to blend in easier. Yet, they both assured me that there were plenty of Chinese-speaking folks around the district we lived in, just in shadier areas which meant they could play the part of being children of prostitutes or even slum kids that were abandoned in a foreign land.

"Don't follow their example and be rude, little brother." Ling Tai chided Ling Li, who was completely unrepentant on his words. "That would imply Himawari is in the same category as them. You should apologize."

"You're right!" agreed the younger brother. He turned towards me, his smile softening at the sight of me but still slightly cheeky. "I'm sorry, Himawari. You're obviously better than the rest of them."

This time, Ling Tai didn't chide his sibling, only a small uptick of his mouth to show his agreement and amusement. I wanted to laugh but kept it from spilling out of me. They were both so terrible and yet, I had this unfathomable emotion for them, something even I could not explain. 'Mine' and 'theirs', my mind reminded me. Before I could walk towards them, they were already packing my things, already knowing how I liked to arrange my things in my bag and took my bag for me.

"Let's go, Himawari." Ling Tai said to me, in Japanese this time. I nodded in acquiescence, following them out the door without question.

Together, we went and the world around me was much brighter again.

By the time the three of us left the school gates, I realized Tachibana never spoke the entire time, only observing the situation.

. . .

We settled together in the secluded part of the park, with me laying my head and legs on Ling Tai and Ling LI's laps respectively. My arms were on my stomach, fingers interlacing loosely as I sighed. I didn't feel up to anything I usually did right now, especially after what happened earlier. I'm not naturally a violent person, though what those three did earlier including the added provocation of Tachibana's arrogance and ignorance had made me disquieted in my own body.

The strange sensation of being pulled everywhere and my insides shaking could only be silenced through hurt. Either my own or another's, it didn't matter. As long as someone was hurt to sate the disquieted state of mind and body.

"You're thinking too much, Himawari." Ling Tai reprimanded lightly, knowing not to jar me with loud sounds, his brows furrowed lightly to show his displeasure.

Gently, he lifted his hand and massaged the back of my ear by stroking slowly and pressing delicately. I tilted my head to another side, giving him more access. He moved his fingers from the back of my ear to my neck, making small circles back and forth.

Ling Li frowned, his expression similar to Ling Tai. He too, using his brother's actions as an example for his next course of action, stroked my right ankle with light scratches and small circles. I didn't know why they were doing it, but I was hardly going to stop them. The tenseness I didn't know I had washed away, leaving a boneless mess on them who was too relaxed to say or do anything else other than breathing properly in tune. Finally, I closed my eyes until all I could hear was the sound of nature and my own breaths.

"Are those three always like this?"

I didn't need to see who was speaking to know who it was. Ling Li's voice was not as curt as Ling Tai. He always had an underlying tone of cheekiness with how much more talkative and friendly he was than his surly older brother. Though right now his voice was tinged with concern.

"Not sure." I said, the sudden relaxation cutting off my ability to speak in full sentences. Doing so just seemed so tedious at the moment. Flashes of images went through my mind, specifically animals – a nagging zebra, a nosy goldfish and a naive rat. "… Idiots."

A cut off chuckle. The both of them had the exact same laughter. When they laughed, they choked on it because they saw it as inappropriate and a danger to their safety. I didn't say it aloud, simply too tired to speak. Nevertheless, in the back of my mind and within the haziness of sleepiness, I wondered – would they ever laugh normally one day? Honestly, I would rather like to see that.

That train of thought was disrupted, when Ling Tai brushed my fringe out of my eyes. I blinked blearily, making out an expression of helpless… something. At this point, I couldn't really tell with how sleepy I was.

. . .

"-know, big brother… eat them… win-win situation…"

"Little brother… cause suspicion… understand one of them… three… at once? 'There… no greater calamity… consumed… greed'."

"Well… can't deny… Himawari's life… easier… gone. Look at… did… her. Aren't… enraged?!"

"Quiet, Li. We don't need to be the cause that… Yaos… grudges… lifetimes…"

"… apologize… feelings... didn't forget… taught… Sister… Brother... suppose… satisfy… hunger… inferior…"

Hearing the word hunger, I opened my eyes and glared at nothing in particular. Even though my eyes were too unfocused from my impromptu nap, they both comprehended that it was meant for them.

"Why didn't you tell me that you both were hungry?" I said, or at least wanted to because I was pretty certain that I slurred and mangled my words.

Still, they figured out what I wanted to say.

"It's not something you should be troubled over, Himawari." one of them soothed me. Probably Ling Li, he liked his words unlike Ling Tai. "We know how to provide for ourselves."

"Himawari, you have more important things to worry about." Ling Tai combed my hair with his fingers. "Like your birthday; you're turning eleven tomorrow."

"It's okay."

I mumbled, attempting to get up on my own. It was a failed endeavor, notably when Ling Tai had to support my back to keep me from falling to one side while Ling Li lifted my legs a few times to get the blood flow going.

Slowly, I started to lose that haziness of sleep and became more awake.

"We don't want you to see it," the eldest of them said, heaving a heavy sigh. "It's an… ugly sight."

I looked at the both of them and deadpanned, "I'll just accompany the two of you. I'm not letting any of you starve when you spend time with me."

"… Are you sure?" Ling Li mirrored his older brother's hesitancy with his own brand of unease showing. The brothers without a shred of doubt did not want me to go with them but I didn't want them to place their biological needs below me. If they needed to eat when we were together, they should go.

At the stubborn scowl they were faced with, they reluctantly agreed with a single nod.

And we went.

(My physical disquiet was calmed but my mind was still buzzing.)

(The disturbance upon my psyche, for now, simply existed within the confines of my mind but sooner or later, would fester like an infected wound with pus.)

(I would rot and die -)

(-then be born anew.)

A/N: Hey everyone! This chapter was longer but I decided to cut it for chapter 10 and chapter 11 (it's a productive WIP so far!). As you can tell, as usual Himawari is a functional psychopath with underlying issues (like over-stimulation from talking especially about personal stuff).

Anyways, you know the part where it says, [They were both so terrible and yet, I had this unfathomable emotion for them, something even I could not explain.] specifically the one underlined? It's actually the feeling of adoration, you dumb murderous nerd. Himawari is smart but so dense. xD

Also, I'm so sorry I took so long to update! :( But here I am now. :'D Reason for my absence was that 2016 was my final year of high school (plus national exams, yikes!) and now I'm in university. It's been a tough year and a half, but I'm trying my best! To everyone that reviewed and are still interested in this story, thank you!

Once again, thank you for reading and please do review!