My life was pure agony but that; that was Hell. And I don't mean that figuratively. I mean I literally had to journey through Hell. The agony of my life was nothing compared to enduring the scorching heat, the blistering cold and the excruciating torture. Since I became aware of the supernatural I've read up on a lot of theories covering creatures, magic and even the afterlife. Not one account I read in my research described the realm of eternal damnation accurately enough. And now I know. I know why you could never read and understand it.

It's one of the things you have to experience. And as long as I live I hope no one ever has to. I wouldn't wish it on even my worst enemy.

Nothing living should ever have to feel such a horrific torment. Nothing living was ever meant to. But I did and I wasn't the first. At least I don't think I was. I'm pretty sure I've read legends of hero's that journeyed there to save someone. The difference being I found myself stranded there unable to die yet unable to live. I couldn't die because how do you die when you're in the realm of the dead? But how do you live in constant unbearable agony?

Ms. Morrell was right when she quoted me Winston Churchill; 'If you find yourself in hell, keep going'. I remember she told me that when we discussed drowning. You release that last breathe to feel relief from the agony of drowning. You don't hold on because if you hold on it could be hell later. There is that slim chance you might survive but you give in because you need relief. I was in agony in my life physically as my body's functions started failing but also emotionally and mentally because I was trapped within my guilty head because of the deaths I caused. I know they'll all disagree. They'll say it wasn't my fault. The truth is though it was. If I'd been stronger I could have fought the nogitsune from within. I could have stopped it. I wasn't strong. I was weak. A weak, useless human.

Well I'm not a weak useless human anymore. Finding my way out of Hell was my toughest challenge. It made me strong. It made me useful. However it also made me less human. To escape the clutches of the void you hold tight to your humanity, you focus on it. In the end you lose it or at least part of it. You want to escape so you can live a life free from the torture. Only you find a new different kind of torture when you break free. You spend all that time wishing you could die to experience that euphoric relief and you discover even that is taken away from you. I may be stronger like I always wanted but I unintentionally paid the price I was never willing to. I held fast to my humanity and to discover the one thing I fought so hard to protect is in fact tarnished is devastating. I feel the injustice of my fate and I feel I could obliterate whole cities before my anger abates. I know instinctively that I will tear the whole world apart until I find a way to restore what was taken. I'm guessing those others I read about in the legends felt the same. I can only hope they found what they were looking for. What I will be looking for.

I shake my head to clear my mind as I finally see the person I came looking for. Allison's eyes go wide when she spots me walking towards her. She throws her arms around me, hugging me and holding me tight. "No, Stiles. Not you too", she cries.

"It's sort of complicated", I smile weakly. "But forget about it. It's not important. What is important is that I apologise. I'm sorry Allison. I know after getting you killed it's hardly enough to just say sorry but I needed to because it was my fault."

"Stiles, it wasn't", Allison starts to interrupt me.

"Let me finish please", I speak over her and she lets me continue. "I'm sorry and it was my fault. It was my fault because I was too weak to fight against the nogitsune. I couldn't stop it from doing all those murderous acts. I killed all those people." I sigh when I finish grateful that she let me finish what I wanted to say.

"Okay well Stiles", she speaks slowly. "Firstly it wasn't your fault. You weren't in control. We can agree on that. But it isn't because you were weak. It would have done the same to anyone it possessed. You are not to blame." She pulls away and waits until I meet her eye before she smiles and says, "Trust me on that. As to me being dead obviously it sucks but really with the life hunters, werewolves and all the other supernatural beings live I can't say I'm surprised. I died because I took away its advantage. I worked out how to kill the Oni it took control of", she clarifies when I look confused.

"Allison that's great", I smile but it's a brittle one because we both know that while it's true she didn't get a chance to tell the others. As if reading my mind her face falls a bit.

"The only problem is I died before I could tell them", Allison admits in defeat. I place my hand on her shoulder and squeeze it encouragingly. I give her a creepy cryptic smile as I say, "Don't worry you can tell them all when you get back. Just give him a message for me will you? Tell him "don't, it's already too late". When the time comes you will know what I mean."

Allison understandably gives me a confused expression. She must think I'm crazy and to be fair I probably am but I am also smart and my instincts usually lead me right. "What are you talking about Stiles? When I get back? I'm dead Stiles. I can't just wake up", she raises her voice angrily due to my lack of sensitivity.

I place my hand over her wound and whisper, "It's okay if you don't understand yet. You're not meant to." I pull my hand away and take a step back. "Remember my message", I smile sadly as I watch her begin to fade. She makes the strangest surprised face and fades out completely. If only it were so easy for me to leave this place.