…The first hit is the hardest.
Severus peers out of his bedroom window. He bites his lip so hard he tastes blood. Lily has a new car. A new car she will soon pick him up in.
He hasn't seen her since Hogwarts let out a week ago. It had taken him most of their sixth year to convince her to be friends again. It had taken him most of sixth year to convince the Death Eaters he was no longer interested. The curses thrown his way since then still make him ache in places.
He watches the cars glint in the sun and pass his house one by one. Spinner's End bites in the summer, and he lives at the very end of it. Nothing ever happens here. Everything is gray. He wishes he was a Pureblood. He wishes he was Muggleborn. (Not a Mudblood. Never again a Mudblood.) He wishes he lived six streets over, next to Lily.
(He wishes he lived with Lily, next to Lily in the kitchen and living room and in the passenger seat of a shared car and in a bed at night but he's lucky to have a strained companionability left.)
Finally a car pulls into his rocky driveway, ice blue and old and perfect. Lily opens her car door and he panics, tearing his lip open anew. She can't come to the door. Tobias might kill him. Tobias might kill her. He wishes she could meet his mother.
He bolts down the steps, almost forgets his tattered wallet, sprints through the house, throws the front door open before she can reach it. Her green green green eyes are wide, startled, then bemused as he slams the door shut, drags her away from the dilapidated house and the yells that have started up behind him.
The car is still cool from the air conditioner. Lily pulls out, giving him odd little glances with those eyes when she thinks he isn't looking. He's trying not to stare. Her hair blazes in the sun. (He has missed her, this woman who is his entire soul, life, purpose.)
"How's your summer been so far?" she finally asks. Quietly. Uncertainly. He wishes she would laugh, toss her head back and expose the throat he wants to-
"Fine, I guess. Nice car."
"Thanks. Tuny is pissed. Daddy got her a much older car when she was my age."
"Petunia is always pissed about something," Severus snorts and rolls his eyes. "She still with that fat cow Dursley?"
"Uh huh. I think it's getting pretty serious between them, actually. She told me just the other day she's in love with him. I told her that her love life is more fascinating than mine has ever been. It seemed to put her in a good mood for about five minutes."
Severus considers his next words carefully. He's no idiot. He's seen her with Potter in Hogsmeade before. (Fuck you Potter, fuck you fuck you.)
"Please. You could be the lover of a toad and have a more fascinating love life than Petunia."
Lily blushes and it's enough for Severus's main organs to drop through the floor of the car and splatter onto the road below. The day doesn't seem as sunny as it did mere minutes ago. "Yes, well, I've been to Hogsmeade with James a few times. He's really grown up quite a bit, Sev. But, erm, honestly, -and don't you dare tell James, Sev, don't you ever- honestly, I've been out with Sirius a couple of times. Sirius Black. I got… curious."
James and Sirius. Black and Potter. Both. Severus wants to cast every Dark spell he's ever read about at once. "Oh. Curious about what?"
Lily blushes harder. "Well, he's got a bit more of a… reputation than James does, hasn't he? Besides, he's always so much cooler. Doesn't try as hard. I feel like he's nicer to me than James is sometimes."
Severus raises an eyebrow at her even as he dies. "And was your curiosity… satisfied?"
His bleak, sarcastic tone is lost on her. She shrieks wildly with embarrassed laughter, brakes at a stop sign, reaches out and smacks his shoulder hard. "Shut up, Severus Snape!"
His soul splinters inside of him. (She meant yes.)
She takes his silence for judgment. "It's not like I shagged him. Besides, after being out with Sirius, I appreciate James a bit more. He's not nearly as wild, you know?"
Severus doesn't know, but he nods. "That's…nice." (Horrible, awful, damning, tragic.)
"How about you?" she asks after a beat. "Got a girl you fancy at all?"
He almost shakes his head, but he doesn't want to lie to her. "One. But I don't think she'll ever feel the same way."
Lily shakes her head. (Red hair green eyes perfect lips.) "Don't be silly, Sev. She'll come around, you'll see."
(Come around on the holidays with Potter in tow, a horde of Potter spawn destroying her body and making her tired.) "Yeah, maybe."
"Stay positive. Have you written to her at all this summer?"
(A box of her letters under his bed. A million of his own crumpled and tossed in the bin because they aren't perfect enough to send to her. A million professing love, devotion, crude lust.) "A few times."
"Has she replied?"
"Once." Agreeing to see him today.
"Was it warm? Affectionate? Did she ask you to see her? Offer to come to you?"
(Cum for me, Lily. Psh. In his dreams tonight, maybe. Definitely.) "Er, not exactly. Well, sort of."
Lily smiles at him. "Silly Sev. Have you told her you want her around?"
(Every day, for the rest of his life. Just one Prince or princess, because he knows she wants at least one. Happy, healthy, taken care of.) "Not in so many words."
"Well then there's your problem. Want some ice cream? We can stop up here."
It melts all over the table between them because she wants to sit outside, where she can soak up sunlight. Some of it smears across her lip. (He wants to lick it off for her.) This is possibly the best day of his life so far, discounting the talk of Potter and Black. She's laughing, talking, looking at him as though he didn't commit blasphemy against her, take her name in vain.
"Look! Across the street there. Isn't that the quaintest little bookshop?"
That's his girl, throwing words around like quaintest. "It looks alright."
"We should go."
"It's probably full of trashy romance novels."
"Trashy romance novels are the best kind of romance novels."
(A saucy smile, foxy, the kind of smile he's imagined seeing against his pillows, her pillows, dear god Lily please-)
He'd follow her into Hell. He's tripping over himself trying to hold the bookshop door open for her. She notices, grins brilliantly at him.
She snickers at the romance novels but he notices her tuck at least two under her arm. One about a pirate, the other about a knight. (Black, Potter. Both.)
"Ha! Look at this," she laughs. She holds up a pink, orange, white book, psychedelic swirls making him blink too many times. "What Every Teenager Should Know About Drugs. I think they should add this to the school curriculum, don't you?"
He smirks, imagining Binns reading out of a book like that. "Absolutely."
The smile fades from her mouth, eyes going flinty, interested as she flips through the pages. She turns them slower, slower. Severus is shocked to his core. Lily, his Lily, interested in Muggle drug culture?
It's confirmed when the bookshop owner, blazed out of his mind behind the counter, clears his throat. He's wearing a name tag reading Bob and his pants are as colorful as the book cover. He's at least forty. "You two chill?"
Severus is thoroughly confused by this extreme turn of events, but Lily just smiles, as loving and open and tolerant as ever. "You bet."
The man beckons them over, and before they know it, the book is in Lily's possession, along with enough weed to last them two weeks. This is not the sweet, rule abiding girl he's always known. (Fuck you Black, fuck you fuck you.)
Severus gapes at her the whole way back to her car. She's entirely relaxed and nonchalant as she pulls away, heading for their spot by the river.
"What?" she asks, sensing his eyes on her.
"You just bought drugs. Drugs, Lily."
"Yes."
"…Why?" (A voice in the back of his head, asking why not?)
"Why not?"
"Are you mad?"
"Not at all. I've just been reading a bit, that's all. I've become rather immersed in Muggle hippy culture as of late. It's Sirius's latest attempt to piss off his parents, see."
"So you've done this before? Bought this stuff?"
"No, Sirius did, but I smoked it. So did Remus and James. That's an experience I'm not likely to forget, believe me. Peter didn't want to join in. The boys wanted to pressure him, but I wouldn't let them."
Severus gives himself a moment to absorb all of this. "So I don't have to? Smoke it, I mean."
Lily gives him a scandalized look. "Of course not! God, Sev, what kind of person do you think I am now? I know we haven't talked in a while, but I haven't changed that much. I just thought we could chill together. It seemed like something you'd be in to."
(Same red hair, same green eyes, same perfect person.)
(Together.)
"Both of us? Together?"
"Both."
(BlackandPotterBoth.)
"Okay."
"Really?!"
"Yes. Of course. I'd do anything for you, Lily."
Lily shakes her head, all sternness and beauty. "No Severus. Don't do something like this for me. Do it because you want to or not at all."
Severus looks at the pieces of plant in the plastic bag on the seat next to him. He looks at Lily, relaxed behind the wheel of her blue car, so serene and caring in this moment. He wants to freeze the image the same way Muggle photographs are frozen, keep the sight of the green trees behind her that match her eyes and her hair like fire in the white sunlight emblazoned in his mind forever and ever.
He smiles. "No. No, I want to smoke it with you."
Lily relaxes further, takes her eyes off the road for a moment to grin at him. "I'm glad we're friends again, Sev. I'm glad you got away from those Death Eaters."
Severus thinks of the terrible reality he could have been trapped in if she had not forgiven him; obsessed with the Dark Arts, without her in his life at all, well on his way to being branded the possession of a madman that would gladly eradicate her entire race.
"Lily I was so scared!" (The words, they won't stop, he's never admitted to them but he has to tell her.) "I was so, so scared Lily."
"Of what?" Her eyes are sharp, her tone sharper. (I'd do anything for you, Lily.) "Of them? Did they threaten you or something?"
He realizes with a jolt that she would protect him, too. He hadn't noticed before, but her wand is tucked into her waistband underneath her shirt. Just like his. Her fingers leave the steering wheel, twitch toward the hem of her top.
"No. I mean, they did when I left them. I was just really messed up. I had good intentions, I swear! It sounds weird. Having good intentions when messing around with Dark spells. But I did. I did it all for you, Lily. But when I thought I'd lost you-"
"Wait. You did what for me?!" (Anything.)
"…I'm not stupid, Lily. I know you're a target. I knew all the way back then. I just, I thought, maybe if I joined them… maybe I could protect you from them. Maybe they would leave you alone."
Lily drives in stunned silence. The sunlight becomes oppressive, throws everything into perfect clarity, burning away all illusions. Severus sits and tries hard not to sweat.
"I can't believe- you would sign away your life?- I don't even- how could you- I just-"
Severus frowns when Lily starts to stutter. Her knuckles are white against the wheel. She's started to shake. He watches as his soul-mate falls apart in the seat next to him. She jerks the car to the shoulder of the road, head bowed low. She presses her hands to her mouth, eyes screwed shut.
"Lily?" He has to touch her. He reaches out and puts a hand on her shoulder. She smacks it away.
She doesn't look at him, just fumbles in the console for a lighter. She keeps her (red, red like blood) hair over her face. She rolls the drugs in the bag, lights them up, and breathes in deep. Right there in the daylight. (Clarity.)
He reaches out for her again, hesitantly, and this time she doesn't smack his hand down. He rubs her back, slow, smooth. She breathes in once, twice, three times. The smell makes him a little dizzy.
"I have to get blazed just to deal with you, Severus Snape." Monotone. Her voice is a monotone. It scares him more than Death Eaters, more than Voldemort.
She pulls back onto the road. Severus frowns some more. "Should you really be driving like this?"
"It's fine. We're not that far."
The grass is warm and soft when they (finally, Merlin, he never thought he'd be back here) make their way to their spot. He flops down on his back. Lily flops down next to him much closer than she ever has before.
"Smoke." She holds a fresh blunt out to him. (Clarity emblazoned across the sky, red and blue and green.)
He folds his lips around it, takes a deep breath, and coughs several times. A heady sort of feeling hits him immediately. He feels his muscles loosen up. He takes several more breaths, more than Lily. She watches him as he notices the world spinning all around him on its axis. He wonders how he never noticed before. Everything moves so fast. (Gravity. Sky.) Everything is moving but him. Him and Lily. They just breathe, in and out.
"Why would you do something like that, Sev?"
"Something like what?" (Had they been having a conversation? He's going to have to pay more attention. Her eyes are so damn beautiful. They make him want to cry. Or pet woodland animals.)
"Why would you join a group like the Death Eaters for me?"
"I already told you. I'd do anything for you Lily." (They are alone here in the mad, spinning world. So many colors. Everything makes so much sense.)
"You love me that much?"
Severus loves Lily. He loves the earth and its spinning axis. Or does he love the axis and the spinning earth? "I love everything right now!"
Lily laughs and he watches the sound as it floats away. "Sev, I do believe you are baked."
"Probably."
"You're almost as funny as Remus when he's stoned."
"Why would you stone Remus? That's so cruel, werewolf or not. An Avada would be much more humane."
Lily curls onto her side, laughing and laughing and laughing. Severus feels it on his skin. He never wants her to stop. (Please Lily. Merlin, just like that. Lily please don't stop. Cum for me Lily.)
He keeps talking. "We should totally stone Potter. Or Black! Or Black and Potter! But that means we'd have to have twice as many stones. Right? Or, no. One of them could just lie on top of the other. I think. I'm confused."
(Both.)
"You're killing me, Sev!"
(Sev, you're killing me. Please just let me c-)
"What? Killing you? Don't die, Lily."
"Okay. I won't die. I mean, I suppose I will eventually."
"Don't die before I do, then."
"Okay."
"I mean it. Then I would stone myself. Wait. If I put a rock on top of myself, how would I move to go get more?"
"…I honestly don't know."
…
…
…
"OH! I KNOW! MAGIC!"
…
…
…
"Dude. What about when you stone your wand arm? Then what?"
…
…
…
"Alright. So maybe I couldn't stone myself. Still. Don't die, Lily. Stay with me. Always."
"I will."
"I mean it."
"I do too. I'll stay with you, Severus."
…
…
…
"I dunno. I think maybe you could stone your head first. Then it wouldn't matter if you stoned your wand arm or not."
"Severus? What are you doing here?"
Severus opens his eyes to find Lily staring back at him from only an inch away. He thinks of leaning forward, kissing her swollen lips. Her eyes look larger in the pre-dawn light, too. It's the most beautiful sight he's ever seen in his entire existence.
"You asked me to stay the night at your place. Remember? Sorry for falling asleep in your bed. I should have taken the couch. Shite! Are your parents home?"
"They left for work an hour ago."
"Oh. Good. How did they not hear us come in?"
"No idea."
She drives him home as the sun rises. Aside from feeling thirsty and very groggy, Severus is entirely fine. Better than fine.
He could get used to doing drugs.
Property disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or anything affiliated with it besides the plot of this fan fiction. I also do not own the book What Every Teenager Should Know About Drugs by David Wilkerson. I only borrowed the title and described the book cover. Also, I think it's fair to mention that David Wilkerson was not an advocator of drug use, but a firm opponent. Therefore I've tried to make my chapter headings objective; feel free to interpret them however you'd like. As far as I am aware, they are not from the actual book.
Drug disclaimer: the drugs mentioned in this story are sometimes harmful, and generally illegal. This story is not meant to endorse or glamorize drug use. It's simply used as a plot tool to explore teenage experimentation and what could have been. If you or someone you know abuses drugs, please do both you and/or them a favor and contact your local rehabilitation center.
Thanks so much for reading! Feel free to leave your thoughts in a review. This story will have five chapters. Updates will occur (at least) weekly until it's complete!