Acid Test

"To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved."

George MacDonald

The whole issue started off with an apparently innocent question from Jervis's part. By now Jonathan knew that his partner sometimes talked just for the sake of running his mouth some, so he didn't give it any particular importance. Not at first.

-Jonathan?- asked the Brit without looking at him, discarding card after card from the deck he was holding in attempt to complete his solitaire.

The psychiatrist had long ago terminated the synthesis of a new batch of fear toxin, and was in the process of filling a number of syringes.

-Yes, Jervis?-

The table he was working on was large, so Jervis had asked for a corner he could occupy, because he didn't feel like being alone that evening, or so he'd said, and Jonathan could keep on working for hours when inspired. He had promised to stay quiet, but apparently it meant asking too much.

Since he didn't answer right away, Jonathan stopped his work in mild annoyance, and eyed him from the other side of the table. The shorter man's head was bowed over the cards, blonde bangs covering his eyes. He was still staring at them when he spoke again.

-Do you love me?-

Being the difficult person that he was, of course Jonathan couldn't respond with a simple "yes" or "no".

-Is there any particular reason you're asking me this now?-

Jervis slid a card on the table with the tip of his finger, still not looking at him.

-No reason- he said absentmindedly. –So, do you love me?-

Admitting his feelings had always been a touchy subject to Jonathan, he would have expected Jervis to know it by now. He was starting to feel irked, even more so when Jervis raised his head and fixed a pair of expectant blue eyes on him. A part of him wanted to reproach his partner for asking such insipid questions, but another part thought that, if he asked just because he was bored, a simple answer would save a lot of trouble.

-Of course I do- he huffed finally, voice bordering on dismissive.

-How could I be sure of that?- Jervis asked again, suddenly serious, his game of cards momentarily forgotten.

A gleam of uneasiness flickered in his baby blues, and Jonathan could tell from that that this wasn't the usual mindless babble laid out to kill time. However, at the same time, the situation ticked him off: he and Jervis had been together for six months by now; they had fucked, robbed banks, caught test-subjects for his experiments, everything a normal couple would do… He had absolutely nothing to prove to anybody. That was not part of the deal.

-What brought this up, all of a sudden?- Jonathan asked, going around the table and now standing close beside Jervis, his hands crossed over his chest.

The blonde spun his chair to face him and looked up.

-It occurred to me…- he began, -That I've been sure of a lot of things in my life, and all of them tuned out to be nothing but a bunch of lies. Jonathan, you have no idea what it feels like to give all your love, your whole heart, to someone who doesn't even notice you exist and see it torn to pieces right in front of your eyes. To have all your certainties crushed. I've gone through this too many times, I couldn't stand it if it happened again with you.-

Those words softened Jonathan's heart a little. His eyes grew warmer, though his posture stayed rigid.

-So, what do you want? An evidence of my affection for you? You know, I could swear I love you over and over, but you would never have the utter proof that it's true.-

For a long moment the Hatter's brilliant eyes looked disheartened, and Jonathan could swear he saw a little bit of increasing edginess too. The blonde pouted and crossed his arms on his chest, mimicking the pose of his companion.

-I must really tell you this, Jonathan: you suck at comforting people. All I asked for was a little reassurance, is that too much for you? It shouldn't even be difficult to answer, of course, if all we have shared ever meant something for you at all.-

The pout slowly morphed into a hurt grimace, brow furrowed and eyes low to hold back the glistening of verging tears.

Jonathan rolled his eyes. How much of that act was genuine and how much result of a temper tantrum he couldn't tell, but his reasonable self told him he had to do something. His conscience was generally very flexible, which meant he could do almost anything without necessarily suffering remorse, but with things regarding Jervis he was at a dead-end.

The blonde man was, unfortunately, the exception to all his rules. He hated how he made him feel confused, at the mercy of feelings he had never felt and was just beginning to understand, how he brought to light a morality he thought he had buried along with his innocence, how seeing him sad made him feel bad.

He would never admit this to anyone, but Jervis was the only person in the world who was able to perturb his otherwise ruthless heart: on bad days, he even made him feel guilty of his actions.

This looked like a bad day, for Jonathan felt the ever so rare pang of guilt tapping in his chest.

So the psychiatrist put his bad temper aside and cradled his fingers through the shorter man's hair, pushing his blonde head forward till his forehead rested comfortably on his costume-clothed stomach.

When he spoke, he summoned the most soothing tone he could muster, petting golden strands to make his words more effective.

-Stop fussing your head over this, Jervis. I love you, I really do, but I also told you the truth: this isn't something I can prove beyond any doubt, I think no one can. As far as I know love is a matter of faith. You fly blind when you give your trust to another person, all you can do is have faith they wouldn't betray you.-

-Faith?- came a little voice from below.

-I know that you, as a scientist, would prefer a clear evidence. Hell, even I would rather have that. Too bad we're stuck with this state of uncertainty, exactly because we're in love; maybe if you want a proof so badly you should settle for the fact that there is no proof at all.-

Jervis stayed silent for a minute, and Jonathan took the opportunity to add something.

-You know… Sometimes I really hate you with all my heart.-

The Brit's head jerked up, on his face bloomed a heart-broken expression.

-I hate you…- Jonathan continued, -Because I decided to believe that you love me, and I don't know what I would do if it turned out I was wrong. It makes me feel so damn vulnerable that my happiness is entirely in your hands; you could decide to crush it anytime, but for the sake of this relationship I must choose to believe you won't. It's… scary to feel this helpless.-

He looked away while confessing the last part, since the God of Fear would absolutely not admit that he too could get scared. One more reason to make his partner feel sorry in the near future.

A small smile stretched on Jervis's lips, baby blues now as clear as a clear spring sky.

-Jonathan, do you trust me?-

The other put his hands on his hips.

-The point is, do you trust me? All this thing came up because you had some misgivings about my feelings for you.-

Jervis shrugged dismissively.

-I just wanted a little reassurance, that's all. I'm sorry if my… behavior made it seem a bigger deal that what it actually was.-

-Would it make you feel better if I said that you're the only person I wouldn't test my toxin on?-

Curious eyes now stared at him, expression indecipherable.

-You know how much I like to see people screaming in anguish and cowering before me, struck by terror. I must admit that the sight of them wriggling and writhing, breaking their fingernails scraping on the walls in search of a safety that won't come, isn't just a bliss for scientific research, I like it. I really do. The workings of fear brings me a pleasure I am rarely able to experience. Just the thought of having you in such a state makes me feel…- Jonathan felt warmth firing up his cheeks, the image so vivid in his mind that he was sure his pupils grew larger and larger every second that passed.

-…Excited- he slowly exhaled. –But I won't do it. Not to you. Because you're the only person I don't want to hurt, even if I would enjoy the conditions you'll be in.-

When that speech ended Jervis let out a breath he didn't know he had been holding. The liquid gaze of his companion elicited in him a sense of lightheadedness and a fluttering in his heart: he knew that gaze, it was the one Jonathan always had when he felt like making love. A hungry, predatory stare.

What he didn't know but came to know now was that Jonathan had always tried really hard to restrain himself from having his disturbing way with him.

He should have been frightened, he should have been worried, maybe.

But he wasn't.

Instead, he felt aroused.

He had just been presented with the opportunity to play with fire, and he was too mad and too in love to pass up the chance of getting burned.

Jervis suddenly licked his lips, making sure the movement was too slow to be missed, and languidly spread his legs on the chair, staring at Jonathan through half-lidded eyes. Behind blonde eyelashes scorched an allusive spark.

-Why don't you do it?- he said eventually.

Lost between his own fantasy and the need to be the mature part in their discussion, Jonathan wasn't really following anymore.

-Excuse me?-

-I trust you- Jervis said, instead of answering. –So much in fact, that I'm willing to let you do anything you want with me. If that means being injected with your toxin, then so be it.-

Jonathan was bewildered. He now found himself torn between the dark desires he had fantasized about for so long and the fact that he practically just promised Jervis he wouldn't have succumbed to them.

Then again, he had his permission, hadn't he?

-You don't want to see what this toxin is capable of- warned Jonathan, trying to buying some time.

Jervis just smiled that Cheshire Cat grin of his, tilting his head to one side while leaning toward him.

-Let me prove that you can trust me. I promise I won't run.-

Jonathan wondered for a second how someone could look so angelic and yet so devilish at the same time. It was almost like –but it couldn't be possible- Jervis was tempting him. If so, he didn't know what he was getting into.

Inside him, the Scarecrow licked his lips.

From the man he loved so much, he already took everything he could possibly have, but one thing missed, to possess him completely: his fear.

A taste of Jervis's exquisite terror, he was sure, would make all his other experiments pale in comparison. He would be in the little man's mind night and day, in his dreams and in his nightmares. He would have him for real.

Without another word, Jonathan went to his side of the table, where various chemical and medical equipment stood, and rummaged around for the right tools.

He came back a moment later with a syringe full of dazzling yellow liquid, a bottle of alcohol and some cotton, and a silicone tourniquet. Jervis looked at them.

-You keep all that stuff within arm's reach, I see.-

-Be quiet- Jonathan snapped, trying desperately to contain Scarecrow's excitement. –And show me your arm.-

Instead of simply rolling up his sleeve, the Hatter took his sweet time unbuttoning his shirt and shedding it off his shoulders, showing a tanned small chest, nipples perked up in the chilly air of the lair. He extended his left arm, where faintly blue veins from the wrist dove into tender flesh.

Jonathan knelt down beside him, and secured the tourniquet around his arm; tightening it so a blood-full vein swelled in correspondence of Jervis's inner elbow, he disinfected the spot with a cotton ball soaked in alcohol. The slow caresses and the volatile fumes made the blonde dizzy and gave him delicious goose bumps in anticipation of what was yet to come. While Jonathan was concentrated on his task, Jervis never tore his eyes away from the face of his companion, from his slightly parted lips and the shiny soft tongue probing between them.

-This is the last chance you have to say no- warned Jonathan, raising blown pupils in large blue eyes. Jervis just shook his head.

-Go ahead, dear. I trust you.-

To make his point clearer, he bent down and rested his lips on Jonathan's chapped ones, exchanging for a blissful moment hot breaths and body warmth.

When he retreated, Jonathan's hand trembled. His lungs felt like they had spent days without functioning, his head throbbed with too much blood pumped by his restless heart.

His hand squeezed the syringe tight and placed the needle on the exhibited vein of the inner elbow. With a delicate push the skin broke, and the needle sank in the comfortable channel of the vein. Jervis let out a small sight; a shiver ran down his spine, and unconsciously his legs parted more.

Right when he was about to press the plunger, Jonathan froze.

Ignoring the Scarecrow screaming inside for him to get a move on, he looked up and met Jervis's eyes. He saw the same unreadable look, a mixture of slyness and naivety, of madness and affection. He was surely playing dumb.

It occurred to him now that he couldn't understand anymore who was controlling who: at this exact moment, he felt like a marionette on strings.

The dark offer he took up wasn't as much an invitation to give in to temptation without consequences, but rather a test. And he was too lost in his own pleasure to notice it.

With a quick gesture he extracted the needle from Jervis's arm, drawing a small drop of blood with it. The syringe and the tourniquet were swiftly discarded on the table in a fit of profound annoyance.

Jervis snickered softly.

-You couldn't do it, could you?-

The taller man's face was a mask of frustration.

-I have more willpower than that, you twisted little fucker.-

He motioned to get up, but Jervis raised with him and caught his arm in a hand.

-Wait, Jonathan. I feel a little bad for causing you so much distress. I honestly didn't think it would have flustered you so.-

Jonathan stared in irritation at his shirtless companion.

-You should really vent all of this frustration. Pent up emotions can be harmful to mental health, you know?-

His small hand sneaked on Crane's arm till it came to rest on his shoulder, and then low again, pressing on his chest.

-I'm sorry.-

In a flash, Jonathan twisted Jervis's arm behind his back and shoved him facedown on the wooden table, pressing his whole body against his back.

The blonde managed to giggle, despite his chest being sandwiched between Jonathan and the hard surface.

-You have a lot of pent up frustration, don't you?-

-And whose fault is it?- retorted the psychiatrist. Then he bent down, mood completely changed, and with a sweet voice whispered in the blonde's ear:

-You drive me crazy, but I love you. I hope your doubts are cleared up now.-

Jervis heaved a sight, eyes half closed. -I changed my mind.-

-Oh, yeah?-

-I guess I'll settle with having faith, and hope it would work. Anyway, I decided don't care if I get hurt, as long as you're the one hurting me.-

Jonathan kissed his cheek with a loving brush of lips.

-I'll hurt you only if you ask me to. And I'll do it as gently as I could. Me too, I wouldn't mind if you were the one doing it to me.-

More giggle.

-That's sick, Jonathan.-

-We're crazy criminals, we do sick things. Besides, it's nobody's business but ours.-

-Maybe you could inject me again. I kinda like you putting something inside me every now and then- the blonde said with a leer, squirming to have his whole body caressing Jonathan's.

In return, the Master of Fear licked his way on his companion's cheek, reaching for the corner of his mouth and sucking a kiss as best as that position allowed. The hand that didn't hold Jervis's arm slipped to the man's trousers, unzipping and lowering them, and then his own.

Jonathan spread apart the legs of the man below him with a foot, and leaned on him completely, lining himself up and pushing gently inside. He heard a broken gasp escaping Jervis's mouth. And then he started to thrust, deep and hard, as the body he pressed on rocked with him in reckless abandon.

-I love you. God, I love you- panted Jonathan between thrusts, eyes closed and forehead beaded with sweat. –Fuck the proofs, fuck the faith, fuck everything else.-

-Fuck me- exhaled Jervis, cheeks flushed and mouth agape. His body trembled more and more as he felt pleasure building up inside him, the pain in his twisted arm forgotten along with the weakness in his legs. On the table, the chemical glassware rattled dangerously, but he didn't care.

The only thing in his mind was the heat of the body above him, inside him, and the blood pooling in all the right places, and the noise of skin against skin, of the labored breath of his beloved in his ear, and how close he was now.

When a violent jolt of pleasure shot through him, his back tensed, and his mouth snapped open in a mute scream.

Jonathan felt that small body clenching around him, and rested his forehead on his lover's shoulder, before giving a final thrust and coming himself, reveling in the heat he was buried in.

It took a while for the aftershocks to subside, more or less when Jervis spoke hoarsely:

-Jonathan… I don't mean to spoil the fun, but my arm hurts like… a lot, you see, and if you'd be so kind...-

Jonathan straighten himself and let go of his partner's arm.

-I'm sorry.- He was sincere.

Jervis zipped up his pants and massaged the offended limb, smiling despite the soreness.

-Don't worry. I wouldn't blame you for being a little frisky. Besides, I think I deserved it.-

Long bony fingers traced the little man's cheek.

-Where would I be without you driving me nuts?-

Jervis took ahold of the fingers and kissed the tip of each one.

-Probably off scaring some poor soul out of his wits. And speaking of scares… You know, if you want… really this time… If you ever want to use your toxin on me… I'd be willing. Just so you know.-

Jonathan looked at him: there was no trace of the cunning manipulator Hatter proved himself to be.

-I'm serious this time- Jervis insisted. –I love you, and more importantly, I trust you with my life.-

Jonathan came closer and embraced him, pressing their bodies together.

-You don't have to prove me anything. I love you and trust you too. Everything else is irrelevant.-

Face resting comfortably in Jonathan's bony chest, Jervis murmured.

-Trusting someone is terrifying. When I think about it… when I really think about it, I get so scared.-

Muttering his response with a feeble whisper, Jonathan hoped not to be heard.

-Yeah… Me too.-