Title:: The Light of Fallen Stars

Author:: Aislin Ceivun

Fandom:: In the Flesh

Characters:: Simon Monroe/Kieren Walker | Jemima Walker & Kieren Walker | Amy Dyer & Kieren Walker

Word Count: 43k

Disclaimer:: I don't own anything, sadly.

Genre:: AU, Drama/Angst, Gen, Friendship, Romance

Warnings:: slash, corruption, religious content, depression, guilt, manipulation, violence, torture. (Gen fic in the sense that while the romance is present, it's not the focus of the story, much like in canon.)

Summary::

(ITF fallen angel AU.)

In 2009, a misterious sickness spread in Heaven, causing many angels to fall to Earth. Their bodies turned grey, their magic dissolved, their wings rotter and fell apart until nothing was left of them but useless, charred remains. After The Falling, some of them used what was left of their power to cast glamours on themselves. They are living among the mortals now, masquerading as humans. Others claim there is a greater purpose for them and are trying to find a way back into Heaven. Those untouched by The Falling do not consider the 'abominations' as their brethren anymore, believing that God cast them out of Heaven as punishment.

Kieren is a fallen guardian angel. In the past three years, he's been living with a human family, posing as the brother of the girl he was once watching over. One day however an old friend shows up, and with her comes everything he has avoided facing.

A/N: Written for the 2014/2015 In the Flesh Mini Bang.

I was lucky enough to be paired with the wonderful botstuff who, despite me rushing to meet the deadline, created truly stunning illustrations for the story. They are embedded in the AO3 version, but you can find them here:

botstuff~tumblr~com/tagged/the-light-of-fallen-stars (change every ~ to dots!)

One of the illustrations contain heavy spoilers so I advise you to either read the story on AO3 (link on my profile) or check them all out after you have finished the fic.

My undying gratitude goes to my awesome beta Soracia, plus D1 and Jane for putting up with me while writing this fanfiction. (In hindsight, writing longfic for a "mini" bang was not the best idea XD But I love how this story turned out to be, and I hope that you guys will enjoy reading it, too.)

Finally a small intro:

As the summary says, this is a fallen angel AU. The first half follows the events of canon closely, but will take a different turn later on. I played around with angel lore but based the celestial hierarchy on the version put together by Pseudo-Dionysius. Here's a quick list of classes for your convenience, from most to least significant:

First Sphere (heavenly counselors): Seraphim, Cherubim, Ophanim/Thrones

Second Sphere (heavenly governors): Dominions, Virtues, Powers

Third Sphere (heavenly messengers): Principalities, archangels, (common) angels

Thank you, and enjoy reading!

x | | | x

1.

Walking on Earth

.

"Kieren! As I live and breathe!"

At the sound of the voice he hasn't heard in three years, Kieren snaps his head up so fast his neck cracks. He stares at the rapidly approaching figure with his lips parting and eyes widening in shock.

It can't be… oh, but she is. She is!

Her smile is still just as radiant as the stars they used to admire together, her laugh carrying the warmth of sunlight he can no longer feel on his skin. For a second, Kieren is warm all over. He welcomes the feeling with a passion that is strange and new and familiar all at once.

"Amy!" he cries, dropping the brush and canvas from his lap so he can stagger to his feet. "Oh Heavens… Amy!"

"Come here, you doofus! Give me a hug!"

She throws her arms around Kieren as soon as she is close enough to do so and pulls him in a tight embrace. When Kieren squeezes back and buries his nose in her shoulders, she laughs again and plants a messy kiss onto his temple. Three years ago, this would have made Kieren roll his eyes and pull away. That's not the case anymore.

"I missed you so much," he mutters into her cool skin.

Amy stops laughing and her voice gentles. "Silly. I missed you just as much."

He can't believe she's here. Here! It's amazing and bewildering, but mostly Kieren's just happy that she found him. Although it was his choice to stay off the radar, he can't feel anything but happiness and gratitude for the chance to be with his best friend again.

They embrace for a long time, but eventually Kieren pulls away just enough to take in the sight of Amy.

She's wearing a nice, colourful dress that really suits her, but her skin is sickly pale. When Kieren looks up to her face, pearl-white eyes lock with his own brown ones.

"You aren't glamouring yourself," he observes needlessly.

"Nope – I'm going au naturale. This is my appearance now; has been for years. I'm not going to waste what little is left of my power to hide it." Her eyes narrow a fraction. "Unlike you."

Kieren doesn't bat an eyelid.

Amy does indeed appear like all the other Fallen in their natural state, yet Kieren studies her figure carefully, taking in all the damage his best friend has suffered. Besides the eerie white of her eyes and her pale complexion, there is a whole new map of blueish veins threading across what is visible of her chest, and the skin seems to be cracking in places. Her long brown hair has lost its shine and falls raggedly to her back. She is smiling, but the blue tint of her dry lips makes her appear creepy instead of warm and welcoming.

Kieren swallows around the hard lump in his throat and forces himself to not drop his gaze, no matter the strong wave of shame flooding his insides.

He is all too aware of the fact that he looks exactly the same under the protective layers of his glamour… but he hasn't met his true reflection in as many years as he's been on Earth. Watching Amy now feels like facing a mirror – and he doesn't like it. He doesn't like it at all.

Judging by the way Amy snickers, it's probably written all over his face.

"Why do you bother with the glamour, Kieren? I could understand if we were in the middle of a busy town… but here? There's not a soul around! Why waste your power, then?"

Kieren fixes his gaze on a nearby tree. "You wouldn't understand."

"Try me, handsome."

"It's… Amy, it's… this is my appearance now. It's all I'm ever using my leftover magic for. I'm… I'm Kieren Walker now. I live like this. I am like this."

He steals a glance at Amy. The smile is nowhere on her face.

"No, this is not who you are," she objects. Crossing her arms in front of her chest, she pins Kieren with a hard look. "You are an angel, Kieren. Have you forgotten that?"

He doesn't say anything.

After a few moments of staring contest, Amy sighs. "Have you been spending the last few years like this? Like all the cowards who decided to blend in with humans and forget about why we ended up like this? Not caring at all about how we could get home?"

"We can't get home."

"Of course we can get home! There is a way! We just–"

"Yeah? Are you sure about that?" Kieren cuts in. "I'd have thought that three years were more than enough to come up with a solution. If none of us could find anything, it's because there is nothing to find. We are stuck here. For good."

"You can't honestly believe that!"

Amy steps closer and puts her hands on either side of Kieren's shoulders, squeezing lightly. She doesn't seem upset anymore; she just looks sad. Kieren hates himself for making Amy sad five minutes into their reunion, but there's nothing he can do about it.

"Kieren, you can't give up. You can't lose your hope. We fell from grace for a reason… and when that reason is found and our purpose is fulfilled, we will be granted a way to return to Heaven. Trust me – we will ascend in a glory others can only dream of."

Kieren can't help it: he snorts. The crescents of his nails dig into his palm as he fists his hands.

"There was no great purpose behind the Falling," he says with conviction.

"We believe there is," Amy replies with just as much confidence.

"We?"

"Yes. We. The Ascendants." Amy lets go of Kieren, takes a step back, and raises her head with pride. "Not all of us are scattered around the world, you know. There is a network of Fallen Ones, and they spend all their time searching for lost comrades. Others, who still have more power, are trying to get intel on Heaven. And our leader… the Watcher… he knows exactly how we can return home."

"The Watcher?" Kieren repeats, the title unfamiliar on his tongue. "I've never heard of him."

"He can't reveal his identity to us, not yet." She lowers her voice but her excitement and admiration still shine through. "He's a Dominion, Kieren."

"What? No way! Only the Third Sphere was cast out of Heaven!"

"Yes! He is the only Second Sphere angel on Earth, and he comes here in secret. He puts himself in danger by spying on Heaven, and he's dedicating everything he has to help us all. He says that the occurrence of The Falling has been written in the stars; that we are destined to bring forth great changes both in Heaven and on Earth." She looks Kieren straight in the eye. "I have faith in him."

"I don't know, Amy."

It sounds too good to be true. Gathering the Fallen Ones together is nice – Kieren is sure that those who did not choose solitude like him are happy to not be lost and alone, to be with their comrades.

But The Falling, destined? No way. Bullshit.

There was no greater purpose behind it, no grand plan… Kieren knows this without a doubt. It was just the result of a foolish act, nothing more.

He sighs and sits back on the ground, not caring that the grass stains his jeans. His friend follows him without hesitation and hops down next to Kieren.

There is so much he wants to ask her. So many questions circling in his head… but when he opens his mouth, the words spill out of him immediately.

"How did you even end up with them?"

Amy perches herself on her knees and throws her head back so she's facing the sky. Sunlight falls over her cheeks, giving a healthy glow to her skin.

"I fell in Spain," Amy says after a while. "It took me a while to heal enough so I would be fit to travel and even more till I could get back to England. I was confused and afraid… I had no idea what was going on, Kieren. I lost my ward and had no way of communicating with higher ups. I even… I thought I was the only one. For a while, I did what you are doing now; I used glamour to blend in with humans. But one day, they found me."

Amy reaches down to touch a nearby daisy, playing with its petals absently.

"We're like a huge network. A family. We are much closer to each other than we were in Heaven. We are trying to find all the other Fallen so when the time comes for us to fulfil our purpose and return to Heaven, nobody will be left behind. I was sent here to Roarton because one of the Principalities sensed the presence of an angel here. I had no idea it was you until I spotted you."

Amy suddenly looks Kieren straight in the eye, and her expression is stricken – full of regret.

"If I had known you were here, I'd have come much, much sooner," she says quietly. "In hindsight, it was stupid of me. I mean, I knew your ward was here, but we all fell so randomly, it didn't occur to me that you might have ended up here. And you have to know, Kieren… not all of us survived The Falling. Some of us died right away. Others succumbed to their injuries days later. I feared… I feared that you also…"

Her voice breaks. She can't bring herself to finish, but Kieren understands. He takes Amy's hands in his own and strokes her fingers, wishing he could give her some warmth.

"I'm okay," he says. "I'm okay now."

"I saw so many of them, Kieren." Amy's voice trembles. "I got used to the way we look like now… our eyes and complexion… but the wings! Holy spirits, I am tormented by the sight of them. Some have damaged their wings so severely they died from it. Others have lost so much they can't even gather enough power to put on the smallest of glamours. It's terrible. I was so afraid you fell alone and died in a ditch with nobody around to help you…"

Kieren gulps hard but the burning sense of shame doesn't leave him. He recalls thinking that this is exactly what he would have deserved – dying alone from the injuries he'd suffered from his foolishness.

But he didn't. He survived.

"It was bad, at first," he confesses after a while. "Almost nothing is left of my wings. I spent a week in a cave, gathering my strength. Then…"

"Then what?"

"I went to the only person I trusted with all my heart."

Understanding dawns on Amy's face. "Your ward, eh? She lives here."

"Yes. I told Jem what happened and she said I should stay with her. With them. I mean–"

"You charmed her folks to make them think you're one of them," Amy cuts in. "So that's what you meant when you said you are Kieren Walker. You're posing as her, what, her big brother?"

Kieren allows himself a small smile. "Something like that."

It doesn't even feel strange. Kieren has been a guardian angel all his existence, and in the three centuries since his last regeneration cycle, he has never been assigned a human he felt closer to. He's shared a special connection with the girl from the moment he first laid eyes on her in her nursery, and the feeling has only grown with time. He revealed himself to Jemima Walker when she was six years old, and she never made him regret his decision. They were as close as true siblings.

Even after The Falling, when Kieren stumbled into her room like a shadow of himself… ghastly and pale and white-eyed, with only useless, burnt chunks of his once beautiful wings… Jem wasn't scared of him. She let him stay.

She was the only reason Kieren found it in himself to keep on existing.

"Well, I'm happy you're safe and doing good. Still, I'd like you to join us. You don't have to deal with everything all alone, you know."

"I don't know, Amy." Kieren shifts uncomfortably, but the other angel suddenly shakes her head, sending brown hair tufts flying everywhere.

"Perhaps I'm not doing justice to the Ascendants. I'm a crappy motivational speaker. You know what, sweetcheeks? I'm going to introduce you to someone."

"Who? I thought you were alone."

"Nope." A dreamy smile blossoms on Amy's face. "I was sent here with a Principality. He's amazing – I bet he'll sway you. He knows how to talk to people."

Kieren isn't so sure about that, but he nods anyway.

With all the warmth of a beautiful springtime day, Amy gestures toward the half-finished painting lying on the grass.

"Nice painting, by the way. I've always wanted to see you doing art stuff. Rick once mentioned you re-organising a bunch of flowers on a meadow because you didn't like how they looked. I thought he was exaggerating but–"

She cuts off, realising her mistake the moment Kieren goes stiff next to her.

"Oh. Oh, I'm… I'm sorry, Kieren, I didn't mean to–"

"I know," he cuts in, not wanting to hear more. "Don't worry about it."

Don't speak about him, is what he means.

He's extremely grateful for Amy to pick up on it.

She lets the subject go and flashes another – if a bit hesitant – smile at him. Then, she gets up from the ground and smoothes her skirt.

"Okay, big boy. I'm leaving you to your painting now, but I'll be in touch soon, alright? I really did miss you something awful."

As soon as Kieren stands up, she pulls him into another tight embrace and Kieren returns it with just as much affection, breathing in the cool, earthy scent of his friend. Amy once smelled like flowers and honey, but it is gone now. Still, the scent makes Kieren feel safe and loved. For the first time in years, he feels like he's home.

"Hey, do you have one of those, you know. Mobile phones?" Amy asks after a while. When he shakes his head, she pouts and pulls at Kieren's cheeks playfully. "Pity. Well, nevermind then. I'll find you."

Kieren stays still where he is and doesn't sit back until Amy disappears from sight.

He pulls the canvas back into his lap and lifts his brush, but he can't seem concentrate on the painting anymore. Even though he's staring at the beautiful scenery, he sees nothing in front of himself but Amy's face – so different than the last time he'd seen her and yet still so familiar. He'd started to lose hope of ever seeing any of his kin again.

But then again, it was Kieren who chose to stay hidden in Roarton. He's fairly sure that he is the only Fallen here, although keeping his glamour on nonstop uses up all his power so he can't really sense the presence of other celestials. Of course, he could have always left Roarton to try to find others… but he never did.

Most of the time he tells himself it's because he didn't want to leave his ward alone. He was lucky enough to fall where Jem lived, and he wasn't going to leave her alone. He wants to stay close so he can watch over her – even if he isn't capable of anything more than a common mortal.

But sometimes… sometimes the truth cracks something open in him, no matter how hard he tries to shove it into the depth of his consciousness.

He loves Jem, yes, and wants to protect her… but that's not the only reason he chose to stay away. He did that because he couldn't bring himself to face the Fallen Ones. Not after what he had done.

A distinctive chirping sound tears Kieren out of his dark thoughts.

He looks up and a small smile pulls up the corners of his mouth when a small brown bird descends from the sky and flies to him, settling on his knee while flapping loudly with its wings. It holds a fat worm in its beak, but it's gone in a second and then the bird chirps once more.

Kieren brushes his fingers over the head of the lark. "Hello. I haven't seen you in a long time."

Animals are much more sensitive to the supernatural than humans, and birds are particularly drawn to angels; it's not uncommon for them to join angels in their flight even when the celestials are invisible to the eyes of every mortal creature. Kieren has no idea if they can spot the difference between normal angels and those who are disfigured from The Falling, but this little skylark has been following him around ever since he first crashed on Earth.

Not that he minds it. It's nice to have the company, even if the sight of those beautiful, healthy wings makes his heart ache.

"I met another angel today," he tells the bird quietly. "She's my best friend and I haven't seen her in years. I'm really happy to know that she's alright and close. But… I'm feeling uneasy. Why do you think that is?"

The skylark chirps and pokes Kieren's hand with its beak.

"Maybe I'm just not used to being around angels anymore," he muses. "Maybe I've gotten too good at pretending to be human."

Of course, the lark can't offer any opinion on it.

Minutes pass until the bird apparently grows bored with Kieren. With a flap of wings, it's gone.

Kieren looks after it longingly, and he can feel the chunks of his wings attempting to move under his glamour. Every stirring of the charred remains causes him dull pain, but he can't help the instinct to mimic the movements. Oh, how he wishes he could join the bird and fly in the sky once again!

But he's stuck on Earth – like every angel from the Third Sphere. And Kieren has no one to blame but himself.

He lifts the brush once again, presses it into the green paint and touches it to the canvas… but his inspiration to create something beautiful is all but gone. The so far vivid greens and blues of the landscape turn darker and darker on the canvas until it resembles a scene from dusk.

And the painted sky is dotted with freely soaring birds.

x x x

Jem doesn't seem surprised when Kieren tells her about the arrival of the new angels. If anything, she nods like she was expecting to hear this.

Before Kieren could ask about it, the girl holds up her hand. "I think I met other angels today while coming home."

"You what?"

"I'm not sure about it. I mean, I couldn't see them. But after hanging out with you for so long I kinda recognise the strange… aura or whatever it is that you guys have. I saw nobody on that street, but I got the same feeling I always get when you're around. Except that it was much stronger, like there were more of them. My skin prickled, and the air smelled… cool and…" She struggles for words. "Look, I can't describe it. But I know what I felt. I wanted to tell you anyway, but now that you're saying you've met them too–"

"Wait, wait, wait. You think there were more?"

"Yeah, definitely. It was really strong. At least three or four, I'd say."

"Amy said she was with a Principality, but she didn't mention others.

Jem pushes her fringe away from her face and looks up at Kieren. She strives to appear nonchalant, Kieren however can see that the girl is just as concerned about this turn of events as he is. Neither of them had expected other Fallen Ones to turn up in the quiet town of Roarton.

"Maybe their whatever group sent more people after them. What's a Principality doing here, anyway? I thought the Second Sphere bosses were busy sitting on their arses in Heaven."

"Those are the Dominions. The Principalities are the Third Sphere 'bosses' as you say," Kieren says with the tiniest of smiles. "You're confusing them again."

Jem throws a pillow at Kieren.

"It's not my fault you have so many types! I've always thought it was just, y'know, angels. Nobody told me you had nine friggin levels! That shit is confusing."

Kieren is startled to find himself laughing. He throws the pillow back at Jem and clicks his tongue. "Watch your mouth."

"My mouth is fine, thank you."

"Would Sue agree with you?"

Jem stares daggers at him, but she's fighting a smile. "That's low, even for you, Kier. And I heard you swearing last week when you knocked over your paint and it spilled all over the carpet, so don't you act all holy on me!"

They end up pillow fighting. It's a fun game that Kieren has come to love, and it takes his mind off of his worries for a while.

Unfortunately, it doesn't last long.

"Hey, Kier," Jem starts later, after she has finally caught her breath. They are lying next to each other on the bed, her legs thrown over his thighs.

"Hm?"

"Do you think your angel buddies have anything to do with the deaths?"

"The what?"

"Haven't you been watching the news?" At Kieren's look, she sighs. "I swear you're such a technophobe… Anyway, I heard that lately there has been a worrying increase of people dying in their sleep. Not just old grannies and grandpas, but young kids, teenagers, adults… perfectly healthy people. Doctors are starting to research it because they think it might be an unknown virus or something." She holds her breath for a second. "I'm not sure I'd have paid attention it usually, but… didn't you mention that the only way you could replenish your power would be by…"

"…feeding on humans," Kieren finishes slowly. He feels numb.

Yes, he did mention it to Jem. Years ago, when she took him in after The Falling. She asked if there was anything to help Kieren get better, and he told her: he told Jem that angels are capable of feeding on human's spirit. He also said that he would not do this to her even if his life depended on it.

All celestial beings collect the heavenly power with their wings – hence why the highest classes of angels who possess more than one pair of wings, like Cherubs and Seraphim, are the most powerful. Since the Fallen Ones damaged their wings so bad they have lost their connection to Heaven and thus the power source, they are all out of natural magic. The more damage their wings took, the weaker they are now.

Feeding on human's dreams, nightmares or in the worst case, their life force… that could replenish their power.

That is considered a terrible sin, however. Angels are made to protect humans, never to harm them. And although taking dreams is bad enough, if the angel doesn't stop in time and takes too much, a terrible greed can awake in them, prompting them to take the core of the human's soul too – their life force. It is said to be like a huge blast of raw power that can make an angel's heart turn as dark as a demon's.

They have already fallen to Earth. Feeding on humans this way could easily make them fall straight to Hell.

Are they really doing it? Fallen angels are going rogue and feeding on humans like, like demons?! Kieren shudders from the thought. And what if Amy got involved with these kind of people? Surely she wouldn't…?

"Kier?"

Shit. His mortification be showing on his face because Jem looks at him with fear and worry in her eyes.

Kieren forces the shadows away from his gaze. "Don't worry. I'll ask Amy about it when she comes back. But one thing is sure: I won't let anything bad happen to you… or anyone else in Roarton. Okay?"

Jem sucks in her lower lip but nods. "Okay."

They both know it's a weak promise. But it gives them some semblance of peace nonetheless.

x x x

Even hours later, when they dine with the Walker parents, Kieren can't stop thinking about what he's learnt today from Amy and Jem.

The sudden appearance of his Fallen comrades is more than a little worrying. Kieren has been out of touch with them for so long that he has no idea on what the situation is with their kin in Heaven. He imagines that it must be chaos, or at least something resembling that. There are no Thirds left in Heaven after all.

The Third Sphere angels – guardians, archangels and Principalities – are the order whose sole purpose is to care for humanity. While guardians are tasked with one ward, archangels concern themselves with people equally, and are responsible for prayers. The Principalities are educators and protectors of the realm of Earth, and they oversee the lower class angels while carrying out the orders of the Dominions. They are also responsible for occasionally raising pure human souls into celestial classes by releasing them into the Fountain of Grace after their death. The human souls are thus reborn as common guardian angels.

Now that all Thirds are on Earth, cut off from Heaven and almost completely powerless, there are no celestials left to deal with humans. People who should be protected by guardians are left to their Fate alone; prayers don't reach the upper planes because there are no messengers left; Principalities can't raise souls or bequeath their blessing on Earth.

Kieren has no illusions that the Seconds and Firsts are not concerning themselves with humanity. They have their own tasks, as they always say. The Second Sphere consists of heavenly governors, and just like the governors of Earth, they aren't exactly happy to leave their realm to go deal with the mortals personally. The Powers are warriors of God, who don't do much during peaceful times anyway. Virtues supervise heavenly bodies and ensure that the cosmos remains in order – Kieren thinks they must have been consulting with each other non-stop since The Falling. The Dominions are the highest class of this Sphere: they regulate the duties of all lower beings while acting as a bridge to the highest order. Only they can approach the First Sphere.

The Firsts however… yeah, they're something Kieren has never even seen with his own eyes. They never leave their own realm and are the only ones who can be in the presence of the Lord. Thrones are the living symbols of God's justice and authority; Cherubim guard the tree of life and God's throne, while the Seraphim… well, they are practically classless. They are the closest beings to the Lord and as far as Kieren knows, not one of them have left God's side since the beginning of time.

Kieren honestly has no idea why none of the Firsts have made an appearance after The Falling. He can understand them being locked away in their holy realm, but surely the falling of an entire Sphere would have deserved to be classified as 'important', right?

But even Thrones, who are supposed to stand for justice, have not made an appearance. Which is rather strange because he knows that a Throne came to take Bill away after…

He stops himself short. Breathes in. Out.

Yeah, he's not going to think about that.

Sometimes, Kieren wonders if he would have been better off never being raised into the ranks of celestials. He doesn't find himself being exceptionally pure or worthy, and he doesn't think his short human life could have accounted to much.

He knows that he was a mortal human, once, who knows how long ago… just like everyone in the Third Sphere. God raised souls to be the very first Principalities, and then those newborn celestials were tasked with raising others.

Thirds are not eternal beings like the others. They have to enter the Fountain of Grace in every five hundred years to renew their spirit. After a few years of swirling around in the Fountain, they incarnate again and the cycle beings anew.

Kieren has no idea how long he's been in Heaven's service, just like he has no idea of what kind of mortal life he lived. But if he's been anything like he is now, he shouldn't have deserved ascending to a celestial class.

He's not pure. His horrible mistake from three years before proves that without a doubt.

He made a mess. A terrible, terrible mess for which it looks like humanity and the rest of the Thirds will be paying for.

If the Seconds and Firsts don't care about them, what will happen? Will Heaven just collapse?

He must ask Amy about his. She said that their leader is a Dominion. Kieren is wary of him, but there is also hope blossoming in his chest. If there is someone from the Second Sphere who cares about them and wants to reverse what happened… than not everything is lost. Maybe they can still fix this.

But… but what if this Dominion is the one who encourages the Fallen Ones to feed on humans in order to replenish their power…?

"Is everything alright, Kieren? You're awfully quiet."

Sue's concerned voice shatters his thoughts.

Kieren blinks rapidly, then forces himself to not tense up as he looks up at the woman. He opens his mouth, but Steve points his fork at him and speaks before he could get anything out.

"He looks pale, too. Ain't he look pale?" he says, turning to his wife.

"I'm fine," Kieren insists, though he feels anything but. "I'm just a bit tired."

"Oh. Well, make sure you go to sleep after dinner, love."

On usual days, Sue's gentle smile is enough to make Kieren feel at least a little bit of warmth. Today is not one of those days. He hates himself enough anyway, but having the Walker parents worried for him is just… too much. They are such nice people. They are fond of him - and that's the worst thing ever because Kieren knows it's just his magic. He had to manipulate their memories so he could stay here with Jem. But he has no right to enjoy their affection, their love.

He just wants to go away and crawl in somewhere where nobody would find him.

When he notices that he's rubbing at his wrists absently, he drops his hands as if they has got burnt, and hastily scrambles to his feet.

"Actually, I think I'm heading to bed right now," he says quickly. He can feel Jem's gaze boring into him so he does his best to avoid eye contact with her. "Thank you for dinner. Good night."

He hurries away, but still catches Sue calling after him. "Sleep well, Kieren."

If only.

Once inside his room, he closes the door and turns the key. Then, he staggers to his bed and slumps down onto it, but not before catching sight of himself in the mirror above his desk.

Mirrors always make him flinch. Maybe because he hasn't seen his true face in as long as he has been living with the Walkers.

He wanted to drop his glamour several times. He can recall standing in front of the mirror many, many times, taking deep breaths and counting back to letting his true face out… but he could never bring himself to do it.

Chewing on his lower lip, Kieren pushes himself up from the bed and sits down at the table, facing the mirror.

He studies his reflection. Disguised with his magic, he looks the same as he did in Heaven… save for the human clothing and the fact that he never appears as healthy as a real human. His brown eyes are a bit too dark, his hair dull and matte, his skin a tad bit paler than normal. But he definitely looks like a breathing, living human.

Not like a reanimated corpse.

Amy's face suddenly flashes before his eyes, quickly followed by the disgusting sight of his own greyish hands that he studied so often while healing in the caves. Shuddering, Kieren drops his head and squeezes his eyes shut, but he feels cold all over, his throat tight and burning from the inside.

He shouldn't be scared of looking at his true reflection. He's seen Amy, and his stomach didn't turn on itself back then. He was happy to see her, no matter the state she was in – so he should be okay with this, too.

Taking a deep breath, Kieren closes his eyes and lets the glamour drop.

Even the air feels different on his cool skin. He turns himself invisible immediately to not risk any member of the Walker family walking in on him like this while he's… he's…

While I'm not hiding my true appearance.

Kieren is well aware of how he looks. Even without laying his eyes on the mirror, he knows that his skin is grey, streamed with blue veins. His eyes are huge and white, and just as creepy as all the monsters from the stupid horror films Jem has showed him. His lips are cracked and tinted with blue, and his back… on his back, only half an arm of his once glorious wings is left. The stumps looks horrible, like they rotted and got burnt… What's left of the feathers are scorched black, but mostly it's just two deformed chunks that shoot pain into his shoulder blades every time he tries to move them.

And on his wrists, there are those horrible black scars.

Kieren feels sick just from thinking about them. Even when he's wearing the glamour, he often finds himself rubbing at the inner side of his wrists. He recoils every time he catches himself doing it.

He fists his hands now, and can't bring himself to lift his head and look into the mirror. Just like he can't bring himself to open his eyes and stare down at his wrists.

Shit, he curses in frustration. I still can't do it. All this time and I can't meet my own eyes. Pathetic.

In the end, he gives up. Like always. Another day goes by without him being able to face his reflection. He thought that seeing Amy might have been enough to help him overcome his shame and guilt… but no.

If anything, he just feels worse than ever.

Kieren goes back to the bed and lies down on his stomach, burying his face in a pillow. He puts the glamour back. It's like wrapping a protecting shield around his body, but he feels dirty and worthless.

God knows how much time later, he hears knocking at the door. He doesn't answer.

A sigh comes from behind. "Good night, Kier."

Kieren waits until he doesn't hear the footsteps anymore, then shifts to pull the blankets up around himself. As an angel he doesn't sleep, but he likes to try tricking himself into peace by pretending he does.

"Good night, Jem," he whispers to the dark.

It's a long night. But Kieren is used to it.

x x x

Three days later, he still hasn't heard from Amy again. He's starting to think that his friend went back to wherever she came from without saying goodbye, but part of him hopes that it's not the case. As much as he wants to avoid bringing trouble into Roarton and facing things he's been doing his best to avoid, he really wants to be close to Amy again.

Today he's walking around aimlessly, and somehow ends up in the graveyard. He doesn't like being near the dead, but the place is quiet and there's not a soul in sight. What's more, he spots several beautiful birds on a nearby tree, some of them making all sorts of noises on the ground next to their nests. His own skylark is among them, too – hunting, probably.

Watching the little winged creatures go on with their business is as entertaining as anything else. Kieren sits down on the grass, pulls up his legs and relaxes.

Well, for half an hour, maybe.

Then, he hears approaching footsteps. He looks up to see a tall, dark-haired man crossing the graveyard. As he passes by the nests, the birds start chirping loudly and fly up into the air, their wings flapping wildly as they sense danger. Kieren frowns, but a small smirk appears on his face when his skylark snaps the stranger in the head with one of its wings.

Not wanting the man to cause more distress to the peaceful animals, Kieren scrambles to his feet and heads toward him, pushing his hands into the pockets of his jacket.

"Excuse me," he calls after him. "You're, er, scaring my bird."

The man looks up… and Kieren stops dead in his tracks.

The stranger is an angel like him.

White eyes look Kieren over fleetingly before turning back to the lark which is still flapping wildly around his head, trying to scare him away. It's probably worried for its nest.

Kieren's focus however is not on the bird, but on the man.

"This yours?" He's got a deep voice. It raises goose bumps on Kieren's skin.

I'm wearing my glamour, he thinks. I should turn around and go away… but he's already seen me, and this up close, he can probably tell I'm no human. But is he the one with Amy, or one of the others Jem sensed before?

Before he could decide what to do, the stranger steps in front of him.

"I didn't realise you were one of us. With all the…"

As he gestures toward his face, Kieren's expression closes off.

He studies the other angel. He has never seen him in Heaven, although that's not really surprising considering the overwhelming number of celestial beings. He appears older than Kieren, and wears a huge, unfitting jacket over a jumper. He's got jet black hair, a thin mouth and a deep gaze that seems to bore straight into him. Kieren wants to shift uncomfortably, but forces himself to stay still and not be intimidated by the angel's piercing gaze.

The lark chooses this moment to finally leave the man alone. As if it's just noticed Kieren, it hurries to him and perches itself on his shoulder. Kieren reaches up absent-mindedly to brush his fingers over the bird's soft body.

"What are you doing here?" he asks in the end. "For the past few years, Roarton has been free of fallen angels. I don't want that to change."

A dark eyebrow shots up. "Free? Aren't you here yourself?"

"Yeah, I don't count like that."

"Because of your glamour, I take it." It doesn't sound like a question. "You don't consider yourself an angel anymore?"

The question eerily reminds Kieren of his conversation with Amy. He can't find it in himself to deny that he's been living as a human, practically hiding away from his brethren, but he doesn't want to confirm it either.

In the end, he doesn't have to.

"Oh, great! You guys have met."

The sound of Amy's voice makes Kieren relax and tense up in equal measures. At any other time he would be glad to pull her into a hug and ask her about where she's been these past few days… but with the other angel around, he can't.

Said angel shoots a strange look at Kieren. "Not formally."

"Kieren, this is Simon," Amy says, hooking onto the man's arm. "Kieren is the one I was telling you about."

Kieren perks up at the information. Amy was talking about me? What did she tell him? He doesn't have the chance to pose the question however because Amy turns back and flashes him a smile as brilliant as ever.

"Simon is one of the Principalities of the Watcher." Her voice is thick with pride and affection.

"Is that so." Kieren turns to Simon. "Where's your sceptre?"

Simon's face darkens but his voice remain even as he answers, "I lost it. I have lost a lot during The Falling, actually."

Kieren can't help it; guilt crawls into his chest. The Principalities are supposed to be the highest ranking beings of the Third Sphere, yet he can't pick up on any power whatsoever coming off of the man. Years ago, back in Heaven, he always got that strange feeling in his body whenever he was around Principalities or the occasional Powers checking on them. He knew it instantly that he was in the presence of greater beings. Not anymore.

He wonders what happened to this Principality… and then berates himself for caring.

Thankfully, Simon doesn't want to dwell more on the subject, either.

"Amy tells me she informed you about our group."

"Ah. Right."

His face must be giving his thoughts away because Simon frowns. "You don't agree with the concept?"

"I think it's great that you guys are travelling around, searching for fallen angels. Nobody should be alone unless they chose it for themselves." He makes a point of stressing that last part. "But I've also heard some… disturbing stuff."

"Really? Like what?"

"Fallen angels feasting on the dreams and life force of humans to replenish their power. So they can get strong enough to return to Heaven."

"That wasn't us, handsome," Amy cuts in. She genuinely looks disturbed by the idea.

"Why would anyone else commit this kind of atrocity? You're the ones who want to return to Heaven that bad."

"Don't you think we deserve that?" Simon asks then, tilting his head to the side. "Don't you think we deserve to go home?"

"Well, yeah, but not by-"

"We aren't harming mortals. I swear on that," Simon cuts in. "It's true that the Watcher advised us to take the dreams of humans, but only nightmares. Humans feel better if we take them anyway, and we also get a bit more power. There are many of us whose wings are so damaged they have zero magic left. It's a win-win situation."

There is nothing but deep conviction in Simon's eyes, yet Kieren feels bad about it.

Simon can obviously read this in his expression. He sighs.

"We forbid everyone from taking anything else but nightmares, and only small quantities of those. We are no demons, no matter what the higher classes are saying about us. We want nothing but justice, and a way to go home. Surely, you can understand that."

Yes. He does. But it still doesn't sit right with him.

"The Second Sphere believes that we have been cast out of Heaven because we have become corrupt," Simon continues grimly. "They call us tainted, burnt, rotten… They think we are abominations. Ever since The Falling, Powers and Virtues have been coming after us, threatening to kill everyone who doesn't give up the desire to reclaim Heaven. They have killed hundreds of us, Kieren. And not by giving us back to the Fountain, either. Permanently."

"Yeah, I don't agree with that either."

"The Seconds want us to stay hidden on Earth… or die, they don't care. Our sources say they are planning on creating a whole new Sphere of low-class angels they will have better control over. Who are the corrupt, then? Is it really us?"

Kieren can't talk. Words are sitting on his tongue, but they are shapeless and sour. He can't bring himself to let any of them out.

"The Falling happened for a reason." The way Simon locks eyes with Kieren, he thinks the Earth could move around the pair of them and he wouldn't notice any of it. He is riveted to the ground… anchored by the deep conviction of the Principality's voice. "Maybe it was God who commanded it, but not for the reason the Seconds believe. We are to learn a lesson here, Kieren, and we are to reshape Heaven, bearing that lesson in mind. We are to make Heaven – and by extension, Earth – a better place for all living creatures."

"We just want to go home," Amy repeats softly. "And to make sure that Heaven is as just as it should be."

Kieren shifts, staring in front of himself but not really seeing anything. He doesn't even notice that the lark has left his shoulder until he suddenly spots it sitting peacefully on a nearby tree. The wind carries a sweet fragrance and the sun is shining golden, yet chills are running through him.

There is so much in those words he would like to believe in. Sentiments he wants to agree with.

But they don't know the whole truth.

Only Kieren does. And for that reason, he can't believe that there really is a greater purpose to their fate. Even if the Seconds are really corrupt… even if the Firsts really don't care about anything that happens beneath them…

How could his damned mistake have been God's will? It's ridiculous.

Despite this, all he says after long moments of silence is, "I will think about it."

Amy gives him a soft smile and pulls him into a tight embrace. He hugs back and buries his nose into the cold skin of her shoulders. He doesn't close his eyes, however, so glancing down he can see the burnt stumps of Amy's wings. She's still got half of them intact, but they look truly horrendous – there are points where the bones are sticking out of the chunks.

Kieren feels sick. He squeezes his eyes shut and hugs Amy even tighter.

If he feels Simon's thoughtful gaze resting on his face, he later convinces himself that it was just his imagination.

x x x

Antarctica is freezing cold. Even as a celestial being, Kieren can feel the chill seep into his currently materialised body, pulling his chest tight. His throat burns from the cold with every breath he takes, and the tips of his fingers are turning a bluish colour. There is nothing but profound silence around him, his reflection gleaming on the ice-covered walls as he walks deeper and deeper into the caves. His huge white wings are twitching nervously behind his back.

Yet he doesn't stop until reaching his destination: the lake that lies like a glittering pool in the middle of a frozen chamber. Despite the cold, the water appears warm enough to steam.

On the other side of the lake sits a demon. He is wearing a long black cloak, the hood of which covers most of his face. Only the whites of his eyes are visible as he looks up and squints at Kieren. A thick book lies in his lap.

"Oh. A cute little guardian angel!" he leers, his voice colder than ice itself. "That's new."

"Save the talk," Kieren cuts in, mustering up everything he has to appear as sure of himself as he needs to be. "You know why I'm here, don't you? I was told that you know everything."

The demon chuckles. "Indeed I do. Dantalion knows the thoughts of all and gives his counsel freely. I know what you seek, Kieren."

Kieren feels terrible for letting the demon snatch his name from his mind. He knows he should turn back and forget about this… but he can't. He really can't. And he doesn't have much time to be hesitating now.

"Now, now. You have come this far – you won't turn back right before reaching your goal, will you?"

"Look. Can you save him or not?"

"I can't." Dantalion tilts his head at the sight, watching Kieren with ice-cold eyes. "But with my help, you can."

Holding his breath, Kieren studies the demon for a while. It's never a good idea, dealing with creatures of the Underworld… but Dantalion is not like other demons. He doesn't concern himself with the fight between their species. He's up to no good, that's for sure, but if he can help Kieren save the person he cares about the most…

"Alright," he says, locking eyes with the demon. "Tell me what I have to do."

Dantalion laughs. His voice shifts until it doesn't sound like male anymore. It's the giddy laugh of a woman – high-pitched and sharp like shards of glass.

"Fly to me, child," the demon says, the voice slowly settling back to deep regions. "Come, and I will give you what you want."

Kieren spreads his wings as wide as they go and shoots up, crossing over the lake in a couple of seconds. The air rustles around them as he lands right in front of the demon, but neither of them care.

"Give me your hands," Dantalion commands, putting the book away from his lap.

Kieren doesn't move. "What will you do?"

"I thought you were almost out of time."

"What will you do?!" Kieren hisses, losing his patience. As desperate as he is, he simply can't go forward with this until he knows what to expect.

Dantalion's eyes narrow to small slits, and it's obvious that he is displeased.

"Your friend was cast out of Heaven and died as a mortal. As a former guardian angel, he doesn't have a soul and thus cannot enter the Paradise of Humans. But you don't want him to cease to exist, hence you seeking out my help." He slowly blinks at Kieren. "I tell you what. You need to snatch up the remnants of his spirit before it dissolves completely, and then pour it into the Fountain of Grace. His cycle will begin anew. Now give me your damned hands or you can go back crying to your Holy Father."

Kieren presses his lips together but gives his hands to Dantalion. The demon's touch is like lightning – chilling and burning hot all at once. His fingers are long and dark grey, with hooked black claws instead of nails.

Before Kieren could realise what is happening, those claws tear into the soft insides of his wrist and make a deep cut in his flesh.

Kieren cries out and tries to pull away, but Dantalion holds him tight. The angel's wings flare up, flapping wild and desperate. "What are you doing?!"

"Now, now. Bear with a little pain, would you." He can see the glimpse of a grin under the shadows covering the demon's face. "It will all be worth it."

Kieren grits his teeth together and doesn't make a sound when Dantalion roughly claws open his other wrist too. No blood flows out, naturally, but the pain is just as real. Kieren shakes from it.

Finally, the demon lets him go and ushers him toward the lake. "Dip your arms in the water."

Swallowing hard, Kieren turns around and walks to the lake, kneeling down onto the white icy floor. As soon as his wrists are in the water, searing white-hot pain courses through him and he is unable to hold back a whimper. He can hear Dantalion snickering behind him before starting to chant something.

Kieren stares at the deep cuts on his wrists. They darken, the rough edges turning black as they start to suck something inside. The water is surprisingly hot; the steam makes Kieren's face shine, but what he can't take his eyes off of is the glittering, shimmering clouds that suddenly appear in the water and start seeping into his wounds.

"What's happening? Something's getting inside me."

Dantalion only answers him moments later, after he has finished chanting.

"Yes. You need that inside. That's what you will need to release into that Fountain of yours."

"Is that…" Kieren gulps, starring at the greyish, sparkling clouds that are disappearing in his flesh. "Is that… Rick's spirit?"

"Sure, honey." The demon now has the voice of an old woman. Kieren imagines he must also have the face of one. "As I was saying…"

Kieren waits until there is no more cloud in the water, until the lake is once again still and crystal clear. Then, he pulls his arms out. The skin is red as if he'd burnt it, but the deep horizontal cuts - now closed tightly - are still ugly black and swollen.

He has done it. He has Rick's spirit. If he goes through with this, he can save his friend from disappearing without trace for the rest of eternity. He… he owes him this much.

"How do I release him into the Fountain?" he asks.

Upon finishing their current cycles, guardian angels are always released into the Fountain by higher celestials, usually Principalities. Is Kieren even capable of doing it? And how will he get close enough to the Fountain without anyone noticing him?

"Trust me, you will be able to do it if you concentrate enough. Just make sure to do it as soon as you can. You won't be able to hold back for long, and once it's gone, it's gone forever. So you need to release it. It needs to be in Heaven. Do you understand, child?" Dantalion laughs. "Bring it to Heaven."

Kieren nods. He doesn't even contemplate thanking the demon for his help - he is ready to fly off without a further word. But Dantalion makes a grab for him and pulls him back by his left arm.

"Not so fast," he hisses with a deep, masculine grumble. "You haven't paid me, little angel."

"I have nothing to pay you with."

"Oh, I wouldn't say so." The demon raises Kieren's left wrist to his mouth. "I wouldn't say so."

Then, he presses his lips to the wound and starts sucking on it. His sharp teeth dip into his flesh, and Kieren screams because it feels awful and frightening. Something is pulled out of him… something bright and warm and beautiful, and it feels like that part of him will never come back. This is not a physical pain, but it's worse than anything he has ever experienced.

The bright glow he had always felt in his chest is getting smaller and smaller. When Dantalion finally releases him with a disgusting pop and obscenely licks his mouth, Kieren feels weaker than ever.

"Ah, so delicious. Easily the best meal I have had in centuries."

Kieren shudders as he cradles his aching wrist to his chest. It's the voice of a child.

"Off with you now. Don't worry, you'll replenish your power soon enough." The demon lets out a giddy giggle that raises the hair on Kieren's arms. "I think."

Kieren leaves the caves and Antarctica as fast as he can, but he can barely keep himself flying. He is exhausted, and his wings are flapping uselessly all over the place. In the end, he has to take a break before even thinking about flying back to Heaven.

He slumps to the ground and buries his head between his pulled-up knees, wrapping his wings around himself. Although the forest is bright green and sunlit, he is still chilled to the bones.

But he has done it. He's got Rick safe. He can save him… and with that, maybe he can finally begin to forgive himself.

He looks down at the blackened cuts on his wrists. Thinks about how he now has Rick's spirit inside his body.

"I will save you," he whispers under his breath.

He will go back to Heaven as soon as he catches his breath, and will sneak around until he can get to the Fountain of Grace. He will release the spirit and Rick will enter a new cycle, and in a few years, he will be an angel again.

And then it will be okay. Everything will be okay.