This is like the second-dirtiest fic I've ever written, and it's still hella tame. Doesn't make me feel any less awkward, though.

"Hey, babe, I think I dropped a cufflink backstage," Blaine whispered, making Kurt start in his seat and nearly clip Blaine in the chin. "Can you come help me look for it? I don't wanna look sloppy when we win."

Kurt just nodded, taking Blaine's hand and following him out the back of the darkened auditorium quietly, not wanting to disturb the other audience members at Sectionals. They managed to get all the way down the hall and past the stage door before Kurt had a realization.

"Wait," Kurt said, pulling on Blaine's arm to stop him. "Your shirt has buttons on its cuffs, doesn't it?" He lifted their entwined hands to check, squinting in the low light of the wings.

"I may have just said that as an excuse," Blaine said, taking a step closer to Kurt.

"For what?" Kurt asked coyly, thinking he might have a pretty good idea already. He lowered their hands in time for Blaine to lean in even closer.

"For getting my incredibly hot husband away from our kids in the hopes that he might need a little tension relief," Blaine said, breath hot against Kurt's ear.

"And just what did you have in mind?" Kurt murmured back, wrapping his arms around Blaine's shoulders.

"Well, it involved an empty green room, my mouth, and your dick," Blaine said, making Kurt shudder.

"God, Blaine," Kurt said, hoping his whine sounded more contained than it felt.

Blaine just pulled away, taking Kurt's hand and turning determinedly for the green rooms. Unfortunately, he knocked Kurt off-balance when he moved, making Kurt stumble and trip into the quick-change area. There was a flash of yellow as Kurt flailed and grabbed at the curtains to keep himself upright, yanking them sideways and revealing-

"Kitty?"

"Kurt?"

"Mr. Anderson?"

"Barrett? Oh my God!" Blaine cried, probably too loudly. "Kitty, why are you shirtless?"

"I told you women love the blazer," Barrett the ex-Head Warbler said, a tiny smirk on his face.

Kurt had to fight the urge to vomit as Blaine buried his head in his shoulder. "If I recall correctly, you weren't all that impressed by the blazers, Kitty."

"I'm not," Kitty said, turning to face Kurt and Blaine head-on, giving Kurt a look at her lacy pink bra that he'd never asked for. "But I am impressed by the pecs Barrett's been hiding under those poly-blend monstrosities, so I figured I'd pretend the blazer was doing it for me in the hopes that I could get underneath it and experience those abs up close and personal."

"What?" Barrett said, looking crushed. "But the blazers-"

"-Do you absolutely no favors," Kitty said, reaching for her white button-down. "I'm used to seeing even muscle-less twigs like Mason looking buff in their Cheerios uniforms, bud, it's gonna take more than a prep school crest and a sense of entitlement to get me going."

Kurt pressed his lips together tightly to keep his laughter from interrupting the competition. Maybe he was seeing more of Kitty than he'd ever wanted to (and could he get prosecuted for that, being her teacher?), but they saw eye-to-eye on the blazer issue. The first time he'd seen Blaine without that atrocity on, he'd nearly fallen down a staircase in shock.

"That's enough, Kitty," Blaine said, unearthing himself from Kurt's shoulder but still looking a little pale. "The blazers signify years of pride, tradition, and excellence, and I will not hear you impugn them in the name of your libido!"

"Chill, Blainey-days," Kitty said, making Barrett gasp in horror. "I agreed to wear a new one for the competition, didn't I?" She pulled the piece in question on over her freshly done up shirt, striking some goofy, model-esque poses for them.

"I cannot believe I was just kissing someone who disrespects such a hallowed article of clothing so much!" Barrett said, fastening his shirt buttons indignantly. "We are through, Kitty Wilde!"

Kurt, Blaine, and Kitty quietly watched him stalk off in a huff.

"Whatever, I achieved my goal," Kitty said after a beat. "His abs were fantastic, if you were wondering."

"I really wasn't," Kurt said, pinching the bridge of his nose. He could see Blaine shaking his head out of his peripheral vision.

"Hey, I know why you guys were sneaking back here, and I don't want to picture my teachers slash friends going off to fuck, either," Kitty said. "Fair's fair."

"I will give you a guaranteed A for the year if this incident dies here," Kurt said.

"Deal. I'll even leave now so you two can still have your quickie before sneaking back to the wings and pretending you actually watched us perform."

True to her word, Kitty left after she finished her statement, leaving Kurt and Blaine stunned in her wake.

"I'm going to need Viagra before I can ever get it up again," Blaine groaned, dropping his head back on Kurt's shoulder. "I saw Kitty's boobs, Kurt."

"Are you sure about that?" Kurt said, rubbing a hand down Blaine's back. "I mean, I'm not pleased about that encounter, either, but I kind of want to make up for the time we lost from our honeymoon." He squeezed Blaine's ass. "After all, I was just about to take you all the way down my throat when Headmaster Waverly called."

"Kurt."

"You can't tell me you weren't disappointed about being interrupted then, B." Another squeeze to Blaine's ass, punctuated with a slow grinding of his pelvis against Blaine's.

"Oh my God, c'mon," Blaine said, taking Kurt's hand and nearly yanking him off his feet in his haste to get to the green rooms. "You win this round."

"I always do, darling."

"I still have plans for you, babe. We'll see about that." Blaine turned to wink at Kurt quickly before hurrying on.

Kurt stifled a moan and kept hustling. Win, lose, or draw, this little distraction was shaping up to be more satisfying than the actual competition they were attending.