Masochist

Ishida Uryuu wasn't the kind of guy who wasted time torturing himself by contemplating things that would never be. When he tried something and found out he wasn't good at it, he didn't waste time imagining what it would've been like had he been good. He did not place himself in the role of those of his classmates he knew had loving fathers and living mothers only so he could have a taste of their kind of life. When he crossed paths with an attractive girl, he didn't stop to wonder if she felt attracted to him or what it would've been like to date her then marry her and spend a lifetime by her side.

Except when it came to Inoue Orihime.

When it came to Inoue Orihime he could not help but to imagine, to let his mind run wild. He knew it would never be, knew he was torturing himself with those 'what ifs' and yet – as much as it pained him – he couldn't stop doing it. He needed it. Imagining her in love with him, married to him… Picturing a life with her always brought a smile to his lips, especially in his darkest hours, when loneliness became overwhelming and exhaustion hit and he felt like giving up on life entirely, it was those false hopes that saved him.

He would then lie on his bed, stare at the ceiling and embrace the pain of knowing none of those pictures he kept drawing around himself would ever be real. It wasn't an easy concept for the mind to grasp. The concept of impossibility…In his heart it barely even registered. And, even though Ishida was a much more rational than emotional person, his heart ruled over his head whenever a certain orange haired girl was concerned… He feared it always would.

XXX

In Ishida's imaginary present, Inoue-san's face would light up the moment he walked into the classroom. She would blush when their eyes met and her smile would widen to the point where his eyes would see nothing but her. That smile would be meant for him alone and that knowledge would make him feel warm and fuzzy inside. It would take his breath away.

'Ohayou, Ishida-kun.' She would say, as eager to greet him as he would be to greet her, and her blush would deepen.

'Ohayou, Inoue-san.' He would answer softly, still breath-taken by her beauty and the love he saw in her eyes. Love for him. And he would mean a lot more than just 'good morning' and she would know because between the two of them words would not be needed.

'I made Ishida-kun a bento.' She would confess rather sheepishly, looking at her restless feet.

He would cringe inwardly at the thought of the taste, but the knowledge that she had gone to the trouble of cooking for his sake, the realisation that she had been thinking of him even when he wasn't around… The fact that that horrid tasting bento was actually a grand gesture of love and care would make up for anything and everything. 'Arigatou, Inoue-san.' He would tell her in all honesty, bowing briefly and smiling widely.

'I hope Ishida-kun likes it.' She would then offer him the box and he would frown lightly as he adjusted his glasses.

'I thought we were eating together.' He'd confess clearing his throat and looking away to hide his own blush.

Orihime would look surprised for a moment before blushing again herself. 'I would love that very much.' She would tell him with a sheepish smile and their gazes would lock in their own special way. That way that made Ishida's heart race, that made the world stop turning and everything else fade away, leaving only the two of them. The only two people in the entire universe.

XXX

In Ishida's imaginary future, he would arrive home late after a day at the hospital, take off his shoes and coat at the door and walk on his slippers into the kitchen where Inoue Orihime would be humming a happy song as she made them dinner. He would be so used to her crazy recipes by then that they would no longer frighten him (or maybe just a little). He would wrap his arms around her from behind and she would smile as she greeted him.

'Okaerinasai.' She would whisper as she shook the salt shaker over a pan filled with stew.

'Tadaima, Orihime.' He would answer tardily only so he could say her first name, taste its sweetness on his lips as he basked in her warmth. He would never tire of it. He would kiss her neck, smelling her flowery perfume, feeling the softness of her skin…and she would let him. 'What are you cooking?' he would then inquire for he knew how much she liked to brag about her innovative culinary ideas.

'It's curry rice with strawberry toping and yakisoba with melon-pan!' she would answer with the same innocent enthusiasm she had had as a teenager.

'You needn't have gone to so much trouble...' he would make sure to inform her so if she ever needed a break she wouldn't feel bad for taking it. Ishida would always make sure she was happy with her life, with their life.

'Uryuu made me teriyaki the other night so I wanted to make Uryuu something.'

Her smile would be a nearly permanent feature. It would be a constant reminder that she was his safe haven, his soft place to fall when the world around him was hard and unyielding. With that smile and a kiss she would take away his pain, his doubts, his troubles.

He would stay there, his arms wrapped around her, watching over her shoulder as she cooked, listening to the pop song she hummed happily under her breath. He would stay there until she complained, laughing, that if he did not move she couldn't set the table. And he would then offer to do it for her, which would earn him a kiss, and the world would be perfect.

XXX

He knew it would never happen, knew it was all in his head and the realisation that he had to remind himself of all that whenever his hopes grew too large crushed and pained him. And yet he kept doing it. He kept imagining, creating, formulating those blissful scenarios only to later remember that he couldn't live a dream, that if he lingered inside the illusion any longer he might end up trapped in it forever.

Ishida had tried to stop, to forget Inoue Orihime or pretend she did not or had never existed, tried to pretend he did not know her and did not care about her. He failed every single time. Maybe the pain wasn't strong enough to leave a permanent mark… Or maybe the illusion was simply too good to give up on. The hope, the perspective of what might be if she ever loved him outweighed the fact that she never would and the fact that by waiting for her he was depriving himself of a world of possibilities.

And yet all those possibilities were just that. Possibilities. Inoue Orihime falling in love with him was an impossibility, but he had spent so long lost in his illusion that he had succeeded in convincing himself otherwise at his own expense. So, in the realm of possibilities, the possibility of that one girl choosing him over hundreds of other – better – options was the most attractive. In fact, it was far too attractive to resist.

And so Ishida persisted.

He waited for her, elaborating scenarios and torturing himself with the knowledge that they were not true… And he embraced the pain. It was his only reminder that – even without her – he still lived.

A.N.: It's been three years since this story was first posted and it pleased me greatly to revise it now and find it was not as bad as I'd thought... Thanks to all those who have reviewed, favourited and followed this story now and when it was still being posted. I hope it has touched your hearts even a little. :)