Title: Recollection
Author: Angel Jade
Rating: PG-13
Content: Slash, language.
Spoilers: Season three vaguely.
Pairings: A/X
Description: Angel looks after Xander. But does Xander know why?
Setting: Season three before Angel's presence is discovered.
Worship: [email protected]
Distribution: Ask first please.
Disclaimer: I do not own the characters of this innocent fic, that privilege belongs to Mr.Whedon and co, who do make money from them, unlike me. *g*
Author's notes: Thanks to my little brother, who got run over and helped me learn all about concussions and memory loss. Xander's behaviour is based upon his while he was in the hospital. No wait...that sounded wrong...he didn't get run over especially for this fic...I'm not that mean...he did it before...kinda inspiring this fic to be born...
Hazily, Xander woke to the sound of car horns and flashing lights. He tried to look around but saw nothing but the dark sky looming down on his aching body.
"Ugh." He managed to say, but nothing came out...he couldn't ask the thousand questions he needed to because his brain felt like mush.
"It's okay, Xander...you're gonna be okay." Angel's voice said as a cold hand clasped his own.
"Hmmm...deadboy?" Xander said softly. "You...here."
"You've been in an accident, Xander. I'm coming with you to the hospital." Angel said.
"Wha...no..." Xander wasn't sure what Angel was going on about, but he had to get home, he couldn't take Angel to the hospital...why did Angel need to go to the hospital?
"Don't try and talk." Angel warned him.
Xander winced as the red lights hit his eyes. Every movement he was making was limited but painful...and all of a sudden strange people in white clothes surrounded him. He began to panic and squeezed Angel's hand, just to make sure he was still there.
"Angel..."
"It's okay, calm down." Angel said soothingly. "I'm here."
Xander closed his eyes and tried to block it all out. His body was tired...and all he wanted to do was to sleep it off.
Angel reached out and brushed a stray strand of Xander's ruffled hair from his face as the boy closed his eyes.
*****
Xander opened his eyes slowly and looked around. He wasn't sure what was worse, the fact he couldn't move or the fact he didn't know where he was. "Okay...who kidnapped me this time?" He made an attempt at joking to the room.
"You're awake."
"Deadboy...you kidnapped me?" Xander asked, unable to look round and focus on the vampire.
"You were in an accident. A car hit you." Angel said, softly, walking over and into Xander's vision.
"Oh...what you doing here?" Xander asked, trying not to yawn.
"I couldn't contact Buffy. I didn't know Willow's number and I didn't want to leave you alone." Angel said.
"Sunny out...you're gonna pouf. Shoulda gone home." Xander told him.
"I thought you might get scared, being alone in here. You got hit on the head...you might not have remembered anything." Angel said.
"I don't...why are you here?" Xander asked again.
"I was there."
"You ran me over?"
"No...I...look, that's not important. I'm sure your parents are worried about you. I should call them." Angel said.
"Nah...not worried. Willow will be though." Xander muttered.
"Still I should call them." Angel said.
"No...don't want them here. Don't want anyone here...fuck off." Xander yelled irritably and closed his eyes.
Angel sighed and sat back down in the corner, trying not to fall asleep. The nurses had already tried to open the curtains twice and he wanted to be sure he wouldn't 'pouf' before someone got here to look after Xander.
*****
"Buffy!"
Angel jumped and opened his 'resting' eyes as Xander jolted in bed, crying out her name. He was by Xander's side in seconds, placing a hand on the boy's forehead to ease him back down onto the pillow and calm him down.
"Deadboy? What are you doing here?" Xander asked.
"I think we've had this conversation." Angel smiled. "You've been in an accident, remember?"
Xander shook his head. "Why are you here?"
"Still waiting on your friends." Angel reminded him. "I left a message, I'm sure they'll be here soon."
Xander nodded. "I hurt all over...what happened?"
Angel gave him a worried glance. "I'll be right back, Xander."
"Okay." Xander mumbled, before closing his eyes again.
*****
"Hi, doctor? I'm with Alexander Harris, I need to ask you some questions."
"Ah, you're his partner?" The doctor asked.
Angel blinked. "What?"
"I assume you two are..."
"I'm his brother." Angel reminded the doctor. "I'm looking after him until I can get hold of his...our parents."
"I see. If you give me a minute, I'll be right with you." The doctor walked away, leaving Angel alone.
*****
An hour later, the doctor walked into Xander's room. Angel stood, eager to get his questions answered.
"He's woken up a few times but he doesn't remember anything...he forgets everything I've told him. Has this knock to the head caused permanent brain damage or something?"
"Now, we can't be one hundred per cent sure, but the brain scans were all normal, it was just a simple concussion. Like most concussion victims, your brother will phase in and out of consciousness and may suffer some memory loss for a few days more. Other than that, all his injuries will heal and he'll be back to normal in no time." The doctor smiled. "Anything else, Mr. Harris?"
Angel frowned. "Uh...no...nothing."
The doctor smiled and left. As soon as the door banged shut, Xander's eyes opened slightly.
"Hey Xander. You've been in an..."
"Accident...yeah..." Xander said groggily. "They here yet?"
"What? Oh...no. I'm sure it's really important, whatever they're doing." Angel assured him. "They'll be here in no time."
"How long have I been...here?" Xander asked.
"Four days."
"And Buffy hasn't checked her messages?" Xander asked.
"As soon as night comes, I'll go and find them." Angel promised.
"Angel?"
"Yeah?"
"You been here all that time?"
"Yeah."
"Oh...thanks. You didn't have to." Xander said.
"Just making sure you're okay." Angel told him.
"For Buffy?"
"For you. Had to make sure you're okay." Angel said again.
"Oh...okay. Thanks Angel."
"Anytime."
*****
As the sun set over Sunnydale, Angel left the sleeping Xander, in search of Buffy and Willow.
He stopped by Buffy's house and was a little surprised when she opened the door. "You didn't get my messages?" Angel asked.
She frowned. "Machine's broken. You left messages?" She asked, smiling. "And what are you doing out? I told you to stay inside...if they see you..."
"Xander's been in a car accident." Angel interrupted. "I was nearby...I've been with him for four days in the hospital."
"Oh my God. Willow!" Buffy yelled, going back inside.
Willow ran down the stairs and screamed when she saw Angel.
"No...Willow...it's Angel...Xander's been in an accident." Buffy told her. "I'll explain later...but, you have to trust me...Angel's not going to hurt you."
Willow frowned nervously at Angel, who smiled awkwardly back.
"I'll go home...you can take care of him, right? He has a bad memory, but other than that, he's fine." Angel said. "I'm sorry, I would have come sooner, but I was afraid to leave him alone. If he'd woken up, he wouldn't have known where he was..."
"Thanks Angel. We have to go." Buffy said, quickly, dragging a hesitant Willow out the front door.
Angel watched them run off and started to walk back to his place.
*****
He was asleep when they got there, so Buffy sat and watched him, while Willow stood at his side, brushing the little curls of hair from his face. She couldn't help crying...seeing him look so helpless like that.
"He's going to be okay, Willow." Buffy said softly.
"Did he do this to him?" Willow demanded.
"What?"
"Did Angel do this to Xander?" Willow asked. "If it is Angel. How could you not tell us he's back? Did you bring him back?"
"Willow...no! He came back from hell...we don't know why. He's Angel again, trust me. He saved my life."
"So he gets to take it." Willow said. "Giles is going to be so mad."
"Please, don't be like this. He's Angel. He brought Xander here and looked after him." Buffy reminded her.
"He probably did this to him." Willow accused.
Buffy stormed out of Xander's room and up to reception, Willow close behind her. "Excuse me, but has Xander Harris received any visitors?"
"Well, his brother was here all day everyday since he came in...but other than that, I don't know. Sorry." The receptionist said.
Buffy gave Willow a look.
Willow just turned away and walked back into the room, trying to keep from crying again.
"Look, Willow. I know this is a bad time for you to have found out. Just wait until Xander wakes up...see what he says." Buffy said.
Willow nodded. "I can't believe he's been here four days and we didn't even notice. I thought he was grounded."
"It's not your fault." Buffy said, sympathetically. "If my machine had been working..."
"Yeah...blame it on technology." Willow said, smiling slightly.
"Bad technology...bad." Buffy joked.
"Buffy?" Xander mumbled.
"Xander, you're awake..." Willow said, rushing to his side.
"I am? 'Cause I feel like I'm dead. I'm not, am I?" He asked.
"No...definitely not dead." Buffy told him.
"Good to know." Xander said. "Where am I?"
*****
Angel paced the room back at his home, deep in thought. It was his fault. It was all his fault. Xander didn't even remember...and now Willow knew he was back...soon Giles would.
This was bad.
He looked over to the chair on the other side of the room and saw Xander's jacket, which had been left there from that night. Angel grabbed it, running outside.
He'd have to return it. Not in anyway an excuse to see if he was still okay.
*****
"Memory problems?" Xander asked. "Oh great. Trust me...something cool like getting run over happens and I don't even remember it?"
Willow smiled. "It was probably very traumatic."
"Yeah, but I wanna remember it!" Xander moaned.
"You don't remember what happened before?" Buffy asked.
"No...just...not much from that day...I remember breakfast." He told them.
"Nice to know you remember the important things." Buffy said, sarcastically.
"Was Angel here?" Xander asked suddenly.
Buffy tensed but then smiled. "Yeah...he was. He found you and looked after you." She explained.
"Thought I dreamt it...wait...Angel who died? I was talking to him and it didn't even occur to me that the guy is dead...and evil."
"Not evil...still dead...but only in the vampire sense." Buffy said.
"Confused! Head hurts. What?" Xander complained.
Buffy smiled. "He came back. From hell. We don't know why."
"Oh...so he was really here?" Xander asked. "I remember him being here...sorta."
"He was. All four days." Willow said, smiling.
"Why?" Xander asked.
"I'd like to know that myself." Buffy muttered.
"He did seem very...caring." Willow said.
"Probably feels guilty for the whole Angelus thing." Buffy dismissed quickly.
"But all four days? Not even my parents would do that!" Xander said. "Okay, bad comparison. Not even you guys would do that."
"Well, we have a life. Unlike the lifeless one." Buffy said.
"Whoa...this the same Buffy?" Xander asked. "You're being very off with him."
"Sorry...just worried about you." Buffy said, smiling.
Xander frowned but said nothing.
Angel walked in carefully. As the eyes turned on him, he felt a fresh wave of guilt. "Uh...Xander...your jacket. You left it."
"You brought his jacket?" Buffy asked.
"Yeah...I thought he might need it." Angel said, lamely.
"Thanks. You better go now." Buffy said.
Angel hesitated. Was Buffy being off with him?
"Sorry...I'll go." He said, placing the jacket down and walking out.
"Deadboy!" Xander called. Angel looked around. "Thanks...for whatever crazy reason you're being so nice...thanks."
Angel smiled sadly at Xander. "Anytime." He walked out, feeling nothing but a cold look. He hoped it was Willow's.
Something didn't make sense here.
*****
Xander was released two days later, with appointments with every kind of doctor known to man taking up every day from then on. He was finally completely discharged fifteen days after the accident.
His parents, as expected, had blamed him for the accident and forced him to get a job to pay for the medical bills. But all that was nothing new to Xander.
Something else was bugging him.
Buffy and Willow were looking after him...Buffy more so than anyone. She was mollycoddling him at every opportunity.
He hadn't seen Angel since his last visit and while that would have usually pleased him no end...he had the feeling something was missing from his memory that needed to be remembered.
He tried to work out why he wasn't more bothered about Angel's return. It hadn't even shocked him in the hospital. At first he'd put it down to drugs...those fuzzy feelings were never good for realistic reactions to things...but now? Now he had the biggest urge to go to Angel and demand an explanation.
That's if the vampire had one.
*****
"I was hoping you'd stop by." Angel said, as Xander appeared in the doorway.
"What don't I remember?" Xander asked, walking in and sitting down.
"What?"
"There's something...what is it?" Xander asked.
"Xander...I can't explain anything right now. You need to rest." Angel said.
"Fuck rest. I've done that none stop...now I want answers. You were more than nice to me in the hospital...you did way more than you should have done. Willow and Buffy think it's guilt for what happened with your soul...but you didn't do much to me. So why don't you give me a better reason."
"I can't."
"Don't fucking lie to me!" Xander yelled.
"Calm down." Angel said. "If you don't remember it...you don't wanna hear it, trust me." Angel told him.
"You were guilty for another reason, weren't you? Was it your fault?" He asked.
"Xander please..."
"Was it?" Xander demanded. "I saw you...didn't I? I saw you alive and freaked out. I ran off. You chased? Sound right? You chased me into the road?"
"No..."
"Then what?"
"You saw me." Angel said. "You came here and saw me...I saw you too. I ran after you. You didn't get far."
*****
"Xander, wait!"
"Stay away from me!" Xander cried, running desperately.
Angel caught him and held his arm, trying not to hurt the boy. "I'm not Angelus. Please...don't run away. Let me explain."
"Explain what?" Xander asked. "How you're here...Buffy said you were dead..."
"I was. She killed Angelus...sent us to hell. I came back..." Angel told him.
"Does she know?"
"Yes."
"I don't believe this." Xander yelled. "How could she?"
"Xander, calm down. Will you just hear me out?" Angel asked.
"No, fuck you."
"Please!" Angel begged. "Hear my side of the story and then you can do what you want. Just listen before you run off."
Xander hesitated.
"You got a crucifix?" Angel asked.
Xander nodded.
"Get it out, if you don't trust me. We'll go talk...I'll keep my distance I promise." Angel said.
Xander reached for it, surprised when Angel didn't try and stop him.
"You'll listen?"
"Five minutes deadboy, then one of us is dust and for you...it's the literal meaning." Xander said, threateningly.
*****
"I just listened?" Xander asked. "I actually went with you?"
"Well, I can be persuasive at times." Angel smiled.
"So I listened?" Xander asked.
"You listened. I explained everything...hell, Angelus, Buffy...guilt, regret. I told you everything." Angel said. "You even started to talk back. We had an actual conversation. First time ever I think."
"Wow. Shame I don't remember. Don't think that'll ever happen again...except maybe for now." Xander grinned. He suddenly stopped. "What's wrong with me?"
"What?"
"I'm acting all friendly round you. I don't like you. Why am I being like this?" Xander asked.
"I was just getting to that part." Angel smiled.
"Oh...well...hurry up. I need to know whether to book myself in at the local loony bin." Xander joked.
"You and I talked for hours. We didn't stop at Buffy...you told me about your parents."
"I did?" Xander frowned. "You sure?"
"Yeah. I told you about mine." Angel said. "I hadn't talked to anybody like that for a long time."
"This is so soppy. You saying we're best friends now?"
"Not exactly."
"Well, carry on..."
"You told me how you feel sometimes. How you're not worthy of Buffy or Cordelia. I told you you were...that you're very important to your friends." Angel said. "I did everything I could to make you feel better, because I used to be you...I was you until I reached eighteen. Then I started using alcohol and women to make myself feel better. I didn't want you to do that."
"You tried to make me feel better how?" Xander asked, almost knowing what was coming but not willing to let himself believe it.
"I kissed you."
Xander jumped off his seat and glared at Angel. "Bullshit."
"I did..." Angel said, looking away.
"And I ran...cause that's just weird. I ran and got run over. Well thanks for that deadboy..."
"Xander!" Angel interrupted. "You didn't run."
"What?"
"You didn't run." Angel repeated. "I know this is hard to hear because you don't remember it...but I do and it's hard for me too. I remember it and you don't..."
"Remember the kiss, right?" Xander asked nervously.
Angel didn't answer.
"Just a kiss, right?" Xander asked desperately.
"I didn't mean to take it further...but we'd both talked each other into a depressing mood...we were both feeling low...it just kinda happened." Angel said.
"No...it doesn't just happen." Xander argued loudly. "It does not happen. How could it happen?"
*****
"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have done that." Xander said, pulling away. "I'll go."
"Xander, I kissed you..." Angel told him.
"Yeah, well, I wan..." Xander broke off and looked away.
"Wanted to?" Angel asked.
Xander looked back at him, his eyes full of worry. "Obviously I never thought about doing that. I'm straight. I love Cordelia...I may have the slightest of crushes on Buffy...but I never wanted to...until I did...then suddenly I get the feeling I may have always wanted to...but never realised...you know?"
Angel smiled. "I know exactly what you mean."
"You...you wanted to too?"
"Maybe...a little." Angel admitted.
"Right...so...that was wrong. No more. Me and Cordelia...you and Buffy...who, by the way, you can't have sex with ever again." Xander reminded him.
"Right...not with Buffy. Buffy makes me too happy...no more sex with Buffy..." He broke off, leaving the silent question in the air.
"You could probably do it with someone you don't like." Xander suggested.
Angel nodded. "Yeah...I could...do it...with someone..."
"Maybe someone who annoys you. You know, so you don't get a chance to be happy." Xander suggested.
"Yeah. Maybe someone who's nothing like Buffy, so it can't remind me." Angel agreed.
There was a strong silence before they both looked at each other awkwardly.
"It's late, maybe I should...go." Xander said finally.
Angel looked disappointed. "Yeah...I'll, uh...walk you home."
Xander's eyes lost all hope at these words and he nodded. "Yeah."
"Uh, first...can I...we...talk some more?" Angel asked, losing his courage half way through.
Xander nodded. "We should...say goodbye...first." He found himself getting closer, leaning in.
"I probably won't get to see you much if I have to stay away from Buffy." Angel muttered.
"But I can come back, right?" Xander asked.
"Always." Angel got up the nerve and let his lips brush up against Xander's.
Xander allowed himself to kiss back. He tried not to think to hard and just concentrated on his rising lust at finally being able to kiss the vampire properly.
Angel felt Xander's hand rise to his chest, slipping inside his shirt. He felt Xander's lust and broke the kiss. "Are you sure?"
Xander was past caring now. He simply nodded and began to undress Angel desperately.
*****
"Oh please!" Xander snorted. "I did not!"
Angel sighed. "Whatever. You don't believe me...but you'll know soon enough."
"What's that supposed to mean?" Xander asked.
"I can smell your arousal, Xander...I know your body remembers...you will soon enough." Angel explained.
Xander hesitated. "I wouldn't have...not with you."
"If you don't believe me, leave." Angel said shortly. He hated this. Hated remembering what they'd done and knowing Xander would only blame him...that's if he could get the boy to believe him first.
"Why would you...with me?" Xander asked quietly.
Angel looked up at him, seeing a flick of acceptance in his eyes. "Because I wanted to. So did you. But I guess if you say it didn't happen, it didn't."
"I don't understand." Xander said, finally.
"What? The sex or the story?" Angel asked.
"How did I get run over if we were having sex?" He asked, almost cringing as he said the last word.
"After...I walked you home. We were both silent...didn't really have much to say. But half way there, you asked me if it had meant something or if it was a mistake." Angel explained. "I asked you what you wanted and you said you didn't know."
"And then?"
"And then I said it would be better if we didn't see each other for a while. I was afraid of hurting Buffy."
"Ooh, big mistake. Did I hit you?" Xander asked.
"No."
"Should have. That's not something a guy who just lost his virginity to you wants to hear." Xander said.
Angel frowned. "You didn't believe me a minute ago...now all of a sudden I'm the bad guy for using you?"
"You used me?"
"No! I was just making a point." Angel said. "Anyway, you did get upset. You ran off...told me to 'go fuck myself.'"
"Yay me." Xander grinned.
"Stop being so understanding. I liked it better when you didn't believe me." Angel moaned.
"I don't believe you." Xander said. "I'm still thinking it over. It's just hard not to get caught up in the plot, ya know?"
"I walked away after that. What could I do? You hated me...it was my fault. I heard a screech of tires and I ran after you. When I got there, you were on the floor in the middle of the road unconscious. The blood was everywhere. Even when you woke up briefly when the ambulance got there, you didn't know why I was there."
"That memory loss, huh? Bad timing or what?" Xander joked. He saw Angel's serious expression and sighed. "Look...I have no reason what so ever to believe what you just told me. But for some reason...I do. And yes, you are an ass hole for saying that to me, but it wasn't your fault. It was the driver...who I haven't had a sorry from. Where'd they go?"
"They weren't there when I got there." Angel said.
"I was in a hit and run? No way...the police want to know what happened?" Xander asked.
"Strangely enough, the police don't do their job properly round here. They asked me questions and I answered them...never heard from them since." Angel told him.
"Great." Xander mumbled. "My would-be murderer is still out there."
"I don't think anyone has any reason to kill you." Angel smiled. "You don't blame me?"
"Well, a little bit...but seeing as it seems we're a little closer these days, I'm not going to hold it against you." Xander said.
"You're taking this too well." Angel said, suspiciously.
"Well, you're weren't lying...I may not remember anything, but my body does." Xander explained. "So I'm gonna go with it for now. But...no kissing until I say so."
Angel smiled. "I promise."
Xander stood there, in silence, wondering what to say next. "You know...I don't remember us becoming friends, so we'd need to do that first anyway..."
Angel nodded. "Of course."
Xander looked at Angel's face and wondered what it had been like. "But then again, we've just done that...wouldn't you say so?"
"Definitely." Angel agreed. "I'd say we were at the friendship part."
"Okay...so now all we have to do it move on to the 'more than friendship' part." Xander added.
"Yeah." Angel nodded.
"But we can't anyway, because of Buffy, right?" Xander asked.
"Well, I just wanted to wait until I told her first."
"Told her what?"
"That things can't work between me and her. She already told me, but I got the feeling there was a small disclaimer at the bottom which said, she can start dating again but I can't." Angel explained.
"So you want to tell her before anything else happens?" Xander asked.
"I thought I owed her that much." Angel told him.
"That would mean telling everyone." Xander's eyes widened. "I can't do that! I'm dating Cordelia."
"You weren't going to tell her?" Angel asked.
"I wouldn't know...I can't remember." Xander pointed out. "I'm just not sure there's anything to tell yet."
"Right."
"If I tell her tomorrow, can we do it now?" Xander asked suddenly.
"Uh...I think that's okay." Angel replied, smiling as Xander finally gave up and pounced on him.
*****
Xander whistled as he walked up Buffy's drive and knocked on the door. He couldn't stop smiling, even through the periods of complete and utter shock at last night's events.
Buffy answered and looked at his expression. "What's up with you?"
"Nothing...just incredibly happy." Xander smiled, walking in.
"Are you taking drugs?" Buffy asked, following him.
"Yep."
She frowned.
"Medication." He grinned.
"And they make you happy?"
'No, fucking your boyfriend makes me happy.' Xander tried not to grin at his thoughts. "Uh...yeah...happy pills."
Buffy smiled. "Are you feeling okay now?"
Xander nodded. "Yeah...much better. Just a little pissed."
"You're drunk?"
"Off. Pissed off." Xander corrected her.
"Oh."
"I figured out last night that I was in a hit and run. You know what it's like knowing someone out there almost killed you and you don't even know who they are? The bastard just drove off...can't believe some people."
Buffy looked thoughtful for a second. "Yeah...sucks."
"So anyway, I came round to say thanks."
"Thanks?" Buffy asked quickly.
"For looking after me...you've been great." Xander said. He felt the guilt behind the words and hoped she didn't.
"Oh...right...no, not a problem. You're my friend Xander. I'd do anything for you."
There was a silence between them that neither could fill, so Xander nodded and smiled, before walking to the door. "I'll see ya round, Buffy."
"Yeah...bye Xander." She felt so awkward standing there now. Wanted to say something but couldn't. She dropped her head sighed.
*****
"Angel?" Xander called, feeling nervous about seeing the vampire again. Definitely in a good way though.
"You're early." He said, walking out from the shadows.
Xander smiled. "Yeah, well...I have something important to ask you."
"Go ahead."
"Am I missing anything?"
"What?"
"It's not all there, is it? I'm missing something and I need to know what." Xander explained.
"I've told you everything." Angel said truthfully.
"It's just...Buffy's acting weird." Xander said finally.
"I know."
"You do?"
"Before the accident, she was round here every night to check on me. The night in question she didn't show. The next time I saw her, at her house, she didn't ask where I was. She acted as if she had no idea I'd been anywhere...which she should have. Unless she had a reason to stop visiting me."
"You think she knows?" Xander asked.
"Perhaps."
"Then why is she being so nice to me? I mean, normal nice...if not a little too mothering." Xander said.
"When she told me her machine wasn't working...I wasn't sure, but it sounded too improvised." Angel said. "I think she knew. She knew where we were."
"But why wouldn't she come and see me? Or even tell Willow...how could she do that?"
Angel looked away. He didn't want to say it.
"I'm going to confront her." Xander said, his face hardening.
Angel stood. "That's not a good idea."
"I have to do this." Xander told him, walking out.
Angel chased after him, holding him back. "You can't...not alone."
"Then come with me." Xander suggested.
"I'm not ready to face her." Angel replied.
"And you never will be. You're still in love with her!" Xander accused.
"I can't help it." Angel said. "I'll always love her...but I don't want her. I want you."
"But you don't love me." Xander stated.
"You love me?"
"Hell no." Xander replied, shrugging Angel off and walking away.
Angel caught up with him again. "Xander, I don't know you. I can't just fall in love like that."
"Yeah, whatever. I gotta go." Xander replied, pulling away again.
"Wait." Angel grabbed him again.
Xander spun round. "What ya gonna do? Chase me into a road again?"
"I didn't..."
"Yeah, well maybe I don't believe you anymore." Xander hissed.
"I wasn't even around when you got hit." Angel reminded him.
"Witnesses? Uh...no. No one saw...I don't remember. Take your word for it? I don't think so." Xander snarled.
"But it was okay to believe anything last night, when you wanted something?" Angel asked, getting angry.
"I'm having doubts. No one's being straight with me. There's something I'm missing and I wanna know what."
"And you think I have the answer?" Angel asked.
"No, I think I do." Xander replied, walking off.
Angel groaned and ran after him. "What if the answer's not what you wanna hear? Then what?"
"I need to know."
"It could ruin everything." Angel warned him.
"Me and you? Trust me, it's already ruined." Xander said angrily.
"Then go to her. Ask her what's going on. See how much you get." Angel said angrily.
"You know something, don't you?" Xander asked.
"No...I just think I do." Angel said, walking away.
Xander stormed off in the opposite direction. He got a few feet before he changed his mind. He ran after Angel. "Wait."
"Change your mind?"
"I wanna know and I want you to be straight with me." Xander said, seriously.
Angel looked at him sadly. "I don't want to see you hurt."
"I don't want to see me go crazy...please Angel. If you really meant what you said about wanting me...then you'll tell me." Xander told him.
"I don't believe it." An angry voice said.
Xander's heart stopped as he turned around to see Buffy glaring at them from across the cemetery.
"Buffy..." Xander said; it was all he could say.
"My best friend and my boyfriend. What does it take to..." She broke off. "You're sick. Stay away from me the both of you."
"Buffy..."
"No, Xander. Lets talk this over." Angel said, pushing forward. "Shocked Buffy? You look it. Very shocked. I'd say angry was more the term."
"Duh." She said sarcastically.
"But not shocked. I wonder why that is?"
"Buffy...did you see us...before?" Xander asked softly.
She didn't answer.
"How about this Buffy...did you know about us...did you see us...did you know about the accident...did you care?" Angel threw the questions at her, hoping she'd break.
Buffy held back the tears that threatened to spill. "I didn't..."
"Did you get angry when you found out?" Angel asked. "Really angry? Vengeful even? Were you thinking as you took the car? Were you rational as you sped up, seeing Xander cross the road?"
"Angel, stop it!" Xander warned.
"I didn't mean to!" Buffy cried. "I couldn't think...you betrayed me, the both of you. My best friend...my male best friend...sleeping with my boyfriend!"
"Buffy?" It didn't register and he didn't want it to...but even as he looked into her pained eyes, he remembered the cold ones. Cold ones filled with rage as she ran into him. He remembered those eyes and looked at her, his own eyes filling with tears. "Why?"
That only made her break down further. "I'm sorry...I'm so sorry." She pleaded.
"I think perhaps you should stay away from us." Xander said, simply. "I don't want to see you again. And I'm pretty sure Willow won't either. Maybe even Giles. Or your mom."
Buffy clenched her jaw. "It was an accident."
"No, it was attempted murder. You're psychotic." Xander hissed back at her.
Angel saw the anger rising in her and moved to stop Xander.
"When I'm done, no one's gonna wanna have anything to do with you. You're fucked up." Xander yelled.
"Stop it." Buffy yelled back.
"What? Am I hurting you? Better be careful, next time I might not make it out the hospital alive."
"Might not even make it to the hospital." Buffy yelled, lunging at him.
Angel reacted quickly, batting Buffy away, protecting Xander. She glowered as she ran at him, stake pulled from her waistband...intent on killing him.
Xander panicked, afraid of what she'd do if he got close, but bound by a need to help Angel. He tried to knock her off him but ended up being shoved away.
Angel fought back, his strength still not completely returned after his trip to hell, but his will stronger than ever. He managed to grab her hand, stopping her from plunging the stake into his chest.
Xander got up again, and jumped on Buffy's back, trying to pull her off. He managed to roll her off, but ending up pinned beneath her. Angel took the arm with the stake and tried to get it off her. She was so intent on pulling away from him, that when she finally did, she didn't realise where her arm was heading until it was too late.
*****
Angel shoved her away, her shock giving him the opportunity to do so. He cowered by Xander, his fist clasping the stake buried in Xander's chest. He saw the pain in the boy's eyes and took his hand. "You're gonna be okay, Xander. Hold on. Just hold on for me, okay?"
Xander nodded, slowly, unable to scream from the pain because it hurt to breathe, let alone talk.
Buffy sat there, her eyes wide with tearful innocence. "I didn't mean to...I didn't." She sobbed.
"Get an ambulance." Angel barked.
She sat there, unable to move.
"Now!"
She staggered to her feet and ran off.
Angel could only pray she would do it.
He yanked the stake from Xander's chest and took off his jacket to cover the wound. He pressed hard, causing Xander to wince. At least he wouldn't die from blood loss.
They waited for minutes...Xander barely able to keep his eyes open...Angel talking softly of everything they were gonna do when Xander got out the hospital. He tried not to make him laugh, seeing the pain he was in, but he kept it light...he wouldn't let Xander give up hope.
When the ambulance got there, Angel watched with sick déjà vu as Xander was put onto a stretcher and placed in the van. Angel jumped in, by his side all the way.
*****
"Am I dead?" Xander asked two days later as he came around briefly.
"Not yet." Angel smiled, holding the boys hand.
"We're back here again." Xander mumbled. "You think I'm gonna do this often?"
"I think I need to take better care of you." Angel replied.
"Buffy?"
Angel hesitated. "She ran off."
"She did?" He wasn't sure how he felt about that.
"I know what she did was inexcusable...she had a bad temper...." Angel began.
"Yeah, I'd say so." Xander smiled.
"I don't think she ever meant to hurt you...she's just so caught up in herself sometimes...I don't think she takes rejection well."
"I don't care." Xander muttered. "She's gone. I'm not bothered if I ever see her again."
"Willow's been here a lot." Angel told him.
"She's okay with it? I mean, obviously she's not...but she's not mad at me?"
"Of course not." Angel replied.
"And Giles?"
"He's been here too. Feels guilty...says he knew her temper was bad but...he's going back to England soon. I don't think he can stay here now."
Xander nodded. "Cordelia?"
"She knows what happened. I explained. She was angry...threw things at me. But I think she understands now." Angel told him.
"Faith?"
"She's keeping control of the evil in town. I think she's happy Buffy's gone. She's sort of filled a gap...one I know can't be replaced easily."
"And you?"
"Me?"
"How are you?"
"Worried. I haven't slept...I don't think I've ever been so scared in my whole life. I really thought...you were so near death." Angel told him honestly.
"Would you have turned me?"
"Now...I say no. Then...in a heartbeat...uh, so to speak." Angel smiled.
"I dunno, think I'd be a good vampire." Xander said.
"Wouldn't be you though." Angel replied. "And I won't settle for anything less."
"At least I have my memory this time." Xander commented. "I'd hate to go through all that again, just to remember you."
"Don't worry, I'm gonna make sure you can't forget me." Angel grinned.
"I don't think that's possible, deadboy."
The End
Author: Angel Jade
Rating: PG-13
Content: Slash, language.
Spoilers: Season three vaguely.
Pairings: A/X
Description: Angel looks after Xander. But does Xander know why?
Setting: Season three before Angel's presence is discovered.
Worship: [email protected]
Distribution: Ask first please.
Disclaimer: I do not own the characters of this innocent fic, that privilege belongs to Mr.Whedon and co, who do make money from them, unlike me. *g*
Author's notes: Thanks to my little brother, who got run over and helped me learn all about concussions and memory loss. Xander's behaviour is based upon his while he was in the hospital. No wait...that sounded wrong...he didn't get run over especially for this fic...I'm not that mean...he did it before...kinda inspiring this fic to be born...
Hazily, Xander woke to the sound of car horns and flashing lights. He tried to look around but saw nothing but the dark sky looming down on his aching body.
"Ugh." He managed to say, but nothing came out...he couldn't ask the thousand questions he needed to because his brain felt like mush.
"It's okay, Xander...you're gonna be okay." Angel's voice said as a cold hand clasped his own.
"Hmmm...deadboy?" Xander said softly. "You...here."
"You've been in an accident, Xander. I'm coming with you to the hospital." Angel said.
"Wha...no..." Xander wasn't sure what Angel was going on about, but he had to get home, he couldn't take Angel to the hospital...why did Angel need to go to the hospital?
"Don't try and talk." Angel warned him.
Xander winced as the red lights hit his eyes. Every movement he was making was limited but painful...and all of a sudden strange people in white clothes surrounded him. He began to panic and squeezed Angel's hand, just to make sure he was still there.
"Angel..."
"It's okay, calm down." Angel said soothingly. "I'm here."
Xander closed his eyes and tried to block it all out. His body was tired...and all he wanted to do was to sleep it off.
Angel reached out and brushed a stray strand of Xander's ruffled hair from his face as the boy closed his eyes.
*****
Xander opened his eyes slowly and looked around. He wasn't sure what was worse, the fact he couldn't move or the fact he didn't know where he was. "Okay...who kidnapped me this time?" He made an attempt at joking to the room.
"You're awake."
"Deadboy...you kidnapped me?" Xander asked, unable to look round and focus on the vampire.
"You were in an accident. A car hit you." Angel said, softly, walking over and into Xander's vision.
"Oh...what you doing here?" Xander asked, trying not to yawn.
"I couldn't contact Buffy. I didn't know Willow's number and I didn't want to leave you alone." Angel said.
"Sunny out...you're gonna pouf. Shoulda gone home." Xander told him.
"I thought you might get scared, being alone in here. You got hit on the head...you might not have remembered anything." Angel said.
"I don't...why are you here?" Xander asked again.
"I was there."
"You ran me over?"
"No...I...look, that's not important. I'm sure your parents are worried about you. I should call them." Angel said.
"Nah...not worried. Willow will be though." Xander muttered.
"Still I should call them." Angel said.
"No...don't want them here. Don't want anyone here...fuck off." Xander yelled irritably and closed his eyes.
Angel sighed and sat back down in the corner, trying not to fall asleep. The nurses had already tried to open the curtains twice and he wanted to be sure he wouldn't 'pouf' before someone got here to look after Xander.
*****
"Buffy!"
Angel jumped and opened his 'resting' eyes as Xander jolted in bed, crying out her name. He was by Xander's side in seconds, placing a hand on the boy's forehead to ease him back down onto the pillow and calm him down.
"Deadboy? What are you doing here?" Xander asked.
"I think we've had this conversation." Angel smiled. "You've been in an accident, remember?"
Xander shook his head. "Why are you here?"
"Still waiting on your friends." Angel reminded him. "I left a message, I'm sure they'll be here soon."
Xander nodded. "I hurt all over...what happened?"
Angel gave him a worried glance. "I'll be right back, Xander."
"Okay." Xander mumbled, before closing his eyes again.
*****
"Hi, doctor? I'm with Alexander Harris, I need to ask you some questions."
"Ah, you're his partner?" The doctor asked.
Angel blinked. "What?"
"I assume you two are..."
"I'm his brother." Angel reminded the doctor. "I'm looking after him until I can get hold of his...our parents."
"I see. If you give me a minute, I'll be right with you." The doctor walked away, leaving Angel alone.
*****
An hour later, the doctor walked into Xander's room. Angel stood, eager to get his questions answered.
"He's woken up a few times but he doesn't remember anything...he forgets everything I've told him. Has this knock to the head caused permanent brain damage or something?"
"Now, we can't be one hundred per cent sure, but the brain scans were all normal, it was just a simple concussion. Like most concussion victims, your brother will phase in and out of consciousness and may suffer some memory loss for a few days more. Other than that, all his injuries will heal and he'll be back to normal in no time." The doctor smiled. "Anything else, Mr. Harris?"
Angel frowned. "Uh...no...nothing."
The doctor smiled and left. As soon as the door banged shut, Xander's eyes opened slightly.
"Hey Xander. You've been in an..."
"Accident...yeah..." Xander said groggily. "They here yet?"
"What? Oh...no. I'm sure it's really important, whatever they're doing." Angel assured him. "They'll be here in no time."
"How long have I been...here?" Xander asked.
"Four days."
"And Buffy hasn't checked her messages?" Xander asked.
"As soon as night comes, I'll go and find them." Angel promised.
"Angel?"
"Yeah?"
"You been here all that time?"
"Yeah."
"Oh...thanks. You didn't have to." Xander said.
"Just making sure you're okay." Angel told him.
"For Buffy?"
"For you. Had to make sure you're okay." Angel said again.
"Oh...okay. Thanks Angel."
"Anytime."
*****
As the sun set over Sunnydale, Angel left the sleeping Xander, in search of Buffy and Willow.
He stopped by Buffy's house and was a little surprised when she opened the door. "You didn't get my messages?" Angel asked.
She frowned. "Machine's broken. You left messages?" She asked, smiling. "And what are you doing out? I told you to stay inside...if they see you..."
"Xander's been in a car accident." Angel interrupted. "I was nearby...I've been with him for four days in the hospital."
"Oh my God. Willow!" Buffy yelled, going back inside.
Willow ran down the stairs and screamed when she saw Angel.
"No...Willow...it's Angel...Xander's been in an accident." Buffy told her. "I'll explain later...but, you have to trust me...Angel's not going to hurt you."
Willow frowned nervously at Angel, who smiled awkwardly back.
"I'll go home...you can take care of him, right? He has a bad memory, but other than that, he's fine." Angel said. "I'm sorry, I would have come sooner, but I was afraid to leave him alone. If he'd woken up, he wouldn't have known where he was..."
"Thanks Angel. We have to go." Buffy said, quickly, dragging a hesitant Willow out the front door.
Angel watched them run off and started to walk back to his place.
*****
He was asleep when they got there, so Buffy sat and watched him, while Willow stood at his side, brushing the little curls of hair from his face. She couldn't help crying...seeing him look so helpless like that.
"He's going to be okay, Willow." Buffy said softly.
"Did he do this to him?" Willow demanded.
"What?"
"Did Angel do this to Xander?" Willow asked. "If it is Angel. How could you not tell us he's back? Did you bring him back?"
"Willow...no! He came back from hell...we don't know why. He's Angel again, trust me. He saved my life."
"So he gets to take it." Willow said. "Giles is going to be so mad."
"Please, don't be like this. He's Angel. He brought Xander here and looked after him." Buffy reminded her.
"He probably did this to him." Willow accused.
Buffy stormed out of Xander's room and up to reception, Willow close behind her. "Excuse me, but has Xander Harris received any visitors?"
"Well, his brother was here all day everyday since he came in...but other than that, I don't know. Sorry." The receptionist said.
Buffy gave Willow a look.
Willow just turned away and walked back into the room, trying to keep from crying again.
"Look, Willow. I know this is a bad time for you to have found out. Just wait until Xander wakes up...see what he says." Buffy said.
Willow nodded. "I can't believe he's been here four days and we didn't even notice. I thought he was grounded."
"It's not your fault." Buffy said, sympathetically. "If my machine had been working..."
"Yeah...blame it on technology." Willow said, smiling slightly.
"Bad technology...bad." Buffy joked.
"Buffy?" Xander mumbled.
"Xander, you're awake..." Willow said, rushing to his side.
"I am? 'Cause I feel like I'm dead. I'm not, am I?" He asked.
"No...definitely not dead." Buffy told him.
"Good to know." Xander said. "Where am I?"
*****
Angel paced the room back at his home, deep in thought. It was his fault. It was all his fault. Xander didn't even remember...and now Willow knew he was back...soon Giles would.
This was bad.
He looked over to the chair on the other side of the room and saw Xander's jacket, which had been left there from that night. Angel grabbed it, running outside.
He'd have to return it. Not in anyway an excuse to see if he was still okay.
*****
"Memory problems?" Xander asked. "Oh great. Trust me...something cool like getting run over happens and I don't even remember it?"
Willow smiled. "It was probably very traumatic."
"Yeah, but I wanna remember it!" Xander moaned.
"You don't remember what happened before?" Buffy asked.
"No...just...not much from that day...I remember breakfast." He told them.
"Nice to know you remember the important things." Buffy said, sarcastically.
"Was Angel here?" Xander asked suddenly.
Buffy tensed but then smiled. "Yeah...he was. He found you and looked after you." She explained.
"Thought I dreamt it...wait...Angel who died? I was talking to him and it didn't even occur to me that the guy is dead...and evil."
"Not evil...still dead...but only in the vampire sense." Buffy said.
"Confused! Head hurts. What?" Xander complained.
Buffy smiled. "He came back. From hell. We don't know why."
"Oh...so he was really here?" Xander asked. "I remember him being here...sorta."
"He was. All four days." Willow said, smiling.
"Why?" Xander asked.
"I'd like to know that myself." Buffy muttered.
"He did seem very...caring." Willow said.
"Probably feels guilty for the whole Angelus thing." Buffy dismissed quickly.
"But all four days? Not even my parents would do that!" Xander said. "Okay, bad comparison. Not even you guys would do that."
"Well, we have a life. Unlike the lifeless one." Buffy said.
"Whoa...this the same Buffy?" Xander asked. "You're being very off with him."
"Sorry...just worried about you." Buffy said, smiling.
Xander frowned but said nothing.
Angel walked in carefully. As the eyes turned on him, he felt a fresh wave of guilt. "Uh...Xander...your jacket. You left it."
"You brought his jacket?" Buffy asked.
"Yeah...I thought he might need it." Angel said, lamely.
"Thanks. You better go now." Buffy said.
Angel hesitated. Was Buffy being off with him?
"Sorry...I'll go." He said, placing the jacket down and walking out.
"Deadboy!" Xander called. Angel looked around. "Thanks...for whatever crazy reason you're being so nice...thanks."
Angel smiled sadly at Xander. "Anytime." He walked out, feeling nothing but a cold look. He hoped it was Willow's.
Something didn't make sense here.
*****
Xander was released two days later, with appointments with every kind of doctor known to man taking up every day from then on. He was finally completely discharged fifteen days after the accident.
His parents, as expected, had blamed him for the accident and forced him to get a job to pay for the medical bills. But all that was nothing new to Xander.
Something else was bugging him.
Buffy and Willow were looking after him...Buffy more so than anyone. She was mollycoddling him at every opportunity.
He hadn't seen Angel since his last visit and while that would have usually pleased him no end...he had the feeling something was missing from his memory that needed to be remembered.
He tried to work out why he wasn't more bothered about Angel's return. It hadn't even shocked him in the hospital. At first he'd put it down to drugs...those fuzzy feelings were never good for realistic reactions to things...but now? Now he had the biggest urge to go to Angel and demand an explanation.
That's if the vampire had one.
*****
"I was hoping you'd stop by." Angel said, as Xander appeared in the doorway.
"What don't I remember?" Xander asked, walking in and sitting down.
"What?"
"There's something...what is it?" Xander asked.
"Xander...I can't explain anything right now. You need to rest." Angel said.
"Fuck rest. I've done that none stop...now I want answers. You were more than nice to me in the hospital...you did way more than you should have done. Willow and Buffy think it's guilt for what happened with your soul...but you didn't do much to me. So why don't you give me a better reason."
"I can't."
"Don't fucking lie to me!" Xander yelled.
"Calm down." Angel said. "If you don't remember it...you don't wanna hear it, trust me." Angel told him.
"You were guilty for another reason, weren't you? Was it your fault?" He asked.
"Xander please..."
"Was it?" Xander demanded. "I saw you...didn't I? I saw you alive and freaked out. I ran off. You chased? Sound right? You chased me into the road?"
"No..."
"Then what?"
"You saw me." Angel said. "You came here and saw me...I saw you too. I ran after you. You didn't get far."
*****
"Xander, wait!"
"Stay away from me!" Xander cried, running desperately.
Angel caught him and held his arm, trying not to hurt the boy. "I'm not Angelus. Please...don't run away. Let me explain."
"Explain what?" Xander asked. "How you're here...Buffy said you were dead..."
"I was. She killed Angelus...sent us to hell. I came back..." Angel told him.
"Does she know?"
"Yes."
"I don't believe this." Xander yelled. "How could she?"
"Xander, calm down. Will you just hear me out?" Angel asked.
"No, fuck you."
"Please!" Angel begged. "Hear my side of the story and then you can do what you want. Just listen before you run off."
Xander hesitated.
"You got a crucifix?" Angel asked.
Xander nodded.
"Get it out, if you don't trust me. We'll go talk...I'll keep my distance I promise." Angel said.
Xander reached for it, surprised when Angel didn't try and stop him.
"You'll listen?"
"Five minutes deadboy, then one of us is dust and for you...it's the literal meaning." Xander said, threateningly.
*****
"I just listened?" Xander asked. "I actually went with you?"
"Well, I can be persuasive at times." Angel smiled.
"So I listened?" Xander asked.
"You listened. I explained everything...hell, Angelus, Buffy...guilt, regret. I told you everything." Angel said. "You even started to talk back. We had an actual conversation. First time ever I think."
"Wow. Shame I don't remember. Don't think that'll ever happen again...except maybe for now." Xander grinned. He suddenly stopped. "What's wrong with me?"
"What?"
"I'm acting all friendly round you. I don't like you. Why am I being like this?" Xander asked.
"I was just getting to that part." Angel smiled.
"Oh...well...hurry up. I need to know whether to book myself in at the local loony bin." Xander joked.
"You and I talked for hours. We didn't stop at Buffy...you told me about your parents."
"I did?" Xander frowned. "You sure?"
"Yeah. I told you about mine." Angel said. "I hadn't talked to anybody like that for a long time."
"This is so soppy. You saying we're best friends now?"
"Not exactly."
"Well, carry on..."
"You told me how you feel sometimes. How you're not worthy of Buffy or Cordelia. I told you you were...that you're very important to your friends." Angel said. "I did everything I could to make you feel better, because I used to be you...I was you until I reached eighteen. Then I started using alcohol and women to make myself feel better. I didn't want you to do that."
"You tried to make me feel better how?" Xander asked, almost knowing what was coming but not willing to let himself believe it.
"I kissed you."
Xander jumped off his seat and glared at Angel. "Bullshit."
"I did..." Angel said, looking away.
"And I ran...cause that's just weird. I ran and got run over. Well thanks for that deadboy..."
"Xander!" Angel interrupted. "You didn't run."
"What?"
"You didn't run." Angel repeated. "I know this is hard to hear because you don't remember it...but I do and it's hard for me too. I remember it and you don't..."
"Remember the kiss, right?" Xander asked nervously.
Angel didn't answer.
"Just a kiss, right?" Xander asked desperately.
"I didn't mean to take it further...but we'd both talked each other into a depressing mood...we were both feeling low...it just kinda happened." Angel said.
"No...it doesn't just happen." Xander argued loudly. "It does not happen. How could it happen?"
*****
"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have done that." Xander said, pulling away. "I'll go."
"Xander, I kissed you..." Angel told him.
"Yeah, well, I wan..." Xander broke off and looked away.
"Wanted to?" Angel asked.
Xander looked back at him, his eyes full of worry. "Obviously I never thought about doing that. I'm straight. I love Cordelia...I may have the slightest of crushes on Buffy...but I never wanted to...until I did...then suddenly I get the feeling I may have always wanted to...but never realised...you know?"
Angel smiled. "I know exactly what you mean."
"You...you wanted to too?"
"Maybe...a little." Angel admitted.
"Right...so...that was wrong. No more. Me and Cordelia...you and Buffy...who, by the way, you can't have sex with ever again." Xander reminded him.
"Right...not with Buffy. Buffy makes me too happy...no more sex with Buffy..." He broke off, leaving the silent question in the air.
"You could probably do it with someone you don't like." Xander suggested.
Angel nodded. "Yeah...I could...do it...with someone..."
"Maybe someone who annoys you. You know, so you don't get a chance to be happy." Xander suggested.
"Yeah. Maybe someone who's nothing like Buffy, so it can't remind me." Angel agreed.
There was a strong silence before they both looked at each other awkwardly.
"It's late, maybe I should...go." Xander said finally.
Angel looked disappointed. "Yeah...I'll, uh...walk you home."
Xander's eyes lost all hope at these words and he nodded. "Yeah."
"Uh, first...can I...we...talk some more?" Angel asked, losing his courage half way through.
Xander nodded. "We should...say goodbye...first." He found himself getting closer, leaning in.
"I probably won't get to see you much if I have to stay away from Buffy." Angel muttered.
"But I can come back, right?" Xander asked.
"Always." Angel got up the nerve and let his lips brush up against Xander's.
Xander allowed himself to kiss back. He tried not to think to hard and just concentrated on his rising lust at finally being able to kiss the vampire properly.
Angel felt Xander's hand rise to his chest, slipping inside his shirt. He felt Xander's lust and broke the kiss. "Are you sure?"
Xander was past caring now. He simply nodded and began to undress Angel desperately.
*****
"Oh please!" Xander snorted. "I did not!"
Angel sighed. "Whatever. You don't believe me...but you'll know soon enough."
"What's that supposed to mean?" Xander asked.
"I can smell your arousal, Xander...I know your body remembers...you will soon enough." Angel explained.
Xander hesitated. "I wouldn't have...not with you."
"If you don't believe me, leave." Angel said shortly. He hated this. Hated remembering what they'd done and knowing Xander would only blame him...that's if he could get the boy to believe him first.
"Why would you...with me?" Xander asked quietly.
Angel looked up at him, seeing a flick of acceptance in his eyes. "Because I wanted to. So did you. But I guess if you say it didn't happen, it didn't."
"I don't understand." Xander said, finally.
"What? The sex or the story?" Angel asked.
"How did I get run over if we were having sex?" He asked, almost cringing as he said the last word.
"After...I walked you home. We were both silent...didn't really have much to say. But half way there, you asked me if it had meant something or if it was a mistake." Angel explained. "I asked you what you wanted and you said you didn't know."
"And then?"
"And then I said it would be better if we didn't see each other for a while. I was afraid of hurting Buffy."
"Ooh, big mistake. Did I hit you?" Xander asked.
"No."
"Should have. That's not something a guy who just lost his virginity to you wants to hear." Xander said.
Angel frowned. "You didn't believe me a minute ago...now all of a sudden I'm the bad guy for using you?"
"You used me?"
"No! I was just making a point." Angel said. "Anyway, you did get upset. You ran off...told me to 'go fuck myself.'"
"Yay me." Xander grinned.
"Stop being so understanding. I liked it better when you didn't believe me." Angel moaned.
"I don't believe you." Xander said. "I'm still thinking it over. It's just hard not to get caught up in the plot, ya know?"
"I walked away after that. What could I do? You hated me...it was my fault. I heard a screech of tires and I ran after you. When I got there, you were on the floor in the middle of the road unconscious. The blood was everywhere. Even when you woke up briefly when the ambulance got there, you didn't know why I was there."
"That memory loss, huh? Bad timing or what?" Xander joked. He saw Angel's serious expression and sighed. "Look...I have no reason what so ever to believe what you just told me. But for some reason...I do. And yes, you are an ass hole for saying that to me, but it wasn't your fault. It was the driver...who I haven't had a sorry from. Where'd they go?"
"They weren't there when I got there." Angel said.
"I was in a hit and run? No way...the police want to know what happened?" Xander asked.
"Strangely enough, the police don't do their job properly round here. They asked me questions and I answered them...never heard from them since." Angel told him.
"Great." Xander mumbled. "My would-be murderer is still out there."
"I don't think anyone has any reason to kill you." Angel smiled. "You don't blame me?"
"Well, a little bit...but seeing as it seems we're a little closer these days, I'm not going to hold it against you." Xander said.
"You're taking this too well." Angel said, suspiciously.
"Well, you're weren't lying...I may not remember anything, but my body does." Xander explained. "So I'm gonna go with it for now. But...no kissing until I say so."
Angel smiled. "I promise."
Xander stood there, in silence, wondering what to say next. "You know...I don't remember us becoming friends, so we'd need to do that first anyway..."
Angel nodded. "Of course."
Xander looked at Angel's face and wondered what it had been like. "But then again, we've just done that...wouldn't you say so?"
"Definitely." Angel agreed. "I'd say we were at the friendship part."
"Okay...so now all we have to do it move on to the 'more than friendship' part." Xander added.
"Yeah." Angel nodded.
"But we can't anyway, because of Buffy, right?" Xander asked.
"Well, I just wanted to wait until I told her first."
"Told her what?"
"That things can't work between me and her. She already told me, but I got the feeling there was a small disclaimer at the bottom which said, she can start dating again but I can't." Angel explained.
"So you want to tell her before anything else happens?" Xander asked.
"I thought I owed her that much." Angel told him.
"That would mean telling everyone." Xander's eyes widened. "I can't do that! I'm dating Cordelia."
"You weren't going to tell her?" Angel asked.
"I wouldn't know...I can't remember." Xander pointed out. "I'm just not sure there's anything to tell yet."
"Right."
"If I tell her tomorrow, can we do it now?" Xander asked suddenly.
"Uh...I think that's okay." Angel replied, smiling as Xander finally gave up and pounced on him.
*****
Xander whistled as he walked up Buffy's drive and knocked on the door. He couldn't stop smiling, even through the periods of complete and utter shock at last night's events.
Buffy answered and looked at his expression. "What's up with you?"
"Nothing...just incredibly happy." Xander smiled, walking in.
"Are you taking drugs?" Buffy asked, following him.
"Yep."
She frowned.
"Medication." He grinned.
"And they make you happy?"
'No, fucking your boyfriend makes me happy.' Xander tried not to grin at his thoughts. "Uh...yeah...happy pills."
Buffy smiled. "Are you feeling okay now?"
Xander nodded. "Yeah...much better. Just a little pissed."
"You're drunk?"
"Off. Pissed off." Xander corrected her.
"Oh."
"I figured out last night that I was in a hit and run. You know what it's like knowing someone out there almost killed you and you don't even know who they are? The bastard just drove off...can't believe some people."
Buffy looked thoughtful for a second. "Yeah...sucks."
"So anyway, I came round to say thanks."
"Thanks?" Buffy asked quickly.
"For looking after me...you've been great." Xander said. He felt the guilt behind the words and hoped she didn't.
"Oh...right...no, not a problem. You're my friend Xander. I'd do anything for you."
There was a silence between them that neither could fill, so Xander nodded and smiled, before walking to the door. "I'll see ya round, Buffy."
"Yeah...bye Xander." She felt so awkward standing there now. Wanted to say something but couldn't. She dropped her head sighed.
*****
"Angel?" Xander called, feeling nervous about seeing the vampire again. Definitely in a good way though.
"You're early." He said, walking out from the shadows.
Xander smiled. "Yeah, well...I have something important to ask you."
"Go ahead."
"Am I missing anything?"
"What?"
"It's not all there, is it? I'm missing something and I need to know what." Xander explained.
"I've told you everything." Angel said truthfully.
"It's just...Buffy's acting weird." Xander said finally.
"I know."
"You do?"
"Before the accident, she was round here every night to check on me. The night in question she didn't show. The next time I saw her, at her house, she didn't ask where I was. She acted as if she had no idea I'd been anywhere...which she should have. Unless she had a reason to stop visiting me."
"You think she knows?" Xander asked.
"Perhaps."
"Then why is she being so nice to me? I mean, normal nice...if not a little too mothering." Xander said.
"When she told me her machine wasn't working...I wasn't sure, but it sounded too improvised." Angel said. "I think she knew. She knew where we were."
"But why wouldn't she come and see me? Or even tell Willow...how could she do that?"
Angel looked away. He didn't want to say it.
"I'm going to confront her." Xander said, his face hardening.
Angel stood. "That's not a good idea."
"I have to do this." Xander told him, walking out.
Angel chased after him, holding him back. "You can't...not alone."
"Then come with me." Xander suggested.
"I'm not ready to face her." Angel replied.
"And you never will be. You're still in love with her!" Xander accused.
"I can't help it." Angel said. "I'll always love her...but I don't want her. I want you."
"But you don't love me." Xander stated.
"You love me?"
"Hell no." Xander replied, shrugging Angel off and walking away.
Angel caught up with him again. "Xander, I don't know you. I can't just fall in love like that."
"Yeah, whatever. I gotta go." Xander replied, pulling away again.
"Wait." Angel grabbed him again.
Xander spun round. "What ya gonna do? Chase me into a road again?"
"I didn't..."
"Yeah, well maybe I don't believe you anymore." Xander hissed.
"I wasn't even around when you got hit." Angel reminded him.
"Witnesses? Uh...no. No one saw...I don't remember. Take your word for it? I don't think so." Xander snarled.
"But it was okay to believe anything last night, when you wanted something?" Angel asked, getting angry.
"I'm having doubts. No one's being straight with me. There's something I'm missing and I wanna know what."
"And you think I have the answer?" Angel asked.
"No, I think I do." Xander replied, walking off.
Angel groaned and ran after him. "What if the answer's not what you wanna hear? Then what?"
"I need to know."
"It could ruin everything." Angel warned him.
"Me and you? Trust me, it's already ruined." Xander said angrily.
"Then go to her. Ask her what's going on. See how much you get." Angel said angrily.
"You know something, don't you?" Xander asked.
"No...I just think I do." Angel said, walking away.
Xander stormed off in the opposite direction. He got a few feet before he changed his mind. He ran after Angel. "Wait."
"Change your mind?"
"I wanna know and I want you to be straight with me." Xander said, seriously.
Angel looked at him sadly. "I don't want to see you hurt."
"I don't want to see me go crazy...please Angel. If you really meant what you said about wanting me...then you'll tell me." Xander told him.
"I don't believe it." An angry voice said.
Xander's heart stopped as he turned around to see Buffy glaring at them from across the cemetery.
"Buffy..." Xander said; it was all he could say.
"My best friend and my boyfriend. What does it take to..." She broke off. "You're sick. Stay away from me the both of you."
"Buffy..."
"No, Xander. Lets talk this over." Angel said, pushing forward. "Shocked Buffy? You look it. Very shocked. I'd say angry was more the term."
"Duh." She said sarcastically.
"But not shocked. I wonder why that is?"
"Buffy...did you see us...before?" Xander asked softly.
She didn't answer.
"How about this Buffy...did you know about us...did you see us...did you know about the accident...did you care?" Angel threw the questions at her, hoping she'd break.
Buffy held back the tears that threatened to spill. "I didn't..."
"Did you get angry when you found out?" Angel asked. "Really angry? Vengeful even? Were you thinking as you took the car? Were you rational as you sped up, seeing Xander cross the road?"
"Angel, stop it!" Xander warned.
"I didn't mean to!" Buffy cried. "I couldn't think...you betrayed me, the both of you. My best friend...my male best friend...sleeping with my boyfriend!"
"Buffy?" It didn't register and he didn't want it to...but even as he looked into her pained eyes, he remembered the cold ones. Cold ones filled with rage as she ran into him. He remembered those eyes and looked at her, his own eyes filling with tears. "Why?"
That only made her break down further. "I'm sorry...I'm so sorry." She pleaded.
"I think perhaps you should stay away from us." Xander said, simply. "I don't want to see you again. And I'm pretty sure Willow won't either. Maybe even Giles. Or your mom."
Buffy clenched her jaw. "It was an accident."
"No, it was attempted murder. You're psychotic." Xander hissed back at her.
Angel saw the anger rising in her and moved to stop Xander.
"When I'm done, no one's gonna wanna have anything to do with you. You're fucked up." Xander yelled.
"Stop it." Buffy yelled back.
"What? Am I hurting you? Better be careful, next time I might not make it out the hospital alive."
"Might not even make it to the hospital." Buffy yelled, lunging at him.
Angel reacted quickly, batting Buffy away, protecting Xander. She glowered as she ran at him, stake pulled from her waistband...intent on killing him.
Xander panicked, afraid of what she'd do if he got close, but bound by a need to help Angel. He tried to knock her off him but ended up being shoved away.
Angel fought back, his strength still not completely returned after his trip to hell, but his will stronger than ever. He managed to grab her hand, stopping her from plunging the stake into his chest.
Xander got up again, and jumped on Buffy's back, trying to pull her off. He managed to roll her off, but ending up pinned beneath her. Angel took the arm with the stake and tried to get it off her. She was so intent on pulling away from him, that when she finally did, she didn't realise where her arm was heading until it was too late.
*****
Angel shoved her away, her shock giving him the opportunity to do so. He cowered by Xander, his fist clasping the stake buried in Xander's chest. He saw the pain in the boy's eyes and took his hand. "You're gonna be okay, Xander. Hold on. Just hold on for me, okay?"
Xander nodded, slowly, unable to scream from the pain because it hurt to breathe, let alone talk.
Buffy sat there, her eyes wide with tearful innocence. "I didn't mean to...I didn't." She sobbed.
"Get an ambulance." Angel barked.
She sat there, unable to move.
"Now!"
She staggered to her feet and ran off.
Angel could only pray she would do it.
He yanked the stake from Xander's chest and took off his jacket to cover the wound. He pressed hard, causing Xander to wince. At least he wouldn't die from blood loss.
They waited for minutes...Xander barely able to keep his eyes open...Angel talking softly of everything they were gonna do when Xander got out the hospital. He tried not to make him laugh, seeing the pain he was in, but he kept it light...he wouldn't let Xander give up hope.
When the ambulance got there, Angel watched with sick déjà vu as Xander was put onto a stretcher and placed in the van. Angel jumped in, by his side all the way.
*****
"Am I dead?" Xander asked two days later as he came around briefly.
"Not yet." Angel smiled, holding the boys hand.
"We're back here again." Xander mumbled. "You think I'm gonna do this often?"
"I think I need to take better care of you." Angel replied.
"Buffy?"
Angel hesitated. "She ran off."
"She did?" He wasn't sure how he felt about that.
"I know what she did was inexcusable...she had a bad temper...." Angel began.
"Yeah, I'd say so." Xander smiled.
"I don't think she ever meant to hurt you...she's just so caught up in herself sometimes...I don't think she takes rejection well."
"I don't care." Xander muttered. "She's gone. I'm not bothered if I ever see her again."
"Willow's been here a lot." Angel told him.
"She's okay with it? I mean, obviously she's not...but she's not mad at me?"
"Of course not." Angel replied.
"And Giles?"
"He's been here too. Feels guilty...says he knew her temper was bad but...he's going back to England soon. I don't think he can stay here now."
Xander nodded. "Cordelia?"
"She knows what happened. I explained. She was angry...threw things at me. But I think she understands now." Angel told him.
"Faith?"
"She's keeping control of the evil in town. I think she's happy Buffy's gone. She's sort of filled a gap...one I know can't be replaced easily."
"And you?"
"Me?"
"How are you?"
"Worried. I haven't slept...I don't think I've ever been so scared in my whole life. I really thought...you were so near death." Angel told him honestly.
"Would you have turned me?"
"Now...I say no. Then...in a heartbeat...uh, so to speak." Angel smiled.
"I dunno, think I'd be a good vampire." Xander said.
"Wouldn't be you though." Angel replied. "And I won't settle for anything less."
"At least I have my memory this time." Xander commented. "I'd hate to go through all that again, just to remember you."
"Don't worry, I'm gonna make sure you can't forget me." Angel grinned.
"I don't think that's possible, deadboy."
The End