A/N: If fanfics have proven anything, it's that almost every Harry Potter plothole has some loophole to explain it away. Indeed, I'd argue that there's only one big explanation that still alludes the collective fandom mind, and that's the naming of poor Albus Severus Potter. For, even putting aside issues of name-hogging, Al's moniker makes absolutely no sense. Even if the Potters went insane and their family thought it'd be a laugh, at least Neville would have hexed them for honouring the bullying git. Which isn't even mentioning the complications when you throw 'Albus' into the mix!

This fic isn't so much a story as a collection of various ways the Potters' middle child might have been named. To set the tone, I've started with an extremely plausible explanation: that a drunken night of Unbreakable Vows led to a horrified next morning realisation.

General Disclaimer: Not J.K. Rowling, not making any money, and not the creator behind a certain character's name.

It was a sunny, lovely morning. Blue skies shone above London, making the typically overcast city alight with an unusual cheeriness. Waves in the Thames were lapping, the birds were chirping, and the Potters were hexing their alarm clock for daring to ring.

Ten minutes later, James Sirius Potter's dulcet cries filled their townhouse. The adults, heads jammed under pillows, groaned in unison. A war of furious mutters and prodding arose under the sheet covers. Yet they found themselves in a stalemate, as neither could bring themselves to even squint into the light, let alone get up and deal with the fusing baby.

Jamie's screams reached a fever pitch.

Never one to lose anything, Ginny kicked Harry out of the bed. He stumbled to his feet, only half opening his eyes to the 'glaring' sunlight. Also not one to lose, he'd just turned to throw himself back under the covers when a thought occurred to him.

"Ginny?" His uncertain voice didn't sound like his. It was dry, strained, and wanted to get back to sleep even more than he did. It also, like him, clearly had a soaring headache. "Gin?"

"It's your turn." His wife mumbled right back, lying sprawled on the bed with hands clenched over her eyes. "You wouldn't believe the migraine I—"

"What, what happened last night?" Harry cleared his voice as he swayed, feeling a touch better but still off-balanced. Looking down, he was surprised that he was dressed in what he'd worn yesterday. A quick glance at his wife told the same story, as she was wearing a lengthy evening dress (though it was short at the moment, being hoisted over her thigh as her bare leg draped the side of the mattress). Jamie had quieted down, so the wizard figured he had a moment to figure out what was wrong. If something was wrong. That is, apart from their headaches…oh. Headaches. "How much did we drink?"

"Uhhh." Was her muttered answer. But then, after a pause, she slightly pulled herself up. Her fiery red hair was tangled over her face and her smeared mascara made her resemble a raccoon, but her dawning confusion and fright shone through. "Harry. Harry! Oh Merlin OUR BABY!"

Which made him spin around in a split second of panic, before remembering that Jamie had been crying not a minute earlier. Ginny couldn't be talking about him. But she also wouldn't refer to Teddy as a 'baby' and there was no other…

"Oh hell." Harry slowly sunk to the floor, eyes widening. He didn't even notice the annoyance of the bright morning sun. Just as their child's cries started up again, husband and wife exchanged a sleepy, hungover, and horrified gaze. "What have we done?"

While dragging themselves from the bedroom, blearily feeding Jamie, taking potions to aid their hangovers, and having a quick double shower (to conserve water, of course), the Potters tried to remember the previous night. Then, once they'd accomplished the last, they tried in vain to forget it. So it was that, by the start of breakfast, both had come to the queasy and reluctant realisation that this wasn't an issue they could pretend didn't exist.

"It's not that bad." Harry attempted to find a silver lining, pouring out two coffees as he did so. His knotted hair was practically standing on end, for not even a shower could tame the mess resulting from a groggy sleep and anxiously running hands. "After some memory charms and, I dunno, burning some ministerial documents, it will be like it never happened."

Ginny stared at her husband, tired annoyance clear. "Are you really that naive? As though an Unbreakable Vow can be—ow! Jamie, no biting mummy. No bitey! Bad, very bad."

"We'd all been drinking." Harry retorted as his wife adjusted their baby, who didn't pause in happily sucking/biting her. "Who knows if the thing took?"

"Clasped hands, thread of fiery red light—thanks, dear—" she gratefully took a coffee from him, drinking a healthy portion of it as some colour returned to her features, "yeah, I'm pretty damn sure it took."

"Language?" Harry said tiredly, plopping on the seat next to her. Ignoring his own drink his head fell to the table. Hands returned to grappling his hair.

"Damn's barely a swear," she replied, "and it's not like he understands anything yet."

"Fine then." Came the muffled groan. "So we're agreed that Firewhisky's effing evil and that Ron and George, the blasted gits, can rot in hell?"

"As long as I can kill them." Ginny grimly replied, her words in stark contrast to the funny faces she was making at her son as he unlatched himself from her. "After torture. Lots of torture; I'm thinking crucios. Would you like that, Jamie? Lots and lots of crucios? Yeah, you do! You do! Love, Jamie's smiling. That means he agrees, doesn't it you cutie liddle baby you!" She bounced her delighted child up and down, wiggling his nose with hers and cooing. "Yeah you do, you do! Cause mummy's always right."

Harry groaned again, pulling his head up just long enough to smile and stick his tongue out at his laughing son. Ginny correctly interpreted this as meaning her husband was in full agreement with her plan, torture and all. Thus, it was to this timid harmony that a silence fell upon the kitchen. Lingering tension remained, but the couple and their giggling child were now linked with the pleasant thought of homicide.

It was after a few minutes of this that Harry truly lifted his head up, his weary gaze meeting hers. "There's a simple fix. We don't have another kid."

"Hmm." Ginny replied, considering this. But her expression then turned ashen as another thought came to mind. "Harry. Harry! What if we have a girl?!"

His expression rapidly reflected her horror. "We'll, we'll lie. Yeah! Say her name's something else, not like anyone checks Ministry papers…?" He hedged off as his attention was distracted, for in response to their worried tones the small boy had begun to wail. "Jamie, don't cry. S'okay. Mummy and daddy just made a mistake. A really, really big mistake. Shh, buddy."

"Hah, 'a mistake'. We got drunk off our arses." Ginny muttered while rocking Jamie. He hiccoughed and began to calm down. Passing the still partly-upset baby to his father, she adjusted her bra back up and buttoned her shirt. "I'm not talking about birth certificates here. Last I checked, the Hogwarts list is magically updated and can't be changed. Those names are used for House Sortings and classes!"

Harry stilled, having forgotten this. Hugging a calming Jamie to him he fumbled for an answer. "They, they might be a squib. Or we can move. Why does our hypothetical child have to go to Hogwarts? Or we can bribe McGonagall—well, whoever's in charge then. Maybe they'll be easier to sway. See? Plenty of alternatives."

She gave a small whimper, imitating his earlier actions and plomping her head on the table. "We're so screwed."

He fidgeted, not ready to admit the truth of this statement. "We have some options." He desperately clutched onto this lifeline. "Because really, Jamie's fantastic. Why do we need another kid? Especially since we just ruined their hypothetical life."

"I wish you were being melodramatic. I really do." Ginny rolled her head up to peer at Harry in a simmering panic. "We both want more children. We can't dismiss that because we took a stupid vow!"

"Well, we could."

"We shouldn't." She huffed. "I know this isn't fair to our possible kid. I know that! But it'd be even more cruel not to have them because of this. I'm sure it'd be worse by at least a little bit. Right? Am I right? Tell me I'm right."

Harry shrugged helplessly. He didn't even become distracted by Jamie grappling for his glasses.

"We should be productive." Ginny at last straightened, nodding as though trying to convince herself of this. "We've already threatened my idiot brothers, so they won't talk. All we need now is a false story."

"A…story. For what?"

"For what will, in the future, possess us to name a poor child that." She held up a hand as he began to protest. "We can't tell the truth. The press would eat us alive for taking a drunken unbreakable vow. Far more importantly, I'm too scared to even imagine what mum's reaction would be."

"Or Hermione's." Harry couldn't suppress a shudder at these thoughts. "Fine, how are we supposed to explain this?"

Ginny bit her lip, thoughts spiralling. "The first name will be understandable enough, at least to the public. Honouring your mentor, a great wizard, yada yada. We'll just tell the family that I've, ah," she winced as though this hurt her to speak, "forgiven the manipulative, senile codger for trying to kill you."

"I wouldn't phrase it like that." A touch of amusement coming over Harry as he considered how ridiculous all of this was. "Either way, everyone's going to think you're an impostor."

"I'll tone down my annoyance with the old coot from now on." Ginny sighed, her scowl darkening.

"Good. Great." He looked down as he gently rocked Jamie, not comforted in the least. "We're ignoring the nundo in the room."

"There's a reason for that." She answered with frustration. "'Albus' is bad enough. How are we supposed to rationalise 'Severus'!"

"Haven't the faintest." Harry sighed, leaning back in his seat and adjusting his son. "You know, we really could stop with Jamie. Or adopting would be easy? I mean, I know it's supposed to be difficult, what with the red tape and waiting lists. But we're…well, us. I'd be absolutely, totally fine with playing the fame card for this."

"Shut it. I'm thinking." Fingers rubbed her eyes as she scrambled for an answer. Her next words came slowly. "Forgiveness. That's it. We, we want to make a statement about forgiveness."

"If that was really the case, we'd go with 'Thomas'." He replied bluntly, not buying it for a moment. "Look, we're overthinking this. Snape indirectly saved both our lives. Shouldn't that warrant a middle name?"

"He was a bullying git." Ginny said simply.

"Yeah. Course he was. But—"

"Neville will curse both of us when he hears."

"No, he…he…damn it." Harry sighed, not even able to pretend this wouldn't be the case. "We'll tell Nev the truth so he doesn't kill us."

"Obviously." Ginny answered. She frowned, moving her hands away from her face. "I have something. You won't like it."

He snorted, pulling Jamie close to him while gently moving his tiny hands away from his glasses. "I hate all of this. What's your idea?"

"Hear me out, it's brilliant." She scrunched her lips, thoughts spiralling. "You know how Snape was in unrequited love with your mum?"

Harry blinked. "Pretty sure I know, yeah. Haven't managed to repress it yet."

"Well," Ginny determinedly marched on, waving away his incredulity, "what if we found out it wasn't 'unrequited'? What if, then, the middle name is you honouring your previously unknown father?"

Silence swept the room.

Harry broke it by reflexively choking on air. Jamie giggled at his silly father, then used the distraction to grab his glasses.

"I mean," Ginny continued, seeing that her shocked husband was in no state to speak, "sure, you're the spitting image of James Potter. But Snape and your mum were both potions experts. I'm sure they could have brewed up a—I don't know, permanent glamour for their accidental kid. Is that a thing? Could it be a thing? Let's say yes. So, technically possible!" She tried to smile. "One illegitimate pregnancy and our hypothetical child's name is in the clear."

Harry remained frozen, gaping at her. He didn't notice that his son was slobbering on his glasses.

"You're joking." He at last stumbled out, bewilderment entangling every word. "You're—it's not—you can't be serious. Tell me you're still drunk. Tell me I'm drunk and hearing things."

"I think it's a great solution."

"Are. You. Mad?" Harry now gazed at the witch in undiluted horror. "It doesn't even help the bloody name!"

"It would explain it perfectly." Ginny replied stubbornly, a hint of amusement beneath her words.

"I'm not even answering that. You're mental. Completely mental—wait, Jamie, daddy needs those!" Harry made a mad grab for his glasses, only now processing that his son had 'stolen' them. The poor spectacles were now firmly wedged in the young boy's mouth.

"Don't let him chew on the metal. But, on that note, it's your turn to bite the beagle."

"Bullet. The word you're looking for is 'bullet'." He paused, both in his statement and in trying to gently pry open his son's grinning and full mouth. "At least, I hope it is. I'm not nibbling a dog…Jamie, don't chew on those!"

"'Bullet' then. Doesn't matter." She dismissed this correction to return to the bigger picture. "The general muggle phrase is right, yeah? You screwed up so you make the sacrifice. After all, you're the one who thought we needed a night off."

"So what?" He managed to retrieve his glasses and awkwardly wiped them off with one hand. This was made even more difficult as Jamie was frantically squiggling, trying to get back his new toy. "You're the one who invited Ron, thinking it'd be 'a nice start to a long weekend'. This isn't what I call nice!"

"Just having Ron would've been fine, especially if Hermione hadn't been swamped with work." Ginny narrowed her eyes as her frustration increased. "Except that you then got George to tag along."

"You brought the Firewhisky." Harry settled his glasses back on. He started to lightly bounce Jamie again, but this failed to get him to calm down.

"We both did! You're who started tossing around Unbreakable Vows."

"Don't lay it on me, you began that!"

"You did!"

"NO, YOU."

"YOU!"

"WWWWAAAHHH!"

"…perfect."

"Come on baby, it's fine. We aren't shouting. So stop fussing and—"

"WWWAAAHHH!"

"You're holding him wrong, give him here."

"I'm not holding him wrong!"

"WWWWAAAHHHHH!"

"He wants me, Potter. He wants to bite mummy's breast."

"Thought I was 'Snape' now."

"Seriously? I was obviously joking!"

"WWWWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!"

"…you know, one kid really wouldn't be that bad."

"Shut it and hand him over."

A/N: A tiny note for this chapter: Ginny's annoyance with Dumbledore on her husband's behalf is a small joke that appears in a number of my fics. If you don't understand the reference made to it without any background, I'm sorry and please dismiss it as an irrelevant inside joke.

Anywho, I'd like to make this 'story' a series of unrelated one-shots with each chapter showing a different reasoning behind Albus Severus' poor name. Would anyone be interested in this? I have a few ideas for chapters but I'd love any suggestions you wonderful readers might have!