"Long, handwritten note deep in your pocket
Words, how little they mean when you're a little too late
...
And time is taking its sweet time erasing you
And you've got your demons and, darling, they all look like me."
Taylor Swift / Sad Beautiful Tragic
He's back in the one place he's been trying to avoid. He left his jacket here earlier when he was saying goodbye to Slaughter after their case was finally closed, and it's warm out, so he didn't even think twice about walking out of the precinct without it on. Lucky for him, Kate is nowhere to be seen. His jacket is draped over his chair so he grabs it, about to head back to the elevator when a yellow sheet of paper on Kate's desk grabs his attention.
It's full of her handwriting, he can tell even from two feet away, and he glances around the bullpen again. He doesn't see her, but she never leaves things on her desk before she goes home, so she has to be in the precinct somewhere. Probably down in evidence or something gathering stuff for her trial.
He shakes his head, takes a step towards the elevator, but stops again, turning back towards the paper. The bullpen is quiet, so he'll hear the click of her heels when she comes back, right? He sits in her chair, tentative fingers reaching for the paper. When he sees his name at the top, he almost drops it. Is this- is this a letter? To him? With one last scan of the bullpen, he starts reading.
Castle,
Did you know I'm in therapy? His name is Doctor Burke. He's wonderful, has been helping me get past my demons so I can be better, be more than the shell of a woman my shooting left me as. One of the things he told me to do is write letters. Write them when I'm in pain, when I'm lonely, when I need to vent my feelings. I wrote you so many of these letters last summer when I missed you terribly. They're in a box somewhere in my apartment, but I don't read them. It was a dark time, and I'm trying to move beyond it.
I'm writing you this letter now because I need to get my feelings out somehow. You used to look at me like I put the stars in the sky, like you really do love me. I'm so sorry I've been lying to you about that all these months, about remembering. I was scared. Not of you, but of my feelings. Of all the possibilities that I might screw up our relationship and lose you for good. That's another thing Burke has been helping me with. He asked me what I'm more afraid of: that you won't wait for me, or that you will.
And now, after you've stopped waiting, I know the answer to that. I know that losing you because I made you wait too long hurts far more than it would after having been with you. Because at least I would know what it's like to truly be loved.
You're a wonderful man, and you deserve someone who makes you happy, who loves you endlessly. And I do. I do love you. More than you'll ever know. I was going to tell you after the bombing case, what with life being short and all, but that's when you must have decided that life is too short to wait for somebody like me.
I'll never forgive myself for doing this to you. To us. I really thought we could make it, Rick. I really thought that you would be with me when I knock down the last of these walls, but I can't really blame you, can I? All I've given you is a vague conversation on those swings. I've tried to show you that you mean as much to me as I hope I do to you, but I don't think I've done a very good job of it. For that, I'm sorry.
If you'll ever give me the chance, I will tell you all of this in person. And I'll make it up to you. I love you.
Always,
x Kate
He sets the letter down with shaking hands, taking a deep breath. She loves him. She lied to him, yes, but she loves him. And he hurt her. He went out of his way to intentionally hurt her when all he had to do was ask her about why she lied. And now- god, she thinks he's moved on. Love isn't a switch, he's easily learned that. All the Jacindas in the world won't add up to all that Kate is. He can't possibly move on.
He stands on shaky legs, grabs his coat and slips his arms through the sleeves, turns on his heel to go home, digest everything-
Kate. She's leaning against the wall, solemn eyes on him and he knows she saw him reading that letter. He says her name softly, an apology on his lips for invading something so private, but she's shaking her head at him.
"Don't say you're sorry," she tells him, pushes her body off the wall.
"I shouldn't have snooped."
"You didn't. Wasn't like I had it hidden very well anyways." She shrugs, gives him a smile that he knows she doesn't really feel.
"You love me," he blurts.
Her arms are crossed over her heart, protecting it, and she looks down, lets out a shaky sigh. "I do."
"I thought you didn't."
Her eyes snap to his. "I'm sorry. I just- I wanted to tell you I remember that day, but more time kept passing, and I didn't know how to tell you without hurting you. And I know I waited too long, but I'm just- I'm sorry."
"You didn't wait too long," he says, because he's not letting her go, not when he knows how she feels about him. "I still love you, Kate. I just- I heard you tell Bobby in interrogation that you remember every second of that day and I assumed you lied because you didn't want to tell me you don't feel the same."
"No, no. That's not it at all," she says, stepping towards him. They're having this conversation in the middle of the bullpen, but it's quiet right now. Everyone is either home for the night or on their dinner break. She doesn't really care anyways, just as long as she gets her partner back as more than just a partner. "I want this with you, Castle. I wish I'd never-"
He stops her, doesn't need her to repeat anything he already read in her letter and waste more precious time. He slants his lips over hers, sucking in her gasp of surprise, showing her his forgiveness. Her hands find his shoulders, sliding up into his hair while his linger dangerously low on her back, holding her tightly, not letting go again.
He breaks the kiss with a soft pop before he won't be able to anymore, brings a hand up to rest at her jaw, thumb brushing her cheekbone. She beams at him, eyes full of a joy he doesn't think he's ever seen on her.
Free. She looks free.
He hugs her, buries his face in her hair while he reassures, "You were worth the wait."
Sorry if you read this on tumblr already. I loved it too much not to post it here.
Reviews are highly encouraged and welcome. I'd love to know your thoughts.