A/N: So I should've done this about nine weeks ago, but, yeah, the Kingdom Hearts game parody that I've been vaguely hinting at for years is now up on ArchiveOfOurOwn dot org if anyone's interested in my continuing spiral into insanity. It's entitled Yet Another Parody Series: Kingdom Hearts I, it's already nine chapters in, and it's done entirely in script format as that's really the best way to parody something that is largely cinematic in style. As such, it will not be appearing on this particular website because Script Format Bad here. Stiiiill not sure why. But yeah, since author's notes by themselves are also taboo on this site, here's a dumb oneshot that took nine weeks to think of, was written in a day, and is utter garbage and makes no sense. YOU'RE WELCOME!

Disclaimer: If I owned anything that was ever created by Disney, Donald wouldn't exist, I'll tell you that right now. If I owned anything related to The Producers or How To Train Your Dragon…that would be sick as hell and my life would be amazing, but alas, it is not meant to be. Also earwax. (And now I have to add that I'm not JK Rowling. Fuck.) And if I owned anything that was ever created by SquareEnix, you bet your ass they would've released that HD remake of Final Fantasy IX by now. Yes, you read those Roman numerals correctly, what of it.

Oh, and I don't own that one internet meme. You know the one.

"DAMN IT!" Sora yelled as he crashed into yet another obstacle. "Was nearly there, too." He plugged in the code that would make them start back at Hollow Bastion. Beside him, Goofy wearily shook his head.

"Why are we doing this again?" he muttered as Sora chose, for the eighth time in a row, to use the warp hole to travel back to Traverse Town the long way.

"'Cause the Gummi Ship Collector is the only other trophy I need to Platinum the game," said Sora as he set off again, angling the Gummi Ship aptly named Dickbutt so that he wouldn't hit any of the oncoming Heartless ships, asteroids, or floating planks of purple, yellow and red that were inexplicably floating in space for some reason.

"Why is that a verb," Goofy murmured dejectedly. "And how did you even get Donald to agree to let you pilot the—Oh," he cut himself off, having noticed that Donald had frozen in place near the exit hatch. "Wait, you can cast spells other than Curaga and Aeroga on party members?"

"Prob'ly not," muttered Sora distractedly, casting Stopga on Donald once again. "But it's getting him to shut up for once, so I consider it a—FUCK!" he suddenly cried out. "Friggin' asteroid or meteorite or whatever the fuck. Now I have to restart the course again."

Goofy yawned.

"This is such a waste of time," he informed Sora. "Shouldn't we be saving the universe from being consumed by darkness or something? I thought we were gonna go through that pink door and defeat Ansem once and for all or whatever."

"Oh, we already did that," Sora commented idly, weaving through obstacles on sheer muscle memory alone.

"…What? How'd we manage that?"

"This game doesn't have a New Game Plus feature or Premium Adventure or anything like that," Sora explained. "It only has one last save point before the final boss. Anything that happens after that will only be recorded in our own memories if we move on to the next game in the serie—SHIT!" Sora let out a howl of frustration as he chose once again to restart the Gummi route.

"And…if we got the trophies for all the difficulties…" Goofy said slowly, "does that mean we already saved the universe three times or somethin'?"

"Yyyyyep," said Sora, carefully maneuvering the Dickbutt. "Now I'm just cleaning up some loose ends so I can just move on with my fucking life already."

"…On the hardest difficulty the game has to offer."

"It's the file I have the most done on and I don't want to do all the Gummi ship missions all over again!" Sora shouted as he once again hit something. "Fuuuuck…"

"So…This is the one where you have to make it back with no points and no damage?"

"Right," said Sora through gritted teeth. "So if I destroy any of the blocks that I keep crashing into because there's barely any space in between them, I'd get a point and the whole thing'd be useless."

"And what else do you have to do after that?"

"The one where I have to use one hundred gummi blocks and not take any damage, and…and the last two Atlantica ones…"

"Oh, you mean the ones where, even if you somehow manage to not fuck up, Monstro eats your face and destroys your progress?"

"…Thank you for summing that up—JESUS FUCKING SHIT CHRIST!" Sora bellowed as he took damage yet again.

"Is that why you tried putting him in front of Halloween Town in that other playthrough you did?" Goofy went on uncaringly.

"Yes," Sora spat.

"And what exactly happened then?"

"…Monstro kept eating my face."

"As I thought. So. Once again. Why the fuck are we doing this."

"I WANT THAT FUCKING PLATINUM. FUCK," Sora yelled, finally ragequitting in disgust. "Fucking forget it, it's never gonna happen..."

"Thank Merlin that's over," Goofy muttered under his breath.

"YEAH, YOU BETTER FUCKING STOP," shouted Donald; Stopga had finally worn off. "IF YOU EVER EVEN THINK ABOUT TOUCHING THOSE CONTROLS AGAIN—"

"Firaga," Sora muttered, utterly fed up with everything. He and Goofy then had their first meal in over eighty-one hours of bullshit. All was well.