"...Now where are they...huh." Stan braked the old Cadillac to a stop. Even for the tiny backwoods town that he called home, this middle-of-the-woods intersection seemed particularly desolate. There were only two lonely roads crossing one another, a rusted road sign, and the ubiquitous towering evergreens stretching out as far as the eye could see. As far as he could tell, he was the only soul there.

"Aw, c'mon." He dug a crumpled map out of the glove compartment. It was a mere twenty minutes ago that his great-nephew had called on Wendy's phone asking for a ride. If this was some kind of prank, and an uncreative one at that, then the kids were going to be sorry. The old man grumbled to himself under his breath. "This is the place, ain't it? So where the heck are-"

There was a sudden rap at the window. Stan looked up and was nearly spooked clean out of his wrinkled skin. The four haggard faces that wearily peered inside were a piteously far cry from the enthusiastic group that had trooped out just that morning. If anything, they reminded him of a pack of zombies. While he recovered from his shock, a bedraggled-looking Dipper opened the door and lead the way inside.

"H-hey." He grunt as he hauled his battered body into the passenger's seat.

"Th-thanks for picking us up, Grunkle Stan." Mabel gasped, flashing him a feeble ghost of a smile. Stan couldn't help but notice that her sweater was riddled with what looked suspiciously like claw marks.

"Uh...no problem." He cocked an eyebrow at the piteously sorry lot. "Um, so what happened to you guys today-WHOA! Hey, Wendy! What the heck?"

"Huh?" The battered teen looked down at the crude club in her hand, which consisted of nothing more than her bra tightly wrapped around a rock.

"Would you mind?" He grumbled impatiently while hastily averting his eyes.

"What?" Wendy grumbled. She made no effort whatsoever to stow it out of sight. "I needed a weapon."

"A weapon?" Questions were piling up fast in the driver's mind.

"It was a really good idea, actually." Dipper murmured in his friend's defense. He held up a similar contraption constructed from the ragged remains of his vest and a fist-sized stone. Stan just gawked dumbly from teen to tween. Not only were both these hastily made clubs unsettling in their own right, but each one was splattered with blackish-purple stains the likes of which he had genuinely never seen before, even in spite of all his long years.

"Kid…just what the heck happened today?" He demanded again.

"We had an adventure!" Mabel threw up her arms and whooped. The burst of enthusiasm proved to be incredibly short lived. Whatever adventure had just wrapped up, it had even managed to drain her near-limitless reserves of spirit, which was no small feat. She let her sore arms flop bag to her side and sagged in her seat like a rag doll. "Can we go home now?"

"But what happened-"

"You don't want to know." Dipper deadpanned.

"Kid, I'm not gonna-"

"You don't want to know." The boy was so tired he didn't even have the energy to be dissuaded by his great-uncle's tone.

"But-"

"Do not. Want. To know." He repeated. Wendy groaned as she collapsed up against the window.

Clearly, none of the exhausted adventurers seemed to be in any mood to talk. Even dwelling on their ordeal for just a little seemed to be out of the question, as was made clear by the way Mabel erupted a few moments later.

"Out, stupid new memories!" She started frantically slapping her head like she had water in ehr ear. "Out! Out!"

"Hey! Mabel, cool it! C'mon, chil!" Wendy had to restrain her. The mess of a girl settled down, heaved in a few deep breaths then curled up tightly against her friend. Wendy held her like a mother would her child.

"It's okay….it's okay, Mabes, it's over. You're okay." As she trailed off into a thousand-yard stare, it suddenly became hard to tell who needed the hug more. The teen shuddered violently. "We're okay."

Mabel whimpered piteously. "I want Waddles…."

"Okay, okay! Enough with the drama! We're going?! See?" Stan finally as they all wearily wished. He hurriedly flicked the ignition and soon they were on their way to the Shack. A pervasive silence hung heavily in the vehicle as all the passengers slouched heavily in their seats.

Despite their earlier pleas, Stan still couldn't help but continue to wonder what on earth they had gotten into. However, his still-lingering curiosity was finally quashed when he looked into the back and realized that Soos was wearing what suspiciously looked like a makeshift gown over the ragged remains of his usual shirt and shorts combo. Maybe the kids had a point. Maybe some things were far, far better left unsaid.

The Shack handyman noticed his stare, and broke out a welcoming smile. "I'd be happy to tell you what happened, Stan."

"Uh…."

"Well….I'm not a hundred percent positive, but I'm like pretty sure those crazy dudes living beneath the abandoned lumber yard wanted me to be their communal bride." The teddy bear of a man couldn't help but blush. "I had to admit, it was kind of scary, but in a way it was also kind of flattering. I really appreciated the group courtship dance that-"

Stan winced uncontrollably. His change of heart was now complete. "Soos?"

"Yeah?"

"In case you weren't just listening, I don't really wanna know…."