What You Leave Behind

Note: Set after the events of 1x06 "F.Z.Z.T.". Ward isn't affiliated with Hydra.

"Leo, you've been sat there silently for twenty minutes." The psychiatrist, Dr Young, said calmly. It took a moment for her patient to respond.

"I prefer being called Fitz. First names make me uncomfortable."

"But you named all your gadgets?"

"They're not names, per say, they're emotions, moods. Happy. Sleepy. Dopey. Anyway, that wasn't even my idea that was-"

Silence.

"Who's idea was it, Leo? Try and say her name." Dr Young said, leaning forward.

"...J-Jemma." Fitz choked, a tear falling down his cheek.

"How long has it been since you said her name out loud?"

"…Two months. Well, 57 days."

"And how did it feel to say it?"

"I didn't feel anything. I'm numb. I've been numb for...for..."

"...57 days?" Dr Young finished. Fitz nodded, wiping another tear.

"...You know, I don't want to talk about this. It can't change anything. Talking is words, and actions speak louder than words."

"Leo, you know the situation. Coulson himself instructed you to attend this session for an hour or you would lose your place at S.H.I.E.L.D. Do you remember that talk you had?"

"My memory works fine, thank you."

"I hope so, because I'd like you to tell me what happened 57 days ago."

"No."

"Leo, please. It really will help. You might as well cooperate since you have to be here anyway. Otherwise it's just a waste of time."

"Believe me, it already is a waste of time. Your whole profession is!"

Silence again.

"...I'm sorry, Dr Young. I didn't mean that."

"Yes you did, but that's fine. Everyone is entitled to their opinion. You've been through a tough time, but I know you're a man who believes in respect, yes?"

"Yes."

"Good. Okay then Leo, respect me now and cooperate, if you are able. 57 days ago...what happened?" Dr Young asked, scribbling down notes on her pad as she sat at her desk. Fitz took his time to form an answer, looking around the small room he found himself in. He didn't even know The Bus had such a room on it. Of course, if he was a higher level he would've been allowed access to it earlier and had discovered its existence. He was bewildered by Dr Young's apparent obsession with the colour brown; the uncomfortable chair he was sat on, the desk, the walls, the shelves. Everything was brown.

Brown's such a dull colour. Except...except for her hair. Her eyes. She made brown interesting.

"Leo?"

"Can you call me Fitz, please?"

"Of course, sorry. Fitz, what happened 57 days ago? Take your time."

"Well, um...there were these deaths occurring, crazy deaths. People were floating and creating a magnetic field around them. They'd been infected by a Chitauri virus that they caught from a helmet they kept as a souvenir, all these firemen. J-Jemma, she, uh...she caught the virus too. We tried manufacturing an antiserum and we'd managed to do it, but...but she didn't realise the serum worked. She, um...she..."

"It's okay Fitz. Take all the time you need."

"...She threw herself...she threw herself off the plane. No parachute, just her. She looked right at me as she did it. She looked so scared. I should've shouted louder so she could hear me. Ward...he, uh...he jumped after her but he lost sight of her. We never found her...her body." Fitz held his hand over his mouth to try and prevent himself from being sick.

"...And what happened next?"

"Well, um...well, my world fell apart then." Fitz choked.

...

"My notes from your colleagues say you called Jemma, um...Simmons? You called her Simmons more often than not, but you haven't during this session. Why is that, can I ask?" Dr Young questioned.

"We were a team for years and years. Fitzsimmons, that's what they called us. I was Fitz, she was Simmons. She's...she's gone now. She left me behind. We're not Fitzsimmons anymore; she's not Simmons. She's just...not here."

"And you said you feel...numb? Could you elaborate on that?"

"The first 24 days were the worst. I got up and for about twenty two seconds I'd forget that she wasn't there anymore. Then...oh, then I remembered. And I sobbed. Time after time. If I'm being honest, and I might as well be, I died with her. I don't know what I've become now. She defined me. She made life worth it. And now she's not here, I'm scared of who I am now. I'm scared of what she's left behind. I...I miss her terribly."

"I'm not on board very often, as I'm sure you're aware, but from what I've heard she was very much loved."

"She still is."

"I'm very sorry for your loss, Fitz. I can't imagine how you must feel. But, surely talking about it and getting those feelings out has helped?"

"...Not particularly."

"...I see. Why do you think that is?"

"Well, she's not here, is she?"

...

Fitz sat in Simmons' room, alone, with only the ticking of the clock on the wall reminding him he was still alive. There was a light knock and Ward walked in.

"Hey, buddy. Thought I'd find you in here." He said, taking a seat next to Fitz on the bed. He noticed Fitz was holding a small teddy bear in his hands.

"Was that hers?" Ward asked solemnly, and Fitz nodded.

"She'd had it since she was three. Her parents want us to send it to them." Fitz explained.

"...I know you're grieving, we all are, but I promise. You're gonna be okay." Ward said.

"I appreciate your concern, but we all know I'm never gonna be okay again." Fitz said before the tears returned for the millionth time and he found himself back in his sobbing state. Ward wrapped his arms supportively around Fitz and held the broken man close, trying his best to be strong for him. It was when Fitz roared in sadness that he cracked and silently cried alongside his friend.

Watching the scene on their CCTV display, monitoring Fitz at all times since Simmons' death, Coulson comforted a crying Skye, while even May couldn't hold back tears. She hadn't realised how attached she'd grown to her teammates; Simmons' death had hit her hard, and it broke her cold interior to see Fitz so lost.

...

Fitz opened the door to Coulson's office and sat down in front of Coulson's desk. Coulson sat forward.

"How're you doing?" He asked.

"With all due respect sir, I think you know the answer to that." Fitz replied.

"You know, when Ward jumped out after her...I thought she was safe. I had this whole speech prepared for her for when she got back on The Bus. Telling her how foolish she was to do that and how we'd hate to lose her. And then when we got the call saying...well, you know...it just didn't compute with me. It still doesn't. It just isn't fair, Fitz. It really isn't. There's no lesson here. There's no happy ending, nothing. She's just gone. She was kind and warm and beautiful. We all know that! She should be here now and I'm angry that she isn't and devastated that I didn't tell her how much we needed her. Not just because she was good at her job, because we all know she damn well was, but because she had something in her that gave us all hope. There are so many things that are gonna be left unsaid. 'You're a genuine person, Jemma'. 'I really do appreciate your hard work, Jemma'. 'You are an integral part of this team, Jemma'. -"

"-'I love you, Jemma'." Fitz said with a broken heart, a tear running down his cheek again. Coulson got up from his desk, approached Fitz and hugged him as he cried again.

"I bloody loved her, sir."

"I know, Fitz. I know."

…

The next morning, Fitz walked into the empty lab and heard his heart break all over again at the sight of her not being in there. He walked to his desk and saw a flash drive and a note there.

'Play the file on the drive; I found it in Jemma's room and decrypted it. You'll be happy I did. –Skye xxx'

Fitz plugged the drive into his laptop and opened the video file, and immediately Jemma's beautiful face filled his screen, enough to make him teary once more. He paused the video again before she even spoke to try and get himself together, noticing 'P.T.O.' written on Skye's note. He turned the note over and smiled slightly.

'I miss her too.'

Taking a deep breath, Fitz played the video.

"Right, good. Hello. If you're watching this you'll have found a set of encrypted flash drives in a small box in my wardrobe, which you'd have obtained by searching through my room in the...in the event of my death. I made one for each of you to make things simpler; I just wanted to do something for all of you just in case anything ever happened to me, and this one if for Fitz and Fitz alone, so make sure he's the one watching this, Skye! I know you'll be the one to decrypt this. Okay, is he there? Here goes."

Fitz paused the video again, already sobbing. He wiped his eyes once more and hit play.

"I won't lie, Fitz, this is my twelfth attempt to record this one, as you can probably tell by my red eyes. I saved you till last because, well, you probably know that you're always gonna mean the most to me. We've been on this journey together for so long, over a decade by each other's sides, and honestly...it's been a pleasure, Leo. Gosh, it's odd calling you Leo! I know we started out as rivals at the academy but we quickly became friends because we knew we were better when we were together, and that has never changed. I think you are the greatest man in creation, Fitz, with the greatest mind to go with it. You're my best friend in the world, and I only hope that if you're watching this I've already had the courage to finally tell you that I love you. Because I do, Fitz. I've been in love with you for so long it hurts. I wanted us to have wonderful adventures together with this crazy new team of ours then settle down and...well, who knows? I hope we had the chance to do all of that, Fitz. I really do hope I look a lot older when I die than I do on this video. I hope we had it all. If not, though, be safe in the knowledge that you were definitely the last thing on my mind as I left this world, and if I have the chance to I'll make sure you'll be the last thing I see. You're such a remarkable man, and I hope you can promise me that however I left this Earth you never lose the faith you have in people. It's one of the things I love most about you. Promise me that, Fitz. Hold on to that hope and never let go, just like I'll never let go of you. I'll be with you, always. Until the end. Even if you can't walk into the lab every day and see me there to wish you a good morning, know that I'm always there in you. I'm a part of you, Fitz, and you're a part of me. So while I go off and become something amazing in a new life, you become something amazing in the life you still have now. And spare a thought for me now and again, okay? But no matter how our story ends, know that its only one chapter of a larger book, and know that I will see you again, somehow. And I can't wait for that. I love you, Leopold Fitz. I wish you all the luck and monkeys in the world as you carry on without me. You may be lost and alone right now, but let everyone else still there find you again, and you'll be okay. Just make sure you don't lose your way, or I'll be very cross! You don't need me to be amazing, Fitz, not really. Just keep on going and remember all the good times we had. Goodbye, Fitz. See you again. Promise!"

Fitz wiped more tears away, gently pressing his hand to Simmons' face on the screen.

"I promise, Jemma. I love you." He whispered.

"Goodnight."