A/N: Here we are, the final chapter of the story. This fic was a lot of fun
to write, so thanks a lot to everyone who read and reviewed it.
At long last it was Christmas day, and the vampires arose early. Kain's sons were all excited, but Kain himself was less so.
Raziel: Happy valentines day everybody!
Zephon: It's Christmas day Raziel.
Raziel: Whoops, I just got a bit confused. You see, I had this dream about me and Ariel last night...
Kain: Shut up Raziel. It's present opening time! Since I'm the most important, I will open mine first. Okay, this one's from Vorador.. oh it's a bottle of blood. What a surprise. It's only what he's given me every year for the past few centuries. Okay, next is from Janos. I don't have much hope for this one either... yes, it's a bottle of blood as well.
Janos and Vorador stand at one side looking rather embarrassed.
Kain: Next is Magnus' present... a bottle of blood! Thank you ever so much Magnus, this is the best present anyone could have gotten me!
Zephon: Hee hee wait 'til he sees ours. He'll be proven so wrong.
Magnus: I live to serve you Kain.
Turel: Yes, well, you don't really 'live' do you Magnus? Honestly, I thought you'd at least be able to grasp hold of such a small concept.
Melchiah: I've never heard it called that before.
Kain: Okay, finally my present from my sons... what the hell is this?
Kain holds up his tie for everyone to see.
Turel: It's a tie! We knew you'd like it.
Kain: I hate it.
Turel: No need to thank me.
Melchiah: Thank you? It was from all of us!
Kain: I hate you.
Vorador: Oh come on Kain, there's nothing wrong with it.
Kain: It's PINK with yellow spots! I can't wear this!
Turel: Wait, that's not all Kain, Ottmar threw in these as well!
Turel hands him a pair of reindeer antlers.
Turel: You can wear them on your head.
Turel then hands Kain a light-up red nose. Kain throws his tie, antlers and red nose at Turel.
Kain: YOU wear them you stupid shit. Honestly, it's just one disappointment after another.
Turel gets on his hands and knees, close to tears, scrambling desperately trying to pick up the presents.
Turel: I did the best I could.
Melchiah: Will you stop taking all the credit! It was a joint effort!
Turel (sobbing): I couldn't have done any better.
Melchiah: WE! WE!
Kain goes off to sulk while everyone else opens their presents from each other and from Santa. Once they are finished, they hear a noise coming from the roof of the house.
Santa: Ho ho ho, merry Christmas!
A jolly fat man falls down Kain's chimney.
Santa: Ow, that really hurt. I think my ass-bone is broken.
All: SANTA!
Santa: Ho ho ho, did you all like the presents I got for you?
Vorador: No Santa, they were shit. Why the hell did you give me a Sarafan Lord doll?
Santa: Ho ho ho, the doll-maker was making them cheap this year. Anyway, I was on my way back to the north when my sleigh broke down, so, I was wondering, can I join you all?
Vorador: Wait a minute - you're not Santa!
Santa: Yes I am. Ho ho ho!
Vorador: You're Moebius dressed up as Santa!
Moebius: Eep.
Moebius is beaten up then thrown out and the door slammed behind him.
Ariel drifts into the room.
Ariel: Why did Kain not wake me with the rest of you?
Kain strides in.
Kain: Piss off, no-one got you anything anyway. How would you open it? How would you touch it? Why would anyone want to buy you a present even if you weren't a ghost?
Raziel: Actually, I brought Ariel a flower.
Raziel opens up the flower he wrapped for her.
Raziel: But um, it's died. I didn't buy it like that, I swear...
There is a knock on the door and Kain goes to answer it. It's Umah, who ignores Kain and walks on in.
Kain: Who invited Umah?
Rahab: It was me.
Kain: Because I'm going to rip them into pieces for being so stupid as to invite that slut round here.
Rahab: Me-lchiah. It was Melchiah.
Umah: And a Merry Christmas to you too, Kain.
Kain(mocking): And a Merry Christmas to you too, Kain! Piss off Umah.
Umah: I hope you don't mind, I brought my new boyfriend over.
Kain: I mind that YOU'RE here as well as him.
The Sarafan Lord walks in.
Sarafan Lord: Howdy folks! Happy Christmas!
Kain: You slut, Umah! How could you leave me for him!
Kain runs off covering his face. Dumah and Rahab go after him.
Dumah: Are you okay dad?
Kain: I'm fine. It's just... oh, I still love her!
Rahab: It's okay dad...
Kain: We had some great times together!
Dumah: Let it all out.
Kain: We went to a bird sanctuary!
Dumah: What's so great about that?
Kain: IT JUST WAS!
Throughout Nosgoth, whether for good or bad, everyone was surrounded by people close to them. Except Moebius., who had returned to his time-chamber alone. He had no presents and no food. He pulled a Christmas cracker by himself, read the joke, then put on his party hat, sat on a chair by himself and wept softly.
Moebius: They'll all be here any minute now, saying they were just kidding and they want to spend Christmas with me.
He sat for an hour.
Moebius: Any minute now.
At Kain's, Christmas dinner was served. Raziel sat looking a bit dejected since he couldn't actually eat anything. He looked round at Ariel and considered devouring her soul. Mmm... she'd be so tasty, he thought. Then he snapped out of it when Rahab shoved a bit of food in Raziel's jaw, only for it to fall and hit the floor.
Kain: I'm not wearing it.
Janos: But you have to, Kain. It's traditional.
Kain sighed and put on his party hat. It was pink with yellow spots.
Zephon: It matches your tie! Go and put that on as well.
Kain: Perhaps I could put you outside the house instead.
Turel: Who remembers the time I saved the world from the giant ants?
Kain: Be quiet Turel. Say, Magnus, do you remember the time you helped me defeat the Hylden?
Magnus: Yes master. It was nothing master.
Turel: Oh shut up Magnus, you are such a bragger. I'm the number two vampire in Nosgoth, not you!
Kain: Everyone, I have an important announcement to make. I am promoting Magnus to my second in command replacing... well, whichever one of my sons was second before. This promotion is effective as of now. So, how does it feel to be the number two vampire in Nosgoth, Magnus my friend.?
Magnus: It is an honour master.
Turel (mocking): It is an honour master, make love to me master, I'm so great just because I can fight a bit master, I'm number two master BATES!
Kain: What did you just say Turel?
Turel: Nothing - that was Magnus! YOU ALL HEARD IT WAS HIM NOT ME!
Vorador: Perhaps you could serve us desert, Kain?
Turel: My mouth was full the whole time so it could not have been me.
Turel bursts into tears.
Turel(whispers): I'll get you Magnus.
Raziel: What is it that you are going to get Magnus, Turel?
Turel(hissing): Be silent you fool.
Kain goes to get a Christmas pudding.
Turel: Er, while we're waiting I just have something that I'd like to show Magnus. If you'd like to come this way Magnus.
Raziel: I'll come too.
Turel: No you won't sit down NOW! I'm still the number three vampire in Nosgoth you know!
Turel takes Magnus away somewhere. Kain comes back with the pudding.
Kain: Here we are.. where is Magnus and... whoever it is that is missing?
Somewhere nearby...
Turel: ...so you see Magnus, Kain wants you to stick your head down this cannon.
Magnus: I will do whatever Lord Kain wishes!
Magnus sticks his head down the cannon.
Back at Kain's...
Kain: What was that noise?
Sarafan Lord: Probably nothing.
Kain: Grr, you will be silent in my presence.
Turel arrives back.
Turel: Awful news! Magnus is dead!
Kain: No! What happened?
Turel: W-w-what are you inferring? I have done nothing. There are witnesses who know I WAS NO-WHERE NEAR HIM WHEN HIS HEAD GOT BLOWN OFF!
Dumah: Oh well, let's not let anything ruin today, eh? How about we sing a song to remember him? Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, but the very next day...
Janos bursts into tears.
Vorador: Dumah, you know not to mention hearts around Janos. It's a very sensitive subject for him.
Kain: Well, in light of Magnus' death I have no choice but to make Raziel my second in command.
Turel: WHAT?
Raziel: I refuse to do it. I hate you and your empire too much.
Turel: Phew.
Kain: Rahab, it'll have to be you then.
Rahab: Whoo-hoo!
Turel: Come outside a minute Rahab, I'd like a word...
Moebius sits alone, crying, when there is a knock on his time chamber door. The Elder God bursts in wearing a Santa hat on his head and riding a sleigh.
Moebius: Elder God! I knew you'd come, I knew you wouldn't forget about me! Let's party!
Elder God: No, I don't have time for that, the thing is, that's MY chair you're sitting on, and I need it back.
One of the Elder God's tentacles grabs Moebius' chair and Moebius falls as it is yanked out from under him. The Elder God rides away and Moebius lies face down on the floor crying.
It was Christmas evening now, and even Kain was a bit happier than usual. Magnus had somehow survived the cannon blast and had been re-instated as the number two vampire. Turel was down to fifth and sliding fast. But he vowed to climb back up there. No matter what it took. The group sat round in a circle uncomfortably. Kain had dozed off and was muttering in his sleep.
Kain: I love you Umah... we're going to be together forever...
Umah: My, look at the time, we really should be on our way.
Sarafan Lord: Yes, thanks for having us.
Umah and the Sarafan Lord leave as Kain wakes up.
Vorador: Well Kain, thanks for having us. We'll see you again next year.
Kain winced.
Kain: Oh well, it's a year away, I'm sure that's enough time to come up with a plan to get out of it.
Vorador: There's only one more thing to be said Kain.
Kain: I don't want to.
Vorador: Come on! All together now!
All: MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!
Kain: Now all of you get the hell out of my home.
THE END
At long last it was Christmas day, and the vampires arose early. Kain's sons were all excited, but Kain himself was less so.
Raziel: Happy valentines day everybody!
Zephon: It's Christmas day Raziel.
Raziel: Whoops, I just got a bit confused. You see, I had this dream about me and Ariel last night...
Kain: Shut up Raziel. It's present opening time! Since I'm the most important, I will open mine first. Okay, this one's from Vorador.. oh it's a bottle of blood. What a surprise. It's only what he's given me every year for the past few centuries. Okay, next is from Janos. I don't have much hope for this one either... yes, it's a bottle of blood as well.
Janos and Vorador stand at one side looking rather embarrassed.
Kain: Next is Magnus' present... a bottle of blood! Thank you ever so much Magnus, this is the best present anyone could have gotten me!
Zephon: Hee hee wait 'til he sees ours. He'll be proven so wrong.
Magnus: I live to serve you Kain.
Turel: Yes, well, you don't really 'live' do you Magnus? Honestly, I thought you'd at least be able to grasp hold of such a small concept.
Melchiah: I've never heard it called that before.
Kain: Okay, finally my present from my sons... what the hell is this?
Kain holds up his tie for everyone to see.
Turel: It's a tie! We knew you'd like it.
Kain: I hate it.
Turel: No need to thank me.
Melchiah: Thank you? It was from all of us!
Kain: I hate you.
Vorador: Oh come on Kain, there's nothing wrong with it.
Kain: It's PINK with yellow spots! I can't wear this!
Turel: Wait, that's not all Kain, Ottmar threw in these as well!
Turel hands him a pair of reindeer antlers.
Turel: You can wear them on your head.
Turel then hands Kain a light-up red nose. Kain throws his tie, antlers and red nose at Turel.
Kain: YOU wear them you stupid shit. Honestly, it's just one disappointment after another.
Turel gets on his hands and knees, close to tears, scrambling desperately trying to pick up the presents.
Turel: I did the best I could.
Melchiah: Will you stop taking all the credit! It was a joint effort!
Turel (sobbing): I couldn't have done any better.
Melchiah: WE! WE!
Kain goes off to sulk while everyone else opens their presents from each other and from Santa. Once they are finished, they hear a noise coming from the roof of the house.
Santa: Ho ho ho, merry Christmas!
A jolly fat man falls down Kain's chimney.
Santa: Ow, that really hurt. I think my ass-bone is broken.
All: SANTA!
Santa: Ho ho ho, did you all like the presents I got for you?
Vorador: No Santa, they were shit. Why the hell did you give me a Sarafan Lord doll?
Santa: Ho ho ho, the doll-maker was making them cheap this year. Anyway, I was on my way back to the north when my sleigh broke down, so, I was wondering, can I join you all?
Vorador: Wait a minute - you're not Santa!
Santa: Yes I am. Ho ho ho!
Vorador: You're Moebius dressed up as Santa!
Moebius: Eep.
Moebius is beaten up then thrown out and the door slammed behind him.
Ariel drifts into the room.
Ariel: Why did Kain not wake me with the rest of you?
Kain strides in.
Kain: Piss off, no-one got you anything anyway. How would you open it? How would you touch it? Why would anyone want to buy you a present even if you weren't a ghost?
Raziel: Actually, I brought Ariel a flower.
Raziel opens up the flower he wrapped for her.
Raziel: But um, it's died. I didn't buy it like that, I swear...
There is a knock on the door and Kain goes to answer it. It's Umah, who ignores Kain and walks on in.
Kain: Who invited Umah?
Rahab: It was me.
Kain: Because I'm going to rip them into pieces for being so stupid as to invite that slut round here.
Rahab: Me-lchiah. It was Melchiah.
Umah: And a Merry Christmas to you too, Kain.
Kain(mocking): And a Merry Christmas to you too, Kain! Piss off Umah.
Umah: I hope you don't mind, I brought my new boyfriend over.
Kain: I mind that YOU'RE here as well as him.
The Sarafan Lord walks in.
Sarafan Lord: Howdy folks! Happy Christmas!
Kain: You slut, Umah! How could you leave me for him!
Kain runs off covering his face. Dumah and Rahab go after him.
Dumah: Are you okay dad?
Kain: I'm fine. It's just... oh, I still love her!
Rahab: It's okay dad...
Kain: We had some great times together!
Dumah: Let it all out.
Kain: We went to a bird sanctuary!
Dumah: What's so great about that?
Kain: IT JUST WAS!
Throughout Nosgoth, whether for good or bad, everyone was surrounded by people close to them. Except Moebius., who had returned to his time-chamber alone. He had no presents and no food. He pulled a Christmas cracker by himself, read the joke, then put on his party hat, sat on a chair by himself and wept softly.
Moebius: They'll all be here any minute now, saying they were just kidding and they want to spend Christmas with me.
He sat for an hour.
Moebius: Any minute now.
At Kain's, Christmas dinner was served. Raziel sat looking a bit dejected since he couldn't actually eat anything. He looked round at Ariel and considered devouring her soul. Mmm... she'd be so tasty, he thought. Then he snapped out of it when Rahab shoved a bit of food in Raziel's jaw, only for it to fall and hit the floor.
Kain: I'm not wearing it.
Janos: But you have to, Kain. It's traditional.
Kain sighed and put on his party hat. It was pink with yellow spots.
Zephon: It matches your tie! Go and put that on as well.
Kain: Perhaps I could put you outside the house instead.
Turel: Who remembers the time I saved the world from the giant ants?
Kain: Be quiet Turel. Say, Magnus, do you remember the time you helped me defeat the Hylden?
Magnus: Yes master. It was nothing master.
Turel: Oh shut up Magnus, you are such a bragger. I'm the number two vampire in Nosgoth, not you!
Kain: Everyone, I have an important announcement to make. I am promoting Magnus to my second in command replacing... well, whichever one of my sons was second before. This promotion is effective as of now. So, how does it feel to be the number two vampire in Nosgoth, Magnus my friend.?
Magnus: It is an honour master.
Turel (mocking): It is an honour master, make love to me master, I'm so great just because I can fight a bit master, I'm number two master BATES!
Kain: What did you just say Turel?
Turel: Nothing - that was Magnus! YOU ALL HEARD IT WAS HIM NOT ME!
Vorador: Perhaps you could serve us desert, Kain?
Turel: My mouth was full the whole time so it could not have been me.
Turel bursts into tears.
Turel(whispers): I'll get you Magnus.
Raziel: What is it that you are going to get Magnus, Turel?
Turel(hissing): Be silent you fool.
Kain goes to get a Christmas pudding.
Turel: Er, while we're waiting I just have something that I'd like to show Magnus. If you'd like to come this way Magnus.
Raziel: I'll come too.
Turel: No you won't sit down NOW! I'm still the number three vampire in Nosgoth you know!
Turel takes Magnus away somewhere. Kain comes back with the pudding.
Kain: Here we are.. where is Magnus and... whoever it is that is missing?
Somewhere nearby...
Turel: ...so you see Magnus, Kain wants you to stick your head down this cannon.
Magnus: I will do whatever Lord Kain wishes!
Magnus sticks his head down the cannon.
Back at Kain's...
Kain: What was that noise?
Sarafan Lord: Probably nothing.
Kain: Grr, you will be silent in my presence.
Turel arrives back.
Turel: Awful news! Magnus is dead!
Kain: No! What happened?
Turel: W-w-what are you inferring? I have done nothing. There are witnesses who know I WAS NO-WHERE NEAR HIM WHEN HIS HEAD GOT BLOWN OFF!
Dumah: Oh well, let's not let anything ruin today, eh? How about we sing a song to remember him? Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, but the very next day...
Janos bursts into tears.
Vorador: Dumah, you know not to mention hearts around Janos. It's a very sensitive subject for him.
Kain: Well, in light of Magnus' death I have no choice but to make Raziel my second in command.
Turel: WHAT?
Raziel: I refuse to do it. I hate you and your empire too much.
Turel: Phew.
Kain: Rahab, it'll have to be you then.
Rahab: Whoo-hoo!
Turel: Come outside a minute Rahab, I'd like a word...
Moebius sits alone, crying, when there is a knock on his time chamber door. The Elder God bursts in wearing a Santa hat on his head and riding a sleigh.
Moebius: Elder God! I knew you'd come, I knew you wouldn't forget about me! Let's party!
Elder God: No, I don't have time for that, the thing is, that's MY chair you're sitting on, and I need it back.
One of the Elder God's tentacles grabs Moebius' chair and Moebius falls as it is yanked out from under him. The Elder God rides away and Moebius lies face down on the floor crying.
It was Christmas evening now, and even Kain was a bit happier than usual. Magnus had somehow survived the cannon blast and had been re-instated as the number two vampire. Turel was down to fifth and sliding fast. But he vowed to climb back up there. No matter what it took. The group sat round in a circle uncomfortably. Kain had dozed off and was muttering in his sleep.
Kain: I love you Umah... we're going to be together forever...
Umah: My, look at the time, we really should be on our way.
Sarafan Lord: Yes, thanks for having us.
Umah and the Sarafan Lord leave as Kain wakes up.
Vorador: Well Kain, thanks for having us. We'll see you again next year.
Kain winced.
Kain: Oh well, it's a year away, I'm sure that's enough time to come up with a plan to get out of it.
Vorador: There's only one more thing to be said Kain.
Kain: I don't want to.
Vorador: Come on! All together now!
All: MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!
Kain: Now all of you get the hell out of my home.
THE END