100 Ways to Lose A DADA Professor

Disclaimer: Harry Potter and all characters within it belong to JK Rowling. This is a parody, just for fun, not for profit.

1

"Okay, class, now what is the incantation for the Killing Curse?"

"Avada Kedavra!" they all answered in unison.

Thud.

"Perhaps he should have instructed us to put our wands away before asking that question….?"

2

"Ah, Messieurs Weasley, such a thoughtful gift. 'Canary Crème's' you call them? Delightful. Now, class we will be discussing defense against dark creatures."

The professor opened a cage. Out stepped a large, feline creature with huge tufted ears and a lion-like tail.

"This…is a kneazle. Kneazles are category XXX according to the Ministry for Magic, and are thus controlled creatures when not interbred with other species. To the average witch or wizard, they pose little danger, which is why we are dealing with them here in Second Year.

"That said, there may be instances when it may be necessary to immobilize a kneazle, which is what we shall be covering in this class. There is a simple incantation to keep this sometimes dangerous creature under control, and I'll be teaching that too you as soon as I try these wonderful treats the Weasley twins have gifted me with."

"Um professor, you might—"

Gulp.

3

"What was it you said to me just before we left the Three Broomsticks last Thursday?"

"Nice try, Alastor, but we weren't at the Three Broomsticks together last Thursday."

"CONFRINGO! Wrong answer!"

Moody glared down at the corpse with the shocked expression on its face. Then he spit on it.

"Idiotic Death Eaters. And that is why we practice Constant Vigilance!"

"Um, Alastor," Sirius said, "I think it was me with you at the Three Broomsticks. And you told me, 'Remember, Constant Vigilance' if I recall correctly."

"Oh, yeah…"

4

"We lost Hedwig, Alastor Moody, and Fred's ear. But Harry arrived at the Burrow safely," Molly said solemnly

"Despite our losses," McGonagall said, "it was all worth it to see Harry safely from Privet Drive."

"I still don't get why we had everyone disguise themselves as me and fly off on brooms." Harry shook his head. "Why didn't we, you know, just apparate from inside the wards around the house before they fell?"

Molly and McGonagall blinked, their mouths opening and then closing again.

5

"Don't worry, Minerva," Albus Dumbledore said, "the new professor will have no trouble this coming year. I sent him over to get all the class notes from Remus just now."

"Albus, you did tell him about Remus's condition didn't you?"

"Of course not, Minerva, that is none of his business. Who Remus tells about his lycanthropy is up to him."

"But, Albus…it's a full moon tonight!"

6

"Do you have any idea what a map of Hogwarts could do in the hands of dark wizards?" the DADA professor growled at them, waving the Marauders Map around like it was a flag. "Now, tell me how this parchment works."

"Well," James begins, "you have to tap it with your wand and say… 'I solemnly swear'—"

"—on my life and my magic—" Sirius interjected with a straight face.

"—that I'm up to no good," James finished.

The professor gave them a righteous glare. "You may have made this to aid you in performing your pranks and avoiding authority, but I'm going to use it to hunt down every miscreant in the school and see to it that all the shenanigans and ridiculousness comes to an end!"

He tapped the parchment and repeated the Wizard's oath the pair of Marauders had just told him.

7

The new Defense Against the Dark Arts Professor hurriedly picked up his briefcase, papers scattering to and fro. Frantically, he snatched them all up and stuffed them all in his case.

His first day. It was just the first day and he was already going to be late. He'd miss the Sorting and even the feast at this rate. He needed to get to Hogsmeade ASAP and then find a way onto school grounds.

He grabbed a pinch of Floo powder and threw it down, green flames leaping up. He took a last look at his watch. 6:35pm?

"Oh hell!"

The flames turned from green to red.

8

"The mandrake, or mandragorus, emits a high pitched cry that can be fatal to anyone who hears it," Hermione recited.

"Very good, Miss Granger. Five points to Gryffindor. Now, everyone, put on your magical ear muffs. They will protect you from the effects of the mandrake while still letting you hear my instructions." Miss Sprout pointed to the school issued magical protection used for this class.

The students all put on their protective headgear.

"Now, on three, everyone pull out your mandrake and re-pot it in the enchanted growth soil. One—Two—Three!...Oh, professor Redshirt, I didn't see you standing there!"

9

"You, you are all insane!" the wild-eyed professor said. "A three-headed dog, a man-eating plant, and a mountain troll! Why in Merlin's name would you ask me to go through all of that?"

"Calm down, Professor, it is all perfectly explainable. And you are, after all, still alive," Dumbledore said consolingly.

"This is a school, by Nostradamus! Why would you put that anywhere near children?"

"First of all, it was something of a final test to see if you are ready to be our next Defense teacher, which clearly you are. Second, it is a test of the puzzles to see if they are strong enough of a deterrent. We will be keeping a certain artifact here for Mr. Nicholas Flamel, an old associate of mine if you were not aware, since arrangements in Gringotts seem unsatisfactory."

"Well, it's all certainly lethal, but…"

"Splendid. What did you think of the chess set?"

"Chess set?" the new Defense professor asked. "I didn't get that far. After I got to the potions bit, I couldn't get any further."

"At least you managed to figure out the clue to get back out," Severus said with a roll of his eyes.

"Well," the new professor rubbed the back of his head. "I'm not exactly good with potions or puzzles. So, I just drank all of them until the flames blocking the way back went away."

"Oh, dear," Dumbledore said.

Snape counted down. "And 3, 2, 1…"

10

The man grinned. This was his first chance to meet his new coworkers.

'The Halloween Party for the Order of the Phoenix is located at 11 Grimauld Place' the note said. He wasn't sure if it was a costume party, or "fancy dress" as the Brits called it, but he definitely planned to make a bang of a first impression.

What amazing luck to land a job at a place like Hogwarts right out of university. It didn't matter that there was supposed to be some anti-Muggleborn prejudice in the UK, he could handle it for the money. And it meant they probably hadn't heard the Scream series of movies over here with them not being overly keen on either Americans or Muggles. So, it would make his entrance to the party EPIC!

The new DADA professor put on his Ghostface mask, kicked open the door and yelled surprise.