"No, don't eat that!" the disembodied soul of Dipper Pines yelled. But it was too late. Dipper saw the shining black body of a cockroach disappear into his own mouth, as the maniacal demon Bill Cipher crunched down with satisfaction.

"I love flavors," Bill said with glee.

Wendy, Soos, and the ersatz Dipper had arrived at the theater a couple minutes early, and were loitering around outside before Mabel's puppet show started. Bill had been impatient with how long the preparations for the show were taking, restlessly picking at scabs and poking himself in the eye. He'd noticed a half-eaten hot-dog in the nearby trashcan, and scarfed it up. Something about the meaty, preservative-laden flavor had flipped a hedonistic switch inside of him, for he was now rooting through the trash and shoveling anything even vaguely edible in his mouth.

Dipper floated back to distance himself from how gross Bill was being with his body. The people around him were also shying away, hurrying to the opposite sidewalk to avoid the strange kid eating everything he could get his hands on. Only Wendy and Soos were still tolerating the weirdness.

"Woah there, Dipper," Wendy said with concern. "I know Stan is a skinflint, but I didn't think he was starving you guys. If you're really that hungry, I can buy you something before the show."

Bill stopped chewing the scenery to raise his strangely slotted pupils to Wendy's face.

"Oooh, she makes me tingly in the pants. No wonder you like her so much, Pine Tree."

"What was that?"

Dipper careened into Panic Mode. No way was that little yellow jerk ruining his relationship with Wendy! His mind raced, thinking of ways to minimize the damage.

"Hey Bill," Dipper said in a sing-song tone, "you know what else is fun? Spinning in circles! You could see stars." If he was lucky, Bill would throw up and decide that bodies were too much hassle.

"That's a great idea!" Bill turned Dipper's head 180 degrees, then spun around his body to follow. Now even Wendy was backing away from the guy doing a perfect imitation of The Exorcist.

"Dude, sick yoga trick," said Soos. "Who's your instructor?"

"Whee!" Bill staggered around dizzily, arms flopping back and forth. "I can't walk straight!" He swayed back and forth, ramming into a streetlight. He looped an arm around the pole, but overcompensated and flopped on the street.

Straight into the path of a bus.

The panicked bus driver slammed on the brakes, far too late. Helpless, Dipper watched as his shirt was caught under the tires, pulling the rest of his body underneath. The full weight of the bus ran over his stomach. With a grind and a squelch, a wave of liquid sprayed from underneath the tires like the car had driven through a deep puddle. Only this time, the puddle was blood.

The bus finally skidded to a stop. Dipper floated low over his mangled body. The sight would have made him sick if he'd still been corporal. Half his face was now ground meat. Teeth were sprinkled on the ground. And worst of all, his torso had been torn from his legs, spilling viscera onto the asphalt.

Bill leaned back with dilated pupils and a deranged grin on his face, as if he'd just ridden the world's best roller-coaster. Ignoring the severity of the massive organ trauma he'd just been subject to, he playfully squished Dipper's exposed intestines. "You've got lots of guts, kid! Get it?"

"Oh my god, Dipper!" Wendy ran to Dipper's side. "Please, just hold on until the medics come," she said with a quiver in her voice. She bent down and gently held his hand in a comforting gesture. Bill took advantage of the moment to grab Wendy by the hair and give her a big smooch on the lips. Wendy pushed him away with disgust, a smear of red on her mouth.

"Wowza, is she a kisser! Ahahaha!" Bill's insane cackling turned into a gargle as his lungs filled with blood. "Getting pretty dark now. Is this what it's like to fall asleep?" Dipper's body slumped backwards. His head fell to the ground, blood leaking out of the mouth.

In a flash, Bill was ejected out of Dipper's body. He tried to reenter but could only manage to move it in jerky twitches. Soos leaned over Dipper's convulsing body, but was slapped by a misbehaving hand. Finally, Bill gave up on repossessing the dead body.

"Wow, this body stinks. They just don't make 'em like they used to," said Bill, ignoring the tapestry of human tragedy below him. "I didn't even get to bathe in boiling oil." Dipper fumed in impotent fury.

"Bill, you've gone too far this time! You killed me, I mean my body, I mean me!" Dipper gestured wildly at his own corpse.

"What are you gonna do, kid? Wave your noodle arms at me?"

"I-I-" Dipper looked down at the gathering crowd. Wendy frantically dialing her phone, lips still stained with red. Soos was attempting to tape Dipper's torso to his legs. He need to tell his friends that he was still present, in a sense.

Before he could do so, a shadow fell over Dipper from behind. Dipper turned around to come face to face with a skeletal figure in a black robe carrying a scythe. The Grim Reaper.

I HAVE COME FOR YA' SOUL, MON

"No, no, no, I'm too young to die! There are so many things I haven't done yet. I never got to kiss anyone who wasn't a fish!"

"Yes you did."

"I never got to experience it!"

YA SHOULD HAVE THOUGHT OF DAT BEFORE YA GOT RUN OVER. NOW HURRY UP. I'VE GOT A SOAP TO CATCH.

Dipper looked around in desperation.

"Bill, you've got to help me!"

"Now why would I do that?" Bill examined his hand nonchalantly. "Your body had the gall to up and die while I was wearing it."

The reaper impatiently looked at his pocketwatch.

LOOKS LIKE I'M GOIN' TO HAVE TO DO DIS DA HARD WAY.

The reaper used his scythe to slash a dark portal open below Dipper. Inky tentacles of blackness writhed out of the portal, grabbing Dipper by the ankles and dragging him down. Dipper scrambled to grab something, anything. His hand caught Bill's leg, and he clung to it with all his strength.

"Please, Bill, I'll do anything!"

"Anything?" Bill's eye narrowed and he clasped his hands together. "Hold on, Grim." The tentacles stopped pulling.

WHAT IS IT. I HAVE A TIGHT SCHEDULE.

"No you don't. Here, catch." Bill threw a cell phone at the Reaper. It jammed in his eye socket, where the Reaper pried it out.

IT'S THE NEW EPISODE WHERE CHRISTINE GETS JILTED AT THE ALTAR! AND THEN HER WATER BREAKS!

"Yeah, yeah. Don't click any ads." Bill grabbed Dipper by the scruff of his jacket and pulled him free of the black tentacles. Dipper kicked one for good measure. It recoiled and retracted back into the portal.

"Now, what can you do for me?" Bill said, scrutinizing Dipper's face.

"I'm smart! I know lots of things! Two plus two is math! The capital of Paris is France! I have a birthmark in the shape of the Big Dipper on my forehead!"

Bill lifted up Dipper's bangs. His black hand was freezing against Dipper's forehead.

"So you do. But that's not enough for me. With you dead, think of all the tears I could harvest!"

"I'll do all your dirty work. You must have some, I don't know, dream floors to mop, dream trash to take out." Dipper widened his eyes until they were watering circles and quivered his lips, begging Bill to accept his offer.

"Dirty work, huh. And an obedient slave? I like it!" Bill extended his hand, wreathed in ghostly blue fire. "Let's shake on it."

Dipper reluctantly reached out his hand, remembering the last deal he made. Below him, he saw Mabel burst out of the theater and run towards his mangled body. She shook his torso in melodramatic fashion and shrieked to the gods. Moments before their palms touched, Dipper jerked back his hand.

"Wait! You can't make me hurt Mabel. Or Grunkle Stan, or Wendy, or-or any other human."

"Is this really the time to be BARGAINING?" Bill said, voice deepening at the last word.

"Those are my terms. If I had to hurt Mabel, I'd rather go to Hell!"

"You have some real backbone to be standing up to me." Bill said, gesturing to a piece of spinal column that had been ejected out of Dipper's body. He hummed, and thought. Dipper glanced at the reaper, who was engrossed his show, and at Mabel, sobbing into his body's bloody shirt.

After a few more agonizing moments, Bill came to a decision.

"I'll make it work out. I still have lots of plans to fit you in." Bill reached out his hand again. Dipper closed his eyes and grasped the demon's black palm. What had he gotten himself into this time? Out of the frying pan, into the blast furnace.

The hand he touched was still as cold as before, but was now wreathed in flickering blue flame that sizzled like boiling oil. The pain traced down his arm and onto his back. Dipper didn't have to have eyes on the back of his head to tell that a mark in the shape of a triangle with an eye was being seared into his back. Bill crinkled his eye in satisfaction, and waved to the Reaper.

"Hey, Grim, I'll sponsor this kid's existence."

NO, CHRISTINE! DON'T FALL FOR THAT SCALAWAG RUDOLPH'S CHARMS!

"Keep the phone. But you're paying for the data." The Grim Reaper, still gazing intently into the screen, vanished. Dipper held his breath until it disappeared completely. Wait, did he even have lungs anymore?

Bill summoned his cane and twirled it around.

"You know, you could have just escaped the underworld yourself and become a ghost."

"Wait, what?"

"Yeah, the barrier is as leaky as a 12-year-old's summoning circle. Spirits escape all the time. With as much unfinished business as you have, you'd have broken out lickety split."

"You mean I sold my soul to a crazy, evil demon for nothing."

"Yup. Them's the breaks."

"Nooooooooo!"

"That's the spirit! Now let's go. We've got a lot of work before the Big Day."

"Can't I at least tell everyone I'm okay, er, sort of?"

"Visitations are a privilege, not a right. Now lets go!" Bill hooked his cane around Dipper's neck and popped out of the earthly plane.

A/N: Please follow/fav/review. If you liked my fic and have an Archive of Our Own account, consider inviting me. I hear that's where all the cool kids hang out nowadays.

Edits 3/7/15: Added some context to the first couple of chapters. Man, I really need a beta reader.