Final chapter! Whew!


Its two weeks to the day when he seeks Clarke out. He's been avoiding her. He jumped at the chance to go on a weeklong hunting trip two days after she came to him in the guard tower with his PTSD diagnosis, needing both the space from Clarke who he knew would hover and the time to digest everything she said about PTSD. He's been back in camp a few days now, his mind made up, but duties have kept him from acting. The cold has really set in now, and their latest council meeting was postponed because of the need to finish preparing for winter. He's spent every moment he isn't on guard duty or in a fitful sleep chopping firewood, smoking meat, and finishing off the last of the cabins. It's time though. He can't keep putting it off.

He finds her in the medical bay, treating a young boy with a deep cough. He doesn't say anything, but waits for her to acknowledge him. She's so absorbed in the child that she doesn't hear him enter the room. It's the boy's look of both curiosity and something akin to wonderment that gets her to look over her shoulder. She lets out a startled sort of gasp at the site of him, standing just inside the doorway, his arms crossed as he waits patiently.

"Hey," she says, acknowledging him. He nods once.

"When you have a minute…" he jerks his head towards the door and then motions towards his chest so briefly and covertly that Clarke would have missed it if she didn't know him so well.

"There's an empty room two doors down. I'll meet you there in just a minute." He nods his understanding and leaves the room. Clarke turns back the child. "Arian, I want you drink this tea." She passes him the concoction she had made a few minutes earlier. "Drink all of it, okay? It's not going to taste very good, but it will help your cough. I'll be back to check on you in a few minutes, deal?"

"Deal," Arian replies with a nod. She starts towards the door. "Miss Clarke?" Clarke stops and turns back to the boy. He's no more than eight, one of the surviving Ark members. His father volunteered to be a part of the culling. His mother had been badly injured during the Ark's landing, but had pulled through. She has grown fond of him since his arrival, having seen him so often while his mother was recovering.

"You have to drink it," she tells him, aware that the mixture really did taste awful, despite its healing qualities.

"I know," Arian replies, making a face. He will do anything she tells him to. She helped save his mom. "I just wanted to ask… Is Mr. Bellamy okay?" Clarke smiles softly at him. She knows he looks up to Bellamy. She's seen him following Bellamy around, even trying to mimic some of Bellamy's actions. She hopes he holds onto the manners his mother has instilled on him, however.

"Mr. Bellamy is okay," she says. "He just needs to talk to me for a minute." Satisfied, Arian nods, freeing Clarke to leave. Her heart is pounding when she enters the room she sent Bellamy to, expecting to find him mid panic attack. He's leaning on the medical table in the room, his hands gripping the bed. She's surprised to see he looks fine, his breathing perhaps a bit shallow, but otherwise steady.

"I did pushups," he tells her. "They helped. They did the first time too." Clarke frowns.

"Pushups?"

"You said to do something to distract myself when I feel an attack coming on. I do pushups."

"I know what I said," Clarke replies. She takes a few steps closer to Bellamy. "When was your last panic attack?"

"I haven't had a full on panic attack since you came to the guard tower," he admits. She hears a note of pride in his voice. "I nearly had one that night, trying to process everything you told me about PTSD. When my chest started to tighten, I hit the floor and started doing pushups. That helped. I didn't have one. Then, I went on the hunting trip. I had a few nightmares, but other than that, it was good, being out in the woods." He pierces her with a look that sends goose bumps up her spine. Whether they're good or bad, she doesn't know.

"And today?" she prompts. Bellamy bites his bottom lip for a moment.

"Today, I decided it was about damn time I did something," he says with a note of conviction that reminds Clarke of the Bellamy she knew before things came crashing down around them. "I started towards the medical bay and my chest started to tighten. I was nervous. So, I did pushups. Right in the middle of camp. Miller joined me. He seemed to think I was trying to prove something. For the record, I did more pushups than him." Clarke rolls her eyes out of habit Bellamy smirks out of habit. She has to fight not to grin too. He's coming back to her.

"I'll have to find you a trophy," she quips." He shakes his head.

"No trophy needed, Princess."

There go the goose bumps again.

"What do you want, Bellamy?" she asks. He opens his mouth to reply, but thinks better of it.

"You have to get back to Arian," he says. "And I need to get back to helping finish up the last of the cabins."

"One of which better be yours," Clarke interrupts. Bellamy has continuously turned down more permanent housing in favor of letting others have real roofs over their heads. He was one of the last still sleeping in a tent.

"One of them is mine," he confirms. "Which is all the more reason to get back to helping." He pauses, swallows down the nerves that have bubbled up in the last few moments. His voice is softer when he speaks again. "Will you meet me in an hour? At the gate? There's something I want to show you."

Clarke is hesitant when she nods.

"I'll see you there."

Bellamy smiles. A real, genuine smile. Clarke can't remember the last time she saw him do that.

"I'll see you there," he echoes. He winks at her and is gone before she can say another word. She blinks her eyes and gives her head a little shake.

What the hell just happened?


He's waiting for her when she walks up to the gate. He looks nervous, his hands shoved in the pockets of his jacket as he watches her make her way to him with careful eyes.

"Hey," she greets, unsure of what else to say. He gives her a faint smile.

"Hey," he replies. He glances up at the sky. "You ready?"

"Where are we going?" she counters.

"I want to show you something," Bellamy replies, repeating his words from earlier.

"Outside of camp?" Clarke realizes. It's cold and dark is rapidly approaching. It comes much earlier now, winter practically upon them, although both the grounders and the calendar tell them it's not officially winter yet.

"We'll be back before dinner," Bellamy promises. "It's not far. Just a twenty minute walk. We need to leave now though."

Clarke eyes him suspiciously, but allows him to lead her out of camp. They aren't stopped by those on duty, because of their positions on the council, along with the fact that Bellamy is their boss. One of them is Miller. He raises an eyebrow, but doesn't say anything.

"You're warm enough?" Bellamy asks a few minutes into their walk. He's cataloged the fact that she's wearing a jacket and has a few layers on under that.

"I'm fine," Clarke confirms.

They walk on, their path sloping uphill. As the climb starts to grow steeper, Clarke thinks she knows where they are going. What she doesn't know is why. She lets Bellamy lead the way, the pair walking in a comfortable silence. She is aware of his covert glances, making sure she's okay, that she's still with him.

Several minutes later, they arrive at the overlook, just as Clarke had suspected. It's one of her favorite places, and she knows it's one of Bellamy's favorites too. They found it separately, in the first days of being at Camp Jaha. It has a breathtaking view of the gentle mountains, the river flowing through the valley below them. The vivid fall colors are all but gone, the leaves now on the ground. It should be depressing, the drab colors of winter. But, Clarke finds it beautiful.

Bellamy takes a seat on a tree trunk he rolled into place after finding Clarke in his spot. He hadn't been surprised to find her there. She had a way of penetrating his life, his heart. Why not his favorite spot, too? He had joined her without a word, sitting side by side on the ground, both of them lost in thoughts they didn't bother to share with the other. The next time he came, alone, he rolled the log into place so Clarke no longer had to sit on the ground.

Now, as she sits down beside him, he feels some of the tension in his shoulders leave. Not all of it. Not even most of it. But, enough for him to feel the difference. Clarke waits. He brought her here. He needs to tell her why. The sun is sinking rapidly and without any real warning, the sky is suddenly a burst of hot pinks and bright oranges. The scene is so beautiful it nearly takes her breath away.

"Do you remember when you asked me what my favorite color is?" Bellamy asks, his own eyes on the sunset. Clarke looks at him. She can see the last colors before nightfall reflecting in his eyes.

"That was forever ago," she remembers.

It was three days after their reunion at Camp Jaha. They were on guard duty overnight, and they were struggling to stay awake. She started asking him questions. His favorite book. Favorite food. Favorite memory of Octavia. He had played along, glad for the distraction from how heavy his eyelids felt. She asked about his favorite color and just as he was about to answer with a generic "blue," thinking in that moment about the shade of Clarke's eyes, their replacements had shown up. Instead, he grinned and said "I'll tell you another time." Another time had never come.

Until today.

"It was," Bellamy agrees. He shakes his head. How had so much time passed? He nods towards the sunset. "That's it," he tells her. It takes a moment for Clarke to figure out what "it" is.

"The sunset?" she asks. Bellamy nods again.

"The sunset," he confirms. "We didn't see colors like this on the Ark. We only ever saw darkness when we looked out the window."

"There were stars, planets," Clarke reminds him. It was a spectacular site, just in a different way than the one unfolding in front of him.

"True. But they were always the same, you know? They orbited the same route, time and time again, just like the Ark. But down here, no two sunsets are the same. No two sunrises are the same. They aren't always vivid and bright like this one, tonight. Sometimes, they are more gray and blue. I like that they are always different." He turns to Clarke then. "That night, when you asked, I was going to tell you blue. I was thinking in that moment about your eyes, how blue they are. But, that wouldn't have been the truth, at least not entirely. Sunsets are my favorite color. Not because they change every evening, but because they mean we made it another day. We fought through another day and, with luck on our side, we'll get to wake up and do it again the next day."

Clarke doesn't know what to say. She's left speechless at Bellamy's admission. She hopes he will never stop surprising her with his observations about the world around him. Bellamy takes her silence as an invitation to continue. He has a few things he needs to say and he wants to get her back to camp before it gets too late, before they miss dinner.

"I spent a lot of time thinking when we were out hunting, especially after we set up camp for the night. There's not much else to do once night falls. I would lay on the cold ground, and just look up at the sky, thinking. There was one night after a particularly stunning sunset, when it all clicked into place."

He takes a deep breath. He has lost count of how many times he has stood before his people, using his words to inspire, to convince them he was leading them down the right path, that they would not fail if they followed him. He has never been as nervous as he is right now. He is about to make the speech of a lifetime. Clarke waits, letting him gather his courage.

"I have PTSD," he states. "I'm always going to have it. It explains a lot of the things that are happening to me – the panic attacks, the nightmares, the guilt." He stops and shakes his head. He doesn't know where the courage to take her hand comes from, but he does. It feels good, having her hand in his again. "PTSD explains a lot. But, I won't allow it to be the reason I broke your heart." Clarke looks at him.

"You were getting too close," Bellamy continues, aware of Clarke's eyes on him. "It scared the hell out of me. I was having all these feelings I have never had before. There I was, trying to stay alive, trying to keep you and Octavia and everyone else I care about alive, and right in the middle of it, I fell in love with you." Bellamy sighs and runs a hand over his face.

Clarke remains quiet, giving Bellamy the chance to work out what he's trying to say. She knows this is hard for him. She knows he doesn't like to talk about feelings and things that make him uncomfortable, yet here he is, putting himself on the line. She can't help but squeeze his hand gently to let him know she's there. She's listening.

"I handled it all wrong. I made some stupid, stupid decisions. I pushed you away, and then I did the one thing I knew would ruin everything. I should have been honest with you. I should have told you what I was feeling. I needed time, space, I don't know, to get my head together. Instead, I broke your heart." He looks at her. His eyes are brimming over with emotion. He squeezes her hand. "Losing you damn near killed me. Knowing I've hurt you… I've been through hell and back over and over again since we landed on this damn planet, but that? That's my own person hell that I have to live with. I did this. I won't blame it on PTSD. I won't use that as an excuse for what I did to you."

"Bellamy…," Clarke starts. Bellamy squeezes her hand again.

"Please, Clarke, can I finish?" he asks. Clarke nods and falls silent again. Bellamy takes a deep breath. "I fell in love with you the day you helped Atom. I saw you for who you are in that moment. Kind, compassionate. I didn't realize I loved you at the time. There was too much going on with just trying to survive to face things like falling in love."

"None of us could fall in love at a time like that," Clarke says. Bellamy raise an eyebrow. He can't help himself.

"You fell in love with Finn." Clarke gives him a sad smile and shook her head.

"I loved him," she said. "But, I wasn't in love with him. I told him I loved him right before I killed him, but I didn't love him the way he loved me. I let him think I did though. He needed that in his last moments."

"You still felt something," Bellamy says gently. "And that's more than I could do at the time. I couldn't face the way I felt until you escaped from Mount Weather. Having you in my arms, finally, after thinking I had lost you, that was the moment I couldn't deny what I felt any longer."

"I realized how I felt that day, too," Clarke admits. Bellamy only nods.

"The thing is, I never thought I was good enough for you. I still don't think I'm good enough for you. I do the wrong things. I make the wrong decisions. You're the light to my dark. I was afraid of ruining you." He pauses. "I was afraid of the day when you opened your eyes and saw me for who I really am." He lets out a short laugh that lacks humor. "And then, you saw me for who I really am."

This is isn't going like he planned. When he found her earlier, he had intended to come clean, apologize over and over and ask for another chance. He was prepared to beg if he had to. Instead, he was falling back into old habits, putting himself down, not allowing himself to believe he is worthy of love, of Clarke. She knows what he's doing, however, and squeezes his hand again.

"Bellamy, you are the best person I know," she tells him. He scoffs and shakes his head, but she pushes on. "You love and you protect. You care and lead. Frankly, your tendency to sacrifice your own well-being for the sake of others keeps me awake at night. I don't like that you're so willing to cause me to live in a world without you in it. I also know that you wouldn't be you if you weren't throwing your body in front of mine or Octavia's or some kid whose name you don't know, but the fact that they are one of your people is enough to sacrifice yourself for them.

"You have made mistakes," she continues. "I'm not going to pretend you didn't. I'm not going to pretend that you didn't break my heart." She takes a deep breath. "I'm also not going to pretend I don't still love you."

Bellamy looks at her then. He has taken in every word she's said, but this is the first time he feels any sort of hope bubbling up. Some of his courage comes back.

"I'm so sorry, Clarke," he says. "Hurting you… I'm going to have to live with that for the rest of my life. But, if you will let me, hell, even if you won't, I'm going to do everything I can to make it up to you."

"Lincoln was right," Clarke tells him. Bellamy raises an eyebrow in confusion. "When the two of you were sitting with Octavia right after her surgery, he said you still loved me. You agreed." Bellamy nods, remembering. "And then, he told you I still love you, I just don't trust you. He's right. At least, he's mostly right."

"What do you mean?" Bellamy asks. There's a sense of weariness in his voice. Clarke can feel his anxiety rising as he waits for her answer.

"I love you, Bellamy," she states. He closes his eyes briefly. They have never said those words, exactly, to one another. He wanted to say it first, but it patches a part of him back together to hear her utter the words. "I trust you with my life. Completely and totally. But…," she hesitates. Bellamy closes his eyes again, sure he's not going to like what's coming. "I don't trust you with my heart. Not right now, after… everything."

He's right. He doesn't like it. It hurts like hell to hear her say out loud what he already knew.

"I know," he tells her. Her hand is still in his. "I love you, Clarke." He hears the little gasp that escapes her at just the same time her hand squeezes his again. The hand squeezes are easy, a step towards one another to show affection. It's now that he realizes he can't remember the speech he had planned. He's going to have to wing it. So, he speaks from his heart.

"I know you trust me to protect you, to have your back, and stand beside you. I will readily and willingly put my life before yours, whether you like it or not. I also know I hurt you. I broke your heart and I lost your trust. I have to earn that trust back. And I will, Clarke. I promise you, I will." Clarke nods.

She has a decision to make. She can walk away, go back to camp and keep pushing forward, with Bellamy as her partner, but without Bellamy as her other half. Or, she can give him the chance he is asking for. She can risk her heart again.

In the end, there isn't a decision to make at all.

She made it when she agreed to meet him at the gate.

"It's just me, Bellamy," she tells him. "No one else. Just me." Bellamy understands what she's saying. He's getting his second chance with her. She's telling him it's her and only her, from now on. He drops her hand, but puts his arm around her waist, pulling her into his lap.

"It's always been you," he tells her. He rests his forehead against hers, breathes her in. He's careful, gentle, hesitant when he presses his lips to hers.

Everything finally feels right. Clarke's lips on his, moving against them, leaning in for more… It's like a salve to an open wound. He loves her and he vows to himself, and to her, that he's never going to hurt again. He's not going to lose her.

He knows he won't make it if he does. He can't go through that hurt a second time.

Their kiss ends. Bellamy pecks her lips once more before resting his forehead on her shoulder, pulling her even closer. Her arms encircle him and he feels her finger tips playing with the curls at the nape of his neck. It just feels good.

"Thank you," he whispers.

"For what?" Clarke asks quietly, pulling away just enough to see Bellamy. He gives her a faint smile.

"For another chance." He pauses. "For loving me." Clarke can't stop the tears as they well up. Bellamy doesn't let anyone see him vulnerable, but for her, he takes down every single wall he has built. Or, rather, she reasons, he lets her climb over them and join him on the other side. Them against the world.

"We'll be okay," she tells him. He hugs her tightly in response.

They miss dinner.


Thank you so much for reading! I hope you enjoyed. Please let me know what you thought!