Our Dinner with Beverly

Saturday afternoon Leonard Hofstardter answered the insistent knocking at the door of Apartment 4A, 2300 North Loss Robles Ave., Pasadena, California and was surprised to find his mother standing there.

"Mother?!"

"Still stating the obvious, Leonard? I see none of the residents of this building, including you, have done anything about the broken elevator, even after ten years. Can't they even determine why it's broken?"

"Apparently everyone likes the exercise, Mother."

"They can't do that at a health club? Penny belongs to one and I'm certain there's even one at CalTech. Couldn't you get your necessary exercise there instead of in your apartment building?"

"We are all quite satisfied."

"I assume this will still be your attitude once you've impregnated your future wife. Do you intend her to walk up six flights of stairs even then?"

"By then I expect to have tenure and we'll have purchased a house.

"Still embroiled in a life of fantasy, eh Leonard?"

"Why are you here, Mother?"

"I'm here to see Sheldon."

"I'm not surprised. Was he expecting you because he's not here. Amy scheduled an afternoon date."

"So he's allowing that woman to lead him around like a puppy?"

"He loves her, Mother. He enjoys spending time with her."

"I find it difficult to believe a brilliant scientist such as Sheldon Cooper allows himself to be dictated to by a woman who works with monkeys."

"I'm not terribly surprised that you don't understand. So how is your new relationship going?"

"I am satisfied. I enjoy Erik's company and he mine."

"Is he with you?"

"An empirical examination of the area outside your apartment door shows that he is not. He had a business appointment."

"I'll repeat my earlier question, Mother. Why are you here?"

"Well, since Sheldon is unavailable, is Penny about?"

"Penny had to make a couple of Saturday sales calls. She'll be back later."

"Well that's certainly disappointing. I had hoped to speak to at least one of them this afternoon."

"What about me, Mother? I am your son after all."

"Yes you are. I suppose I must ask since you seem to have nothing more important to do than answer the door. How are you, Leonard?"

"I'm fine. My work at the university is proceeding well as are the wedding plans."

"Oh, have you set a date?"

"Not quite yet. But we are getting close."

"Really, how close?"

"Well, it won't be sooner than nine months from now."

"Oh, why is that?"

"Penny wants to be sure her relatives don't think she had to get married because she's pregnant."

"I see."

"Was there anything else?"

"I'd like to invite Penny, Sheldon, you and Dr. Fowler to join Erik and me for dinner this evening."

"Really? That's very nice of you."

"I am only here for the weekend. I am leaving Monday morning and I wish to see Sheldon and my, um, future daughter-in-law."

"And me and Amy."

"I think my statement speaks for itself. I will text you the information regarding time and location. Goodbye, Leonard."

"Goodbye, Mother."

That evening

When the two couples arrived at the designated restaurant they saw Beverly Hofstadter seated and waiting for them.

Beverly shook hands with Sheldon and uncomfortably accepted a hug from Penny and then indicated that they were to sit on either side of her while reserving the head of the table for herself and her apparently absent companion. She virtually ignored Leonard and Amy Farrah Fowler who sat at the far end of the table. Amy attempted to begin conversing with her.

"Good evening, Dr. Hofstadter. I am gratified to finally meet you."

"Good evening, Dr. Fowler. I suppose our meeting was inevitable and I invited you here out of courtesy to Sheldon as he seems to be embroiled in some sort of relationship with you. Please don't feel the need to exchange conversational niceties with me."

Ignoring what Beverly said, Amy continued, "I trust you are well. I'm certain you are heartened by the reviews for your latest tome. I have not read it myself but I have placed it in the restroom of my domicile for moments when light reading is appropriate."

"Dr. Fowler, though I believe conversational tit for tat is unnecessary, I will respond to yours. When my colleagues and I wish to read something humorous we look up one of your many papers discussing the workings of the monkey brain. They have provided hours of entertainment."

"Mother, I thought you invited us out for a nice meal," Leonard interrupted.

"Excuse me, Leonard, but Mother was speaking. Where you learned your manners I will never know."

"I quite agree, Beverly. He is constantly interrupting. It's as though he believes he has something to contribute," Sheldon added.

"Now, where was I? Ah, let's for a moment review your work, Dr. Fowler. You spent several years addicting primates to a variety of harmful substances and then dissected their brains. From that you concluded that brain activity is negatively influenced by addiction to harmful substances. A breakthrough! You then moved on to doing the same thing with starfish. From that you learned… Oh, you didn't actually publish anything on that study because it was pointless. Five pointless, in fact."

"Dr. Hofstadter, you know quite well that my work with primates was a great deal more involved than your implication. I sought to determine exactly which area of the brain could be influenced by outside stimuli to produce predetermined reactions."

Penny added, "Yes, Beverly. Amy even studied my brain to see how it reacted when I was upset over Leonard dating Priya."

"Penny dear, I believe that Dr. Fowler was studying your brain for entirely different reasons."

"I don't understand."

"You have recounted to me a number of conversations you had with Dr. Fowler where you posited that she may have been sexually attracted to you."

"That's not true!" Amy protested.

"Yeah, but that was before I got to really know her."

"She's my bestie now," Amy added proudly, as if showing off a beloved pet.

"Dr. Fowler, I would posit that you studied Penny's emotional turmoil for selfish reasons. One was to bring you into her physical proximity and the other was to see if you could then influence her to have a sexual liaison with you."

"That's absolutely false!"

"That would kind of explain why you insisted on making out with me, Amy," Penny added.

"Wait a minute!" Leonard interrupted. "You made out with Amy!"

"And right on schedule Leonard's jealousy borne of insecurity rears its head."

"Penny, why didn't you ever tell me?" Leonard pouted.

"Leonard," Beverly responded, "is Penny required to inform you of every liaison or potential liaison she ever had? In any case, it is quite obvious that Penny could never be sexually attracted to someone such as Dr. Fowler. She is not only physically unattractive but I understand from Sheldon that she is even more possessive, manipulative and cloying than you, and that is a rather difficult feat."

Trying to change the target of the conversation from herself to the outsider at the table, Amy continued, "Dr. Hofstadter, as you are well aware we differ greatly in our approaches to our work. I prefer to experiment in the lab while you prefer to impose your theories on the interactions of human subjects using some neuroscience and psychological piffle on your own child and then publish your findings for popular consumption. You don't respect my approach and I absolutely don't respect yours. I fail to understand why this should be the subject of our dinner conversation."

"Dr. Fowler, for you to say your experiments take place in the laboratory is quite disingenuous."

"How so, Dr. Hofstadter?"

"Dr. Fowler, I have known Sheldon and Penny for some years now. I like them both a great deal."

"Thank you, Beverly," Penny offered.

"You're welcome, dear. As you know, Dr. Fowler, I have done some consulting work over the years with the lab that employs you."

"And I, for one, have never understood their desire to deal with you at all."

"To be blunt, my involvement helps them secure needed funding. Not every scientist has a Saudi Arabian sugar daddy willing to underwrite your every project whether or not it has scientific merit as you do. In any case, your lab most recently secured my services to review your work. I am here to meet with them. They allowed me access to their mainframe to access your files. Imagine my surprise when I ran across a number of very interesting items in your personal folder."

"That folder is password protected."

"Sheldon Cooper Loves Me, no spaces, is not a terribly secure password. It didn't take Erik more than a few minutes to crack it."

"Who is Erik?"

"Erik is my mother's tennis pro boyfriend."

"While those two kernels of information are factual, Erik is also a freelance video game programmer and is quite adept at finding his way around the Internet. In this case, however, his talents were hardly required."

"You still hacked my personal files. I will be speaking to my superiors about this violation."

"Please do as you like. Now, aside from some rather pedestrian attempts atfiction, all of which seem to center on exhausting anatomical descriptions of a character called Coop standing naked in a metal tub, there was a rather interesting interpersonal study you seem to be conducting. There was even a preliminary paper."

"Sheldon, I think I'd like to leave."

"Amy, I'm very interested in hearing about this paper of yours. You've never mentioned it to me."

"Sheldon, I'd like to leave. I'm not feeling well."

"Please go on Beverly," Sheldon said, ignoring Amy's pleading which would likely escalate to whining in short order.

"In that paper you hypothesize that you would be able to get one person addicted to another in five years or less."

"Sheldon…," Amy whined, right on schedule.

"The hypothesis is interesting and you listed a number of primary and ancillary subjects in your study. There was Subject A, whom I assume is you, the intended object of Subject S's potential affections. There were also Subjects P, L, H, B, R and S2. The methods you intended to use included Subject A spreading her pheromones on Subject S's property, eliminating his most identifiable and personal quirks and habits and substituting others that directly involved Subject A and, this is my favorite, convincing Subject S and his friends that what was going on was actually love. Sheldon, do you understand what I'm inferring?"

"Amy, is this true?"

"I'd like to go now Sheldon."

"One aspect of the last step was ensuring that Subject S's very close friend, called Subject P in the study, would no longer be available to him for social advice in the way she had been previously. This was to be accomplished by making sure that she was involved in a quote suffocating relationship with an insecure, jealous man and also addicted to alcohol unquote. The insecure man was called Subject L"

"Sheldon, she's lying," Amy stated flatly.

"I have the paper on my laptop if you wish to peruse it Sheldon."

"Excuse me," Penny interrupted.

"Yes, Penny."

"I mean, I know I'm not a brainiac like the rest of you but if I get what you're saying, I'm Subject P, right?"

"I believe that to be so, Penny"

"So Amy pretended to be friends with me and encouraged me to get back together with Leonard and stay with him just to keep me away from Sheldon?"

"That sums it up fairly accurately, I think."

"So this is the Five-Year-Plan that Amy talked about. Y'know, I used to think that Sheldon thought I was some kind of blond monkey. But now I find out that his supposed girlfriend, my supposed best friend, not only thinks I'm one of her fucking monkeys but has actually been treating me like one for years."

"Penny, it's not true. I'm your bestie. That paper was written as a joke."

"Oh, Dr. Fowler, while it may well be a joke, I am quite certain that you have been performing acts of behavioral management on virtually every person who believed you were their friend."

"Dr. Hofstadter, all relationships involve aspects of behavioral management. You've even discussed such things in your many books."

"True. But for a person to enter into a series of relationships for the sole purpose of manipulating them to serve her every whim, that's beyond the pale. And to take a brilliant mind like Sheldon Cooper's and reduce him to being a 'sexy toddler' just because you can, that's inexcusable."

"But I love him. And he loves me."

"First, I do not believe you know what the word means, Dr. Fowler. Second, I believe that Sheldon provided a programmed response as a result of your behavioral coercion. That is not love. That is reflex."

"Sheldon, how can you let her say such things to the woman you love?"

"Amy, my friendship with Beverly predates our own. I have learned a great deal from our chats over the years. In the field of psychology she is far more expert than either you or I."

"But she's saying such horrible things about me. You're supposed to support your girlfriend. I taught you that."

"I would prefer to reserve judgment on the validity of your statement until I've read the paper that she references."

"But I don't want you to read it."

"Hold on, Amy," Leonard interrupted defiantly, "I think I know what's going on here. My mother is upset that I'm going off to live a happy life with Penny and she doesn't like that I've been able to improve myself. And she doesn't like Sheldon being in love with you either. She's jealous."

"Excuse me?"

"We're going to be happy and you're all alone."

At that very moment a rather handsome man who looked to be in his late forties approached the table, gave Beverly a peck on the cheek and sat down next to her. Amy Farrah Fowler noticed him immediately.

"Hoo," she said.

"Ah, everyone, I'd like you to meet my friend Erik. He was previously engaged and couldn't join us till now. Erik, this is my son. Dr. Leonard Hofstadter and his fiancé, Penny Queen, Dr. Sheldon Cooper and his supposed girlfriend, Dr. Amy Farrah Fowler."

"Pleased to meet you all. Sorry I'm late but coding waits for no one." Gesturing towards Amy Erik asked, "Um, she's the one whose paper you showed me, right?"

"She is."

A look of distaste on his face, Erik turned from Amy Farrah Fowler to Penny.

"So, um, Penny, how did you get hooked up with all these doctors?"

"I moved in across the hall from Sheldon and Leonard and the rest is history."

"What do you do?"

"I'm a pharmaceutical sales rep now but I used to be an actress."

"Actually," Sheldon added, "Penny was a very good but rather unsuccessful actress who supplemented her non-existent income from that endeavor by working as a waitress. More recently, though, she has found great success in pharmaceutical sales. In point of fact, Penny is now, exempting Beverly and perhaps yourself, the highest wage earner at this table."

"Sheldon, did you really have to tell them that?"

"Penny, I am quite impressed with your success. And proud."

"Awww."

"I too am impressed with Penny's ability to go into a field for which she had no previous training and be extremely successful. It makes me wonder…"

"Wonder what, Beverly?" Penny queried.

"I am well aware that you accepted my son's proposal of marriage when you had no job, no money and no prospects. Now that you are, by all accounts, more successful than him with a brighter future that he has, why are you still intending to marry him?"

"Mother!"

"I believe it's a legitimate question."

"Penny may be earning more than I do now but that's only temporary. Soon I'll have tenure and she'll quit her job to raise our children."

"Excuse me?" asked Penny.

"It's all part of our plan, honey."

"And you were going to tell me about this plan when?"

"I knew you'd be on board. You want kids right?"

"Eventually, yeah. But I'm not planning on becoming your little Suzy Homemaker, Leonard. Now that I actually have something in my life that I'm good at besides being your little fuck monkey, when I do get pregnant I'm gonna work as long as I can, take the time off that I need, and then I'm going back to work. I like what I'm doing and I plan to keep on doing it."

"Penny, who's going to take care of the kids?"

"I kind of like what Bernadette and Howard worked out. How about you stay home while I work?"

"But my job is more important than yours, honey. I studied for years to get where I am. I can't give that up. You got your job just because Bernadette works at the same place."

"Leonard, most of your job is thinking. You even told me that. You can do that pretty much anywhere. Even while changing diapers. And just because Bernadette got me in the door, she has nothing to do with how well I've done."

"And, Leonard," added Sheldon, "your job is not terribly important. You ape the work of other better scientists. A trained monkey could do it. Perhaps Amy can help you with that."

"Sheldon," Amy whined.

Beverly reasserted control of the conversation, "Penny, Erik here is a tennis pro. In addition he is a well-respected video game programmer."

"Oh yeah, then how come I've never heard of Erik Holland?" Leonard sneered.

"I don't actually use my real name. Perhaps you've heard of Erik the Red?"

"Leonard, Erik the Red has been involved in designing many of the games we have enjoyed over the years."

"So? Why did you bring it up, Mother?"

"I brought it up because I believe that Penny would be far better off with someone more like Erik. Not Erik himself, mind you, because he's taken. But, Penny, Erik could probably introduce you to a number of athletic, intelligent, confident, successful and far more interesting men than Leonard. None of them would be threatened by your success and would likely provide you with intelligent and comely progeny should you desire that."

"Mother, how could you? I'm your son. Why would you want to undermine my relationship with Penny? Do you disapprove of her that much?

"On the contrary, I like Penny a great deal. I actually wish that she were my progeny and not you but that is something I unfortunately cannot change. I just don't like the fact that you and Dr. Fowler have used your knowledge and backgrounds to manipulate two very nice people into rather dysfunctional, controlled relationships. They don't deserve that kind of treatment. Nobody does."

"Beverly, I'm not sure I understand what you're getting at," Sheldon commented.

"Over the last several months I have become concerned about both you and Penny, Sheldon. Deeply concerned."

"I believe your concern is misplaced, Beverly. My research into dark matter is finally developing in a positive direction. My relationship with Amy has progressed satisfactorily according to her quarterly reports. And Penny is happy in her relationship with Leonard. I for one don't understand why but in many ways their relationship has always baffled me."

"Sheldon, please stop. You are aware of my standing in the fields of psychiatry and neurobiology?"

"I am. You are highly respected and at the top of your fields."

"So you would hopefully hold my opinions in good regard."

"I always have."

"Then I feel the need to be very honest with you."

"Beverly, I am a bit confused. I was unaware that you had ever not been honest."

"Sheldon, for the last several months, ever since you returned from your summer excursion to train stations, I have not been speaking to you as a friend each week but rather as a psychiatrist. I am very concerned."

"Beverly, I'm not crazy. My mother had me tested."

"Sheldon, if your mother had you tested now I am quite certain there would be a different result. That is both my professional opinion and my opinion as your friend."

"Go on."

"When you were fifteen you left the United States to be a guest lecturer in Germany. From speaking to you I've gathered that situation provided a number of challenges but that you regard it as a success. I've also spoken to a number of people you interacted with there and, though they found you a bit stand-offish, they observed that you were quite able to easily navigate your way around in a foreign land where you did not initially even know the language. When you accepted a position at CalTech you lived in your apartment for years and were mostly self-sufficient. You attended a variety of events, including a Murder Mystery Dinner on the Queen Mary, with no problem despite being surrounded by strangers."

"I don't understand your point, Beverly."

"Last summer you traveled all over the United States and you could not even force yourself to leave the train stations."

"I enjoy train stations."

"Sheldon, you were in a period of professional and personal flux. In almost every one of those cities there were professional colleagues you knew and had at least interacted with online that you could discuss your career concerns with. Yet you did not reach out to a single one. You were at the Princeton train station and didn't even contact me, someone you consider a friend. Why?"

"I'm not certain. I just couldn't."

"Sheldon, you left your familiar environs because you felt that your world was falling apart. You were in professional flux about your area of concentration. Your roommate of several years announced his engagement and intimated that there would be upcoming changes in your living situation. And the person you were in a quote relationship unquote with was unrelenting in applying pressure for you to be more physically intimate with her. Leaving was a legitimate reaction to the stress caused by those situations. However, since you returned you have only sought advice and approval from one source, a source with an agenda. From my recent conversations with you and the evidence of your behavior, I believe that you have had some sort of psychotic break and are in serious need of some professional advice and treatment."

"Excuse me, Dr. Hofstadter, but I am a highly respected neuroscientist and I believe that if Sheldon was in need of help I'd be the first one to notice it."

"Ha!" Beverly responded derisively.

"I don't get your meaning."

"You, Dr. Fowler, have taken full advantage of Sheldon's situation, a situation that you helped create with your unending demands for intimacy, to help you achieve the results you want. You have gotten Sheldon to a point where he is unable to make a single decision without your input."

"That is love, Dr. Hofstadter. Sheldon has even told me that he loves me."

"Again, ha!"

"Mother, I have known Sheldon for a long time, longer than you and I know that Amy has made him happier than he has ever been."

"Says the man who took advantage of his depressed alcoholic girlfriend to get her to marry him."

"I did not!" exclaimed Leonard.

"He…did…not?" questioned Penny.

"Penny, all things being equal, if you had not accepted Leonard's proposal when you were broke and unemployed and he asked you to marry him right now, would you accept?"

"Of course she would!"

"I asked Penny the question, Leonard, not you. Penny?"

"Um…"

"Sweetie, remember. You love me."

"Um…"

"Bestie, remember how unhappy you were while Leonard was dating Priya?"

"Yeah, I'm trying to remember. I remember thinking he was a good guy and that I hadn't dated a lot of good guys and that it might have been a mistake to break up with him. I remember you and Bernadette always showing up at my place with a couple of bottles of wine and reminding me about how happy I'd been with Leonard, something you couldn't possibly have known anything about. And I remember wanting to talk to Sheldon about it and never being able to spend a single minute alone with him to ask."

Leonard refilled Penny's wine glass from the carafe on the table as Amy continued. "Penny, you're confused. Leonard's mother is confusing you because she doesn't want you to marry her son. Leonard is the best thing to ever happen to you. You know how very much he loves you."

Penny pushed the glass of wine away. "I'm not so sure that Beverly is the one confusing me, Amy. I think you're trying to confuse me. And why the hell did you refill my wine glass just then, Leonard?"

"I know how much you enjoy a glass of wine, honey."

"Penny, do you see what Leonard and Amy did there?" Beverly asked.

"I think I do. They double-teamed me. She kept on talking about Leonard while he was lubricating me with wine. Now I'm trying to remember how often this has happened before."

Leonard looked up at Penny with puppy dog eyes. "Penny…"

"Beverly, I have to ask. You aren't conducting another experiment on Leonard right now, are you?"

"That's a fair question, dear. It is true that while Leonard was younger I may have treated him more like a subject than my son. I apologize for that and the insecurities being an unplanned middle child may have instilled in him."

"Yes, Mother. Thank you very much for letting the whole world know I was unwanted."

"Leonard, you were unplanned. If you were unwanted there are any number of things your father and I could have done. We did none of them. You grew up comfortably in a suburban academic setting. You had a rather expensive education that we were happy to provide you. But you have always been insecure and an underachiever. We put you in therapy to help you deal with that."

"Yeah, it didn't help."

"It didn't help because you were unwilling to address the issues. Leonard, you revel in your insecurities. For years you have used them to manipulate others to do your bidding. You manipulated your few childhood friends until they wanted nothing to do with you. You manipulated Penny into relationships with you twice. When women like Stephanie Barnett and Priya Koothrapali tried the same thing on you, you rejected them."

"How would you know anything about that?"

"I told her, Leonard," offered Sheldon.

"This is incredible!" exclaimed Penny, a light shining in her eyes. "My fiancé and my supposed best friend have both been playing me for years to get what they want. And it takes my future mother-in-law to clue me in."

"Penny, this is just my mother playing with us. It's what she does. Remember when you first met her. She had you bawling inside of five minutes."

"Yeah, she did. But I also remember that you took full advantage of that when you got into bed with me. If you weren't so fucking proud of yourself you would have gotten exactly what you wanted."

"Yeah, well she told me to start wearing your father's cologne. And it worked!"

"So this has been a game all along. Get the bimbo to fuck you and marry you."

"No, Penny, that's not it. I love you."

"Leonard, just like your mother said about Amy, I'm not sure you know what the word means. I think I'm gonna have to give this engagement of ours a long think. A long sober think."

Leonard glared at his mother. "Thank you, Mother. It looks like you screwed up my life again."

"Ah, there you go. You can never take responsibility for your own actions. Always looking to blame others. Just like what you did with Sheldon in the Arctic."

Penny was aghast. "Beverly, what are you saying? I thought that was all straightened out. Leonard said he apologized to Sheldon and Sheldon said it was all fine."

"Was it fine, Sheldon? Please tell us all what Leonard's actions in the Arctic did for your career."

"Beverly, you are well aware that I took full responsibility for the failure of the Arctic Expedition."

"Sheldon, you know you did that because you were afraid of losing the friendship of lesser people."

"Be that as it may…"

"Sheldon, my son and his two cohorts cost you the respect of your peers and have never had to suffer any consequences at all because of it."

"Mother, I had to go to Texas to retrieve him when I had better things to do."

Penny interrupted, "Leonard, exactly what else did you have to do? I mean besides fuck me."

"That was very important, Penny. It was gonna be our first time."

"So you wouldn't have done anything about bringing Sheldon home if I didn't make you?"

"Well…"

"So, basically you screwed up Sheldon's experiment and retrieved him from Texas only because you wanted to fuck me. And then I gave you what you wanted."

"But Penny, you love me."

"Um, yeah. You're the same guy who told me you'd do or say anything to have sex with me, right?"

"I don't see why you need to bring that up."

"Are you doing that now?"

"Why would I do that now? We're engaged. You're always going to be with me."

"Not tonight."

"See, Mother. See what you did. Now Penny's mad at me."

"Um, not just mad, Leonard. Thinking about this whole situation. And thinking I need to talk it over with someone who isn't you. And none of this is your mother's fault. Every bit of it is yours. And Amy's."

Amy stood up defiantly.

"Sheldon, I am not willing to remain here taking Dr. Hofstadter's abuse. I will not permit her to up-end our well-ordered life. We're going home. Come along."

Leonard stood up, not Sheldon.

"Penny, come on. We're going home too and we'll work all this stuff out. We didn't have any problems at all before my mother showed up."

"Yeah, um, no Leonard. I'm staying. I have some more stuff I'd like to discuss with Beverly. And Sheldon."

"I'm also remaining, Amy. I have some additional questions for Beverly and I have a few for Erik. And Penny."

"How will you two get home? We all came in my car."

"Leonard, Sheldon and I are adults. We can manage to find our way home without your help. We were invited out and I intend to continue my evening with Beverly. You and Amy are being really rude if you ask me."

"Penny, dear, please don't try to get them to stay. I suspect that we will have a much more enjoyable evening without them."

Leonard looked at Amy. Amy looked at Leonard.

"Well then, okay, we're leaving."

"Goodnight Leonard. Goodnight Dr. Fowler."

Leonard and Amy slowly headed toward the restaurant door, each sure that their significant other would relent and ultimately leave with them. They slowly walked out the door and paused once outside, expecting that it would quickly open behind them. It didn't.

"Sheldon, how long do you think it'll take them to get home?"

"Well, I suspect that at the pace they were walking they won't reach Leonard's car for another ten minutes."

"And I know Leonard will just sit in his car for another half hour waiting for me to come out to him."

"As will Amy."

"Please tell me that neither of you is planning to leave."

"I intend to remain."

"Me too. Let 'em steam."

"So do you two accept my hypothesis?"

"Beverly, I believe you have made a case that merits further discussion. I'll be honest that I have not quite felt myself for quite a while."

"And I know I've been drinking way too much. And am I depressed? Sure. And for a long time."

"Penny, marrying my son will not resolve either of those problems. You know that, right?"

"Maybe this is who I am. A depressed Nebraskan who marries an insecure guy from New Jersey and lives adequately ever after."

"No. That is unacceptable, Penny. You are better than that. You deserve better than that. I will not permit you to do this to yourself."

"What about you, Sheldon? I'll be honest. You've changed. You've always been kind of a know-it-all but it was mainly because you wanted to share what you knew with everyone. Lately you've been cruel and snide and it feels like you end every sentence with a silent 'you idiot'. And I know that I've been Amy's biggest cheerleader for a long time but after finding out what she's been doing to both of us, do you really see yourself spending the rest of your life with her?"

"I must admit, Penny, that I'm seriously considering voiding our Relationship Agreement since it was entered into under false pretenses."

"Is that all? If we weren't out in public Amy would have been checking into the Emergency Room by now. And Leonard might be speaking in a higher octave."

"Am I to understand that neither of you are happy with your partners?"

"Correct."

"Yup."

"Then I suggest that we continue our dinner and conversation, hopefully about subjects other than your partners and then I would like to get together with you individually tomorrow and discuss your thoughts."

"Beverly, what are you getting at?"

"I would like to recommend that you both enter therapy to help you get through the crises you are now encountering. Yes, I used the term crisis. You are each on the verge of making life-changing decisions and neither of you are in any shape mentally to make those decisions. I want to help you find a way to deal. As I am involved to some extent in both of your lives it is inappropriate that I be the one to continue working with you…"

"Beverly, I disagree. You already know our backgrounds. Were we to even agree to see others it would take time to bring them up to date. I would prefer to work with you."

"I kinda feel the same way. You took it upon yourself to come here and try to help us see what was going on."

"Well then, we'll need to work on arrangements but I see no problem in seeing you each via Skype and on occasion in person on a regular basis."

"Thank you Beverly. Now can we see the dessert menu?"