AN: I hope you can excuse me being silly and bored with school. I'm thinking about making this a series of one-shots later, since I have too much time on my hands right now. I've had this whimsical idea floating around my head for a while, and it deserved to be typed out for once. That, and I've wanted experiment with writing without any explicit dialogue, since I'm so horribly dependent on it. Anyways, hope you enjoy the story: cheers!

Please also note that this is the non-4AM written version that is now properly revised by someone with a functional brain.

Disclaimer: I don't own Fire Emblem, or any of its associated intellectual property rights and am merely borrowing its characters for creative purposes.

In an alternate universe far, far, far, far, far, far…

...far, far away, a freshly amnesiac Robin gets dragged into a discussion about romance with Cordelia and Sumia. Before long, he's scheming behind all of the Shepherds' backs to pair Cordelia with Chrom before they leave Ylisstol. He ultimately succeeds, and when the Plegian campaign is over, the destined baby-making ensues (which is a whole story by itself).

One year into the timeskip…

Robin shoveled his oatmeal into his face, his mind so absorbed by his book's contents that he hardly noticed that his breakfast wasn't even making it to his mouth. Could you blame him? Sumia's collection of hilariously trashy romance novels was as expansive as his list of Chrom-related puns, and some were actually addictively well-written. Probably unhealthily so, he realized after he spooned oatmeal into his eye. With his obsessive literary trance broken, he only now noticed the mess of food splattered across his coat. With a displeased frown, he magically dispelled the translucent goo, accidentally sending some of it flying towards a passerby, and extremely pregnant Cordelia.

Understandably, she became incredibly cranky.

Robin would have found this absolutely hilarious if it wasn't for the fact that Cordelia's maternal rages were somehow infinitely more terrifying than usual. It was almost as if her child had already inherited her explosive anger and was exponentially magnifying her mother's own rampages. Robin cringed, and promised never to tease Chrom about dealing with Cordelia in the future. Thankfully, a nearby maid quickly diffused the situation with one of Cordelia's brain-wrackingly strange choices in food cravings. Today's spontaneous obsession was overripe bananas with bacon and blue cheese, and Robin was not in the mood of dealing with Sumia in case heavily fermented cow secretions "somehow" managed to make it onto his borrowed book's cover. His suspicions were spot on, as the royal head chef didn't have any overripe bananas ("Why would any self-respecting kitchen willing keep bad produce?!") and Cordelia unsurprisingly burst into a fury. Just as the pots and pans began sailing around the room, Robin beat a hasty retreat. He was about to muse that all of those sudden mood swings might make her blow a literal gasket, but baby Lucina decided to do that for him. An eerie moment of silence was suddenly followed by the entire castle staff flying into a panic as they went to find the royal obstetrician and contact a still-sleeping Chrom.

Typical to his nature, Robin did not have any experience with child-birth (to compliment his incompetence regarding medical affairs), and had no idea when the redhead's earth-shattering screams would be over. Under normal circumstances, he would just curl up in bed with another one of Sumia's books, but for whatever Naga-forsaken reason, his chambers were situated directly above the maternity ward. Not that it mattered, since the ambient noise intensity seemed to be the same throughout the entire castle. He felt sorry for Chrom (and Lissa, and Emmeryn's ghost, and Frederick, and everyone else that was tethered to this auditory-hellhole of a castle by royal obligation), but he decided now would be the perfect time to slip out of the grounds and go peruse some surveying equipment. The fact that the venue was on the exact opposite end of the city was merely a convenient bonus, and totally not the main reason he was looking at equipment he didn't need.

By the time he got back, arms laden in new books and purple, baggy trousers (he never made it to the surveying tools), the sun had just about fallen. The royal wing of pegasi was still shivering with terror, having given up on their failed attempts to escape their roost and the noise. And speaking of noise…

The racket still continued, and he could imagine that Chrom's hand should have been turned into pulp by now. Even for a simple handshake, Cordelia's grip was bone-crushingly strong. Robin was almost certain that Chrom's bed-side motivation had instead turned into a bed-side limb amputation. He would have skipped straight past the medical chambers, were it not for a sudden drop in volume. Curiosity getting the better of him, he poked his head in, only for his eyes to melt from the overwhelming radiance coming from the bed. It was on that day that Ylisse was blessed by the presence of the Divine Infant, Lucina, Naga's chosen vessel of ass-kick. Her first cries shattered every window in Ylisstol's walls and when she finally opened her eyes, lasers shot out of them, annihilating the floor above. Robin would have torn his hair out from his belongings evaporating with his now non-existent living chambers, but he was too busy thinking Imma hit dat.

Within the coming year, the Shepherds noticed that "Marth" suddenly disappeared, time having been altered so dramatically by the presence of the universe-destroying toddler. As Future Lucina became so OP stat-wise, she filleted Grima without the Fire Emblem or Exalted Falchion and never had to go back in time. Much to Robin's misfortune, since his time-traveling waifu was now gone.

Fin.

Just kidding. Although comparable in levels of asswhoop, Lucina was unable to replicate Naga's power and still had to come back. Unfortunately, Basilio was now the reigning Khan from Lucina kicking Chrom's arse in Arena Ferox. Though that still didn't matter since she single-handedly crushed the entire Valmese military while sleepwalking. When she woke up, she found her daughter Morgan, who was even more idiotically OP than her. Together, they beat Classic Lunatic+ mode without using anything but tree branches. During this, Robin was demoted to house husband and the most strategizing he ever did was planning meals to include the unending mountain of potatoes Lon'qu kept peeling. Chrom and Cordelia had nothing better to do than make baby Severa (who, with blue hair, kept getting confused with some leek-obsessed pig-tailed fictional character), and the rest of the Shepherds fell into disarray from being excruciatingly dysfunctional outside of war.

...And now you know why the creators of Fire Emblem: Awakening had to screw off Cordelia and Chrom's supports. There wouldn't even be a game otherwise.

Actual Fin.