A.N. Yay for ridiculous mood boosting stories. I don't plan on ever finishing this really, just making stupid as heck chapters or idle thoughts made into scenes. It WILL be following a timeline, and some parts will be serious as I touch on topics I think need to be said in the process of this story.

I'm going to be perfectly clear with this: I don't like Twilight- I like the setting, I like the characters, but she absolutely ruined it with Deus Ex Machina at the end and frankly ignored anything that could have made the plot have value.

Edward was freaking terrifying about personal boundaries, Alice was pushy and didn't listen to anyone elses opinion. Carlisle basically spoiled Edward and supported him in the same situation he scorned Rosalie for- it was not okay to me.

And some of the richest backgrounds, were totally neglected. There wasn't room for them in the story.

This is going to be mostly humor, yes. Or at least I intend it to be, but I'm also going to be confrontational about the flaws.

Disclaimer: Don't own Twilight, but if I did, the history and good characters would be expanded on and not dismissed for petty crap self-gratification romance.

Prologue

I hurt, a lot. I didn't know why I hurt, or where I was. I heard the beeping of a heart rate monitor, I felt an iv in my arm. My fingers twitched, sending a jolt of pain all throughout my body.

What was this residual all over pain? Like my nerves had been scorched.. It felt like frostbite or hypothermia. Like I had been out in the cold so long, that my body registered the sensation as being hot, burnt instead, when returning indoors and in the warmth.

'That would make sense,' an inner voice told me. 'Considering vampires are freezing, and you almost became one.'

My eyes flew open in a jolt of shock, and mild horror, as my memories were filled with scenes from a life I never had.

"Bella!" Charlie, my father, called out in relief. "I'll get Dr. Cullen!"

My head turned rapidly to the disappearing police officer, as he rushed out of the room. The movement caused a dizzy spell that quickly eased in seconds.

"Hell no!" I exclaimed in shock, voice raspy from disuse. It dissolved into a coughing fit, which took a minute to ease. But the thought didn't leave me.

I was Isabella Swan, and the last memory I had of being her, was the noise of the Cullens ripping James apart.

Suddenly I felt like pushing the panic button next to the bed. A LOT.

Someone had played a reality bending joke on me, and I was not about to go along with it.

A.N. What is this I don't even