Chapter 1: 50 Shades of Done with His Shit

Sometime in the past (3 days ago, specifically)

"You know, Potter," Gwen Vasquez began as she slid down against the wall to sit beside him. She'd had one too many drinks that night as the Gryffindors threw their always-legendary first-weekend-of-the-month party. Not that they didn't throw parties at any other day of the month.

The boy in question was similarly slumped against the wall, a nearly empty bottle in one hand. He seemed spectacularly drunk as it was which was impressive, considering his reportedly high alcohol tolerance. He squinted down down down at the tousled-seeming bundle of a girl, until his glasses nearly slipped off the tip of his nose. Gwen promptly pushed his face a respectable distance away from her person.

"I may hate you a lot, but you know who I hate more?" she asked him, squinting at the dancing students, focus clearly on He Whom She Hated the Most. James eyed the Ravenclaw dancing with Tippy Cornwallis.

"Yeah," he agreed, frowning, "Matthew Weinstein is THE worst."

"Nooo," Gwen replied, moaning pathetically. "He's the best!" she asserted, almost to herself. "He's the best there is and that's why I hate him," she said, pouting. "Because I can't have him," she added for good measure, looking around for another bottle in which she could drown her sorrows.

"I can't…" James mumbled beside her, "I can't do this anymore. You have it," he inhaled to steady himself and passed the bottle to Gwen. "Tippy Cornwallis," he whispered into the ether, "Take me," he said, screwing his face up into a weepy pout.

Gwen took the bottle from him and downed its contents in three huge gulps. "They're the perfect couple," she said, leaning her head against the wall, eyes closed.

"There there," said James as he let her lean on his shoulder. He shushed her to sleep as she protested the perfection of Matthew Weinstein and Tippy Cornwallis. "Weinstein, more like WHY-nstein, amiright? Like, WHY him, Tippy? Why?" he continued as Gwen drifted off to sleep.

"Er, mate…?" Fred Weasley began as he noticed James and Gwen.

"Ssshhh!" James exclaimed, eyes bleary. He patted Gwen's head, indicating that they shouldn't wake her.

Sometime in the past (4th year, to be kinda exact)

"Oi, Potter," she began as she finished helping Herman pick up his books and other school things. "What'd you do that for?" she asked, affecting a tone of complete curiosity. The lack of aggression in her voice threw him off, though only for a moment, and then his usual grin was back.

"What?" he asked, still not knowing how he should respond to the question. Normally, he would've ignored whoever was bothering him, but then normally whoever was bothering him would've sounded angry and hostile. Beside him, his cousin Fred rolled his eyes.

"You bumped right into Herman and knocked his books to the floor," her dark brown eyes bore into his, affectedly innocent, but cold and sharp underneath. "I was wondering what possible logical explanation you could have for doing that? There's clearly a lot of space to manoeuvre around him". The wide-eyed innocent look she'd taken up melted into her true feelings as her eyes narrowed in anger and annoyance. "You could've apologised as well, and helped him, if you were really just too much of a clumsy ogre to realign your course around this poor boy who was clearly overwhelmed by the sheer amount of things he has to carry," she'd been waving her hands around in exasperation, but now they were on her hips.

"I'm sorry, who are you?" the perpetrator finally asked after a pause, lopsided grin gracing his face, clearly amused at himself.

"James…" Fred ran his hand down his face tiredly and groaned in annoyance.

"Gwen Vasquez," she replied. "And there's no need to introduce yourself. I'd recognise you anywhere." James gave an unexpected genuine smile in surprise. "You're the bumbling bully who likes to cause a ruckus at the expense of other students," Gwen lifted an eyebrow. His smile twisted into a frown.

"Gwen…it's alright…" began Herman, backing away.

"No, it's not, Herman. If no one calls him out, he'll think he could just get away with everything," Gwen asserted, not breaking eye contact with James. "How would you like it if someone knocked over your things and didn't even apologise? You think it's so funny?"

"Well…yes," James replied, shrugging.

Gwen moved closer to the taller boy, letting her hands fall to her sides. Somewhere behind her, Herman scuttled away to avoid the impending fight. In one lightning fast move, she swiped at his right shoulder and brought his book bag crashing to the floor. Gwen's face reddened. She'd always tried to reign in her anger, but there was just no holding it in with this boy. James and Fred's faces were frozen in shock. The former was leaning away from her, eyes flicking from the bag, then up to Gwen, then back to the bag.

"You have to be playing Quidditch or something. Reflexes like that…," mumbled Fred. James picked his bag up and shouldered it again.

"Hufflepuff Keeper?" he asked, not meeting her eyes.

"Yes," she replied coldly, similarly stunned at herself. "Just…I'm sorry, just apologise to Herman, and stop doing stupid things! Ugh, seriously…" she said, pressing her burning face into her hands for a moment.

"I'll take it into consideration, Vasquez," James replied.

"Yeah, yeah," said Gwen, rolling her eyes and turning to leave.

"What in Merlin's name was that?" Fred asked as they watched her leave.

"We're getting her back," James told him evenly.

"Of course we are," the taller boy rolled his eyes.

Sometime in the present (7th year, to be maybe sorta precise)

"Fake dating," James asserted.

"Dumb idea," Gwen replied, returning the books she'd been referencing for her essay to their proper shelves in the library.

"Why not? Tippy is clearly only trying to make me jealous. If I make her jealous, she'll only want me more!"

"I'm flattered you think Tippy Cornwallis would ever be jealous of me, but there's really nothing in it for me," Gwen whispered. She had no intention of being banned from the library.

"Okay, first of all, Tippy Cornwallis would be jealous of me seeing anyone. Second, with her out of the way, Matthew Weinstein is yours for the taking! He'll be heartbroken, you'll be available...yeah?" Gwen rolled her eyes and gathered her things to leave.

"If anyone at all would do, then there's clearly no need for me to be involved," she spun around to face him. "Potter, we loathe each other! Last month, you made me fart bubbles in the Great Hall! Last week, I enchanted a chicken to hover over you and lay eggs all day! Do you have any idea how much effort I put into that?" she exited the library, but James was not far behind.

"That's why it's perfect! If it were any other girl, I couldn't just pretend to date them. I'd have to lie to them, and feel all kinds of guilty. You already hate me, so it's not like it would mean anything," it was no struggle for James to keep up with the much shorter girl.

"And if I agree, you'll end this whole prank war?" Gwen asked, suddenly realising she could finally have some sweet sweet relief. She stopped walking abruptly, and James had to backpedal.

"Deal!" James said, all-too-quickly. "I promise never to pull pranks on you ever again, if you just do this one thing for me."

"And you promise me throughout all this, you won't ever put me into any uncompromising and-slash-or embarrassing situations? You'll respect my decisions and personal space, and you won't spread nasty rumours about us to convince people we're really seeing each other?" she pointed a finger up at him.

"I promise," he said solemnly, "In fact," he stuck out his pinkie finger, "I pinkie promise."

"Hold on," she cautioned.

"What?" James was growing impatient.

"I get to be the one who breaks up with you, if Tippy Cornwallis ever comes around," Gwen stuck out her pinkie finger.

"Deal," they shook pinkies. "I promise you won't regret this, Vasquez"

"You have clearly never seen any romcoms," Gwen rolled her eyes.

"Are you insinuating you might actually fall for me?" James smirked.

"Um, no," Gwen replied matter-of-factly. "Clearly, you'll fall for me, Potter"

"I think the bigger problem is convincing everyone else we'd actually fall for each other," James grimaced.

"True, but I've got an idea"

A Few Days Later

"I can't believe you!" Gwen yelled in the crowded corridor just past the Great Hall.

"Vas- Gwen, I'm sorry! I didn't mean to incinerate the package! It was just a joke!" James shouted pleadingly.

"We're not on first name basis, Potter," Gwen spat. "And that package was from my parents."

"I'm sorry! I'm so sorry!" James grabbed her hand, but she yanked it back and slapped him across the face. A crowd started gathering.

"I'm so sick of your stupid jokes," she was so convincing, James actually felt a chill.

"I just wanted..." he pretend to pause nervously, like he was trying to figure out his feelings instead of preparing to deliver rehearsed lines, "You hated me so much, I just wanted to talk to you, Gwen." The crowd gasped at the admission.

"I knew it!" someone called.

"This is a whole new level of cruel, James," she made sure everyone heard her call him by his first name, and then she pretended to choke back a sob and ran away.

"Gwen!" James called as she ran down an empty corridor. By now, everyone had gathered to watch them.

"Run after her!" yelled another random student, and James took off. He caught up to her easily, coming closer until he was so close he could see her lips trembling. He made a mental note to congratulate her on her acting chops.

"I'm not playing, Gwen," he said seriously, and Gwen felt her ears go red involuntarily. "I like you. I've always fancied you," Gwen's entire body flushed, and she had to remind herself it was all an act. He was playing; they were playing the crowd and she was in on it. Still, she felt her breath catch when he came in for the kill.

The crowd whooped as they kissed and many 3-year-long bets were finally paid off, but James and Gwen were suddenly oblivious to it all. Meanwhile, somewhere in the crowd, perhaps, or the general vicinity of the castle, James' many relations felt the sudden urge to roll their eyes and groan in frustration.

A/N: So, I just found parts of this chapter that I wrote a million years ago, and I started building on it, and then I thought I'd share it to see what other people think...which is why I'm not completely sure what I wanna do with this fic yet. Like it so far? Any ideas? Thanks for reading :)