AN: Sorry sorry sorry. I love you all for still reading this. I really appreciate it, and sincerely apologise for the trauma. Thanks so much to all reviewers and followers. This is the last chapter. I feel so relieved. There may or may not be a sequel, as hinted at the end of chapter 17. Let me know if you'd like that (it'll be real happy, I promise! I need some happy too.)

This caused me way too much stress and I'll admit I don't even know if it paid off. I wanted a more realistic sort of take on a BDSM yaoi as a sort of challenge to myself, but it ended up just being really tragic because of the horror of the world they live in. But then I think of the bit where Levi stands behind the door listening to the kids talking about the sea and I think fuck it, it IS tragic! I also wanted to write something with a message but I'm not quite sure I did that either. I settled for a sad romantic ending that mightn't make sense but hopefully is somewhat beautiful in its own way. Well, my author's notes have become so self-deprecating thanks to all the doujins I read, cuz doujinka's always seem to be overly modest and dissatisfied with their work somehow. Lol, oh well. I've been writing a short Blue Exorcist comedy in the meantime to help with the anxiety that finishing this damn story was giving me. If you're interested in that, or upcoming short stories about Game of Thrones or Fullmetal Alchemist, please give my profile a follow. Also feel free to PM me with reviews or questions about the story or anything ... Aaaaand that's enough from me. Please enjoy, and thanks for getting this far. If you enjoyed it a little, I'm happy.

19. The Great Sea of Salt

[Eren]

"There's the ocean, too. A great sea of salt that merchants couldn't exhaust even if they spent their whole lives trying. There's more beyond the walls than titans. Flaming water. Frozen lands. Fields of sand."

I want to go there.

I always privately considered that maybe Armin was mistaken. There couldn't exist a place like that in this world, could there? It sounded more like paradise. You know, the place you go after you die. I didn't know if I'd get to see the ocean in my lifetime, but maybe there would be some sort of afterlife where I could see all those things we read about. Though, I didn't really know if I believed in that sort of thing either. We never had the luxury of dreaming about heaven; we were too busy trying to stay the fuck alive on earth.

I could feel the sun on my face as my body vibrated with exhaustion and pain. Where was I? Lying on my back on warm earth; soft dirt, like tiny shards and beads. It clung to my skin, but somehow it felt clean. Fresh. There was a twinge to the air.

I was conscious, I knew, because I could hear the blood rushing in and out of my head, deafeningly loud, but slower than I'd expect. Gushing in some rhythm, an unusual beat. I was breathing, but how on earth could I still be alive after all that?

Uh … all what? What was the last thing I even remembered?

Red … hot … pain? Blinding, paralysing, ripping me open … A tunnel, and a light … Running, spinning, crashing.

I didn't really want to think about it. I had thought for sure that I'd finally kicked it.

There was something moving nearby. My eyes were glued shut. I heard a groan. Who was that? My heart drummed and my stomach did somersaults, knowing that I wished for someone in particular but still too dazed to really know who. Anyway, I dared not hope at a time like this. I screwed my eyes up, and tried to open them. The sun was blinding, the sky all in white. I blinked a few times and it gradually turned pale blue, scattered lightly with cartoonish clouds. They were vivid, cut out against the sky like petals in a stream. Too beautiful.

I didn't understand.

I made to move my body, and found my limbs stiff and heavy and full of agony. I lay, immobilised, as the person close by leaned over me, casting a shadow that cooled my face. The sky behind was so dazzling that it took a moment for me to make out the features. But, as it turned out, he was just as radiant. I inhaled sharply, squinting up at his face to try and grasp what I was seeing. His hair was black as night, falling down on either side of silver eyes that seemed to pierce through flesh and bone right to my soul. As I stared in awe, he wrinkled up his brow and frowned at me in that stern expression I knew too well.

"So you finally woke up," he said gruffly. Although the voice was familiar, it was hoarser and more laboured than I recalled. The face, too, though always pale was now as white as the cravats he used to wrap around his neck. As I looked him over I noticed that he was filthy, his clothes stained and brown with sweat, dust, dirt. Poor Levi. I thought it a great tragedy, for some reason. But, secretly, it make me kind of happy. Always so composed, now he was even more lovely unravelled.

My voice returned to me, heavy as lead. "Levi … am I dead?"

He grunted a laugh. It wasn't his usual one. "Do I look like a bloody angel to you?"

I gaped up at him. Maybe not an angel, but bloody was certainly the right word. He was half-sitting, leaning on one arm as the other clutched his stomach where a violent red stain was seeping through his shirt. His arm shook, barely able to support his weight. Beneath his hand was yellow earth, soft and fleeting. I didn't comprehend any of it, but it made me feel uncomfortable so I looked away. I gazed around absently, hearing still that rushing of blood in my ears.

He wasn't an angel, but I still wasn't convinced that we weren't dead. I glanced back at him timidly, spying him as he surveyed the surroundings. It was alright, I mean, it wasn't wrong to keep admiring him and the way he practically glowed in the sunlight, was it? It was just the two of us after all, and I wasn't exactly very aware of my actions right now. In the state I was in, couldn't it be overlooked? Would he allow it, just to indulge me? I had no right to expect anything of him, I knew that. He was no longer mine, but at the very least I could still see him and tear him apart with my eyes at a time like this when no other part of my body could do a thing. His movements, his breath, the shape of his shoulders under his torn clothes … I wanted to devour it all. Maybe it was a self-inflicted torture, to still yearn so perilously for something I once had and lost. But right now I couldn't have cared less. We were together. We were safe. We were far, far away. For some reason, I had a vague sense that this was the most beautiful moment of my life.

"Levi … where are we?"

"Fucked if I know," he muttered, straining himself to lean away from me. "You're the one who brought us here." He coughed, hacking away at that knot in his throat. "Fucking … idiot."

"Did I? I don't remember much."

A groan escaped him, and he breathed heavily for a moment or two. "Well … long story short, we won the battle … you were dead for a few minutes … something happened and I got shot by our own guys … then you turned into a titan and ran all the way out here with me flailing about in your hand. I was so pissed I broke free and cut you out again. Sorry about your limbs."

"Ah," I said, realising what that pain was. "It's alright. I guess it was necessary." He turned his head around, groaning slightly, to glance behind him. I watched his profile for a moment, sinking into a shy sort of excitement. Something happened? That was rather vague. And I had even vaguer memories. But in the midst of it all I couldn't help but feel somewhat … hopeful? Nervous, I turned my stare back up to the sky, barely able to believe it. "We defeated the titans?" I repeated breathlessly.

"Yeah. You, my friend, are the last of those beasts in this world."

"Wow." I stared up at the sky for a long time, hearing him turn and sensing his eyes on me. I wanted to meet his gaze, but I was terrified of what would happen when I did. But it wasn't a bad kind of terror. I felt … exhilarated. Again, it was foolish of me to cling onto such a flimsy hope. But I had already tried to forget about Levi, and now I was starting to believe that I never would succeed in that. Maybe I didn't need to. I couldn't get rid of the memories of his electric touch, his heat swollen deep inside my body, the sting of his whip and his words and the ache of my heart whenever I looked at him since. I couldn't forget, but I could accept it. And maybe one day I would be able to move on. However, I was done lying — to myself most of all — and I knew that today wasn't that day. So for now I would just admit how purely contented I felt to be with him alone, to have his attention, to know that every thought in his head right now was of me and him. I felt the need to bask in it for a moment. The sky, the glory, the entanglement of ourselves. Me and Levi … there was nothing holding us back any longer, nothing holding us down. Maybe we were not meant to be together. But I wanted to be with him, just for today.

"Oi, Eren … how does it feel to have your dream fulfilled?"

His voice kissed my ears like delicate flowers. That's right, I realised. We're outside the walls. I felt almost overwhelmed that he even remembered such a tiny whim of mine, probably mentioned no more than once in passing. I sighed, contemplating the expanse of sky before me. "It feels … like now I have control over my own destiny." He snorted a little, and I laughed. "What's your dream, Levi?"

"Me? Killing titans, I guess. Getting out of the gutters. But dreams are kinda silly little things to have, right? What do you do when they are finally realised, anyway?"

"Be happy?" I suggested, smiling slightly as he huffed in playful annoyance.

"Happy," he pondered. "Ah, yeah, this empty feeling. That's it. Like … like there's nothing left to clean." I laughed easily, floating on the tremor in his voice. What had once been so silky was now rough as sand, but it was his so it caressed me as ever. "My new dream is to have a good night's sleep, for once in my life. What a dream to have." He leaned down and smiled at me, hiding his mouth with his arm and giving a small cough. He glanced briefly at his sleeve, and when he gave a sheepish smile his teeth were red.

I gazed at him for a moment, then found myself grinning back. Levi's mood was so pleasant, I could barely believe this bliss was reality. Was I sure I wasn't really dead? It sure felt like a dream, how ridiculous it all was. My head spun, drifting in and out with the rushing in my ears. I closed my eyes and floated on it. Probably not a dream, I decided in the end. I doubted that I could imagine such an extraordinary beauty.

"Eren," came his voice again. "C'mere … You gotta see this. Can you sit up?"

I nodded, and leaned up on what was left of my elbows with difficulty. He reached out and I held onto him, just for balance, as his icy touch sent shivers through my skin. He took my arms gently, as if we were dancing partners about to waltz. For a quick second our eyes met and I felt my excitement climb. I wanted to touch him. Hold him. Feel him. But not yet. He gestured behind him with his head.

I blinked, resting my chin on his shoulder and sinking against his body as I peered in the direction of his nod. The earth beyond us was a deep blue, stretching for miles and miles as far as I could see in every direction. The landscape was like nothing I had ever seen before and I squinted, trying to understand what I was seeing. The sun seemed to glare off the surface, the sky reflected in an immense fluidic mirror; slow, rapid, stormy, peaceful, and breathtakingly beautiful all at once. The colours splashed in streaks of green and blue across the expanse of land, and narrow white hills were painted across it … but the hills were moving, rising, falling, churning, crumbling; a never-ending flow. Where it met the sand the blue earth grew in mountains raised high, higher than a person or even two, and I watched in wonder as the hills crested and crashed down on the shore, swept up and sank into the darkened sand, then rushed back out peacefully only to come and crash again on the shore a few moments later.

I realised it now, that that bite to the air was salty. The rushing in my ears swelled in time to the sea.

Levi turned his face to me as best he could. I felt his breath and a great sigh came over me. "How is it?" he asked.

I nodded, my words stolen away by the sight. I couldn't draw my eyes away. Levi held me loosely, his head settling against my chest. I gave him a small squeeze and nuzzled him gently with my face for lack of hands to hit him with. "Here … turn around and see."

"Nah," he croaked, leaning his head against my shoulder and turning his head towards the sky. "I'm a'ight."

"Levi." I grappled with him for a moment, and eventually he got fed up and indulged my little wish. His body was languid and moved with the greatest difficulty, clinging onto me and slipping in the sand. Nonetheless, he tried, groaning and huffing and once letting out a little whimper. I realised quickly that every movement for him was pure agony. He screwed up his eyes and grit his teeth as he finally came around to face the ocean, falling heavily against my side. Then instead of looking out at the view, he turned his face up to me. His eyes were unfocused for a moment, but somehow they searched my face and eventually steadied when they found my eyes. Then he glanced at the water, his eyelids lowered wearily. I stared at him, my heart feeling like it was bursting from my chest. "See?" I asked. My voice was tiny, trembling. "Isn't it amazing?"

He nodded, unable to speak for lack of breath. When he caught it — as best he could, anyway — his words choked out. "I'm sorry, Eren … You should be seeing this with Armin … Mikasa. Your friends."

"You're my friend, too," I said. He sighed and I felt my throat catch. "I'm glad to see this with you, Levi."

"Yeah, kid … me too." He chuckled a little, then groaned and grabbed his stomach. He coughed, lifting his elbow to shield it. He gulped a few times, wheezing, seemingly finding it hard to repress the gagging any longer. "Heh … I haven't had a friend for awhile. Not since the first time … I came out here."

The sea forgotten, I gaped at him as he found handholds in parts of my shirt. "Who were your friends?"

He blinked up at me, then looked away with a small frown. "Their names were Farlan … and Isabel. They're gone now … like everyone." He paused, a hint of a laugh forming on his lips. "Not you, though. You maniac … You bloody amazing fool."

For a moment we were silent, listening to the waves. His breathing was erratic, laboured and frantic. I didn't mention it. I didn't want to think about what it meant. My body was so weak I could barely sit up, but I held onto him anyway.

"Eren," he gasped. "They're gonna come for us."

"No."

"Yeah. We're renegades now. You fucking idiot."

I had a brief coughing fit, feeling my stomach and throat burn as the taste of blood filled my mouth. My skin felt clammy and dirty, exhausted from shifting so many times in succession. My voice was growing weaker. I ignored that, too. "Maybe they won't find us." He didn't say anything. "We can live here. I'll build a cabin with my hardening power, once I've recovered. We can stay here, together, and live off the land. We'd be free, Levi. No more walls."

"No more walls," he agreed solemnly. He shuddered, his arm clutching me tighter as he stifled a groan. His body was shaking, his hands slick with blood. "Eren … you idiot. Don't you know … I'm fucking dying?"

I pulled him close, pressing my lips into his hair, and screwing my eyes shut tight. What was I thinking? Why did I bring him here to die? "Yeah," I whispered. "Levi … I'm so sorry."

"Ah … whatever," he sighed. I looked down and he turned his face up to me. His mouth worked hard to suppress his pain, his thin brow screwed up in consternation. What the hell had I done? Why did I desert? Levi needed a doctor, but I abandoned the wall and brought him here instead. Why would I do something so stupid? But something still didn't make sense. He said he got shot, right? But why — why would someone on our side shoot humanity's strongest after the battle was already won? It didn't make any sense. So the real question was: what the hell had Levi done?

I wasn't sure I wanted to know. But if he went back there now he'd surely be arrested for it. And I couldn't bear to think of Levi living out the rest of his life in chains. I know I wouldn't want that. I'd rather die.

I gasped slightly. So, maybe I really did bring him here to die.

"Doesn't madder," he said. "I don't wanna … stop flying." He coughed, his body shaking as he clutched me. "A normal life … kuh, fuckin' spare me. I wanna die flying."

I realised for the first time with earth-shaking consequence that I felt exactly the same way. I looked from each of his eyes to the other, and he gazed back at me for the longest time.

"I love you," I said quietly, my eyes filling with tears. "Please … please don't leave me here all alone."

He gave a grunt, swallowed some blood, and wiped his face on his arm. Then he reached out and his hand fell clumsily around my neck. With the other hand, he grabbed half a sword that was lying on the ground and stuck it in the sand to support us both. Then he looked at me, and suddenly started laughing, his eyes glistening as they locked with mine. I remembered the sounds of distant sobs, a burst of steam, the crack of bones beneath my foot. Levi chuckled, muffled and painful, which rose slowly into a wild cackle. "Eren … you know, it was my job to kill you if you went berserk. And you did, you magnificent little shit. Haha!" He grinned at me, clutching my shirt and looking quite mad. "Well, Eren," he wheezed, "what would you have me do?"

I found myself sharing his smile. I liked it, seeing him come undone. But his eyes were strong and steady, controlled. He was always controlled, even in frantic excitement like this. I felt my breaths growing fainter, a giddiness filling my brain as he held me in his arms and his teasing threat lit a fire in my veins. My heart beat wildly for him, for him to take charge of me one last time. I started laughing, too.

His eyes narrowed, fingers curling around the sword handle. He chewed his bottom lip, then licked them. "Well, kiss me, you shitty brat!"

I exhaled a small laugh, and leaned down to press my lips roughly against his. It was an order, after all, and I obeyed with delight. His hand on my neck tightened weakly, his other arm wrenching the sword out of the ground and reaching up to wrap around me. I clutched him with whatever I could, tasting blood as our mouths opened, tongues crashing together in dizzying passion. It was hot inside, wet and red like the backs of my eyelids and burning me up from the inside. I could feel a hole inside me begging to be filled by him; a gaping wound to be cauterised by his heat; a fatigue only to be cast aside by his strength. I'd die if he left me, and I refused to let him go. I wanted to fuse with him, melt into him, catch fire and burn up to ashes. My body was made for this purpose, not for the heat of revenge but for the fire of passion. I wanted to give up everything to him, to feed his life and feel his power in the ultimate sense. I wanted him to carve himself into my body one last time.

He pulled away and turned his eyes up to the sky. When I looked up, there were so many birds. "Hey," he coughed, "this view isn't so bad." I felt his ragged breath on my skin.

I'm so happy, I kept thinking. I'm so happy, so incredibly happy. Alone with Levi, with nothing left of the world I once knew but him. He was so much more than enough. He was the magnificent chaos of the ocean, the dazzling tyranny of the ice covered lands, the smouldering rage of flaming water. He was the Sun and the stars to me. He was water and food and air, and I would drink and feast and breathe in every morsel, every drop and every puff. This world, this freedom would mean nothing if he were not here by my side. Shiganshina was so far away, and so was that ache in the corners of my limbs where I vaguely knew no hands or feet would grow back like lizard's. No, not this time. I was dying, too. I didn't care. My purpose had been fulfilled, my only wish granted. And I was with him. I think, in that moment I was aware of everything. All the pain, all the loss, and the suffering, too. But it was over now. I had found a new place, here, together with Levi. My beautiful, wonderful, masterful Levi who belonged to me and to whom I was bound, eternally. I had lived a full life, in these few short minutes on this strip of sand by the sea of salt.

His hand found my face, dragging me close and kissing me again, as his other arm hooked around my shoulder and pressed my body tightly against his. He was suddenly stronger, eager, energy surging through him and spilling out into me. This was our love. Turbulent, terrifying, terrific. Like the ocean. Like flying.

Levi looked searchingly into my eyes for a last moment, and I saw and felt the light draining. He pulled me against his shoulder. I felt a cold line against the back of my neck and gasped, my pulse rising. My eyes flew open, looking out at the great sea of salt. My vision blurred as tears fell from my eyes.

Stupidly happy, I thought. Enough to make up for it all. Enough to fill a lifetime.

"Levi," I laughed in a whisper. "Let me fly with you."

"Yes," he replied, and I blinked back the tears as I smiled and laughed. I would stay with him, until the end. We would never have to be apart. I was chained to him, and he would fly. Gliding, on wings of freedom.

I took a deep breath, watching the waves crash to the shore. The sea, the sky, the world was ours. Ah, but this place really was paradise.