Compatible

"Percy!" Ron Weasley said angrily as he clambered down the stairs and into the living room.

Percy looked up from his copy of the Daily Prophet. "Oh, Ron," he said, folding the paper and standing up. "You're here. Excellent. Do sit."

Ron didn't sit. "Don't take this the wrong way, mate, but what the hell - " he jabbed his finger at the cover of the pamphlet in his hand " - is this?"

Percy adjusted his horn-rimmed glasses. "It appears to be a booklet."

"Arranging Your Advantageous Marriage, it says." Ron dropped his pamphlet on the coffee table and crossed his arms. "It's got a Ministry seal in the corner."

"Indeed it does."

"You work at the Ministry."

Percy sighed. "If you would sit - "

"Why did you slide a brochure about arranged marriages under my door, Percy?"

"I won't be discussing the booklets until everyone else is present," Percy said. "Please wait patiently in the living room. I imagine they'll be along shortly." He turned on his heel and started toward the kitchen.

Ron snatched his pamphlet back off the table and followed. "I've got a girlfriend, Percy," he said. "Hermione and I are together, in case you've forgotten, and we're doing quite well."

"I'm sure you are." Percy flicked his wand at a cupboard; a glass jumped down into his hand. "Tea?"

Ron slammed the pamphlet down on the counter. "No, I don't want any bloody tea. I want to know why you're sliding marriage propaganda under my door!"

Percy shrugged and began to fill his glass with tea from a pitcher on the counter. "You'll just have to wait. You're the first one here."

"First one - what do you mean? Who else is coming?"

"George. Ginny. Everyone in the family, really. I've owled them all their booklets, along with instructions to meet here at the Burrow at their earliest conveniences."

Ron groaned as he followed Percy back into the living room. "Why do you do things like this?" he asked, sinking into the sofa. "Things are finally starting to get back to normal. Better than normal - I've got a girlfriend. And if she sees me with a bloody booklet about marriage - "

"Percy?" a bemused Arthur Weasley asked, coming around the corner with an Arranging Your Advantageous Marriage pamphlet in his hand. "Do you know anything about this, son?"

"Welcome, Father," Percy said with a broad smile as he gestured toward the empty armchair. "Please have a seat. So glad you could make it."

"I live here," Arthur said, but Percy had already turned his attention toward the fireplace, where a whoosh of green flames had just spat out a disheveled-looking Ginny.

"Ginny!" Percy said brightly. "Welcome. So glad you could - "

"Is everyone okay?" Ginny interrupted, crossing quickly to her father and enveloping him in a hug. "I came as fast as I could. Who's hurt?"

"Someone's hurt?" Arthur asked, eyes going wide. "Is it Charlie? If I've told him once, I've told him a thousand times, dragons are dangerous creatures - "

"Nobody's hurt," Ron said, rolling his eyes.

"But Percy's letter - "

"Percy's a giant prat. We're all fine."

Ginny whirled to face Percy. "Your letter said it was urgent."

"It is urgent," Percy said gravely. "If you'll look at your booklet - "

"I walked out of Charms to come here," she said. "I thought something had happened. I've got NEWTS next month, Percy, I can't exactly afford to leave my lessons unless there's an emergency."

"If you'll have a seat," Percy said, pointing to the empty space on the sofa, "I'll be happy to explain everything."

Ginny narrowed her eyes and sat down next to Ron. "Explain."

"Can I get you anything to drink?" Percy asked. "Tea? Coffee?"

Ginny opened her mouth to tell him exactly where he could put his coffee when a loud crack sounded outside and George came bursting through the front door, Arranging Your Advantageous Marriage in hand. No sooner had Percy offered him a beverage when Charlie arrived on broomstick, followed by a parcel-laden Molly Weasley just back from Diagon Alley and, looking nauseated from their trip on the Knight Bus, Bill and Fleur.

"I'd like to thank you all for coming on such short notice," Percy said when his family had arranged themselves in the living room. "I suppose you're wondering why you're here."

"I had to close up the joke shop to do this," George said. "What made you decide to call a family meeting on a Wednesday afternoon?"

"This couldn't wait." Percy produced a copy of Arranging Your Advantageous Marriage. "Kindly open your booklets to page two."

"Perce, can you just cut to the chase?"

"Ministry business," Percy said. "Have to go in order of the booklets. Page two, please."

With a chorus of groans, the Weasleys opened their pamphlets.

"Can I look on with you?" Ginny asked Ron. "I left mine at Hogwarts, I was in such a hurry to get here."

"Sure, take it." Ron handed her the pamphlet and began to pick at a splinter sticking out of his wand. "Paraphrase it for me later, will you?"

"As you can see," Percy said, clutching the coffee table like a podium, "the Ministry has plans to implement a new policy regarding the marriage of wizards and witches. More and more often we're seeing parents of the wizarding community handling their offspring in undesirable ways: squibs go off and marry muggles, which results in magical children whose parents have no idea how to raise them. Or occasionally full-blood wizards copulate with muggles, and then some of those children turn out muggles while some turn out magical, and secrets are blurted and memory charms are botched . . . it's a nightmare for the Ministry."

"I don't see what this has to do with me," Bill interrupted. "I've got a wife, in case you'd forgotten."

"Yes, well, perhaps not for much longer," Percy said cryptically.

"Not for much - what are you talking about, not for much longer?"

"Yes, Percy, what does zees mean?" Fleur asked menacingly, narrowing her eyes.

"It means . . . oh, dear, how do I explain." Percy licked his lips. "You - are - not - an - advantageous - match," he said loudly in Fleur's direction. "It's - all - in - the - booklet!"

"The problem's not her English, mate," Bill said, wrapping an arm around Fleur's shoulders.

Percy reddened slightly. "If we could kindly refrain from interruptions," he said, tapping his booklet again. "I'll continue the seminar." He cleared his throat. "Now. The Ministry has decided to implement an experimental new program that will match all registered witches and wizards with their most compatible partners. By keeping muggles out of the equation entirely, we hope to dramatically decrease the number of magical children who end up confused and/or abandoned." He looked around appraisingly. "Any questions so far?"

"Yeah," Ron said, thrusting his hand in the air. "When did you go absolutely barking mad?"

Percy sighed. "Any legitimate questions?"

"What's all this got to do with us?" Charlie asked.

"I'm glad you asked." Percy made a show of turning his booklet to page three. "The program is still in its infancy, so I've taken the liberty of signing us up to participate in the trial stages." He looked around expectantly. "I've chosen your spouses for you."

The living room was silent.

Percy's smile slipped a little. "It's a highly coveted honor," he said. "You'll all go down in history for this."

Blank stares.

"Well, if there are no questions, then I suppose we can move on to page four." Percy cleared his throat and pointed to a chart. "Here you will find the name of your future wife - or husband, in Ginny's case. All matches are final and legally binding."

"Legally binding?" George repeated. "I don't recall you asking me to sign anything."

"And I'm married," Bill said. "That's pretty legally binding too, wouldn't you say?"

"You may have to annul the marriage," Percy said, "but it's a simple procedure, I assure you."

Bill let out a laugh. "I'm not going to annul my marriage for your bloody - "

"Millicent Bulstrode?" Ron yelled, jumping to his feet. "It says I'm with Millicent Bulstrode?"

"The Bulstrodes have a very impressive ancestry," Percy said. "There was a Minister Bulstrode once."

"I'm not doing this." Ron looked as if he were going to be sick. "I'm not going anywhere near that Slytherin cow."

"I'm afraid you'll have to, Ron, for the sake of the program."

"Mum," Ron said, rounding on Molly. "You can't honestly expect us to go along with this."

"It's not up to Mum." Percy flipped to the front of the pamphlet and pointed at the Ministry seal. "Legally binding, remember? How can we be sure our little experiment is working if everyone backs out?"

"Mum," Ron begged.

Molly pressed her mouth into a line. "We just got him back, Ronald."

Ron's jaw dropped. "You want us to play along with this?"

"Just until it all blows over. Take her on a date or two. It might even work out."

A look of horror crossed Ron's face. "Mum!"

"Hey!" Ginny said brightly, pointing to her name on the chart. "It says I'm with Harry!"

"Ah, yes!" Percy opened his booklet back to page four. "Mr. Potter is very compatible with you. Congratulations."

"Ginny gets to stay with Harry, but I've got to go with Millicent Bulstrode?"

"Wait a mo'," George said from his seat by the fireplace. "You've put me with Hermione."

"WHAT?"

"Calm down, Ron, honestly." Percy shook his head. "George, the compatibility test likely put you with Miss Granger because of your opposing personalities. It is best for parents to have a wide range of talents and expertise so they are fully equipped to deal with whatever needs their children have."

"How is anyone in the world more of an opposite to Hermione than me?" Ron asked.

"I didn't write the test, Ron."

"Oh, look!" Molly said excitedly. "It matched me up with you, Arthur!"

"I'm supposed to marry Katie Bell," Charlie said, wrinkling his nose. "She's a bit young for me, don't you think?"

"She's also engaged to Oliver Wood," Ginny said.

Charlie smirked. "Percy, you can't ask me to break up an engagement."

"Why not?" Bill asked. "He's asking me to break up my marriage." He pointed at his name on the chart. "Apparently my wife-to-be is Penelope Clearwater."

"Who is zees Penelope?" Fleur fumed, rounding on Bill. "An old girlfriend, perhaps? A former lover?"

"Yes," Bill said, snaking an arm around Fleur's waist. "But oddly enough, she's Percy's former lover."

Percy shrugged. "You two are obviously more compatible than she and I ever were. No hard feelings, I assure you."

"So who'd it put you with, Perce?" asked George.

"Alicia Spinnet," Percy said. "The test found us 96% compatible. With my intellect and her athletic abilities, we're an extremely advantageous match."

George snorted. "Does Alicia know?"

"Not yet."

"Were you planning on telling her?"

"Of course."

"And how might that exchange go, exactly?"

Percy frowned. "What do you mean?"

"Are you going to send her an Arranging Your Advantageous Marriage pamphlet?" Charlie asked, grinning.

"Of course not. I'll probably ask her if we can meet somewhere for lunch, and I'll explain the new system to her then."

"Have you ever spoken to Alicia in your life?" George asked.

"Well, not really, no. But - "

"D'you know what she looks like?"

"Like a woman, I imagine," Percy said stiffly.

Ginny stood up. "I'm going back to Charms," she said, scooping up a handful of Floo powder and stepping into the fireplace. "Lovely to see you all. I'll be sure to tell Hermione you're dating Millicent Bulstrode, Ron."

Ron groaned. "Don't you dare."

Ginny smirked and tossed her Floo powder at her feet. "Gryffindor Common Room," she said, and with a whoosh she was gone.

"I should be getting back, too," Charlie said.

"When are you going to owl Katie Bell?" Percy asked.

Charlie rubbed the back of his neck. "Erm. I'm not going to do that."

"If Charlie doesn't have to, then I don't have to," Ron said.

"Still married," Bill reminded them, holding up his left hand to show off his wedding band.

"I'll date Hermione if it irritates Ron," George said. "Kidding," he added hastily when Ron drew his wand. "I said I was kidding!"

"Come, now," Percy said in a voice that quivered with frustration. "You have to at least try!"

"Tell you what," Charlie said. "You get Alicia to agree to this arranged marriage thing, and then I'll propose to whomever you want."

"So will I," George said. "We all will."

"Speak for yourself," Ron grumbled.

Percy set his mouth in a hard line. "You mean it?"

"I mean it." Charlie offered his hand, and Percy shook. "But if Alicia says no, then you will never bring this matter up again."

"Deal."

"Good."

Percy turned to gather up his booklets, looking rather pleased with himself. "Meeting adjourned," he said. "Thank you all for coming. I'm off to write a letter to Alicia."

The rest of the family disbanded; Charlie zoomed away on his broomstick while Bill and a visibly distraught Fleur went out to flag down the Knight Bus. Ron grabbed George's arm as he walked outside to Apparate back to the joke shop. "You still keep in contact with Alicia, don't you?" he asked.

"She works in Diagon Alley. I see her from time to time."

"Will you tell her to say no?"

George shrugged. "I wouldn't mind being married to Hermione, to be honest."

Ron groaned. "Come on, George."

George laughed and pulled out of Ron's grip. "Are you really worried?"

"He said they're 96% compatible."

"So? Use your head, Ronald. Regardless of the numbers, why would anyone agree to marry Percy?"

"I don't want to take the chance."

George clapped his brother on the shoulder. "I'll talk to her."

Ron exhaled. "Thank you."

"Oh, no, don't thank me."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm going to tell her that she and Percy would make a beautiful couple."

"George. Don't."

"Better get used to the sound of Millicent Weasley," George said with a wink, and then he turned on the spot and vanished with a loud crack.

Percy had been sitting in a booth at the Leaky Cauldron for nearly ten minutes when Alicia Spinnet finally walked in.

Her hair was drenched from the rain; it cascaded down her back in gentle waves that were only a shade lighter than the dark wood of the table he'd reserved for them. She was tall - all the Gryffindor Chasers were tall - but he hadn't remembered just how long her legs were. He'd never really looked before. "Percy?" she said when he caught her eye.

He stood so quickly that his lap banged into the table. "Alicia," he said, trying not to wince.

"So good to see you!" Her face broke into a smile as she shrugged out of her red rain coat. "I'm sorry I'm late. Got caught in the rain." She fumbled in her pocket for her wand. "Ventus." A column of hot air shot out of her wand and blasted the water droplets from her rain coat. "Much better." She folded it over her arm and slid into the seat across from him. "So. What can I do for you?"

Percy sat back in the booth and swallowed. "I got you some coffee," he said, sliding a mug to her. "I wasn't sure how you take it."

"Thanks, Percy." Alicia curved her right hand around the mug and raised it to her lips - and he found himself noticing just how red they were against her tanned skin, which made him feel nervous all over again.

"I have some Ministry business to discuss with you."

"That sounds official." But she was smiling as if they were old friends, as if they already shared secrets and a history and something more than just a letter about advantageous marriages, and damn it, had she always been this beautiful?

(Percy wondered whether he was biased because he already knew they were going to end up together.)

"Small talk, first," he blurted, and then his face turned pink. "Erm. How's the bookshop?"

"Flourish and Blotts is incredible," Alicia said, spreading those red lips in a smile. "I'm Assistant Manager now, right below Mr. Blotts himself. It's been the most incredible year of my life."

"Has it?"

"It's a great schedule, too," Alicia said, and Percy wasn't listening anymore, he was running away with fantasies about a wedding at the Burrow and three well-behaved children and a house full of books and Mrs. Alicia Weasley.

"But how about you?" Alicia asked, snapping him out of his daydream. "You've got official Ministry business? Sounds exciting."

"Yes. Erm. About that business." Percy slipped his hand into his pocket and pulled out a neatly folded Arranging Your Advantageous Marriage. "I wanted to discuss something with you."

"Fire away." She had her hand wrapped around that coffee mug again, and he wanted to reach out and thread his fingers through hers.

"There's a new program at the Ministry," he said, trying and failing to meet those deep brown eyes. "There's a test - strictly in its initial stages - and it matches up witches and wizards with their - well, here. Read this." He slid his booklet across the table.

Eyebrows arched, Alicia began to read. "Oh, Percy," she said when she came to the chart on page four. "That's why you asked me here."

"Erm. Well. Yes."

Her dark eyes flicked to his. "How does the test work?" she asked.

"It can tell by your wand," he said. "Every wand has a unique combination of wood, core, and length. So we use Mr. Ollivander's records to match each registered wand - that is, each wand that has already chosen a witch or wizard - with the wand that best complements it." He licked his lips. "And for my wand, it was yours."

(He was imagining her look of sorrow. He was. He was.)

"We're 96% compatible," he tried lamely.

"D'you remember when we were at Hogwarts?" she asked. "You were a fourth-year, and I was in second?"

"I remember."

"And I would run around with Fred and George all the time," she said softly, "and you would yell at us when we made too much noise in the common room. Remember?"

Percy nodded. "I do."

"But you came to our Quidditch matches. Every single one. You brought your homework so you could study while you watched us." She had a faraway look in her eyes. "I never understood that. How you could focus on schoolwork with hundreds of people screaming and cheering, but a little bit of laughing in the common room was too much for you to bear." She blinked, and the focus returned to her eyes. "I never understood you."

He knew where this was going. "The test doesn't lie, Alicia. It isn't wrong."

"We weren't even friends," she said. "I've spoken to you a total of about six times in my life, including right now, and you're asking me to marry you?"

His face was very red. "I did it wrong. I should have taken you on a date first."

She shook her head. Her hair had begun to dry; it was damp now, but it still hung in waves, and somehow it didn't look quite as beautiful as it had before. "I'm engaged, Percy," she said, pulling her left hand out from under the table and wrapping it around her coffee mug. A small diamond sparkled on her fourth finger. "To Mr. Blotts at the bookshop."

The blood drained from his face. "Engaged."

"Yes. Wedding's in the fall."

"But - but the test."

Alicia shook her head. "I don't care what any test says."

Percy looked down at the table. "Oh."

"Trust me, Percy, this is a good thing. I wouldn't have been able to make you happy."

"What type of wand has he got?" Percy asked. "I can run it through the system and find him a new soul mate as well."

She laughed a little. "Or you can put down your rulebook and find someone entirely on your own, like the rest of the world."

"Sounds so easy, when you put it like that."

"It is." Alicia drained the last of the coffee from her mug and stood up. "I've got to run back to the bookshop," she said, passing the Arranging Your Advantageous Marriage pamphlet back to him. "But try something for me."

He looked up. "What?"

"Ask out the next woman you see." Alicia slid into her red rain coat and reached into the pocket to fish out a handful of sickles. "Don't worry about whether your test says you complement each other or not. Just go for it." She winked and turned toward the door. "See you around, Percy!" she called over her shoulder.

Percy raised his hand in a half-hearted wave. "See you around."

"All finished here, sir?" asked the waitress, eyeing Alicia's empty coffee mug.

Percy looked up. "All finished."

"Great." She reached for Alicia's coffee mug, lips curved up in a small smile.

Percy sucked in a deep breath. "What's your name?" he asked.

She raised her eyebrows and tucked a lock of blonde hair behind her ear. "Audrey," she said.

"Audrey." He closed his fist around the Arranging Your Advantageous Marriage booklet. "Erm. This may be an strange question, but what kind of wand have you got?"

She looked at him oddly. "Phoenix core," she said finally. "Ten inches."

"And the wood?"

"Rowan."

He ran through the checklist in his head.

Not one of their traits was compatible.

"Would you like to have coffee sometime?" he asked.

[2015 Gift Giving Extravaganza: Percy/Alicia, for Mew]

[2015 New Years Resolution Challenge: Arranged Marriage]