Part 6 (Last one!)

…you thought I didn't care…

You're pathetic

She hadn't come out and said those words exactly, but they are the ones that play throughout my mind like a broken record.

You're pathetic

Pathetic

Pathetic

And she's right. Of course, she's right. I am a pathetic coward.

I hadn't expected it to end so badly. I hadn't meant to handle things so horribly. It was never my intention for things to go up in flames so quickly, but how could I even begin to explain? How could I have hoped to pull away when I felt as though she had just secured me in shackles and thrown away the key?

So I avoided her all weekend. I did my best to keep my mind away from her and the image of her sleeping form curled up in bed, though my fingers itched to call or text her. I wanted to let her know I was sorry. I wanted to let know I hadn't meant for things to escalate so quickly. I wanted to apologize for my lack of control.

But come Monday I was determined to meet her. I was determined to stop and say…something. Anything!

But the words had quickly turned to nausea as I passed her locker, my stomach rolling and rocketing until I had to walk away, grateful that she was had not yet arrived.

Instead, I went to the pretty girl who had been aching for my attention. Anything to keep my mind off the one I actually wanted to see.

I avoided.

But of course, Bella had seen right through that. She had fired away words that struck like a sharp slap against my face, laced with truth and hurt. She had taken a hammer and crushed the cuffs that kept her bond to me, destroying the chains so she was free to walk away.

And there I stood, shackles securely placed and chains that rattled with regret and guilt every time I saw her.

You're pathetic

o.0.o

I do my best to push forward. To forget.

It shouldn't be this hard.

Bella Swan was never mine to begin with. I shouldn't miss her as much as I do. I shouldn't see her lying on my pillows, her hair fanned out and her brown eyes shifting colors.

I shouldn't hear her laugh as I flip through TV channels.

I shouldn't smell the wildflower perfume in my car.

But I do. The ghost of her lingers in every space we ever shared.

I hate it.

o.0.o

The air is heavy with smoke, both from the bonfire and Seth's never ending supply of pot. The boy spends half his life high as a kite.

Though the last few snow piles have melted away to puddles, the air still clings to winter's chill. The bonfire is more than just a decorative statement as teenage bodies huddle close. My hoodie offers little warmth, but the fire is deliciously warm.

I find I'm having a hard time interacting with my group of friends. But my accompaniment to the beach seems to satisfy most of them, and they leave me be, sitting on a piece of driftwood.

Jasper, always attuned to even my slightest mood change, slides up next to me. It's both a benefit and a nuisance that Jasper has been my best friend since grade school.

His fingers are holding on the neck of a beer bottle, too cold to actually grasp the body. It's too cold to be at the beach really, but it's the nicest day we've had since early October, and no one is willing to let the day go to waste.

"Gina's been staring at you for like the last twenty minutes. Throw the girl a bone," Jasper jokes, nudging my shoulder. I shrug him off, looking away from the flames and to his face.

"Who?" I ask, and he motions toward the girl sitting across from me. She is wrapped in a heavy blanket, beer can in her hand and talking animatedly to Maggie. "That's Gianna, you fool."

"Whatever. Who gives a fuck?" His words are uncharacteristically harsh, but I know he is still bitter over his failure with Maria. When he had finally told her how he felt—after months of being her fucking puppy dog—she had roughly let him down. She'd accused him of trying to make things complicated and wanting to ruin their friendship—which wasn't as much of a friendship since Jasper was practically treated like her personal slave.

"I'm not really in the mood to talk to her. She's annoying as shit," I admit. The girl is pretty, I'll give her that, but everything she says is a ruse to get a compliment of some sort.

"That's never stopped you before. 'Sides from the way she's looking at you, I don't think she'd mind if you kept the talking at a minimal," Jasper goads, taking another swig of his beer. I shrug,

"I'm just not feeling her."

"What's been eating you, man?"

"Nothing," I say, not wanting to do this now. I don't want to talk deep shit around my drunk and hormonal friends. Especially when the air is numbingly cold, and I can barely think about anything beside the heat of the fire and how to get more of it without actually falling in.

"This about Bella?" he asks and saying her name causes a spiral of images to run through my mind. The same exact images I've been trying so hard to keep away.

It's not that it would be so easy to imagine her there with me. It's not. Bella wouldn't fit with this group of people. But I think that's why it was so refreshing to keep her around. I could be another person around her. I could let another side of myself come free.

I wouldn't have to force myself to sit on a piece of soggy ass drift wood, huddling around a smelly ass fire for warmth.

"Let' s not, Jay," I say, running my hand through my hair and pulling up my hood.

"I'm just saying. I liked you around her."

"It would never have worked out. I'm not staying around for her. I have my shit in order."

"Did she ever ask you, too?" he asks. I shake my head. No. But in time she would have. And she deserves someone who would stick around. Someone who's willing to follow her. If I stay, it would be for all the wrong reasons.

"It's over. I don't want to get into it." He accepts this statement and lets the subject drop. He keeps me company, and we wallow in our girl misery as we stare at the flames lick the pieces of wood.

"Fuck, its fucking freezing," a small petite body litters the air with her airy and chirpy profanities. I've never seen her around, but there are kids here I've never met; so it isn't shocking. She turns toward us with a big as smile on her face. "This what you Forks boy do for fun?"

Jasper laughs. "Well, we'd probably tip cows if we had any."

"Is that a real thing? I can't imagine people actually get a kick out of pushing over a poor defenseless cow," she says, her pretty blue eyes glinting in the light of the fire.

"My cousins sure get a kick out of it. I think the idea of getting caught is where the kick comes from," he explains.

"Your cousins? Where do they live?" she asks, and I chance a glance at Jasper. From the gooey look on his face, you'd never tell that he'd recently sworn off girls. He's already jumped off the deep end, not even caring if there's water below to break his fall.

I wonder how he can do that. How can he be so sure this girl will be different?

I know, from the way she's animatedly flirting, that she's into him, but I don't know that she won't just toss him aside.

Yet, he jumps. Every time.

I couldn't even bring myself to look over the edge.

Pathetic

o.0.o

My skin is covered in a dried layer of sweat that cracks and breaks every time I move. My legs are aching from the drills and muscles are limp with exhaustion. It's been a rough practice, and I've pushed myself more than usual.

If I concentrate on the heavy footfalls on the track, I can forget the way she smiled at him today.

If my lungs burn and ache, I can erase the memory of the time she was breathless underneath me.

If my body is in pain, maybe I can ignore the way my insides seem to ache.

"What's this, Edward?" My father says, accusation heavily laced within his voice, as soon as I step into the house. I roll my eyes, because of course some shit would pop up today. I plop my track bag on the kitchen table and turn toward him.

"What's what?" I ask, heading to the fridge.

"You've been accepted into Udub, and you haven't thought to tell your mother and I?" he scolds. A surge of heat runs up my spine as his words register. I whip toward him.

"You were snooping in my room?"

He looks abashed for a moment before his righteous parent ideology pulls him away from it.

"I have every right. You've been keeping this from us!" he shouts, slamming both my acceptance papers on the counter.

"I'm not going to Udub. As you can see, from your spying, I've been accepted into Chicago, as well."

"And if I don't pay, how do you expect for that to happen?" he asks, just a hint of the smugness I know too well slipping into his words.

"I don't know. Maybe the scholarships I've been busting my ass for. Not to mention Gram's college fund, which is under my name," I snap back, anger licking heavily down my back. I turn to head out the kitchen, his very presence igniting the fire.

"Don't you walk out on me!" he yells, reaching to grab my arm. I pull away.

"Why the fuck not?"

"HEY!" a sharp female voice is suddenly jolted into the kitchen. Both my father and I startle, turning toward the voice. My mother walks into the kitchen, placing her large black purse on the table. Her perfume immediately fills up the room, and I wonder how I could have possibly missed her entrance. "You do NOT talk to your father that way, young man."

I roll my eyes. "Thanks for finally acknowledging your relationship to me!"

My words seem to slap my mother's pristine face. Her plum shaded lips fall open in surprise, and I push away the guilt as I catch her golden green eyes cover themselves in a sheen of tears. I pretend the bile isn't rising in the back of my throat when she speaks her next words, pushed from her mouth like they come straight from her stomach. "What has gotten into you?"

I look away because I don't know how to answer that. I don't know the answer. I'm simply so tired of pretending. An anger I'm unfamiliar with has freed itself from a cage deep within my mind, and I pretend that the key doesn't have deep brown eyes and rosy cheeks.

"What has gotten into me? What about what has gotten into you? What difference does it make if I'm away at Chicago or over at Seattle? It's not like you'll miss my presence!"

"Of course we'll miss you. How can you say we won't?" My father steps up, crossing his arms in front of his chest.

"I don't know, because you're never around. You're so busy avoiding each other; you've managed to avoid me, too! It seems like you need me more to keep this shamble of a marriage together than I need you as parents."

"Edward…" my mother's voice is soft and thin like a breath. Tears have slipped down her face, and she slowly makes her way across the kitchen to join me. "Oh, baby, that was never our intention."

She reaches out to touch me and I jerk away, the anger and bitterness too thick.

She pulls back, and I chance a glance at my father. He's looking down at a scuff on the floor, avoiding eye contact.

What a mess.

I grab my eyes and head out, running away from the can I've just opened.

Pathetic

o.0.o

I'm nearly on her street before I realize I'm not welcomed there. She won't join me for a silent ride. She won't make me feel better simply with her presence.

Fuck.

I hate that I miss her. I hate that she tattoos my skin, my very being, with longing.

I don't turn onto her street, instead driving straight towards Seth's. He lives closest to her. He's not much for conversation, but I know he's good for a joint and some dulled up senses.

Which is exactly what I need.

o.0.o

I don't return home. I send a quick text to let them know I crashed at Seth's.

I don't return home until later the next day. When I do, I'm surprised to find both of them sitting at the table. They don't hear me enter, and their voices are a low buzz of conversation. My mother's tinkling laugh breaks through, and I don't know which shocks me more: her laughter or their seemingly polite conversation.

I cautiously walk into the kitchen. I don't know what to expect. It unnerves me.

They're sitting at the table, a half empty bottle of wine between them, two wine glasses resting in front of them.

My mother notices me first, dabbing a napkin on her lips to catch any strands of the burgundy wine before speaking.

"Edward. I'm glad you're home," she says. My father turns in his seat to glance at me.

"Will you join us, please?" he asks. My heart thumps at their odd behavior.

I join the table, pulling out the chair slowly. I feel like any sudden movement may break the calm mood and set them into fits of rage, which would have been closer to what I was expecting anyway.

"We thought long and hard about what you said last night," my mother starts. My eyes search hers, wondering what that means.

"Not that it couldn't be done with more respect, but we understand where you're coming from," my father adds. I'm sure I must have been thrown into an episode of twilight zone.

"You're right. We've let our problems get in the way of our parenting. That is shameful, and there is no excuse for it. We want to be better for you. We're not sure if that means together or apart, but we're willing to find out," my mother explains, her hands reaching out to grasp one of mine. I allow her to, and her thumb rubs soothing circles on the back of my hand.

"What do you mean?" I ask, my voice slipping into the room for the first time. It cracks, and I sit up straighter and clear my throat.

"My colleagues have recommended some excellent psychologist to visit. We think it could be beneficial. For all of us," my father says.

"You mean like a shrink?"

"Well, yes. Some counseling. Couple's counseling and family therapy. You're mother and I aren't sure what to do next in terms of our marriage. We'd like to fix it and work on it. We'd like to work on our family too. We'd very much like you to join us," he continues.

Their words settle in the air around me, jumbling around my head until I can pull them apart and string them together again. I don't know how I feel about it honestly. I'm not entirely sure we can be functional again.

They're making an effort, though. That's what counts, I supposed.

I shrug.

"Yeah. Ok."

o.0.o

Effort.

It makes all the differences.

I try to apply it to other parts of my life too. I put in a stronger effort in my school, my sports, in getting over her.

It pays off in some areas and burns and crashes in others.

Like when I see her walking down the street with Alec. I find the envy hasn't waned, instead it's worse. Because now he can touch her, he can kiss her, and I simply can't. It burns painfully in the bottom of my stomach, and I wish I could will away his attraction for her with my gaze alone.

She doesn't stay long, understandably. She's moving on. She's forgetting. She's doesn't appreciate the reminder.

But like a twisted perverted masochist, I enjoy just being around her again, getting to smell her wildflower scent as she pushes past. It cements the scent in my memory just as it has begun to fade.

I don't watch her leave, trying to hold onto the morsel of dignity I have left.

"That was weird," Alice comments, her mind already forgetting it as make our way to the arcade we left Jasper in. Turns out the girl at the bonfire was everything Jasper needed. She caught him as he fell, and he never would have found her if he hadn't leapt.

"Just someone I use to know," I say, and the words are bitter on my tongue.

"Well, that explains it," she says with a giggle, her eyes rolling. I nudge her petite body, and she laughs. I smile, but my good mood has been ruined for the night.

o.0.o

Why am I doing this?

Why am I bothering? She won't want to see me. She won't want to hear what I have to say.

But still, I know that I owe her an apology. I owe her the chance to throw it back in my face too.

I run my hand down my face and step out my car. She hasn't responded to the text, but I'm hoping she'll come down.

My hands shake with nerves. I don't know what about tonight caused me to come. Maybe it was seeing her friend and Alec laughing at prom. Maybe it was the subtle hope that I had even the slightest of chances. I don't know.

I'm wondering if she's even going to bother coming out when the front door swings open. I push off the car and stand straight. She comes to her front stoop and walks no further. She's wearing a pair of pajama pants and tank top.

I wonder what it would have been to see her in a gown, make-up and hair done. It would have been an experience, I'm sure.

The air is stale around us for a moment as she waits for me to approach. I do, slowly.

"I saw Alec at prom with Angela," I tell her, because I'm hoping she'll provide an explanation. She does, and I can't help but smile at her selflessness. She's never one to ask for anything. "I wish you would have come."

My words seem to stir the air around us. She looks away, and her arms cross around her tighter. Her next sentence is spoken with a fragility I hate hearing in her voice. "What do you want, Edward?"

"Take a ride with me?" I ask and do my best to keep the quiver out my voice. Her eyes meet mine in surprise, and I wonder for a brief moment if it will be the last time I get to stare into them.

She surprises me, as she always manages to do, and nods once.

I lead her into my passenger seat and quickly get into the driver's side.

I don't talk at first, allowing my thoughts to settle as I focus on the drive. I watch the street lights cast shadow over my Volvo and take in her scent. I wonder how long it will last after she is gone.

I am reluctant to talk; because I know as soon as I say my peace, there will be no reason to keep her around. I swallow some air and explain why I needed the drive.

Of course she already knows. I was blind not to see her settling underneath my skin and learning my habits in such a short time.

I shoot the arrow straight to the point.

"You were right, Bella."

"About?" she asks, fully turning her face toward me.

"About Pudge. I think he was brave. I think it takes a lot of courage to love or care about someone knowing how much they could hurt you." I don't know how I manage to get the words out, but my chest feels lighter. I was a coward. She knows that. I know that. It's about time I admitted it aloud.

"Yeah, I've been in his place," she says, the hurt still lingering in her voice. I hate that I've done that. I pull over, quickly realizing that this conversation requires my full attention. I'm not sure how I'll get through it, but it should have been done two months ago.

"I never meant to hurt you, Bella. I never meant for things to go as far as they did," I tell her. Watch as the words seem to pierce the walls she put up around her. I can see the bricks tumble right in front of me. "I'm sorry. I know the words can't possibly be enough, but I am."

"Why are you telling me this?" she asks and I can hear the quiver of tears in her voice. I pray that she doesn't cry. She's always been so strong in front of me, and I don't want to be the one that destroys that.

"Because I want to be brave. Because you deserve to hear it. Above all, I just want you to know that you were different for me, Bella."

And though the words are probably the most honest ones I've ever shared with her, she scoffs at them. It hurts that she doesn't believe it, but I've done a piss poor job at giving her reason to.

I try to better formulate my thoughts.

"I can't get you off my mind, Bella." It's true. She's everywhere, having settled herself in almost every part of my life. I see her in my bed. On my couch. In my car. "I miss you like hell, and if I thought I stood a chance, I would ask for another try." I hadn't meant to admit that, but it's the truth. I would do my best not to fuck it up and despite how badly I want another shot, I know I don't deserve it. "I hate that I hurt you, and I just want you to know."

The last words seem to break her, tears spilling over her cheeks and down to her chin. I watch them glint in the street lights for only a moment before falling down on her hands. When she takes a breath, I can almost see the vibration in the air. She wipes away the glittering pathways on her cheeks.

Her "I can't" echos in my mind. It fills the car and suffocates me. I was fully prepared for her choice and still it stings painfully on my skin. I look away from her.

She's trying not to sob. I know this choice isn't easy for her. I know I hurt her. I screwed up.

It's a fair decision really. I just didn't expect it to hurt so much. Yet I know, if I made her feel an ounce of what I'm currently feeling, I should be grateful to even be talking to her right now.

There is nothing more to be said between us, so with a final squeeze of her hand, I take her home. The drive is silent as we stew in our own hurt. I know this is the final piece in her healing process, despite it being the beginning of mine.

It takes less than five minutes to make it back to her home. She places her hand on the handle, eager to flee but something holds her back. She turns to me and offers a wry smile.

"I've talked to my mom." she says and I can't help the smile that takes over. I'm glad. I'd like to think I had a part in it, but I'm reluctant to give myself any credit.

She tells me she's going to visit during the summer, and I find it a bit relieving. Maybe in 3 months time I can look at her without feeling guilt and regret.

I share the news about my own family and am comforted by her warm smile and excitement. I've been dying to tell her since the argument, and I'm glad I can finally share the news. It gives me hope.

Maybe we can never get back to where we were, but perhaps we can be friends.

When the air has settled, she squeezes my hand in goodbye. I grasp her fingers and offer my goodbye kiss. I try not to focus on the fact that this may be the last time I get to touch her.

She steps out the car and closes the door with a resounding thud.

I drive away from her, keeping my eyes on the road and knowing her silhouette stands in my rearview mirror.

Oh my goodness, I am so late with this chapter. I know. I'm sorry. It wasn't forgotten. It just got very very busy, and I had to put this on the back burner (hopefully the length makes up for it?)

The last one folks. Tell me what ya think? Did this make you hate him, love him, forgive him? I love hearing what you think!

I don't have a sequel for this story in the works. I might post some future outtakes if Edward and Bella feel they need to share something, but other than that, this story is officially finished!

I feel like I say this way too much, but honestly THANK YOU. This story was so much fun, and I have everyone who read, recommended, reviewed, and chatted with me to thank for it. It's been so great, and you guys have been so fudging awesome. It saddens me to close this story, but it was awesome while it lasted.

Yours truly,
Tanya