The floor is hard and Leonardo lets go of the gun – is he holding a gun?

Leonardo brings up his hand to cover his eyes, wondering why it's so bright when he feels so dark inside. He can smell gunpowder, but he can't look at the gun. The feeling of failing hurts so bad he has to bite his lip in order to keep the sobs inside.

Leo had never had the time to wonder how he'd want to die. It's not like he wanted to die, but he knew that everyone had to go, so he had never had the time to wonder how he'd prefer to die. During the passing year he had struggled with that thought a little bit too much, but he was glad there had been no one to see his struggle.

At the same time he wishes there had been somebody to tell him to stop struggling.

There's sharp pain on his cheek and for a second Leo thinks that the bullet finally hit him – but there's no way, he didn't pull the trigger and there's no one else to pull it…

"– Freaking idiot! I swear to god if you don't – "

So this is just another memory. That explains why he wasn't able to pull the trigger and why he can hear Raphael shouting. He's relieved and scared at the same time, he hates hearing Raphael shout his voice hoarse and he swears to god if this is another of those dreams where Raph is telling him he's real and nothing bad happened and Leo believes it just to wake up alone–

"If you don't open your eyes NOW–"

Leo opens his eyes, gasping like there isn't enough air. The Raphael in his dreams never touches his face like this, but when he opens his eyes and when black dots dancing on his eyes finally give up he can see Raphael kneeling down next to him, holding his face.

Raphael looks angry, but his face melts into a smile he doesn't seem to be able to control. It's weird and Leo still doesn't want to trust this image created by his mind, but Raphael's smile is suddenly so gentle and his touch so warm. Leo can feel tears running down his cheeks and he wants to close his eyes and forget that this is just a dream, but Raphael's hand is on his cheek again, slapping him and causing him pain which he had been trying to achieve these past months. Why does he feel the sting now? What's different?

"Just keep your eyes on me, okay? You close your eyes longer than a second and I'll– "

"C'mon Raph, let him be, he's tired", Leo can hear Donatello's voice coming behind Raph, and with a tiny movement of his head he can see his sibling in purple. Donatello meets his eyes and smiles, looking exhausted but relieved. Leonardo doesn't understand – this isn't how his dreams go.

"Hi Leo", Don says, a bit sheepishly, releasing a breath he had probably been holding without realizing it. "Glad to see you're awake. How're you feeling?"

This is messed up. Just a messed up, stupid dream, trying to fool him, but Leo knows better than this, he can't be fooled, no more, no more, he'll just grab the gun and–

"Woah, Leo, calm down", he hears Raphael say and he's confused, usually when he grabs the gun Raphael in his dreams is telling him to do it, telling him to pull the trigger. Leo follows Raphael's confused look, being confused as well, and finds out that the 'gun' he had grasped was Raphael's hand. Leonardo let's go, letting out a shaky breath and looking at Raph, eyes wide and scared. Then he smiles a bit – it feels so real. The bitter memory of waking up like this only to find out he was living another dream, another lie, burns him, but he can feel Raphael. He raises his hand to touch Raphael's cheek– oh god, is this happiness he's feeling? Is this–

Leonardo wakes up and flies out of his bed, nearly running into his door but managing to get out without hitting his head and passing out again – oh how even the thought frightens him – and he makes it to Donatello's lab in mere seconds. His fingers go through the old boxes, old shelves, and dust floats all around him as he desperately looks for what he needs. He feels cold here because he hasn't stepped into Don's lab in months. Too lonely, so lonely, always lonely...

But no more. He finds what he was looking for and hurries out of the lab, back to his room–

His hands shake when he opens the bottle with a skull drawn on it. There's no hesitation. It tastes like chalk.

There are hands on his shoulders, plastron and face. Voices calling for him. For the first time he's afraid that they're real. But it would mean he would've been wrong; someone would hold him when it ends. It would be such a bitter end – he doesn't want it. But he doesn't have to; the heavy feeling takes him away.

Nothing stays with Leo.

And finally, Leo doesn't stay either.