If you give love and live long, then you'll never be alone

They told him it had been a blood clot. It happened while she was sleeping. It happened in his arms. One second she was breathing, living, life flowing through her veins. And then the next,

she was gone.

They sedated him. He didn't know who. It was the only thing they could do to stop the screams. But they didn't stop, they never did. Even if his voice made no sound, he screamed on the inside. They tore through his mind, through his body, and they tore through his heart.

He'd lay in medical for three days. Staring, sleeping, staring… Every time he closed his eyes he saw her again. He saw her lying limp in his arms. He saw her face, pale and cold. But worst of all he saw her eyes.. closed. And no matter how hard he tried, how desperately he wished, bargained, begged... he could never get them to open again.

In his sleep, all he dreamt were nightmares. So he decided not to dream. But wide awake, in the light of day, life was a nightmare, too.

And so, a part of him, decided not to live.

They held her funeral three days after she'd died. There'd been nothing to build a casket out of, so instead they lay her body atop a wooden bed. The grounders had made it, 'a gift' they said, to show their respects. They carried her from the Ark to the drop ship, the weight of the wood on his shoulders nothing compared to the weight in his heart, as both Sky People and Grounders alike followed behind.

Octavia had woven some flowers into her mass of blonde hair and had traced an intricate design in war paint across her head. Some said she looked like a Princess, some said she looked like a Commander, but all Bellamy saw through the tears that blurred his vision, was Clarke. The girl he'd loved too much. The girl he'd lost too soon.

Songs were sung and words were said. They spoke of her courage, they spoke of her bravery, and they spoke of her heart, but Bellamy didn't say anything at all. He stood in silence and he watched as they lowered her into the ground, into the space next to Wells. He watched as they covered her body with dirt, pile by pile. He watched until there was nothing left of her to see.

The crowd had dispersed slowly. Flowers were left, and condolences were exchanged. Abby remained hunched over by her daughter's grave, sobbing and shaking, until it all became too much. It was only then that Kane wrapped her in his arms, and carried her away. But Bellamy remained. He stood a few meters back, standing, and staring in silence. A part of him felt like he should say something, but his mind couldn't formulate a single word.

He hadn't left to go back with the others, he hadn't been ready to. How was he supposed to move on from this? How was he supposed to go back, when he didn't have anything, anyone, to go back to.

Octavia had walked up beside him and squeezed his arm, her voice laced with pity. "Come on Bell, it's time to go home."

He didn't want to go, he didn't want to stay. But most of all he didn't want to live with the unshakeable feeling that now, he was alone. He turned to face her, then looked back towards the drop ship, before resting his gaze back at the grave.

"I have no home."

Three weeks had passed since the funeral. Bellamy had tried his best to make himself useful around Camp, having something to work on took his mind off of everything else. Lexa had sent for him twice, requesting his presence to "discuss the political situation" between the two, but he'd turned his back on both of the messengers, telling them exactly where they could stick it.

During the day he would go on guard duty, stand by the fence with Jasper in silence, or go on scouting trips with Miller and the other guards. As long as he was moving - his eyes scanning the scene, or his footsteps running through the forest, he could he keep the pain at bay. The numbness he'd felt at Clarke's funeral had left, leaving behind an agonizing ache that refused to lift, that only worsened when he stopped. When he let the thoughts and the memories flood in.

There was nothing he could do to stop them, he'd be sitting at dinner, laying in his bed, and his head would instinctively jerk to the side, expecting to see her blonde hair next to him. Her indigo eyes piercing into his own. But then his vision would clear, and she'd be gone, and he would be alone, again.

Night fell on the camp, and he knew that soon he'd be relieved from his post. This time it was Lincoln who came to take his place. The two hadn't spoken much since Tondc, he hadn't spoken much to anyone since the funeral. He could see the apprehension in their eyes, the way they walked on glass around him. He knew how he must look to them, tired eyes - bruised and lined from the lack of sleep. Like a dead man walking. He tried to make things easier for them, by making himself scarce. He knew he wasn't easy to be around now, not with everything raging on inside of him.

Everything seemed to put him on edge. Just this morning he hadn't been able to stop himself from snapping at Raven, when all she did was suggest he get some rest. Or brushing Octavia off when she asked if he wanted to talk. Eventually they just left him to his own, and when they did approach him, Bellamy could see the pity in their eyes. The way their mouths opened and closed, trying to find the right words to say.

He hated himself for it, for the way they pitied him. This shouldn't be so hard, he thought. He should be able to pick himself up again, be the person they depended on, the one they needed. But he didn't know how to do that yet. He didn't know how to be around his people again, when everyday he was struggling to even know how to live with himself.

He quickly realized that as he'd been spacing out, Lincoln had come through the gates and was just standing next to him in silence. Waiting. Bellamy twitched his head slightly to the side, to acknowledge the fact that he knew he was there.

"You can go now, Bellamy."

He simply nodded his head and turned to leave, staring back at the forest one last time. He had already taken some steps forward when Lincoln called him again, "Bellamy, wait…"

"What?" He asked more gruffly than he'd intended.

"My people are going on patrol tonight, out near the drop ship. I just thought you should know."

Bellamy felt his blood run cold, and his fists clench at his side. "I don't know what you're talking about", he said through gritted teeth.

Lincoln's gaze didn't falter, "I think you do. Be smart."

With that the Grounder turned to face the woods, and Bellamy stood stunned before marching back to Camp.

He didn't know how Lincoln knew. No one had seen him, he'd been sure of it. He was careful to leave in the dead of night, and come back before dawn.

He walked into the male sleeping quarters that had been set aside for him and the others and went to his bunk. He tread silently, trying not to disturb the other boys who were asleep. He grabbed his pack from below the bed, and set out again.

He snuck out the side, through the gap in the fence, staying low and silent. As soon as he was out of view his pace quickened, and his step fell into a rhythmic run. In. Out. In. Out. His breaths coming out in even gasps. He ran and ran, not paying notice to his surroundings. Even in the dead of night he knew the way, he'd taken this path so many times before. The path that led to her.

As he crossed through the threshold of their old camp, Bellamy keeled over. The burning in his chest and legs finally getting the better of him. He waited like that, crouched over, until his heart rate began to steady. He stood back up straight, and walked through the old camp, past the sign, past the drop ship, until he reached what he'd came for.

He'd been coming to see her every night since the funeral. He knew it wasn't healthy, and he knew it certainly didn't help anything. It didn't quell the anger he felt, or the grief or the pain. But here, deep in the woods, was the only place he found some semblance of peace.

He sat down on the earth next to her, leaning his back against the tree the way he had the night she'd saved him from Dax. The night she'd saved him from himself. He winced at the memory, and a fresh wave of pain crashing through his body. Bellamy reached into his pack, and took out the bottle of alcohol he'd snuck from the reserves. He unscrewed it, leaned his head back and took a drink. It burned at his throat, but with every drop he felt the pain in his chest subside, lessening and lessening, until he didn't feel anything anymore. He saw the world around him blur, as he slipped into oblivion, into darkness, and into the nightmares once more.

The light was stinging his eyes, everything was too bright - the colours too vivid. He shielded his eyes with his hand, as he tried to take in the scene around him. He was inside the drop ship, light seeping in through the curtained door, but something else caught his eye. He also wasn't alone. He could just barely make out the outline of a girl, standing in the shadows just a few feet away.

"Clarke?", he choked out, as he tried to stand. She took a step closer to him, and he blinked hard and rubbed at his eyes, making sure what he was seeing was actually real. He crossed the space between them in less then a second, and crushed her body to his. He enveloped her in his arms, and a part of him was worried he was causing her pain, but he felt her own arms circle around his neck, gripping him as tight as she could.

"Clarke", he breathed into her neck, never wanting to let her go.

"Hey, Bell" he felt, more than heard her say.

But it was that one word, that made him still. She'd never called him that, not in reality, only in his dreams. Dreams that now felt like a lifetime away. His arms went limp around her, and he dropped them to his sides, shaking his head and taking a step back. It was as if his senses were finally catching up with him.

This wasn't reality, of course it wasn't. He'd been stupid to even think… But he'd never dreamt her alive before, not since that night. In his nightmares, it had always been that night - her lying dead and cold in his arms. He'd thought that was the worse kind of pain imaginable, but this, this was a thousand times worse. This took his breath away. This was cruel. Seeing her like this, holding her, knowing that the moment he woke up she'd just be torn away from him all over again.

"No", he shouted. "No I don't want this! I don't want to see this!" He raised his arms to his hair, tugging at the strands - hoping that physical pain would be enough to wake him up. He yelled at himself, "Wake up, God, just please let me wake up!"

"I'm pretty sure that's not how drinking yourself into oblivion works." Clarke said, with her arms crossed, staring at him with raised brows and judgement in her voice.

Bellamy glared at her, "Oh right, because you know all about how this", he said waving his hands in a circle around them, "works, don't you Princess?"

Clarke glared at him right back, and began walking towards him, slow and threatening.

"I might not know what this is, but what I do know is that you coming here and drinking yourself to death every night isn't helping anyone. It isn't helping you."

She was so close now that Bellamy had to bow his head down to look her in the eye.

"What the hell do you care about what helps me or not?"

"Because I'm not going to let you do this to yourself any longer."

Bellamy wasn't sure where this anger had come from, and why all of a sudden he was finding it so damn hard to control.

"Yeah well in case you've forgotten, I don't take orders from you."

Her eyes cut into him like steel, staring into the very depths of his soul, "We both know that isn't true."

He shut his eyes, unable to look at her any longer. She was right, of course she was. He'd always been powerless before her, and he would have done anything in the world to protect her. But that hadn't been enough, and she'd left him anyways. She'd left him to deal with everything all alone. So what right did she have to tell him what to do anymore.

His fists clenched at his side, "I hate you", he breathed out, not trusting himself to remain composed enough to say anything else.

"No you don't", she said, her voice defiant and strong.

He sighed, "I want to. I want to so much." It would make this so much easier, if he hated her, if he had never loved her. If she'd always remained the spoiled Ark royalty, he'd made her out to be in his head. But she'd torn that image down before he could stop her, before he could protect himself from the storm she was about to bring into his life, but none of that mattered now.

"You left me," he whispered. "You left me all alone."

"Bellamy", she said, her voice beckoning him to look at her. He remained resolute, keeping his eyes shut and head bowed. It wasn't until he felt her fingers brush his jaw and curl around his chin, sending a shiver down his spine, that made him finally bring his tired eyes to meet her beautiful ones.

She reached up on her toes, circling her arms around his neck and looked into his eyes, then down at his lips before finally pressing them to his. The kiss was soft, slow, and he took his time memorizing this feeling. He traced his hands down her spine, feeling her shiver beneath his fingertips, before gripping her waist and bringing her closer to him, pressing his chest to hers. He moved his lips so he was trailing kisses down her jaw, peppering them along her neck. He heard her breath hitch, and she laced her hands into his hair, bringing his mouth down to hers once again and kissing him hungrily. He felt her teeth graze his lip and he was unable to stifle a moan.

He could have stayed like that for the rest of his life, standing in the empty drop ship kissing her with everything he had, but after what felt like hours they finally pulled away, both their breaths coming out in erratic gasps. He held her close and pressed a kiss to the crown of her head,

"I love you", he whispered, against the softness of her hair.

He thought he heard a sob escape her lips, so he traced a finger along her cheek, wiping it away. She pulled back from him, just so slightly. Just enough so she was staring right back at him. He moved his eyes so they scanned over her every feature, engraving them into his memory and into his heart.

"I know."

She leaned in and rested her head against his chest. She said she knew, but Bellamy knew it couldn't have been true. He'd never told her, he should have told her. He should have told her the moment she crashed into his arms the day they'd been reunited. That had been the first time he'd ever held her, but even then, he should never have let her go.

He shook his head, "I should have told you, Clarke. I'm so sorry. I should have told you from the moment I knew." He should have told her so much.

She moved back again, grazing her hand across his cheek, "I knew Bellamy. I knew because I felt it to. Or felt as close to it as I'd ever been able to in my entire life. So don't apologize to me, and don't blame yourself. There was nothing you could have done to stop this. The earth was a stage, and we were just the players. Our time here wasn't something we ever could have controlled, we knew that from the start."

Bellamy smiled down at her, "I wouldn't have pegged you for a Shakespeare fan, Princess. Bit cliche, don't you think?"

"If it's so cliche, then why can you recognize it, huh Blake? Oh don't tell me, you were secretly a theatre enthusiast, weren't you?"

Bellamy felt heat rise up in his cheeks, "Shut up." he mumbled, focusing his gaze to the ground.

"No!", Clarke gasped in sheer triumph, "I'm right aren't I?"

He leaned his head back against the drop ship wall and let out a groan, "Fine, I may have reenacted some scenes with my mom to keep O entertained, are you satisfied now?"

She let out a laugh, a real true laugh, the kind that made it impossible to keep the frown on his face from turning into a smile of his own.

"You're just full of surprises, aren't you?"

Bellamy smirked, "You mean beneath my infectious charm and rugged exterior? Yeah, I suppose I've got my fair share of secrets."

Clarke rolled her eyes at him, before becoming serious once more, gazing up at him with an expression somewhere between awe and desperation.

"I want to hear them, all of them, please?"

He let out a laugh and kissed her head once more, "Whatever you say, Princess."

They stayed like that for hours, their backs pressed up against the wall of the drop ship, Clarke's legs folded over his lap. They shared every single story they'd never had time to before. Every ridiculous attempt to sneak out past curfew, and every tragedy that they'd both faced in their respective lives. The death of his mother, the loss of her father, and every smile and tear in between.

And in those moments, with her in his arms, Bellamy felt happy. But lurking in the shadows, there was the truth that this couldn't last. That this was all a dream. But for the first time since her death, he didn't want to wake up.

They were laying in silence, Clarke's head resting on his chest as he ran his fingers through her hair, when he finally said what he'd been thinking from the moment they kissed.

"What if I stayed here?"

She moved herself off his chest, so that she was starting at him with questioning eyes.

"What do you mean?"

"What if I didn't wake up, what if I just stayed here with you?"

He saw pain flash through her eyes, "Bellamy that would be killing yourself, you know it doesn't work like that."

"Why not?" he begged, fully aware of how crazy he sounded. "We could be happy here, it would be like before…".

"Before I died." Her voice was stone cold, sending daggers into his heart.

"Don't say that, I don't want to hear that."

She huffed out in exasperation, "Bellamy, you can't deny it. It's the truth, it's what happened. You can't just go on living like this! Pretending that the world isn't moving on! You have people who need you, people who want to help you, be there for you, but you can't just keep doing this to yourself, and pushing them away!"

"I can't move on Clarke!"

She sat still, not even flinching at his outburst.

"I can't move one, because I don't know how to live without you. I don't know how to move, how to think, how to make any god damn decision without you. Everything I did, it was for you."

"Bellamy," she said softly, "It wasn't just for me. It was for your people. They're the ones who need you now, the people you brought home. You've already done everything you could have for me."

He shook his head, tears threatening to stream down his face.

"They were our people, not mine. They're not my people without you, Clarke. You were my home. I don't have a home without you."

"You'll always have a home, Bellamy. And you will never be alone. And do you know, why? Because people out there love you. Your sister, Jasper, Monty, Miller, everyone else who you fought for - they love you, and they would do anything for you. And despite everything that's happened, I know you would still do anything for them."

He gazed into her eyes, "I would have done anything for you."

She sighed and took his hand in hers, "Then do this for me."

"Do what?"

"Live. Live life with everything you've got, and don't ever look back. Because I'll never be behind you - I will always be beside you. Live and fight, so that everything we built and everything we did, will count for something."

He bowed his head in defeat, and she leaned in and kissed him once more. Quick and desperate. Her lips tasting like goodbye.

"Ok", he whispered. "Ok. Ok, Ok…"

"Ok? Bellamy! Are you ok? Bellamy!"

Bellamy felt water splash his face, forcing him to open his eyes, his back aching, from being against the tree all night.

Octavia was shaking him awake, holding an empty water canister in her hand.

"Finally! Bellamy what the hell happened to you? Lincoln told me you were coming here, at night, alone. What the hell were you thinking?"

Bellamy straightened himself up, brushing the ground off of his legs.

"I wasn't thinking, O. I'm sorry."

He didn't know if anything that'd just happened had been real. If it was a ghost, a hallucination, or just a lucky dream. He didn't know what it was, but he knew what it meant. As he stood and looked around, he felt a throbbing pain in his head, but when his gaze came to rest upon her grave, he found that the pain in his chest had eased.

It was still there, of course it was. It would always be. She had left a space within him, one that he would never be able to fill, but Bellamy knew that was ok. People could live with cuts and scrapes. They could live with holes and gashes. It didn't matter how broken or how bruised their hearts could be, what mattered was, and he knew this now… what mattered was - they lived.

"You stink by the way, God did you drink all of Monty's moonshine or something?" She questioned, chastising him with her brows furrowed and arms crossed.

Bellamy laughed, for the first time in weeks, causing Octavia's mouth to fall agape.

"Close. I decided to relieve Kane of some of his stash."

His sister smiled up at him, and punched him lightly on the arm. "Nicely done, big brother, nicely done."

He put an arm around her shoulder, and hugged her close.

"I missed you, Bell."

He closed his eyes, and in his mind he saw Clarke. Smiling at him. Happy tears glistening in those unforgettable, indigo eyes.

"Come on, O. Let's go home."

If you give love and live long, you you'll always have a home.

The End

A/N: Well, that's it, we finally made it to the end. I want to thank everyone who favourited, followed, and left any kind of review on this story. This was my first time writing a fanfiction of this length, and your feedback and support meant the absolute world to me :)

For anyone who's actually interested, I thought I'd just share a few of the thoughts I had about the story, and why I chose to write it this way (even though it brought me, and you, plenty of pain). This final scene with Bellamy's dream/vision of Clarke, was actually the first one I wrote. It was the scene that popped into my head when I first heard the song Indigo Home by Roo Panes (it's lyrics were the ones I put at the beginning of each chapter), so I really wanted to base the entire story from that point. As I started writing the earlier parts though, trust me, I was definitely tempted to shake off my initial instinct and just write a happy ending, but sometimes life doesn't work like that, and in the end I stuck to my gut. I know this ending wasn't necessarily a happy one, it was never meant to be. I tried to write it as something a bit more bittersweet, a sign that even though things are hard now, happier days can come in the future.

So thanks again everyone! I'd love to hear your thoughts on how it all wrapped up, and I hope you'll stick around to see what I come up with in the future. I have a few ideas for stories circling in my head, all of them a lot less dark than this one :)

And hopefully we all survive the finale this week.