I kept wondering how Raph would react if he met Anastasia Rose Steele and thought it might go a little like this… I don't know why he would agree to be interviewed by a college student, but whatever. This is a parody. No I haven't read the books, but I think I know as much as I want to know about it.

I wrote as much as I could stomach.

Now with proper grammar… Well, better grammar…

Raph sat in a small room in an abandoned warehouse on a foraged office chair that looked like an office worked possibly died and rotted seated at their desk and nervously checked the time on his cell phone. Wasn't this girl supposed to interview him at noon? Like he didn't have anything better to do than sit there and wait for somebody to show up to interview him.

Finally, the office door opened and a mousy brunette in a frumpy blue sweater tripped through the doorway and fell flat on her face. Raph jumped to his feet, wondering if she was drunk and considered whether or not he should berate her for being that inconsiderate of his time. She got to her feet without his assistance and he shifted from foot to foot, finally saying, "So you're Kate Kavanaugh? I'm supposed to be interviewed as a vigilante, you know? For some college newspaper?"

"I'm her friend Anastasia Rose Steele," she said as she sat down in another office chair and he wondered if she'd forgotten to take some psychiatric medication or something because she stared at him as if she'd never seen a talking mutant turtle before. Oh, wait. She probably hadn't.

Raph tried to smile and then stopped smiling, gauging the level of unintentional creepiness. "Sorry I'm so ugly and all. But if you're going to stare at me like that the whole time you can just leave. Where's Kate? I talked to Kate on the phone. I thought I was going to be interviewed by her." Did you kill her and hide her body? "Is she sick?" Was this a set up? Did she work for Saki?

"I'm her roommate. Why are you talking about Kate so much? You like her better than me don't you?! Just because she's so much prettier than me and rich and what all men want! You wanted her instead of me!" Her wiry frame heaved with angst and she bit her lip and blushed.

Raph rolled his office chair away a few feet. "Well, yeah. You seem like a crazy person. She was actually nice to me on the phone. Most of the time I get threats to cut me up because I'm a freak. And I never saw her, so I don't know if I like… Why am I saying this shit to you! Why is her roommate here? If she couldn't make it why didn't she call and tell me and why didn't she send another person from the student newspaper to fill in?"

"Ugh." Ana rolled her eyes and then said, "I'm sorry I rolled my eyes! Did it make you angry? Are you going to punish me?"

"Uh…" Raph wrinkled up his face and had a sudden urge to call Leo and demand that he stand outside the door as a bodyguard. "Do you have any questions? Hey, is Kate okay?"

"Questions?" She fumbled in her backpack and pulled out a dog-eared stack of paper. She looked over the first page, blushed and shoved the papers back in her backpack. "No, I don't have any questions. She's sick I guess. I didn't notice. I was too busy thinking about how ugly I am compared to her and how it's such a burden to have an interview with one of the most elusive figures in New York City grant an interview with me so that I get the bragging rights and she gets to sit at home in her stupid pink pajamas that I hate and sneeze and blow her nose. She has all the fun! She's blond! I hate her!"

"Well, that's not her fault if she's sick!" What was this chick's problem? "Just ask me a fucking question so I can get this over with. Leo said I need to work on my public relation skills. I said, 'I have fine public relation skills. I relate like this!'" And he smashed a fist into his palm.

Ana gasped and blushed. "Do you like hurting people?"

"Huh? Yeah, I like to hit things. I go out patrolling on my own a lot. Blow off some stress. I probably have the highest death-rate between my brothers." That probably wasn't something to brag about. "You know, my oldest brother is the leader. He's real good at fighting and not killing people. That's another thing I'm supposed to work on. Are you going to write anything down?"

Ana stared at him and then looked at him out from under her lashes.

"Something wrong with your eyes? You need to fish out an eyelash? I can look for a mirror… Anyway, we grew up in the sewers. We started out as these little pet shop turtles, right? And our father is this rat that was raised by a Japanese ninja masters. And we got into this radioactive mutagen…"

"Do you think that you experience so much sexual tension with your brother Leo because you're gay?" she randomly blurted.

He reared his head back in offense. "WHAT?! I am not gay! And I don't have… first of all, there is no sexual tension with my own FUCKING BROTHER! GOT IT! NONE! DID YOU NOT HEAR THE BROTHER PART? SAY THAT AGAIN AND I'LL… JUST DON'T SAY IT AGAIN!"

"You're so angry! Or you'll do what to me? I don't want you to hurt me! But I do! Please don't hurt me! But it makes you happy, so I'll pretend I like it too!"

"Okay…" Raph pushed the chair so far away that it hit the wall. "I think I'm going to call Kate now and make sure she's really okay…" He pulled out his cell phone and had a brief chat with Kate. He verified that she was, in fact, not bound and gagged in this crazy bitch's trunk, she did have a cold, and had asked her roommate to interview him. Her roommate was an English major and she thought it might be a good opportunity for her. He told Kate that it was thoughtful of her to think of this opportunity for her friend, but she seemed a little off balance. Kate assured him that Ana was a really great, smart and independent woman and he would really like her. He mumbled uncertainly and she begged him to finish the interview because it was a big opportunity for Ana and it was important for the city to see that there were individuals like him who cared about cleaning crime up in the city. His male reptilian teenage heart blossomed with the praise and he puffed his chest a little. "Yeah, things are real shitty out there. But I try to get as many fuckers off the streets as I can! Okay, I'll get it another shot. Have some soup and get better." Kate was okay. As far as he knew anyway.

He tucked the cell phone away and said, "So, Ana…"

And she let out a series of glorious orgasms, elicited by the sound of his manly voice saying her name and processing through her medulla oblongata. "OH! YES YES YES! You said my name!" And she fell sideways off her chair, exhausted.

"Yeah, I think you need to see a doctor for that. Are you sure you're not the sick one?" Now Raph's face flushed. "That's… Okay, please don't do that again. Anyway, were you going to ask me any more questions?"

She sat back on her stool and said, "My Inner Goddess is ablaze with fire because you said my name."

"That's nice…"

"Okay," Ana muttered as she clumsily pulled out the discarded pages of questions and rummaged for something to ask. "Do you have a penis or testicles? I can't see them anywhere. And you don't really wear clothes…"

"Hey… I don't know…" Raph spluttered awkwardly. "YES, I HAVE A PENIS! I'M MALE, AIN'T I!? ASK SOMETHING RELEVANT HERE! YOU KNOW WHAT? THIS IS OVER! GET OUT OF HERE, YOU CRAZY BITCH!"

And Raph grabbed her by the elbow and tossed her out into the street, slamming the door after her. He stood fuming and growling for a few seconds before he hung his head and then opened the door again. "Hey, I'm sorry. That was rude. I shouldn't have tossed you out. You okay? Just… don't ask me shit like that. I don't even know you!"

Ana lay on the ground in the fetal position sobbing. "You don't love me! Is it because I'm not blond?!"

Raph felt very sorry for this sad girl with no self-esteem and pulled her to her feet by the arm. "Hey, stop crying. You're kind of cute. Stop talking about blonds and look in a mirror. I'm sure there's some nice guy out there for you. Just… don't be so creepy and come off so strong. You're acting like a drunk prom date. You need me to call somebody to pick you up?"

"No I'll take Wanda." She staggered in desolate misery to the end of the alley.

"Hey, wait!" Raph galloped a few steps. "I have a really bad feeling about you going home alone. But give me your number and I'll call you in a while to see if you got home safely. Okay? And… don't ask guys about their dicks or incest or shit like that when you first meet."

Ana got in her rickety VW Beetle and Raph watched her drive off into the dark night. What a head-case.

The dreary night dragged on, as Raph punched a guy in the face and then rammed his head into a brick wall. "It's not polite to break into people's places at night. I need to teach you some manners…" Oh, he'd forgotten to check on that Ana chick to see if she made it home without crashing her car or irritating some guy until she got killed.

"Just a minute," Raph said as he dropped the thug on the ground and then stood on his chest with one foot to immobilize him as he pulled out his cell phone and dialed Ana's number. "Hey, Ana? Why is it so loud? I thought you were going home."

"I'm so drunk, wooohooooooo!" she said into the phone over the babbling crowd. "Jose is trying to kiss me. I'm so drunk….."

"Do you want me to come help you out?" Please say no.

"No! I'm an independent woman! I don't need your help!" And she hung up on him.

Okay then. He pulled the thug up by the shirt. "Where were we?"

A half an hour later, Raph got a phone call and he held the phone at arm's length when he saw the name CRAZY ANA flash on the screen. He answered tentatively and said, "Hello?"

"Why didn't you come pick me up?!" She shouted drunkenly into the phone. "Jose was all over me!"

"You said you didn't want me to! What was I supposed to do? Come flying over there and kidnap you? Ask the bartender to get you a cab!" Raph hung up on her and trudged through the smelly sewer towards home.

A few minutes later the phone rang again. "My Inner Goddess wants you to spank me! I need to see you! My Fifty Shades of Green!"

"Are you sure you don't have a mental problem?" Raph stood vacillating between letting her get killed so that she wouldn't call him anymore or going to get her, taking her home and then refusing to answer if she called him again. He knew he should do that latter. He couldn't just let girls get killed because they annoyed him. "Okay, tell me where you are and I'll come get you."

Raph headed away from home, towards the bar she had named and hoped that this was their last meeting.

After Raph scraped Ana's drunk ass off the pavement in front of the bar, he had to endure a young Latino guy, who he presumed was Jose, yelling, "Dios mio!" at him a hundred times.

"Get lost, pal!" Raph snapped. "And if drunk girls say not to kiss them, then don't do it. Hold on…" Raph slug Ana's half-conscious body over a wall and punched Jose in the face. After Jose lay in a puddle of his own blood, muttering, "Dios, mio!" Raph threw Ana over his shoulder and considered tossing her into the back of a cab and directing it towards her home. Then he realized that he didn't know where she lived.

Well, he couldn't take her home to the lair. He'd already taken a woman home, but she was cool. This girl was a psycho and he didn't want her hanging around after the fact. Maybe he could leave her at a hotel. Whenever he went out in public he was forced to wear bulky dark clothes that made him look like a rather suspicious hunchback and didn't know if he could carry an unconscious girl into a hotel room wearing a black ski mask without someone calling the cops on him. Could he leave a drunk chick at a hotel safely by herself? The hospital!

He'd leave her at the hospital. They probably knew what to do with passed out drunk college girls.

But the more he thought about it, the more it seemed like a dumb idea.

Raph stood there so long that eventually Kate came out of the bar and Raph yelled at her for letting that annoying Jose dude mack on her drunk friend and commanded her to take Ana's drunk ass home. Kate didn't seem quite to cool anymore.