"I'm here now." A hand lightly touched my sobbing shoulder. I look up from my hands, that were holding my head, to the man who stands before me. I wanna speak to him, but I just can't. My words are trapped in my throat. Here stands my best friend, and I am speechless. He sits next to me, pulling me to his side, stroking my hair out of face. I have myself so wound up that my stomach feels tight and so does my throat.
"Tell me what's the matter." James coos. When I think of having to say what happened, I start crying all over again.
"Hey. Hey. Lighten up. And, go take one of these. You may be fretting over nothing." He hands over the pregnancy tests that I asked him for. Should the fact that he got them for me without a second thought reveal how amazing he is?
I nod taking the bag from him. As I stand up, I look at his face, and in his eyes he seems worried. Man. I hate myself for making him look like that. I walk towards the bathroom, closing the door. I lean back against the door, sigh, then pick the cardboard box apart. I'm not even sure that I have to pee, but I unbutton my jeans and sit down anyways. The instructions fall out of the box, but how hard can it be to pee on a plastic stick? I tear the package containing the test open, stare at it for a little, and realize this is gonna change my life.
I finish, then stand and flush the toilet. My pants are re-zipped; taking a minute looking at the test, trying to clear my mind, but nothing happens. I go to open the door, and there James stands. All 6' 1" of him was right outside of my bathroom door. I set the test down on the vanity counter.
"So?" He asks.
"I don't know." I shrug my shoulders and walk away.
"You don't know? Either it was positive or negative. Did you wait 5 minutes?" He picks up the test and follows me.
"No."
"Well, that's the problem, Sawyer. Sit and tell me what happened. Why do you think you need a pregnancy test?" He sits on the couch. In no way does he make me feel pressured, but it's so easy to tell him everything.
"Long story or short?"
"Just tell me what I need to know."
"You know my birthday was a few weeks ago. Cyrus and everyone was celebrating with drinks, but you know my 'No drinks, no drugs' policy. It would interfere with my nursing school. But, Cyrus had too many drinks," I put my hand over my mouth to block the cry that came, but couldn't block the tears that come down my face, " And, he wouldn't stop. I asked him to, but he wouldn't." By this point, it is a battle to understand what I am saying through the hard sobbing. "But I've been feeling drug down lately. And, of course, since the night it happened, I've been scared of this. And, I was waiting for today. I was supposed to start my period today. But, I didn't."
Fear is shaking my hands and words.
"I'll kill him." James states matter of factually.
"No. Please. I love him. He didn't mean to."
"Well," James tilts his head towards me, "Let's hope he loves you back. You are carrying his baby now."
"What?" I snatch the test away from his clutch, and examine the big, pink plus sign that is glaring at me. Moments pass while we sit in silence.
"Are you okay?"
"I don't know." I finally look away from the test.
"You are gonna be fine. I know. And, you're so lucky. You've got a miracle growing under your skin. Right here, " He smiles, touching my belly button area with a smile. "You've been chosen to mother a new life, who may go on to change the world. Please, don't be upset," He pulls me in a hug, "Everything will be okay."
"Thank you." I hug him back.
"Do you think you'll keep it?"
"I don't doubt it. I just can not imagine giving up something that I spent months making." For the first time in days, I smile genuinely. He laughs too.
"I believe you need to inform someone of their impending fatherhood."
"Yes!" My crying ceases to be replaced with smile. At this moment, I have no idea why I was freaking out earlier. I mean, I love Cyrus, Cyrus loves me. We can do this. We've even talked about having children, in theory much further in the future, but it'll be okay.
"He's at work! I'll go see him now! Wait, I don't have my car!"
"I'll take you, Mama Mia."
I grab my phone and the test, cramming them in my purse. The ride to the mall is a nervous and overly excited one. I practice how I am going to tell Cyrus by using James.
"Come on! Come on!" As the car comes to a halt in front of the mall, I hop out. Everything is becoming a blur. I take off running for Hot Topic. As quickly as my feet will take me, and just as I turn to where the store is, he is walking out.
"Cy!" I run toward him. He looks back at me and smiles with shock slightly on his face. His arms open and I hop up, wrapping my legs around his waist, he holds me, and I clash my lips with his.
"Oh! Someone having a good day?" Those blue eyes of his look back at me.
"Sort of! Are you on break?"
"Yes. I was about to go get a smoke."
"Well, okay."
He lowers me down, then takes my hand. We make small talk, walk to the parking lot to his car, and he gets his cigarettes. He pulls one out, lights it, tosses the lighter back in the car, and takes his first huff.
"So, you gonna tell me what lead up to your fabulous entrance?" He exhales the smoke, leaving the cigarette between his middle and index finger. And, the smile that consumes my face made the muscles ache, but I don't care.
"Wow. It must be good." He inhales another hit of the nicotine filled death trap between his fingers.
"Well, you're gonna have to stop doing that around me, for one thing." I swat my hand in front my face to fan the smoke away.
"Baby, you know that I'm trying. And, I've improved from what I used to do."
"But, don't you know that you're not supposed to smoke around pregnant women?"
"I know that, but that's not something that we're having to deal with now. That'll come later. I'll be completely done with smoking by then."
"What if we did have to deal with it now? Would you quit?"
"Of course, I would. But, we don't have to." He scratches at his hairline after another inhale of death.
"So, you wouldn't wanna be a dad soon?"
"I don't know. Why are you so determined to talk about this today?" His arm holds me closer to his chest, and he continues to puff his cigarette, unaware how truly mistaken he is.
"Wouldn't you want a baby?"
"In a few years, when we have more money, and we're out of school and maybe married."
"But, just play along with me. What if we were to have a baby now? What would we do?"
"I don't know. You can't truly tell what would happen until it actually happens."
"Well, it actually is."
"What is, Baby?" He flicks the butt of the cigarette away, wraps both arms around me, then kisses the side of my face.
"We're going to have a baby." I hear him laugh.
"I gotta give it to you, you certainly are an expert level prankster."
"I'm not kidding though." I reach in my purse, and hand over the test. He looks at it, without taking it from my hand.
"You're pregnant?"
"With your baby." I nod. Physically, he drains of all color and emotion. This is when the doubt starts to set back in. He isn't moving. Only looking to be biting the inside of his cheek.
"You're not keeping it, are you?" I feel like my heart is being torn from my chest.
"I- I don't understand."
"Are you getting an abortion or what?" I push away from him and gawk.
"Cyrus! Why would you say that? This is your child!"
"We're not ready for it! It will only struggle between two young parents! What an unfair life!"
"Young parents?! We're not 15! You'll be 23 in a few months, and I'll be 21! Unfair is not getting a chance to live!"
"So, what? You're gonna get fat and get stretch marks and permanent emotional damage so that you can give it away?"
"I wasn't planning on giving our baby away!"
"You were gonna keep it?!" His face scrunches in disbelief.
"Yes!"
"Why?!"
"Because, it's not the baby's fault that it was made! We made it! And, it deserves a chance."
"I'm not ready for a kid, Sawyer, and neither are you. I don't think we should keep it."
"You're not the one who's carrying our baby! I am! Why are you so against this?!"
"You know why. And, we are not ready. That's final." He states, then looks away; wiping the corners of his mouth, which is habit of his when he's frustrated. My eyes are welling with tears. This isn't fair. This isn't how it was supposed to be.
"I am not killing our baby."
"We can't keep it. And, I don't see you spending nine months being pregnant and then giving it away. You need to get rid of it now."
"We could do it."
"You're working and going to school, and so am I, where do you plan on fitting in being a parent? Between biology and chemistry or on your 15 minute breaks? We're making a living, getting by now. We can not afford a baby. Where would we keep it? At your brother's? I don't think he'd want a crying baby around all the time. And, we can not keep it at my house. My parent's would kill you and me both if they ever found out."
"Finance isn't the reason you don't want our baby. You're still scared of him! You're so scared of being him that you wanna keep putting off your life! But, you're already like him. Too late. This would be the only time he'd ever be proud of you." I see the hurt and fury in Cyrus's face. He pushes past me. "I'm keeping the baby, whether you like it or not!"
"Then, we're through." He yells back. We're through, the words echo. We're through.
The burning, breaking feeling tearing through my whole body brings me to my knees. The next phase of calling James back, him finding me, supporting me up, putting me in his car, and taking me home are just a montage in brain. Going to bed, sobbing into my pillow along with screaming and more crying, and ruined makeup accompany soon after.
By the time that my brother, Logan, got home; I am long gone. But, James takes it upon himself to warn Logan what is to wait for him. Emotions, tempers, and patience are going to be flaring.
Chapter Song: Forever And Always by Taylor Swift
Author's Note: I have a Pinterest board for this story. It's pictures to go along with the story. So, if you want to see; send me a private message.