I Can't Let Him Win

Chapter Three

A/N: Thank you all so much for liking this as much as you do. It's been fun to write and dig into these characters. THIS chapter is a monster. I hope you all like it.

Summary: Amy decides to be honest with herself – she's probably still in love with Karma. She probably always has been. But she's pretty fucking sure it's Karma's fault because Karma's never really been able to let go of her the way she should've when things became legit with Liam. (By that she means they still make out pretty regularly).

' Your skin is pale your heart won out by one too many tries.

It's a complicated thing I shouldn't stick my nose out in. But I'm your friend… and I can't let him win. '

Karma knows Amy is fucking devastated. She knows when she walked out that front door she broke her best friend's heart for the millionth time. She feels like shit about it for sure. Karma thinks she's basically the fucking worst sometimes – and maybe sometimes she thinks that's why she might just belong with Liam.

And to top it all off, her parents and Zen apparently went out to dinner and didn't invite her. Zen's always been rude like that but it doesn't make Karma any less upset about it. She's having the worst night of her life and her family can't fucking take one night to keep her company. Yeah, it's not like they knew she was having a shit night but Karma thinks they should've at least asked her about dinner before just assuming she'd be with Liam and excluding her.

Molly and Lucas aren't fond of Liam. They mostly just tolerate him because Karma begged them to. And Karma knows her parents know he's not the love of her life or anything, but they stopped trying to force Amy on her a few years ago after she had an epic freak out about the whole thing. She got sick of having to convince them she was straight and loved her boyfriend.

(This probably should've been her first red flag that maybe she's not entirely as straight as she thinks… okay… maybe it wasn't the first red flag. Kissing Amy was mostly a really good indicator if she's being honest with herself – which she's really working on. She swears).

Sure, Karma's aware they still prefer Amy anyway. She can't really help that part of it. The thing is she might just prefer Amy too.

She can't fucking help that either.

"Get your fucking head out of your ass, Ashcroft!"

Karma can hear Reagan stomping through her house from the side door. Great. Reagan's footsteps just sound like they mean business and Karma really, really isn't in the mood for a beat down from Amy's pseudo best friend/ex-girlfriend, or whatever the fuck call themselves these days. In any case, Karma + Reagan has never really been a match made in heaven. There's a mutual dislike there that's been standing for almost a decade. Karma's pretty freaking distraught that it's going to be Reagan she has to deal with in her darkest moments.

Karma waits.

"In here, Reagan."

"Ya know, we might not get along. We probably never will. I'm pretty sure neither of us are crying over that. But I've legit been tolerating you all these years because Amy fucking loves you. I have no idea why but we both know she does. And you're breaking her heart and I'm not cool with that, Karma. This is where I step in and it is taking everything I have to not kick your ass right now because she is sitting at home asking me what it is about her that's hard to love –"

"She's what?"

Okay, Karma didn't really factor Amy's self esteem into the plans. It hadn't even occurred to her that Amy might start to question herself. The problem in this whole messed up situation has always been Karma. Amy would've been with her years ago; Karma knows Amy would've been with her in high school if Karma had been ready.

"She's asking me what it is about her-"

"No, I heard you. Just… why? She knows it's me," Karma says, "you both know it's me."

"You don't have to tell me what I know. I know it's not Amy. I've been trying to talk her out of this shit with you for years. Just so you know. I was never on board with this because I know your type. Amy's the experiment, the phase. Yeah, she feels good but Liam's always gonna be the destination for you. Amy's strong and you -" Reagan really just might as well be foaming at the mouth at this point, Karma thinks "you're weak, Karma. You're never going to be strong enough to be with her and I knew that. Amy's just so wrapped up in all your shit she can't see what's going on right in front of her."

Karma wants to deny all of it. She does. But Reagan's not wrong. She is weak – if she were strong wouldn't she be able to just be who she wants to be? Wouldn't she be able to leave Liam and just be with who makes her happiest?

"I really don't want her to feel like it's her."

And she really doesn't. It physically pains Karma to imagine Amy doubting her self worth.

"Don't you worry, I'll make sure to clean up the mess you made. But I want you think long and hard about what you feel for Amy. If you let her go I swear to you it'll be the last time. I won't let you near her, Karma. You two are fucking toxic. This whole thing is so unhealthy… I don't know how either of you think any of it's okay. You're both fucking insane."

Karma's crying. Again. She's starting to think the tears just never stop, especially not when it comes to Amy. And Reagan looks like she feels bad for a second as she watches Karma just fall apart in front of her.

"Ugh, fuck. No. I can't do crying. Can you get it together?"

Karma's breathing is all over the place. Getting it together seems like something that's not going to be happening for her anytime soon.

Her mind is fucking blown when Reagan sits in the chair to right of the couch and lays a hand on hers.

"I'm weak, right?" Karma's barely stringing words together but Reagan seems to be picking up on it anyway. "I can't really get it together. I know I hurt her. I didn't mean it."

"You never mean for any of it. I could forgive you for that when you were sixteen and confused and trying to figure out if you had any claim on her. You're twenty three now and there's only so many times you can say you're sorry before it loses its effect."

Reagan's putting down some powerful knowledge. In some weird twisted way Karma's thankful that Amy has Reagan because she knows she's a big part of what's kept Amy sane. Karma's well aware she's been making Amy crazy since this started. So, even though Karma's been unreasonably jealous of Reagan, in the back of her mind she loves her just a little bit for supporting Amy through all of the shit they've been through.

"Karma…" Reagan sounds like she doesn't even want to ask so Karma looks up, meets her eyes and nods. "Are you in love with Amy?"

This question. This fucking question. It's baffling that Reagan is going to be who Karma has to talk to about all this. Actually it seems really ass backwards to be honest. But who else even is there for Karma? Reagan knows their story. Amy has obviously kept her in the loop. Reagan is going to be the next best thing since she clearly can't go to Amy.

So, she wipes the mascara away from under her eyes and takes a deep breath as a few more tears roll down her face.

Here goes nothing.

"Of course I'm in love with Amy," she puts her head in her hands. Karma's never said that out loud before.

Frankly Karma likes the idea that one day she would be able to live a "normal" life with Liam. Karma likes the idea of a two-story house, two-car garage, and 2.5 kids at home with a dog. Whether or not she's in love with Liam isn't really a huge deal - there's no Disney fairytale with two princesses falling in love. And while she supports Amy entirely she's never been quite sure she could let go of the dream of being the "normal" one. It's hard to picture losing that. It might be harder to picture living the rest of her life as a lie while she sneaks quick kisses from Amy in bathrooms at parties.

She knows their town is unusual and probably the only place in the freaking country where she'll be accepted so easily and the rest of the world might make it really hard. Karma sees the looks Amy gets sometimes when they've been in Dallas or Houston. She doesn't know if she's strong enough for those looks. Does she think it's right that being a lesbian is something she has to "come out" and define herself as? No. Does she think it's right that being with Liam doesn't require her to make an announcement but to be with Amy would be a huge life-changing event? No. And she has to wonder why do these two things have to be so different? In this day and age being with Liam or Amy should be the exact same thing – no one should think twice about it. Karma thinks it's a shame that they still do.

Sure, her parents would accept her – but Amy's might not. And what about the rest of her family? Or the rest of Amy's? What about her other friends she's made over the years? It's awful because she knows she shouldn't care so much about these irrelevant people but to come out and just be with Amy won't be a one-time thing. It's going to be constant. It's never going to stop. She's never going to not want to jump to her own defense when/if she introduces Amy as her girlfriend.

It should be easy though if she forgets all the random people she worries about. Karma's parents will probably have a fucking obnoxious celebration if she tells them she's with Amy. Zen won't really care but whatever. Shane will support them. Lauren might just say congrats. Liam will hate her. And that's hard – Liam's not the best but he's been in Karma's life for the last eight years. He's been a sort of best friend. He's been a significant presence in her life and she can't honestly say it won't hurt to lose him.

Being with Liam is easy. Maybe Amy was right about how Karma feels about Liam – she can tone down her own ego enough to admit that much. It's not hard to acknowledge that Liam doesn't do much for her sexually. She remembers nights he's spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to get her worked up. She remembers wanting to cry on a few different occasions because she just wasn't feeling any of what she so desperately wanted to. She remembers wanting to cry all over again the night she realized Amy got her there by just leaning into her personal space.

Amy literally makes her entire body tingle with anticipation. She doesn't even have to touch Karma to get a reaction.

Karma knows she's a fucking awful person when there have been so many nights she's left Amy's and displaced all of those feelings onto Liam. She spent quite a few years pretending that wasn't exactly what she was doing but lying to herself anymore about that is just ridiculous. And Liam probably knows. How could he not? She'd come home from nights with Amy just a little bit tipsy and more ready to let him have her than she ever was any other night. She maybe thought it didn't matter who started the feelings – if Liam was the one getting her across the finish line did it really matter that Amy ran the first four laps with her?

Yeah, it really does.

Karma doesn't really know why she never let Amy have her. She used to think the cheating wasn't really as big of a deal if she wasn't having sex with Amy. It turns out an emotional affair is still cheating just as much as if they'd been having sex.

She thinks now – after everything's said and done – that Amy probably had the right idea too. Karma has always let fear get the best of her and she's been scared of all of the emotions Amy makes her feel. Sex with Amy might just send her right over the edge. She literally might completely lose her shit if it's Amy that gets her there. She might have to really acknowledge how much she doesn't feel with Liam and how hard it is to get herself turned on at all when Liam is the one planting kisses all over her body.

Fuck. She's so lost. And her mind is just filled with images of things she shouldn't be thinking; things that do not help her case for staying with Liam at all.

Why is it so hard to admit what she feels for Amy? Why has she spent six years denying every little feeling that's snuck up on her?

Karma hates herself for keeping Amy hanging on – but to let Amy go and see her with anyone else is so hard. And Karma's so selfish sometimes. Yeah, surprise – she has flaws. Flaws she hates about herself. Karma will be the first to let you know she's her own worst critic and that selfishness – the one that causes her to not be able to let Amy go while she goes back to Liam every night – she fucking despises that about herself because who the fuck does that? And to their best friend?

Amy's not perfect but Amy deserves so much fucking better than what Karma's been giving her because Karma has been anything but fair in this.

It's coming down to letting Amy go or just fucking admitting to herself and everyone else that not being with Amy just might not be an option anymore.

Karma and Reagan have been sitting in an amicable silence for a while now. They've come to a temporary truce while Karma goes through her life crisis. Karma gets it now. She understands why Amy loves Reagan so much. Reagan's been letting her cry and made her a cup of tea. It turns out she's a lot more nurturing than Karma would've ever thought.

She's thinking about asking Amy if they can share her as a mutual BFF. It's probably too soon for that.

What the fuck is she even gonna do about Amy?

"So, now what?" It's Reagan who finally breaks their silence. The room is pretty dark now and neither of them has bothered to look for a light. Karma can only barely see her. It somehow makes it easier.

"I'm scared. Like terrified, really."

"You know Amy loves you."

"It's not that. God, it's never been that. It's… everything else that comes with Amy loving me."

"Karma, listen. I get it," Reagan looks her right in the eyes and Karma feels a light squeeze on her knee. "I get what you're scared of and I get why you've been trying so hard to avoid dealing with it. I do. It doesn't mean I've liked all your decisions over the years but I knew what you were doing. You being scared is normal but Amy…" Reagan exhales like it's kind of hurting her to say what comes next, "Amy's so worth the risk."

For a split second Karma sees a world of hurt in Reagan's eyes that makes her heart ache. Reagan looks down and folds her arms across herself. Karma will let that one go and Reagan sort of nods in silent thanks. There will probably always be a little bit of hurt there for how things went down with the three of them all those years ago. And Karma's not totally stupid. She knows it probably still fucking sucks that Karma's done nothing but treat Amy like some side piece and she's still always going to be Amy's number one choice.

Karma even wishes Amy was a little bit smarter than that. But since she's just coming to terms with what her feelings for Amy might be she has to be thankful that Amy's still here.

And she needs to talk to Liam. Fuck.

The amounts of memories they have from the past six years together are countless. Karma can't even begin to estimate the amount of times she's kissed Amy over the years.

She remembers being at a house party with Shane while they were in college and Amy was between girlfriends. The crowd had been nothing like she or Amy had ever seen (they'd both chosen smaller colleges). And she remembers Amy being nothing but perfect the whole night. Amy constantly had her hand on the small of Karma's back to guide her through the crowd. Karma remembers wanting to kiss Amy so much it was making her dizzy.

"I'm gonna go over there!" Shane was pointing to a bearded man with pants way too tight for his figure. Typical. Karma and Amy had waved him off as they went to get a drink.

Amy had pulled two red cups out for them and within two minutes managed to spill beer all over the table. Karma couldn't stop laughing at her; age certainly hadn't made Amy any more graceful.

Karma remembers the grin Amy threw her way as she chucked the cups and grabbed for her arm to make for a quick get away. They were still laughing as they passed by the bathroom.

Karma remembers feeling especially daring that night.

She basically flung Amy through the door and for a second she could tell Amy thought she was out of her mind.

"If you needed to pee that bad you could've just-"

Karma hadn't really cared to let her finish that sentence. It was the first time she'd ever initiated kissing Amy – it was the first time she'd ever really had the upper hand. She remembers feeling Amy smile into the kiss as she finally caught on.

Making Amy happy has always been the goal. It may not have always come across that way and Karma knows sometimes things get lost in translation. And sometimes all she manages to do is make Amy miserable. But she's always loved Amy (even before she knew she was in love with Amy) and that love has always made her try to do the right thing by her best friend.

Amy was enthusiastic that night kissing her; Karma knew taking that initiative allowed her to give something back to Amy.

"Whoa."

Karma didn't answer. Yeah, she could've. She could've said her part. Or… she could just kiss Amy again until she was breathless and grabbing Karma's hips for support to keep standing.

So yeah, Karma kissed Amy again and smiled when she felt Amy wrap her arms around her.

"Liam, I can't go."

Karma looks at Liam - he should be reacting in some way. He's not. That unnerves her. Liam just stands there with a huge bandage over his nose and coldness in his eyes.

"This is about Amy, isn't it?"

"I-"

"Don't lie. I've been playing second string to her for years now. At least if you're gonna dump me after your girlfriend just broke my nose have the decency to be honest about it, Karma."

Karma glances at the floor. "It's about Amy."

Liam laughs. Karma looks back up because what?

"I knew. I've known for the last six fucking years what's been going on behind my back. I am not the bad guy here. You are."

Karma thinks that's probably true. She doesn't know though. Yeah, she's been the one cheating all these years but Liam's been hanging onto her for a lot of other reasons besides love. She's not even entirely sure if Liam was ever in love with her. That point is still foggy if she goes back through their whole convoluted history. She might find that love is severely lacking in a lot of it.

His nose looks hurtful and the black eyes that are forming kind of make her want to smile. She can't picture Amy doing that. He must've really provoked her.

"What did you say to her?"

"Who?"

"Amy. You must've been a real dick for her to take it out on you like that."

Liam grimaces like he's maybe not proud of his behavior. That's new, Karma thinks. He looks contemplative as he prepares to speak again.

"I… maybe implied… that I knew what was going on with you guys and thanked her for, uh, turning you on for – when you came home?"

He stumbles through most of his sentence. Karma's eyebrows fly up. Liam was probably speaking out of hurt. He Amy was always going to win. But it definitely didn't give him the right to hit Amy where he knew it would kill her.

"You didn't! You know you deserved that right?"

Liam grumbles as he falls back on Karma's couch. "Yeah, I was a dick."

"You're a dick to Amy a lot. This wasn't all her fault. It was pretty mutual."

"I guess I was trying to win… but it's – it's always been Amy, right? I mean I knew… I just kept fighting for you anyway. I've been rubbing you in her face for years."

"No wonder she's never liked you," Karma says. A lot of things are suddenly making a lot more sense these days.

"I'm sure she has more reasons than that to not like me. But – that's probably a pretty big one," Liam admits. "Gotta hand it to her she has a hell of a right hook."

Karma laughs.

There are definitely reasons it hasn't been hard to stay with Liam all these years. She knows Amy hates him but Liam has always been a little bit different with her. Liam has always been just a little bit softer with Karma. He might have never been in love with her, but Karma knows he does care about her. She can remember how gently he spoke the truth after she was a complete dick at that group dinner sophomore year. She's mostly sure if she hadn't been so oblivious she would've seen the truth that night. Instead it took her eight more years to get here.

"Amy's kind of a bad ass." Karma can't even help the smile that comes with saying that. Liam waves her over to sit beside him.

"I don't think… I'm not gonna be able to talk you for a while after this; but it's good – you know that you'll be happy and all. I wasn't trying to take you away to make you miserable. It was just the only way I thought maybe you'd be able to actually be with me and not constantly looking over your shoulder for her."

"I should've been able to be happy with you."

"Yeah, maybe but… Karma, you've been in love with her for years now."

"Then why didn't I see it?"

It certainly fucking seems like the whole world knew before she did. She doesn't like to think she's that oblivious but it definitely seems that way when Liam Booker is telling her what she should've known. Karma can admit she's thought about it over the years – what it'd be like to be with Amy in a real way. She's always wondered if it would ruin them if they had to actually be something outside of the little bubble they created. And then what if they broke up and she lost Amy?

And then she'd shove it all away into the neat little box in the back of her brain that allowed her to compartmentalize the whole thing. Denial – for Karma – is a very powerful tool and she's been running with it for over six years.

Liam shrugs. "You didn't want to see it. At least for the first few years."

That's probably true. Life advice with Liam. Jesus. What is her life coming to? How are Liam and Reagan the ones guiding her through this? Nothing about this is normal.

Nothing about what she feels for Amy is normal. It's so much more.

"Amy!"

Karma feels frantic – and like she might vomit a little bit. Her heart is probably beating completely out of rhythm. This should be easier to say but she's panicked that she's waited way too long to figure her shit out and that Amy might just hate her now for being so ignorant about her own fucking emotions.

"Karma?" Amy is fiddling around in the kitchen. Her eyes look bloodshot and she looks like she's spent the better part of the day crying. Well, that just makes Karma feel shittier than she already did. It also feels kind of like a repeat of yesterday – they're just in Amy's kitchen now instead.

"Where's your mom and Bruce?"

"Out. Somewhere. The fuck knows? They could be at dinner… they could be on a cruise. They're never here anyways now that Lauren's gone and I'm an 'adult' … you know how they are."

Amy won't really look at Karma. Sure, she acknowledged her when she came in but she's still pulling chicken out of the refrigerator and debating which utensils she needs for whatever in the world she's trying to make. Since when did Amy even learn to cook real things?

Karma thinks Amy has no actual idea what she's doing she just doesn't want to face whatever's going on with them. Karma thinks Amy's sure she's here to end things for good with them.

"Ames…" Amy moves to the sink to rinse off the chicken without saying a word. This is bordering on ridiculous, Karma decides.

"Amy, I'm not moving. I'm not going to California with Liam."

Amy drops all of the chicken in the sink and the knife goes flying off the counter to the floor – it just barely misses Amy's foot. They both jump at the close call.

"Because you're getting married here instead and you just found the house of your dreams to raise your two kids in?"

Amy's feeling snarky. Fine. Karma's sure she earned that one. Amy lashes out when she's feeling hurt or vulnerable. Karma knows Amy so, yeah, she knew Amy wasn't going to make this easy for her. But it's hard enough as it is and she was still hoping Amy would cut her some slack. Apparently that's not how this is going to play out.

"No, because I just broke up with him," Karma watches closely for any subtle reaction Amy might have, "and I know what he said to you this morning and I am so sorry. He shouldn't have done that to you. That wasn't fair."

"Not much in my life has been fair, Karma," Amy is mumbling her words as she stays hunched over the sink. The little tremor in her shoulders is the only indication Karma has that Amy's about to cry.

They feel worlds apart while they stand in the same kitchen and the space between them is making it seem like this conversation isn't going to go anywhere good. Maybe Amy has the wrong idea about what's going on here so Karma comes up next to her. They both look out the window over the sink. The yard is dark so Karma can't fathom what it is that they're supposed to be looking at for distraction from this exchange but she'll play along for Amy.

"I know it hasn't been. And I know nothing about us has been fair to you either. I have no idea why you didn't just call it years ago –"

"Because I fucking love you, Karma. Jesus. If I could do anything about that don't you think I would've?! You're right I should've called this years ago. All the shit you've put me through. I'm done. I can't do this anymore."

Amy rips herself away from where they're standing. Karma feels like complete shit. Maybe she is too late. Maybe she took too long. She finds Amy leaning back against the wall - literally as far away as she can get without leaving the room.

"You can't do what anymore?"

"I can't do this," Amy says pointing between them. "Us."

This time – Karma's entire world is collapsing in on her.

"No, no, no. This isn't how this was supposed to go."

"And how was this supposed to go? We'd just carry on like this for the next six years? The next sixty years? It had to end eventually… I'm just the only one with the balls to say something. I don't care that you broke up with Liam. It's not like there won't be another guy around the fucking corner."

"Please, just listen to me. Please." Tears round fourteen from Karma. She's resorted to begging. She'd get down on her knees if she thought it'd make a difference. They can't miss this opportunity. They can't. Karma just figured this whole thing out and now is when Amy suddenly fucking decides to call it a day on her feelings?

She's so fucking frustrated with herself that she can't just hold it together to get through a fucking conversation. Her emotions always just end up overwhelming her and this is how they've always presented themselves. Karma assumes Amy's probably used to her crying about legit everything.

"Why should I? I told you to fucking go to California, Karma. I… don't want you here anymore. This is too hard. We're fucking ruining each other."

It looked hard for Amy to say that to her. Karma knows she's probably been rehearsing that to make sure she could even get the words out. That can't be how Amy really feels. Karma will not have it. The tables have kind of turned here and she's not about to lose Amy.

(The funny thing is the only person she'd be losing Amy to is herself. The irony is not lost on Karma).

"Go. Home. Karma."

Abso-fucking-lutely not, Karma thinks. This is going to go one of two ways for them. Karma decides it's most certainly going to go in her favor. Or she's at least going to go down swinging.

Karma breathes. She looks at Amy. Amy looks small despite how brave she's trying to be. Karma feels kind of bad about this. It's going to be a cheap shortcut but Amy will not listen.

Karma crosses the kitchen with some sort of newfound confidence that wasn't there before. She marches right into Amy's space and hears Amy's breath catch for just a second. Then, Karma kisses her the way Amy has deserved to be kissed all these years. She feels Amy make a really weak attempt to resist before she just lets go and kisses her back. It kind of takes both of their breath away.

Karma needs her to know how she feels. If Amy isn't going to listen to her words then she's going to feel it in her actions. She pushes Amy further backwards until the wall is basically all that's holding Amy upright. She thinks Amy is getting the point when she feels arms around her waist. It's that little bit of familiarity that lets Karma breathe a little easier.

So, Karma pulls back and Amy opens her eyes a second later. "Amy, I…" Jesus the amount of emotion Karma sees there is startling. "…this is real. We're real. I've been so dumb and –"

She doesn't get to finish that sentence. Amy is kissing her again. And there's something there that wasn't there two minutes ago. It's definitely got more force behind it and Karma knows for sure now - Amy gets it. She also knows for sure that wherever this is going – Liam will never be an option again. Amy is always going to make her feel more.

And fuck it all feels good.

Amy has her up on the counter (away from the chicken and knives) within the next two minutes; Karma's struggling to keep up because she has no fucking idea when that even happened? Amy literally has turned her to mush. She doesn't have words for what's going on inside her head (or her heart).

Karma can tell (because she knows Amy) that Amy is trying really hard not to rush this. What Karma doesn't know for sure is if it's because Amy thinks it might not last or if it's because Amy has waited so long for there to be nothing holding them back. It's probably a little bit of both.

Amy's hands are trembling when she goes for the hem of Karma's shirt. Karma's almost worried Amy isn't going to be able to get through this without spontaneously combusting. She smiles and grabs Amy's wrists to stop her for a second. Amy looks terrified – like Karma's going to take back everything.

"Ames," she says to get her to focus, "Breathe. I'm right here. I'm right here, okay?"

Karma takes her own shirt off. Amy's pupils are fucking blown. It's not like they haven't gotten this far before. But Karma's still pretty fucking flattered that Amy can still look at her like that six years later. Or eight years later. Whatever.

She smirks because it doesn't look like Amy's going to be able to do any of this without her help. It makes Karma love her just that much more. This is probably what her first time should've actually been like. Instead of in that fucking creepy thunder box.

Hell, this is definitely what Amy's first time should've been like. Instead of awful revenge sex with a boy she could barely stand. Karma can't take any of that back – but she can do her best to give Amy a first time with her that she'll remember.

So, Karma takes control and Amy looks about two seconds away from totally losing her shit about that. Amy actually looks like a kid thrown into a candy store who can't figure out where to even start. Karma is totally sure she told Amy to breathe but Amy looks like she's mostly still struggling to maintain composure.

"Hey," Amy's eyes flick up to meet Karma's when she hears her. "Let's go upstairs?"

Karma has Amy underneath her (finally) and down to her bra and underwear. For the record, Amy is still a shaking mess. She needs to figure out how to get Amy to calm the fuck down and be a participating member. She imagines that's going to be no easy feat. This is like everything Amy's ever wanted since they were fifteen – Karma would probably be short circuiting too.

So, Karma rolls off and to the side for a second. They're facing each other now so she can see what's going on with her best friend. Karma's still in her bra and jeans. Her lips are chapped from kissing Amy. She tried to slow things down a little bit to help. They've been kissing for at least the last forty five minutes.

"You okay, Amy?"

"I just… yeah. I'm trying to –"

"I'm not gonna leave," Karma says as she throws an arm over Amy's waist for reassurance. "Do you wanna do this? We don't have-"

"Yes."

Karma laughs. She can't help it. Amy's so fucking eager and smiling at her like she hung the fucking moon and stars. It used to feel like a lot of pressure, now it feels a lot like love.

"Okay. Then I need you to chill out," Karma says. "This is the first time. It is not the last. We're gonna do this and I'm still gonna be here after. It's just me, Ames. It's just us."

"Okay, yes."

Amy's pretty much been reduced to first grade sentences. Karma thinks she's so fucking cute… and pretty, and sexy, and a million other words she's finally letting herself think about Amy.

Karma reaches out and moves a strand of Amy's hair away and behind her ear – yeah, it's fucking cliché but Karma's always wanted to do it.

"You here with me now?"

Amy nods and finally grabs for Karma. She puts her back on top. Karma feels all of the feelings she's been ignoring. God. Amy overwhelms every fucking sense she has. What the fuck was she ever doing with Liam? She doesn't think she'll ever get used to this.

And so they mutually pull at clothes and Amy kisses her in places Karma didn't even know would feel good. Amy is experienced with this, but Karma is experienced with Amy. It's certainly not perfect, but it's so definitely them. Karma really couldn't wish for anything else.

Yeah, they bump heads a few times and Amy completely misses her lips and gets her eye but they laugh and Karma's reminded all over again that she picked Amy. And god this no longer feels like her world's collapsing – this feels a lot like her world's just beginning.

And when Amy finally is the one to get her to the finish line (which happens embarrassingly quickly because holy fuck Amy knows what's up) Karma sees fucking stars. And okay, it takes her a little longer to kind of figure shit out with Amy (she's never done this before but she picks it up quick and Amy helps her out a lot – which is ridiculously hot because Amy's so fucking sexy and this is a side of her Karma's never gotten to see).

But watching Amy fall apart in front of her (in the best way) is actually the biggest turn on Karma has ever experienced. So one time is totally not gonna cut it tonight. Not for either of them.

Karma is completely out of breath an hour later. She's on her back and Amy is on her side. Amy is playing with her fingers. Even that's a turn on now. Karma literally can't figure out why the fuck they didn't just do that six years ago? It would've made her come to her fucking senses in a far less dramatic way.

"Holy fuck, Amy."

Amy chuckles. Karma turns her head to the right where Amy's face is and kisses her again. Amy looks so fucking happy it's making Karma's heart do back flips.

"Yeah. Ditto on that."

"Where did you – mm, you know what, nevermind. Don't wanna know."

"How bout we just pretend I was born fucking awesome at that?" Amy's grinning at her as she moves closer. Karma can get down with that. She never ever wants to hear about Amy with anyone else.

"Amy, you're fucking amazing at that. I'm sorry if I wasn't –"

"Literally don't even finish that sentence, Karma. You were perfect. This was perfect. And guess what?" Amy wiggles her eyebrows at Karma in the cutest fucking way, "It's only going to keep getting better."

"Oh yeah?" Karma knows Amy fucking loves when she teases her.

"Oh yeah. I'm going to make damn sure of it. Because this is my new favorite thing to do with you."

Amy moves quickly. Karma barely has time to blink before Amy is back on top of her. She's got a look in her eyes like she might just devour Karma. It makes Karma blush and sends a chill all through her. Amy's going to make her crazy.

"You're gonna wear me out, aren't you?"

"That's the plan, Karms. Listen, I've got six years to make up for," Amy kisses her quickly and with more passion than should exist in the span of five seconds. "I don't care how you got here or what made you come to your senses," Karma sticks her tongue out as Amy smirks, "but thank god you did, Karma, because Jesus I love you and I didn't really know how the fuck I was going to let you go."

Karma's pretty sure she's the one that's going to spontaneously combust this time. Of course Liam told her he loved her. And she always responded in kind.

But hearing those words come out of Amy's mouth feels nothing like that – it feels so much better.

"I love you too," Amy's face legitimately lights up. "And you can thank Reagan for me getting here actually. And, oddly enough, Liam a little bit too."

Amy takes a deep breath and sits back. She's straddling Karma's waist looking all sorts of confused.

"I'm sorry but what?"

"It was weird," Karma laughs knowing there's no good way to explain what the fuck went on in her day. "But I'm here right?"

Amy nods and leans back down putting her hands on either side of Karma's head. She kisses Karma again.

"It's nice," Amy says. "To be able to do that now. Whenever I want."

"So why'd you stop?" Amy kisses her and smiles into it – and that might be Karma's new favorite thing. Karma finally knows exactly what she feels and exactly what she wants – it's definitely always gonna be Amy.

And for Amy, getting to be here with Karma, just like this, certainly feels a lot like victory.