I'm not dead. Ha!

- Unbeta'ed: All mistakes are mine.

11 - Nobody said it was Easy

She turned her eyes away, staring at anything but him and took a long swallow of her beer as if to somehow brace herself.

A couple of awkward minutes passed in silence while still no one had said anything until Sam finally broke the silence.

"I'll go put our stuff away," he cleared his throat. "Give you guys a minute."

And then he was gone, but not before he gave her a nod and squeezed his brother's shoulder subtly on his way, leaving her with Dean alone to finally have the long-overdue conversation.

Minutes ticked by and silence was still their only company. Caroline did want to understand and she had agreed on having this conversation with him, but she wasn't willing to make it easy for him. She had wondered for months, been hurting for months—the least he could do was to suffer through the silence for a couple more minutes. Or however long it took him to gather his courage.

The sound of a chair being pulled back against the wooden floor was loud enough to almost make her flinch. Caroline turned around just in time as Dean was opening his mouth to talk.

"Wanna take a seat?" He said after a moment of hesitation, again holding her eyes for just a second before averting them—ashamed, Caroline assumed. She moved slowly towards one of the chairs, putting two other ones between them and sat down silently.

The blonde watched Dean as he took a long swallow of his beer before he braced his forearms on the surface of the table, balancing the bottle between tented fingers and looking at it like it held all the answers to the universe's mysteries. She almost wanted to mirror his position, brace her body much as he was doing, readying herself for what she was going to hear, but she wanted to stay in control and sitting with her whole body facing his side, one leg crossed over the other, made her feel somehow like she had the upper hand in the situation. And the setup made her feel safer; ready to blot—just in case.

The clock on the wall ticked away another few minutes before Dean cleared his throat and finally looked at her. His body language already betrayed how uneasy he was feeling, his body still shaking slightly making Caroline remember that he had just got out of the hospital—against doctor's orders—yesterday. She blinked dry eyes and knew some of the coldness in them seeped away at the look in his eyes.

The look of a man who was about to confess to his greatest sin and the acceptance of whatever judgment was to be carried out in return.

"I'm sure you have a lot of questions, why I—did what I did, and I'm gonna tell you everything. But before I say anything I just need you to know that none of what had happened was your fault, nothing about you was the reason why I had done that. I just need you to know that, okay?" Dean said with a hint of protectiveness in his tone, like he was trying to shield her from the darkness of his world, from the hurt that had been done to her—that he had done to her.

Taken off guard for a second, Caroline just stared at him before her mind finally caught up and she nodded, still not breaking eye contact. But Dean—after he looked like he was making sure she was listening to him—averted his gaze and stared again at the bottle in his now shaking fingers.

She still watched his every move as he put the bottle away, probably feeling like it would slip out of his unsteady hands, and dragged his right one over his face before he turned his head to look in her direction but still not in her eyes.

"I was a demon," He started, flickered his eyes towards her momentarily to check for her reaction.

"A demon?" Caroline laughed nervously after a few seconds of shocked silence. Two days ago she was possessed by a ghost herself and she was still trying to come to terms with the fact that ghosts even existed—let alone demons.

Turning her eyes towards him, she found him looking at her, giving her time to process, waiting her out.

"So, you were possessed by a demon? Like I was with the ghost?" She couldn't believe she was actually using those words together in the same sentences. But it was true, wasn't it?

"No,"

"No?"

"No. I wasn't possessed."

Caroline fixed him with a confused look once more. If there was an actual conversation happening here, she was by no chance following it. "But you just said—"

"I know." Dean cut her off, a devastated expression taking over his tired features like the words were actually paining him. "I wasn't possessed. I was a demon."

Again, he gave her a moment to process then started to actually explain before she had the chance to ask how?!

"About half a year ago I died and came back to life. Only I came back as a demon. Since I woke up I was hitting the shit wherever I went with the other guy, I don't know if you remember him—his name's Crowley and he is a demon too. He had a hand in the whole mess but anyway, that's not the point,"

Caroline's mind had to back paddle and store the first line to later to actually process it and watched him instead, not wanting to miss the following part; the part she knew was about her. He exhaled harshly as if he was running from the memories before he continued.

"Through the following three months or so we hit a town after town; I screwed whatever body that was willing, and—" She flinched at his last words and he stopped to look at her, guilt and remorse shining in his pleading eyes as she stared at him with wide blue ones.

"And through it all I could care less about anything in the whole world—I took it too far; I did every bad thing that could cross your mind, including what I did to you."

She didn't realize that she was crying, didn't feel the tears streaming in steady lines across her pale cheeks, not until he stopped talking for a minute. A stray tear had slipped from his right eye and he whipped it away as quickly as it came, his eyes looking anywhere but at her.

"I know this isn't easy to swallow and you have every right not to believe a word of what I am saying, but it's the truth. And I also know that no matter what I say or do I can't fix what I'd done to you, I wish I could take it back but I can't," She looked up from her not-crossed-anymore legs. His green, red eyes were shining with tears as he went on.

"I know that 'sorry' isn't enough, won't change how you must've felt back then, how you probably still feel, but, Caroline," His voice broke on her name. "I'm so so so fucking sorry, I won't ask for your forgiveness, I know I don't deserve it but I need you to know how sorry I am. If there is anything I could do to erase that I wouldn't hesitate for a second to do it. I'm sorry. I'm very sorry."

….

Two hours later, Caroline was sitting on the edge of the bed in the room she had slipped into after her conversation earlier with Dean. Her phone was in her hands with her mother's number displayed on the screen. She has been intending to call her mother and hear her voice since Mrs. Davis had passed away but she couldn't master the strength to do it. She knew she needed her mother's support right now more than anything but she also knew that the second her mother said her name all her walls of defenses would crumble to nothing and she would break into sobs which would do nothing but make her mother go insane with worry.

And what was she even going to say to her mother anyway? That Mrs. Davis had been murdered by her own deceased child's ghost, who, by the way, was possessing her and made her watch as it was doing all kinds of crazy with her own hands? Or about the fact that she had almost been raped a few months back by a freaking demon? But oh, no, he was not a demon anymore, he was a person who was probably being sick in one of the many rooms that place had if the look on his face, and Sam's, after The Conversation had been any indication. And yes, she was going to put it like that, caps and everything, until she could work it through her racing mind. Oh, and of course she wouldn't forget about the fact that she was currently staying at the two strangers' even-stranger bunker.

Yeah, that was never going to happen. She stopped mid-pace to stuff her phone back into the pocket of her jeans and went out of the room.

She spotted Sam a few doors away down the long corridor and saw him sigh as he closed the door quietly behind him. She waited until he noticed her, not wanting to impose any further than she has already been doing and as if on cue, Sam lifted his head towards her.

"Hey," Giving her a smile that didn't quite reach his easy, Sam's long legs ate the space between them in a matter of seconds.

"Hey," She smiled back and her eyes strayed to the closed door. "Is he okay?"

"Shouldn't I be asking you that?" The tall man answered sympathetically, yet his tone was laced with a hint of what almost sounded like amusement and she shrugged in return.

"He's going to be fine," Sam answered her question anyway although it seemed like he didn't even believe what he was saying. "What about you? How're you holding up…with everything that was thrown at you all of a sudden lately?"

"I think…I think I'm fine." Caroline answered honestly and looked at Sam with amazed eyes like she surprised not just Sam, but herself as well. "I mean, I know it's a weird thing to say and of course I'm not fine with what happened, I mean, I really feel awful about what happed to Mrs. Davis—she was a real nice lady and she didn't deserve to go that way—but what I meant is that I'm fine with the whole, you know, ghosts and stuff thing. It kinda makes sense, somehow, knowing and understanding what happened and why it had happened actually made a difference as much as it might've messed everything up here, am I making any sense?" She pointed to her head as she explained; more like rambled really and just put her thoughts out there. And she knew that Sam understood what she meant by the look of sympathy he was giving her.

Their legs ate the hallway as they were talking and when Sam abruptly stopped to flick the lights on she found herself back at the library where Sam had walked on her while she was crying after her conversation with Dean a while ago. She didn't know how long she had stayed seated in that chair, crying and disbelieving, yet thinking more clearly in the same time before finally Dean had taken off and decided to give her space to process and not a long time after Sam had walked in, looking concerned and at loss as to what to do with the woman who was currently sobbing silently in the middle of their library.

He hadn't asked her if she was okay, that much was obvious, or asked how it had went with Dean since he most probably had checked on him before her—that much was obvious too. Instead, he had just pulled a chair, sat down and waited until she had let it all out. The emotions she has been trying to repress since she had woken up back on Mrs. Davis's couch with a mouthful of salt and smell of blood everywhere had decided to finally make an appearance, and the floodgates were ripped wide open, letting everything out.

Caroline realized she had needed that, and was grateful enough for Sam for giving her the space to do so while being there in the same time. After she had finally managed to get her emotions under control and calm down, Sam showed her to one of the many room in the long corridor, pausing for a second at one of the doors on their way as if trying to listen to whatever, or whoever, was behind it—Dean, she had guessed—before he moved on to the room two doors away, humming something about it being the cleanest right now and to make herself at home and just take her time.

"You wanna, I dunno, maybe eat something? You look kinda pale." Sam's words cut through the torrent of her thoughts and she had to smile at that. Sam was really a thoughtful guy, she liked how open and easygoing he was, it was giving her the assurance she needed at the moment as all she was so out of her element.

"Maybe later," She told him with a small smile and turned to look around. "Is there any window or something in this place? God knows I'm not claustrophobic or anything but I could really use some fresh air right now."

Sam chuckled in return, right hand going to the back of his head as he rubbed at the long strands of hair there. "I know, but yeah, no. I'm afraid the only windows in this place are the ones on the lobby's walls and so far I haven't found a way to open them. This place is a bunker; we don't call it that just for fun."

Caroline gawked at him but his face was splitting in a smug grin before she could say anything. "But, we can always use the garage, it got a back door. Put on your jacket and give me a minute."

Nodding, Caroline reached for her jeans jacket where she had hanged it on one of the library table chairs and watched as Sam went back into the hallway. She was willing to bet that he was going to let Dean know where he was going before they went out.

Sure enough, she heard Dean's muffled voice saying something around the words of I'm not a kid, Sam, followed by the thud of a door being closed.

"Okay," Sam came into view shortly after, shrugging on his own grey, denim jacket. "Ready to smell the roses?"

She gave him a smile, nodded silently and followed him to what was supposed to be the garage but not before her eyes lingered back at the hallway for one last second.

And true to Sam's words, there were actually roses and a whole bunch of different kinds of flowers lined up on the other side of the garage's door where it lead to some kind of forest. Caroline closed her eyes and breathed in, the fresh air of the early night helping clear her head even more. There was a bench a few feet away and before she felt it her legs were moving and she was sitting there, Sam following her not much after.

They sat silently and just breathed, apparently it wasn't just her who needed this, she thought as she counted to ten in her head before she fired the question she has been dying to ask since she had The Conversation with Dean earlier.

"Can I ask you something?"

"Again, I was wondering when you were going to ask that. Shoot." He said amusingly as he stared ahead and Caroline fought the urge to punch him in the arm and tell him to shut up. Sam was friendly like that; she smiled to herself as a picture of Matt flew through her head.

"Go on,"

"Dean—he said that he died?" And despite her curiosity the question came out in a whisper.

And just like that, the glint of amusement in Sam's eyes seeped away as he nodded solemnly, his gaze looking further away at something only he could see.

Ugh, screw it! She thought as she put a hesitant hand on Sam's broad shoulder and was dismayed to find it shaking under her palm. "Hey, I'm sorry."

"No, it's okay." He finally looked at her, smiling through tears before he cleared his throat. "I mean, no, it's not okay, it's never going to be okay, but it's okay you can ask. It's more or less your right, you know."

She took her hand away and clasped it in her other one. "Well, if you don't wanna talk about it right now, I get it. I just can't wrap my head around it—like, how, how is that even possible?!"

"How are demons and ghosts are possible?" Sam asked back softly.

And that she couldn't not roll her eyes at. "Well, I know that but there's ghost busting and then there's that. I'm willing to keep an open mind here, I am keeping an open mind, but … dead is dead. And last time I checked he's not a zombie or anything."

She knew from Sam's initial reaction that this was a sensitive subject—well, of course, how insensitive was it to ask someone 'could you please tell me how your brother died'?, a brother, who was nonetheless currently alive and kicking in the same building, how fucked up was that?—the reason why the one she got in return wasn't what she was expecting.

Sam was looking at her amusingly and actually laughing, shoulders shaking and everything.

"What?" She stared at him with raised eyebrows.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to laugh but I swear I could almost see those gears turning into your head, and you talk just like Dean!" Sam was still laughing and his laugh was so contagious she couldn't stop giggling a little herself.

She was aware though that this was because of the too much stringed emotions they were both riding in the meantime, but it felt better than crying, so there was that.

Eventually, they sobered up when the laughter died and Sam started answering her questions.

"Dean had died, yes, and I know it doesn't make any sense but trust me, our whole life doesn't make any sense, if you knew half the things we know with what you actually know right now you'd still swear that the nuthouse is missing a couple of straitjackets."

She was nodding along, wanting to know more but afraid to ask in case he decided to answer all of her questions. "So, he died and came back as a demon? Does that happen? I mean like, in your line of work, do people regularly just die and come back demons as a part of their condemnation or something?" As much as the thought was horrifying, it was a logical explanation to what she was hearing.

"No, no, no," Sam, thank God, was readily squashing her misguided fear. "No, that doesn't happen. People do turn into demons, well not exactly people, more like their souls, but only in one condition; when they make a deal with a demon by selling their souls to get whatever they want in return,"

Sam's gaze turned inward again, apparently lost in yet another horrifying memory and no matter how crazy things were, Caroline couldn't help but wonder just how much suffering those two have been through. She made a mental note to try and know later—if she hung out around them for that long.

"When their time is up, they die and go to Hell. Their souls are tortured and mangled for years, decades, it could take centuries even, but eventually their humanity flickers away, like a switch being flipped and they become demons and posses other people."

"Jesus,"

"Yeah,"

"Did that—did all of that happen to Dean?" Caroline whispered and Sam looked at her sadly, his eyes answering yes but his head shaking no.

"Well, no, not exactly." He sighed and looked away again. "That's really another long story, but no, Dean's situation was different."

"Another story? Wait, are you telling me he died more than once?" Seriously, what the hell!

"Look, Caroline, let's just focus here, okay? You do ask a lot of questions, you know that?"

"You're the one with the apeshit-crazy life!"

"Hey, I warned you!" Sam volleyed back somewhat playfully and she felt sorry for him. She was one curious bitch sometimes and she knew it.

"I'm sorry; I tend to get carried away sometimes. Do carry on please."

"Well, like I was saying, Dean's case was different." Sam continued and the mode turned somber once again. "He did make a deal, but not a regular one, it wasn't for something he wanted for himself or for someone else, it was a "means to an end" as he had put it back then. We were hunting a demon, a really bad one, and there was only one weapon that could kill it, and to harness that weapon Dean had to receive something from yet another demon so he could be able to use it. This thing, the mark, it wasn't made for humans, the human soul is simply not strong or evil enough to contain its power, so it messed Dean up bad and when—when he was killed, his body gave up on him but the mark just didn't. It had taken over and twisted his soul enough to bring his back to life, only as a demon. Like you, at first I thought some demonic bastard was possessing him and enjoying walking around wearing his face, but then I knew the truth and I managed to cure him. And even though at first all it seemed to have been doing was killing him, but I knew that Dean would rather go out as a human or at least fighting to be one than carry on like that. So I did it and here we are."

Sam took a deep breath after he was done talking and Caroline just stared at him, trying to absorb everything he had just said.

"Oh my God," She whispered, covering her mouth with her hand and a tear slipped from Sam's eyes and fell onto the ground. He sniffed and nodded silently and she gave him time to collect as well as herself himself before she uttered the one thought that was ringing in her head.

"Sam, I know this has been horrible for you to tell and I'm sorry if I pushed when I had no right," She put her palm flatly on his shoulder and let it linger this time when she felt him lean into her touch and sigh in exhaustion. "And I'm sorry I'm saying that, but are you sure that Dean is okay now? Like, not-a-demon okay?" She couldn't believe she was actually saying that. It was strange, how easy she was willing to take everything Sam said as the truth and nothing but.

"What? Why?" His exhausted body stiffened and the devastated expression on his face was replaced with a fight or flight mode in less than a second.

"Well, back at the hospital, the doctor had mentioned something about a burn on Dean's arm that he couldn't explain, and after all that you said about the mark and healing him, but it's still there if I got it right, so—" She drifted off as Sam visibly relaxed and huffed a huge breath out.

"You're really observant, aren't you?" He smiled a little, the smile not reaching his eyes yet.

"You're not too shabby yourself," She shrugged trying to lighten up the mood a little bit and felt herself relaxing as well.

"Yeah, well, Dean was cured, he got his soul back but the mark is still there. It's not that easy to cure, I wish it was."

"So, you guys are looking for one then?"

"Yeah, more like I am looking for one; Dean—he's certainly willing to fight but I think he just… lost hope long time ago, so I'm trying to keep the faith for both of us, you know?"

Her chest tightened at Sam's tone and she felt her heart literally ache for the brothers; who would have thought that the world could be such a dark place. And just how much have the brothers been through to leave them that broken for a lack of better word. She wondered, looking at the world with a whole new, nonetheless frightening, perspective.

"I really am sorry, Sam. I don't know what to say," She shook her head and looked at him, hoping her eyes could tell him what she couldn't express.

"It's okay, we've been through a lot and we figured it out, it's just one more pump in the road," Sam smiled, eyes glistening with tears and she hoped it was, if only for his sake.

A comfortable silence kept their company, giving Sam enough time to compose himself before he broke it.

"You know, I know that this isn't my place but I just wanted to say that, the person you knew before? That wasn't Dean. No matter what he told you, it wasn't him. It was a demon that was cure, and I got my real brother back. Dean could be intense—violent even sometimes, but he would never hurt someone who was innocent, hell, he'd even sacrifice himself for strangers so long as he got to save their lives. That's Dean."

Caroline nodded, letting Sam's words settle in and be stored alongside all the other information that has been thrown at her lately.

"Hey, what about that food now? I'm starving," She said after a minute and stood up way too cheerfully than she intended to, but it got her a chuckle from Sam anyways, so, small victories.

"Yeah, I can hear your stomach growling from here." He answered teasingly, standing up and stretching his long frame. "Alright, I'm gonna go for a quick run and grab us some food."

"Umm, okay, then." She wasn't too fond of the idea of Sam leaving her alone with Dean, what with the older brother's physical condition and their situation and all but she nodded anyway.

"Hey, Caroline, I know I may be asking a lot, but would you mind keeping an eye out for Dean?" He asked hesitantly as they turned to enter the garage and Sam headed for the Impala. "Just in case," He added when she took too long to answer and she nodded.

Much like back at the hospital, she was amazed by the fact that Sam seemed to trust her enough—or didn't have any other choice, but she decided to stick to the first option instead—to ask her to watch out for his older brother. It touched and scared her how well she was getting along with Sam and how much she felt for the brothers despite the short period and the circumstances.

And maybe these circumstances were the reason, after all.

tbc..

~Aya S.