A/N: Hey all. It's been ages since I posted a story on here, so forgive me if I grow lax in my updates. Feel free to leave words of encouragement to get the juices flowing. Anyhoo, this is an idea that's been kicking around for ages, so here goes! Also- as things get heated, feel free to tell me if I should change the rating. It's definitely an R-rated thing, but not for sex and it seems that if nobody's got their dick out, you get reamed for making a post M.

The world is unfair. The odds are never in our favor. There is no silver lining. Or, at least that's what I would have told you up until recently.

My therapist, Dr. Aurelius, thinks that cataloging the events of the past year would help me put all of them to bed, so here goes.

My name is Katniss Everdeen. I'm 28 years old from Seam City, Pennsylvania. I just moved back in with my surrogate parents, Effie Trinket and Haymitch Abernathy. My mom was never much help, so that is what it is. I don't really hold it against her too much anymore, but we don't have much else to say to each other. She lives down the shore and is all the better for it. My dad died when I was young. It was sudden and unexpected, but that's the danger of industrial jobs, I suppose. My little sister, Prim, is 22 and is the saint of the family. Even though I sort of resent it, she's got her shit together and she's my biggest hero. My marriage failed. I'm over it. I wasn't, but I am now. I spent eight months in Capitol Rehab Center out west as opposed to jail. It's not something that I'd expected to have to deal with. Ever. But the song. That stupid fucking song. I'd been back a couple of days and feeling good when it hit me for the first time.

Wait a minute- let me backtrack. You all don't even know what I was in for. I beat a chick within an inch of her life. It wasn't like it was unprovoked. Yeah, Gale and I got married young, right out of college. But, we'd been in love forever. It wasn't like no one had expected it. We'd been best friends growing up and, to be honest, I'd never thought of him as a "guy" in that sense, let alone a potential partner. If I'm being honest, I'd never thought of anyone that way. But, the day we graduated high school, he told me that he loved me. He kissed me. I cried. I actually ran away. I took off into the woods behind our high school and hid. I know that doesn't sound romantic, but it just took me by surprise, you know? Anyway, finally, he convinced me. And we went off like a rocket, hot and heavy and headed for anywhere that wasn't here. Then he got a job at the local high school and that was it. Here we stayed. And I guess that's cool, because, at the time, I really felt like I needed to be here for Prim, anyway. So, as for what I did... well. You don't need to know that part yet. All you need to know is that it's just a thing. It's a thing I did that I'm not proud of and it was violent and it wasn't cool.

They'd declared that I'd been living with undiagnosed bipolar disorder and couldn't have been held responsible in a court of law, so instead of proceeding, they offered me a deal: rehab and a restraining order from Gale. My Gale. He didn't want me anywhere near him under any circumstances. Like he couldn't trust me. Like it was him that I'd attacked. And, don't misunderstand, it's not that kind of a rehab. I'm not a drunk or hopped up on meth or anything like that. It's closer to a physical rehab. Just for the brain. Using it the way you're supposed to as opposed to the way that hurt you before. It's not as serious as it sounds. I know I sound pretty flip about all of this. I get that it's a big deal, but I don't want it to be made out to be something it's not.

So, I did eight months out West. Effie came to get me from the airport after a lengthy Skype session with my doctor there. He insisted that I'd just started to get used to it there, but Effie... she was great. She turned 15 shades of pink and red, telling them that eight months was perfectly long enough. "It's not proper for a young woman of her capability," she retorted. I love her. She was right though. Eight months was more than enough. All I'd wanted to do was get back to Gale, even though I did make a friend out there. Johanna. She's a trip. But you'll hear more about her later.

Even though I was excited to start working things out with Gale, it was decided that it was better for all of us if I didn't go right back to him. That might have something to do with the restraining order. Can you feel me rolling my eyes from here? Because I am. So, anyway, that's what happened. When I get back, for what you may be able to imagine as the most awkward reunion of my life- I haven't stayed the night in this house in six years. Probably longer.

And yet here I was, in the foyer of the house in the Victor's Village section of Seam City. In the same house Effie and Haymitch had lived in forever. The house my little sister and I had lived in since our dad died. The house that, when I got married, I said I'd never go back to. Not that there were bad memories, per se, but because I'm not the same person I was when I went away to school.

Haymitch, and his longtime friend and business partner- or sometimes rival- Chaff sat around the dining room table arguing over some papers I couldn't make out. Whatever it was, I could tell that my interrupting them wouldn't be well received. I made a beeline for the stairs, anxious to get my stuff back in my room, until Effie gave a persistent "ahem" and edged me for the table.

With a sigh, I took a long pleading look at her, hoping she'd pick up on my desperation to put this conversation off as long as possible. No dice. She dug her perfectly manicured nails, pink today, into my arm and put me in the chair at the head of the table. "Haymitch," she said softly with what could only have been a small gesture to me.

He looked up at her, missing me completely. After a moment, he looked at me. It seemed to take him a bit of processing to realize exactly what was happening. Drunk, probably. Not that I'd expect any different after all these years. I offered a hesitant smile, trying to gauge whether or not he was okay with it. Or if he even knew.

Haymitch stood up, heading toward me. He seemed just as uncomfortable as I felt. Not a good sign. His eyes searched me, as if he didn't believe I was in front of him. Despite not being quite as old as either of my parents, both he and Effie are old enough that there is that sense of maturity and demand for respect that only comes from parental units. Who knew, right? "You good, Sweetheart?" he asked, shoving his hands deep in the pockets of his jeans.

"Yup. Totally," I nodded. It wasn't a lie... exactly. I felt good, but there was something missing. Something that could only be attributed to Gale.

He opened his arms to me. Something he hadn't done in years. He opened his arms to me and gestured to himself. "Get over here, then," he added, making sure I knew it was wanted. I stood up, hesitated a moment, then nestled myself in his arms. Behind me, I could hear Effie stifle a sniffle. Neither of us had ever been particularly affectionate toward each other. It wasn't that we didn't love each other, but our relationship had always been more sarcasm and light digs. Part of me wished it had been more normal, but I knew that my teenage self certainly didn't want to believe that Haymitch had any idea what he was talking about and he wasn't the type to try to compete for a space in my heart that he was sure belonged to my father only. But that just wasn't so. And I wish I'd been better at telling him. After our embrace passed into a more than uncomfortable time span, he broke away, asking me what I'd been afraid of. "You got it?"

The pin. Of course I had it. It was one of the few possessions from my childhood that I really, truly cherished. When he and Effie legally adopted me, almost 2 whole years before they adopted Prim, Effie and Haymitch gave me a pin. The Seam Mockingjays, our local football team, emblem. It was small and gold and, while I didn't really care a great deal about the game itself, it was a symbol of unity- of family- between us. They gave me the pin. Haymitch had a watch with the emblem on it. Effie had earrings. And it made us a family. "Yeah. Right here. They wouldn't let me have it in my room..." I stammered. "I could hold it in therapy sessions, but that was it. When I left, they gave it back to me."

He looked crestfallen. Not only had they ripped me away from my family, they'd taken away the thing that started the recognition that that's who they were. He shook his head and backed away, gesturing a little manically with his hands between Effie and myself. "What did they think you were gonna do, slice your wrists with a pin? For fucks sake..." I backed away a little, because, yeah- that's exactly what they thought. Either that or that I was going to stab someone with it. Well, with me, probably the latter. But still, it was a little insensitive of him to say. Still, he plowed on. "Well, at least you got it now." He played around with the watch on his wrist for a moment and then turned to Effie. "So, what is this? I can't get you to shut up, but you don't tell me you've gone and gotten this one out early?" he asked, mussing my hair up and sitting on the edge of the table.

"She was ready, Haymitch. It wouldn't have been proper." She swatted his ass a bit, hinting that that was not a chair. He didn't seem convinced.

"Yeah, Haymitch. It wouldn't have been proper. I'm ready," I repeated, more for my benefit than his.

"Alright, I was just asking," he said, throwing his hands up in defeat, backing away from us and toward Chaff, who hadn't seen fit to interrupt our conversation as we had his. Still, Haymitch wasn't giving up. He looked back to Effie, "You don't normally keep things from me unless you don't think it's right-"

She sighed, putting an arm around my shoulders and bouncing her hip against mine a bit. "Well, this was different, darling."

I looked over at her, clasping my hand over hers, a smile threatening to overtake my face. She really did trust me to be back here. "Yeah, totally different," I agreed.

"Mhm," he hummed, looking over at Chaff, rolling his eyes. "I'm just checking."

"The court said it was okay," Effie stated plainly, leaving out our Skype session and the ridiculous amount of convincing it had really taken.

For some reason, Haymitch seemed to be trying desperately to figure out a reason this wasn't okay. "I don't really give tw- what about the doctors? What did they have to say because ultimately, they're pulling the strings there." He'd finally hit it, right on the head.

Effie took a few steps away from me and rested her hands on Haymitch's chest, kissing him on the forehead, easily reached between his lack of height and her stilettos. "I talked to the doctors, Haymitch. Everything's handled," she said, patting him on the back and crossing into the kitchen.

"It's handled, Haymitch," I added, albeit uselessly. "Totally. Effie's got this." While 'I've got this,' is what I wanted to say; what I want to believe. I don't have this. I just want to go see Gale.

"Alright, alright," he conceded after a while, plopping down at the table, catty-corner from Chaff, who'd been busying himself with the papers- no, blueprints- at the table in front of them.

"So," I asked, casually, "what are you doing with yourself."

Haymitch's chest puffed out a bit. "I'm opening a bar." He was clearly proud of the idea.

I wished I could be, but all I could see was a man who'd been trying for years to keep his head above water. "A bar, huh? Where everybody knows your name?" I mused, and he smiled a bit, nodding. I tried not to let my judgement cross onto my face, still unable to keep secrets from him, just as I hadn't been able to when I was a kid. "Where's the money coming from?" I asked.

He deflated a bit, eyes narrowing at me. "I have my ways, sweetheart. Don't you worry." He patted my hand lightly and intended to go back to their discussion.

The problem was, in the shuffling of the papers, Chaff had uncovered the little black book. "Mhm. I see. All legal and totally taxable right?" I ask, knowing deep down what it contains.

He began to grow increasingly more angry with me. "What's that supposed to mean? What are you saying about-" he pushed the papers around a bit and stood back up, eye level with me again, daring me to challenge him.

"Nothing. I just-" And I froze. He looked so hurt that I'd accuse him of something he swore off of. And he wanted so badly to be free of it. My mind reeled, backpedaling and settling on the sight of Chaff's car in the driveway. "Effie was saying earlier, you've been back bookmaking."

From the kitchen, her voice carried through the house at a little better than a screech. "I did no such thing," clearly offended at the insinuated breach of manners.

"Effie, not 5 minutes ago, when you were out front whining about having to deal with Chaff. And she meant no disrespect, just that you're a bit of a pain in the ass." And that much was true. But that's all that was true. She didn't mention it. She's always had a 'see no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil' mentality, bless her.

"Fair," Chaff nodded in agreement, breaking his silence. "I am that." He rose, crossing to me with a devious smile. He's a bit older than Haymitch, so he thinks he can get away with things in that dirty old man kind of way. I backed away, wary of what he could possibly have planned. "How're you doing, sweetheart? You're looking well..." He half-growled. Before Haymitch or I could protest, his lips were on mine.

I wriggled away, smacking his shoulder halfheartedly. He really is a harmless guy, but, ultimately, that doesn't change the fact that it's still really uncomfortable. I crossed behind Haymitch, gesturing at my left hand over my shoulder, "You know I'm still married, right?"

Seizing the opportunity- and my free hand- Haymitch queried, "Speaking of- what are you gonna do now that that's all over?" He spun me back to him, looking me square in the eyes, as he had probably a hundred times before, but this time, his crystal blue eyes seemed to suggest that he knew something I didn't.

"Over? Haymitch, are you kidding?" I shook him off, backing away and propping myself up in the bay window. "It's not over it's just a hitch. We're married. We love each other. I just have to prove to him that I'm not gonna wig out again." And I believed that that was it, too.

"Is that so?" Haymitch nodded, incredulously.

"Mhm. And, I'm gonna go out a little later on and grab all the books on his syllabus for this year just to show him." I was bound and determined to prove to everyone, and I guess at that point still myself, that that was this grand, sweeping, romantic gesture- read these high school level books and that'll show him you're all better now. Totally. A+, Katniss.

He remained suitably unimpressed. Come to think of it, he laughed. "Is that- Is that the best thing you can think of, sweetheart?"

I gritted my teeth at the completely innocuous nickname that, for whatever reason, seemed to be setting me off that day. I guess I'd never really felt like it was as condescending as it was. "Yeah, I think so," I rebutted.

"Alright. If you say so." He rolled his eyes and grabbed a beer off the table, opening the tab and taking a long swig.

Even the sound of his swallowing was starting to really piss me off. I needed to get out of there, and fast. "You know what... Just... Panem et Circenses. That's all. That's what this is." I repeated my little mantra to myself. Panem et Circenses. That's what this is. Did I know what it meant? No. It was on a poster on my wall at Capitol and I'd just sort of repeated it to myself to calm me down. I wasn't allowed on the internet out there and couldn't find it in any book, so I figured it was something positive. It even sounded regal. To me anyway.

"Panama Arkansas? What the fuck is that?" He choked out, wiping at his mouth, putting the can down. "Is that some upper crust jab at-"

"No, Haymitch. No, it's just- It's-" I stammered. How was I going to explain it. "You know what it means? It means I'm gonna find a silver lining in all of this. I just gotta use this all as fuel and catch fire. Watch me burn." I spun around with a flourish, like a kid showing off a new dress.

"Oh, I'm watching something, alright," he concluded, picking his beer up one more time and knocking it back.

I closed my eyes and turned back for the stairs, hoping I could get unpacked and out before the bookstore closed. It was all I could do to just hope that, maybe, things would die down and then I could focus on why I was back here: getting Gale back.