Notes:

Yeah, I'm bored today. I suppose I could be cleaning, instead I'm going through my stories and trying to rebuild some of the ones I lost in October last year. I'm a systematic person so I'm just running through my list alphabetically the way I've stored it on my computer. That's the only rhyme and reason to why this story is first.

This is from my Brown Leather Jacket series. You might want to read that story first. This is an action story (though the first chapter is just establishing the current state of things). Hopefully you all will find it interesting. :)

This story starts at the end of Age of Ultron but will not reference it too much, neither will I reference the Civil Wars directly, though that is the next movie after AoU. It just didn't fit into this story at all.

Story title from the Imagine Dragons song. This chapter title from the Smithereens song.

Other info: My Maria Hill always seems to be an emotional drunk. This is not a bash of any other ship (though Sharon and Darcy will show up later in the story and Maria is always stupidly jealous of them).

Please R & R.

I want to love but it comes out wrong
I want to live but I don't belong
I close my eyes and I see
Blood and roses

One moment, Maria was standing in Stark's control room, she could hear Steve and Natasha on the comm. The next, an explosion threw her to the floor, only there was no longer a floor and she felt herself freefall. Then she felt the impact as her body landed on something hard, with corners, a desk?

She wasn't sure how long she lay there, she felt herself drift in and out of consciousness. This wasn't a first time for her, she remembered how it felt. She felt the pull to give in to it completely. The pain would stop, her mind coaxed her. She tried to fight, fearful that if she gave in, it would be the last thing she ever did. But the pull became stronger and she knew there was nothing she'd be able to do to fight it, there was no longer any use in her struggle. As she finally gave in and her eyes drifted shut, she saw a man walk up to her. He stood over her and reached out his hands to her.

"Steve," she said.

But the man only laughed quietly and it didn't sound like Steve's laugh. He lifted her, one arm under her neck, one, oddly cold, arm under her knees, and Maria felt herself giving way to the pull of the darkness.

"Rest," the man said, and Maria knew for certain then that it wasn't Steve. The voice wasn't Steve's at all.

She felt herself being carried down some stairs, but the man held her tightly so she never felt as if he might drop her. She tried counting the stairs to keep herself conscious, but after the first flight, she finally succumbed.

"Maria." A voice was calling to her.

"Maria." Now someone was patting her hand.

"Ms. Hill." It was the same voice. A man. And the hand patting hers was male as well. But it wasn't anyone she knew, she didn't recognize the voice.

"Maria, open your eyes for me," the voice commanded.

She wasn't really in the mood for this she just wanted to sleep. Her only reply to the man was a groan to indicate her displeasure.

"Maria," he continued, unabated. "It's time for you to open your eyes."

She tried to turn her body, to curl it up and pull herself into a ball hoping to give this person an idea of what she wanted, and it wasn't to open her eyes. But she couldn't move. Her body wouldn't respond to her wishes. It was then she noticed the feeling of heaviness. This was more than just being tired. She'd been drugged. She tried to force her eyes open, but suddenly it felt as if she was being strangled, only from the inside. She choked and gagged on whatever was strangling her. Her eyes finally opened and she stared wildly around the room. She couldn't breathe, something was in her throat and it was cutting off her airway.

Hovering over her were a man and a woman.

"Lean your head back," the man said as he pressed his hand on Maria's forehead to force her to do just that.

Maria tried to move her hands to get a grip on what she thought for an instant were assailants, but her hands still were not able to answer her mental request.

"You were intubated, Ms. Hill," the woman said. "We're going to pull your tube out to see if you can breathe on your own."

Maria's mind finally began to register her surroundings. It was obvious now that she was in a hospital, the woman, by her white coat, must be the doctor. The man, by his green smock-style shirt, must be the nurse. She'd been intubated and that meant she was in the ICU. She could only be in the ICU if something horrible had happened to her. Maria tried to recall the events that landed her here but her mind was still fuzzy from the drugs.

After what seemed like an eternity to Maria, but was most likely only mere seconds, the tube was out. But that didn't minimize the pain. It was a struggle to swallow, but she took a few shallow breaths and her lungs only burned a little. After a few minutes and a brief exam, the doctor seemed satisfied that Maria could breathe on her own and would not need to be re-intubated. Maria felt such enormous relief, as if that was the only good news she had heard in a long time.

"Maria, I'm Dr. Clay," the woman finally addressed her. "Do you remember anything from your accident?"

So, she'd been in an accident. That seemed such a small thing compared to what she thought must have happened. But she couldn't recall a single thing about it so she shook her head.

"We're not entirely sure what happened either," the doctor continued. "Emergency services brought you in but the only information they had for us is that a man carried you to them and gave them your name and employer's name."

The flash of a silver hand shot through Maria's memory, but she mentally shook it away. That was impossible.

She tried to ask about Stark and Pepper. Hadn't Pepper been with her when this accident happened? Maria closed her eyes for a moment. It wasn't an accident. She could remember that now. There was an explosion. No, Pepper hadn't been with her, thank goodness. Who had? She couldn't remember. Nothing but an explosion, and the feeling of falling into nothing, and the flash of a silver hand.

Her throat and mouth were parched and the nurse brought over a cup of water and a star-shaped, pink sponge-on-a-stick to moisten her mouth and throat. Maria opened her mouth dutifully and allowed him to rub the sponge inside as she fought back the urge to suck all the water out of it. She knew better than that, this wasn't the first time she'd awoke this way.

"How long?" she asked, hoping they'd understand the question without more of an explanation.

"You've been unconscious for three days while we had you in a medical coma," the doctor explained. "You're body needed time to heal from the surgery and all your injuries."

Maria nodded slightly.

"Stark," she said.

It was a word she knew she could form easily and a name they would probably know.

"News is still trickling in," the doctor said as the nurse began to change Maria's dressings on her wounds.

Maria barely paid attention, her mind now trying to figure out how to get into contact with Steve or Tony or any of the other Avengers.

"TV," she said.

The doctor only shook her head.

"We don't allow them in the ICU. But you will probably be transferred to a regular room within the next two days."

She only nodded her head realizing there really was nothing she could do, her body wasn't even cooperating with her.

The next morning the doctor felt she was recovered enough that she could be transferred out of the ICU. Maria's body nearly hummed with anticipation. She was desperate for any news.

By noon, when her liquid lunch was brought in, Maria had turned off the TV. She had forgotten how emotional morphine made her, it was as bad as being drunk. All she saw were scenes of destruction. There was one clip all the news stations replayed of Steve where he was thrown across a street and his body slammed into a car. He hadn't risen from that limp position by the time the camera had lost the signal.

Maria recalled one of the last real conversations she and Steve had before all this hell broke loose. He was telling her about his regrets, about Peggy and Bucky. Before this moment, Maria could honestly say she'd never had a regret. Now that she was so uncertain about Steve's well-being, she knew she would have several if she never saw him again. She would never have told him about her ridiculous crush, which was all she'd admit it was. But she should have expressed her admiration directly to him, not only in formal SHIELD documents. She should have told him how much it meant to her that he spent time with her when he came to New York. How grateful she was that he had become her friend.

Four days later, Maria was feeling better and the morphine had been cut down to an amount that didn't seem to affect her as deeply. Her wounds and cracked ribs were healing nicely and the doctor thought she might be able to go home in a day or two. She'd heard nothing from anyone, but that didn't surprise her. From what she saw on the news, the world was a mess, and, according to most, the Avengers were to blame. If she hadn't been hoping for news on everyone, she would have turned it off in disgust.

She glanced at the clock as a particularly annoying news-anchor was, yet again, asking who was going to pay for all this damage. It was almost lunch-time and Maria was famished. She wasn't sure how she could get so hungry doing absolutely nothing. It was probably the lack of coffee that normally fueled her and covered her hunger.

The door pushed open and she started to move her books and newspapers off the hospital table so the food worker could put her tray on it when a voice startled her.

"Maria."

She jerked her head toward the door and almost choked on a sob before she could reign in her emotions. 'Damned pain medication,' she thought.

"Steve," she said aloud.

He nodded at her and walked into the room. He was careful with his steps, as if he was injured and Maria found herself looking him over.

"Are you OK?" she asked. "I was so worried."

He reached for her hand when he came to her side. The way he looked at her stirred something in her that both terrified and excited her. But he looked away for a moment, and when he returned his gaze, the look was gone.

He nodded in answer to her question.

"I'm fine," he said.

Maria leaned back against her raised bed, unable to hide her relief.

Steve pulled the chair next to her bed and sat, but he didn't drop her hand. It was obvious he needed the contact so Maria said nothing.

She asked him to tell her everything. She was certain he left far more out than she wanted. But they'd have time later, she reasoned, and she'd get him to tell her then. In a lull in the conversation, Maria commented on Steve's clothing.

"What's with the hat and the glasses?" she asked.

"Disguise," he told her with a grimace, then glanced up to the TV.

She looked up to see a member of the Italian Chamber of Deputies complaining about what it seemed everyone else in the world was complaining about at the moment: The Avengers. Maria reached beside her and pushed the remote button to turn off the TV before she turned back to Steve.

"It's really bad, Maria," he admitted.

Lunch came at that moment and Maria began to nibble on the bread, unsure now if she could hold down the rest.

"Eat," he said, pulling her out of her thoughts. "You need to get better."

Then he smiled at her. It was a real smile, not one of his smiles he used when he was trying to cover his pain, or make other people comfortable. It did strange things to Maria that she blamed on the morphine.

They were both silent for some time after that, lost in their own thoughts, while Maria slowly ate.

"I don't know what to do about this mess," he said. "It's like after New York and DC, only worse."

Maria shook her head. She had no solution now. After New York she had continued on at SHIELD. After DC, Stark had offered her a job almost immediately.

"I suppose I'll stay at SI," she said, finally finished with her lunch and now cradling her hot tea. "See if I can help at that end."

"You've talked with Tony?" he asked, and Maria was concerned that he sounded surprised.

"No," she said and shook her head. "You're the only person I've seen since I regained consciousness."

"Oh, Maria," he said, his voice was pained. "I'm so sorry."

He reached over and took her hand in his again. Then, to her surprise, he leaned forward and pressed it to his cheek.

"We thought you might be dead," he said, his voice was raw with emotion.

"It'll take more than that to kill me," Maria told him as she tried to lighten to mood.

Steve looked up at her. There was tension in his face but he gave her a relieved smile before he surprised her again by kissing her palm.

"That's good to know."

11 months later

Maria stared down at the street from her apartment window. The buds were just beginning to open on the trees that lined the avenue and she had to admit it looked beautiful. It had been a long, bitter winter, made worse by the fallout from the mess Ultron had made. As well as other reasons, Maria sighed.

"Just admit it, at least to yourself," she said aloud.

Steve had tried to be around for her as much as possible once she'd been released from the hospital the previous year. As she started to improve, she had recalled her thoughts when she wasn't sure if he was alive or not. She hadn't wanted any regrets, so she'd told him. Not about the absurd feelings she had whenever she saw him, just what she thought of him as a person. It had been quite a moment for her. She'd never said things like that to anyone and her heart had felt as if it might explode in her chest. He'd thanked her and smiled and told her how much it meant to him to hear those words from her. Her heart had calmed as she realized she'd made it through the event unscathed.

He had returned to DC shortly afterwards. They spoke on the phone frequently, mostly about his frustration with politicians and her frustration with Tony and Stark Industries. Slowly, their conversations began to fill with the topic of Sharon Carter. More quickly, their conversations became fewer and farther between. His work, and his private life, keeping him obviously too busy. Maria had hated herself for her anger over it. The man had every right to have someone in his life, in fact he deserved it. He was always giving everything and never receiving anything in return. She was happy for him. But, damn it if she wasn't more than a little jealous of Sharon.

She took a deep breath and chastised herself for the thousandth time since that thought had first crossed her mind. Sharon was good for him, g-d knew Sam and Clint said it enough. She was proud of herself that she'd been able to maintain her usual cold exterior when they would go on about some exploit they'd had with Steve and Sharon while in DC.

In fact, she'd been doing a rather good job at the cold exterior lately. Going back to work for Stark hadn't been as easy as she'd thought it would and she wasn't entirely happy with the situation. He and Steve weren't exactly seeing eye-to-eye lately and the rumor mill was rampant with the idea that Steve was starting a team of his own.

She turned to the clock on the wall by the door. It was nearly time to leave if she hoped to make it to Steve's hotel by lunch. He'd wanted to talk with her and had told her he would order them room service. The privacy of the meeting led Maria to suspect it had something to do with the rumors; though, why he'd feel compelled to speak with her about it, she wasn't sure.

An hour later, Maria knocked on the door of Steve's hotel room. She wasn't sure what she'd expected when he opened the door but she was fairly certain she hadn't expected him to appear nervous. He shook her hand in greeting, saying how good it was to see her again and, if Maria was one to think someone like Steve Rogers could ever be remotely attracted to someone like her, she would have said his gave her a very fast once over. As her body warmed at his look, Maria cursed her reaction. It had been a long time since she'd seen him and she'd tried to forget how good just being with him made her feel. Now those memories came back in a flood.

Fortunately he broke the tension quickly by getting down to business.

"I'm sorry to ask this, but can you leave your purse in the bathroom?"

"That serious?" She cocked an eyebrow in question.

She handed him her purse and he set it on the bathroom counter next to a small disrupting device. Maria glanced at Steve as she grew more concerned. She'd never known him to be this paranoid. He took a small scanning device then looked between it and Maria, as if he was hesitant to use it.

Maria raised one eyebrow at him and finally had to smirk at his indecision.

"Is it because you're afraid I'll be offended that you don't trust me?" she asked. "Or because the need for close physical proximity to use it?"

Once the words were out of her mouth, she nearly blushed herself. Hopefully Steve was too busy being embarrassed himself to notice her discomfort.

He finally took a deep breath and turned it on. Maria held out her arms and watched him as he scanned her for any devices. She couldn't be angry with him, obviously this was difficult for him. Steve had once been trusting by nature, she felt, and his life was getting far more grey than he liked. Shortly he was satisfied with his search and stood, re-pocketing the scanner.

"The room is secure so there shouldn't be any problems," he told her as he led her to the table where the food was already set on the usual hotel plates with their covers.

Steve pulled her chair out for her then removed the cover of her plate to reveal a good sized portion of filet mignon, her favorite meal, along with some potatoes and vegetables. There were rolls and butter, along with wine and, to the side, coffee and dessert for after dinner.

"Quite the spread," she smiled slightly as she took it in.

"Filet mignon is still your favorite, I hope," he grinned and Maria chastised herself for the annoying way her heart beat a little faster.

She nodded to assure him it still was, while she tried not to read anything into him remembering this little fact. He had an eidetic memory, after all.

They began their meal and exchanged small talk at first. She knew she was holding her own, as far as revealing her feelings, but it was a difficult task. After they'd brought down HYDRA along with SHIELD, Steve had seemed to go out of his way to get under her defenses and he'd done too good a job. She was no longer used to being so closed off with him.

Finally, Steve poured them another glass of wine and started to get to the point of the visit.

"I'm moving to California," he said.

Maria nodded. She'd gathered as much from Clint, she told him. Her existing knowledge seemed to relieve Steve a little.

"Do you know I've formed a new team?" he asked.

"I had suspected," she replied.

"Barton, Sam, the twins," he said.

"Oh, the twins?" she replied. "That's good."

"You think?" A less nervous smile started on his face, almost as if he was proud that she approved.

"You'll be a good mentor for them," she said. "That's what they need."

She didn't mention that she was slightly nervous when she took into account their powers and all their years in captivity with HYDRA.

"I'd like you to join us," he said.

Maria paused in picking up her wine glass and returned it to the table. To say she was surprise would have been quite the understatement.

"Me?"

"Of course," he smiled that affable half-grin of his that had always given her trouble, even before DC.

"Why?" She couldn't help the question. She just couldn't see why a west-coast version of the Avengers would need her.

"Well, we need ground support and we're kind of short on covert and stealth." He chuckled then. "I'm not particularly spy material."

"You have Barton," she said. "And Sharon is very good at her work."

Steve quickly lowered his eyes.

"What?" she asked. She wondered if Sharon had refused to leave DC or the CIA.

Steve cleared his throat, his nerves showing again.

"Sharon and I," he said, then paused for a moment and took a breath. "We didn't work out."

Maria couldn't have been more surprised. The first thought that passed through her mind was possibly the most ridiculous thought she'd ever had. 'What was wrong with Sharon Carter? Was she that stupid?' Maria quickly shoved that thought aside. She'd deal with her out-of-character fangirling later.

Though, what she did instead, wasn't much better. She reached across the table and took Steve's hand in hers. It had been nearly a year since they'd touched but her reaction was the same. She shoved that aside for later as well.

"I'm sorry, Steve," she said, and, despite her feelings, it was the truth.

"It was my fault," he said and shrugged, but he didn't remove his hand from hers. "I messed everything up. I just don't know," he paused and took a breath. "I thought I could have something." He stopped again before he finally looked up at her.

"I haven't been able to find Bucky, at all. There's not a trace of him. And then Peggy died. And now, some of the few friends I had, well, we're not exactly friends anymore. I just wanted something normal, something that could at least take my mind off everything that was wrong."

Maria gave him a sad smile.

"There's nothing wrong with that Steve," she said. "You deserve that. You deserve to be happy. You have given so much, everything in fact. I think you've earned the right to try. And just because it didn't work out doesn't mean it never will. Maybe Sharon just wasn't the right person for you."

Maria paused and swallowed down her increasing emotions. She needed a moment before she said what was really on her mind.

"I know that Peggy was that person," she said and tried not to react as he visibly flinched. "And I know it wasn't easy to lose her. In fact, you kind of lost her twice."

He gave her a questioning look.

"Once when you came back and it was seventy years too late, and then when she died," Maria explained.

The look on Steve's face told her it was the first time he'd viewed it that way, but he nodded in agreement.

"I can't promise you there's anyone like her, or that you'll find 'someone,' because those are promises I can't keep. But, maybe if you just try for normal," Maria stopped and shook her head.

"I'm sorry, that's useless; I don't know what I'm even talking about. What do I know about 'normal?'" she said and gave a sad laugh.

"Maybe 'normal' is too much to ask for, at least for people like us," he said.

Maria thought on that for a moment before responding.

"I guess, that's what I've always thought," Maria said. "But I don't want you to think like me. I don't want you to," she almost said 'be alone, like me,' but that would sound like she felt sorry for herself, which she didn't, except sometimes she thought it might be nice to have someone who made her feel the way Steve made her feel, like she was more than her job, like she was a regular person.

She sighed and continued.

"You aren't like me," she started but he interrupted.

"Don't you dare say I'm better than you," he said.

Maria looked at him in surprise, but that had been what she was inferring, so she didn't reply.

"It's easy to lead, much harder to follow," he told her.

She shook her head.

"I don't understand," she admitted.

"I make the decisions, the so-called difficult ones. It's not easy, but, honestly, it's always been what I've done," he told her. "But the people who follow me, well, that's a harder decision to make, and most of the time, a lot braver."

"What else would I have done?" Maria asked, knowing immediately he was speaking of the Triskelion.

"You could have done anything," he said. "You could have argued on Nick's side. You could have let us go it alone. You could have called the President. There were a number of options, Maria, and you chose the most difficult path."

His gaze intensified for a moment and Maria wondered what he was going to say that could be so important.

"And when I told you to fire on the helicarriers," he said, and she involuntarily squeezed his hand. "You could have said 'no.'"

Maria looked away. She would have pulled her hand from his, only he had it in a vise-like grip.

"We never talk about stuff like this, you and I, people like us," he continued. "We just let it go unsaid. We're both soldiers at heart and we know we have to do whatever it takes to win the battle while minimizing the cost. And I've had a lot of men and women follow me into that fray. But there's never been one as brave as you."

She turned back to him in surprise and shook her head slightly.

"Don't argue this with me, Maria," he said. "There will be no point you give, which I can't counterpoint. I've thought about this for a long time."

That really surprised her. She tried not to think about that day at all. There were still nights she woke in a cold sweat, his words, "Fire now," echoing in her ears.

"I should have told you," he said. "I'm sorry I didn't."

Maria had no response. What could she say? They gazed at each other for several more moments as she processed his words.

"Thank you," she finally said, quietly.