A/N: This is just a silly little story that I needed to get out of my system. it's not meant to be taken TOO seriously...

On another note, this is NOT an anti-Lunch, or anti-TxL. I actually love both the character AND the couple. This is all just satire.

And Ziyuu belongs to JoSav.

Today on The Maury Show…

Scandalous Sex Secrets! Paternity tests galore! Excitement and shock factor! All today!

The camera panned over the excited audience members as they cheered and waved wildly. They all jumped from their seats and gave an enthusiastic applaud as the host of the trashy talk show, an aged, gray-haired man, approached the stage. He welcomed his audience with a wave before taking a seat and crossing his legs.

"Welcome to the Maury show!" he happily announced, "Today we're going to share secrets and solve mysteries… The secrets, of course, being heart breaking and scandalous, and the mysteries are who the father is."

His arm reached out and motioned towards a young woman with vicious green eyes and a red bow tied in her blonde hair. Her arms were crossed, and her face brimmed with anger. "Our first guest is Launch… Launch is a very unusual woman. She has been diagnosed with Dissociative Identity Disorder. Launch, would you like to tell our viewers what that means?"

Launch huffed. "It means, boneheads, that I change personalities whenever I sneeze."

"When you SNEEZE?" Maury laughed, "That is indeed unusual!"

The audience gave a chuckle themselves. Frazzled, Launch jumped from her seat, whipped out an uzi, and fired blank range into the crowd. The members screamed and dove for cover. "Whattya laughin' at?!" Launch screamed as she shot, "Y'think YOU lot are all perfect little pansies yourselves?!"

"Launch, that's enough!" Maury yelled, as security rushed in to restrain the banshee and take away her gun. She screamed at them not to touch her, but after awhile, finally found her cool and settled down. "Now Launch, we're here to help you, remember?" Maury scolded, "So I would appreciate you NOT trying to kill my audience members."

Launch crossed her arms once more. "Fine. Sorry…"

Maury cleared his throat. "As I was saying," he continued, "You indeed are an unusual woman, with unusual circumstances. Not only do you have a split personality, but you also have a one year old daughter named Ziyuu."

One the monitors, the image of a infant appeared. She had big black eyes, and short but beautiful blue hair. The audience members went "awwww" at the sight. Even Launch couldn't help but smile at her pride and joy.

"What a beautiful child," Maury beamed, "But there's one problem… With Launch's personality disorder, she doesn't know who the father is!"

"Maury, I do too know who the father is!" Launch growled, threatening her fist, "You callin' me a skank whore or somethin'?!"

"No, of course not!" said Maury, "But you told our producers something else..." He addressed the monitors, "Everyone take a look."

The monitors switched to a picture of Launch… only Launch had blue hair instead of blonde, big blue eyes, and a sweet looking face, as opposed to the fierce face of her blonde counterpart.

"My name is Launch, and I'm here in hopes of finding the father of my beautiful little girl, Ziyuu. I have two personalities, and to be honest, I'm not sure who the father of my little girl is. Well, there was this ONE guy that I sort of date every now and then… It was only once… Oh, and at my trucking company's office party, somebody spiked the punch, and I somehow woke up without my panties… My other half, the meaner one, sounds more likely to sleep around with any guy. Maybe she knows who the father is."

"YOU SLUT!" Launch screamed, jumping from her seat and pulling out a pistol, shooting bullets at one of the monitors and sparking them out of commission, "YOU LITTLE BITCH! YOU'RE the one sleeping around with strangers! I am NOT that kinda girl, okay?!"

"Launch, that's ENOUGH!" Maury shouted as security confiscated her gun, "Now no more shooting!"

"Maury, that idiot is wrong! I don't sleep around!" Launch shouted, "SHE'S the one opening up for all the world to see! I've got better things to do with my time…"

"But YOU… THIS persona… YOU'VE slept with someone, right?"

"Only one man, Maury," said Launch, "I'd never run around town, 'cause I've been saving it all for him."

"And herein lies ANOTHER problem…" Maury spoke as the monitors (the remaining ones anyway) showed the image of a tall, VERY well-built man, bald, and with three-eyes, standing backstage. "Tien here DENIES being the father."

"FREAKIN' DEADBEAT!" Launch reached for her guns, but they were all taken away. She settled for slamming her fist into her palm over and over.

Tien closed his eyes and sighed heavily. "What nonsense…"

"Let's hear what Tien had to say," said Maury.

Tien glared at the camera, zooming in a little "too" close to him. "I am not the father of Launch's child," he said calmly, "It's true that I slept with her once. But the lady has TWO personalities, and the other one is certain there were other men. She even had an 'office party' incident. I hate to be prude, but the child doesn't even LOOK like me. Where's her third eye? Launch, you are a PSYCHOPATH. You are annoying! Please just leave me alone so I can train to get stronger!"

"BRING HIM OUT!" Launch screeched, jumping from her chair with such force it fell over, "Bring that deadbeat bastard out here!"

"Very well," said Maury, "Here's Tien, everybody!"

Tien came out from the backstage and made his way to the center, ignoring the booing and hissing from the audience members, as well as Launch's "STOP DENYING YOUR CHILD! SHE IS SO YOUR DAUGHTER!" He briefly shook Maury's hand and took a seat on the host's opposite side, as Launch picked her chair up and plopped back down.

"Tien, welcome to the show," Maury greeted.

The triclops gave a short nod. "Thank you for having me… despite I didn't really want to come on, and being here in front of a live studio audience and taping our personal matters for all of television to see is rather humiliating," he muttered.

"Anytime," Maury smiled, "Tien, why don't you think you're the father?"

"It's possible I might be," said Tien, "But it seems very unlikely."

"COWARD!" Launch shouted.

Ignoring her, Tien continued, "Launch's other personality said there were other men in her life. It seems very unlike her, but I barely see Launch to have fathered her child."

"How often DO you see her?" Maury questioned.

"One TOO often," Tien grumbled.

The audience booed, and Launch flipped Tien off. "You don't know what you're missin'!" she hissed.

Tien didn't seem to care.

"But Tien," said Maury, "If Launch is such a problem for you, WHY did you sleep with her?"

Tien sighed. "Well… My goals are to train hard and be as strong as Goku, if not stronger… But one night, I let my hormones get the best of me."

"You wished you could have more!" Launch hissed.

Tien twitched his nose. "It was only once, and I left immediately the next morning. Months later, she managed to hunt me down once more, pregnant, and insisted it was mine. I thought it may have, but when she sneezed, the other Launch said not likely, as she was further along than I expected. I tend to believe her."

"If she's so great, why did she SLEEP AROUND?!" Launch roared.

Tien crossed his arms in response.

"Tien, if this child proves to be yours, will you step up and be the father?" asked Maury.

Tien nodded. "Absolutely."

"You'd BETTER!" Launch screeched, "At this point, you are SO in the hole when it comes to child support! You know how much a baby costs?! You know how many banks I had to rob just to keep up?!"

"I thought you gave that lifestyle up!" said Tien.

Launch shrugged. "Some old habits die hard."

"If I am the father, you WILL give it up permanently or ELSE!"

"Or else WHAT?!"

"THAT'S ENOUGH!" shouted Maury, waving a manila envelope in the air, "We're going to find out RIGHT NOW!"

The audience cheered as Maury took his seat and opened the envelope. "In the case of one year old Ziyuu, Tien…."

"You ARE the father!" Launch shouted. Tien twitched his nose, waiting for the answer.

Maury read the results. "…. You are NOT the father!"

At this, Tien couldn't help but jump from his seat, with a loud "YES!" as he pumped his fist. Launch, distressed at the news, leaped up and raced to the backstage. Maury hurried after her, all while Tien continued cheering and high-fiving the crowd. As he approached the stage, he noticed on the monitors Launch crumpled on the couch, her face in her hands, crying uncontrollably. He then realized how completely foolish he was acting, cleared his throat, then calmly made his way to the backstage.

"Launch…" Maury spoke, patting the woman's back, "We will help you find out who the real father is, if you want us to. But it's not Tien. So you need to stop harassing him now…"

"I'll kill her…" Launch wept, "I'll kill that fucking whore…. I don't care if I end up killing myself, if I could take her down with me….!"

She lifted her head once she felt someone sit on her opposite side, placing a comforting hand on her shoulder. "Are you okay?" Tien asked.

Launch wiped her eyes with her arm, "I'm sorry…" she muttered.

"It's all right…" said Tien, allowing her to bury her face into his shirt and cry off. "I'll help you find the father, if you want."

"Thank you…."

Maury turned to the cameras. "We'll be back after this!"

COMING UP!: Bra looks everything like her mother! But not a thing like her father… And now Bulma has to reveal to her husband why! And also, Throwback Thursday! This isn't Bulma's first appearance on the Maury show! See what was bugging her first time around!

NOTE: Again, Ziyuu belongs to JoSav, and she IS Tien's daughter... only because Tien and Launch never DID have children, I only changed that little aspect for THIS story only. :P