I don't know what it is about sunsets in October. I guess it's just because orange is totally October's color. Whatever the reason, I had never seen a more delicious sunset than the one that evening at the Homecoming game. I stood on the fresh grass of the football field in my sparkly pink heels, feeling warm and shimmery as I looked out at the sinking sun in the orange sky. A breeze was lightly rustling the fabric of my dress, and I felt stuck in a surreal quiet.

Three years earlier, I never could have imagined myself experiencing that moment. If you had tried to tell me in the sixth grade that in my Freshman year I would be standing there, stoned, a member of the Homecoming court, dealing with all the shit that went down that day, and for the moment not caring about anything but that sunset, I would have laughed. It's funny how you spend so much of your childhood dreaming up the way you're going to be a teenager. You always imagine yourself to be someone completely different, someone better than the dumb kid you are. You think that someday you're going to wake up and suddenly be a teenager. You are magically transformed into that new person, like Cinderella.

Only it doesn't happen that way. You just keep living the same old life, mundane and un-fairytale-like as it is. Nothing magical ever happens. There are no sparkles or spells or sweet moments with music playing in the background. You just are what you are. All those changes, those wonderful changes you longed for, happen without you ever even realizing it. You do become a new person, but it never feels that way. The changes occur in such a way that the new person you are feels just like the same person you've always been.

It's not until one day, a day that can be horrible or wonderful or absolutely normal, that it dawns on you. It's when you get stuck in a moment like watching a sunset that you are able to just stop the world and take a good look at it. That's when you see the person you've become. You see yourself so clearly, and you finally understand that you're not the same person you used to be. You have all the memories of that old person, but try as you might you just can't seem to put yourself in those shoes again.

Today was horrible. And wonderful. And absolutely normal. Today was my day. That moment was my moment, the moment I finally saw myself.

"Miss Sanders, why are you in my office instead of your first period class?" asked a rather irritated Ms. Ungermeyer as she sat at her desk that morning. I had never liked Ms. Ungermeyer. She didn't eat out of the palm of my hand the way other teachers did, and that was something of an annoyance.

"I'm so sorry about this," I told her in my sweetest voice, standing in front of her desk and looking innocent. I knew she wasn't buying my sincerity, but I played it out anyway. "I honestly considered coming between classes, but I thought it over and decided that it would be wrong of me to keep this inside any longer."

Ms. Ungermeyer looked uninterested. "Oh, really?" She sighed. "I've got alot to do this morning, Sanders, so make it quick."

"Thank you so much for your patience, ma'am. It's about one of my fellow students."

Dramatically, I began to spill a sad and tangled story. None of it was nessecary, of course, but I was going for truly scandalous melodrama here. Ms. Ungermeyer listened with a mouth hanging open, torn between her desire to ignore me and her inability to pull her interest away from my story. By the time I had finished speaking, I had worked up plenty of tears and taken a seat in the tacky rainbow chair in front of her desk.

She sighed. "And you're absolutely sure of this?"

I nodded tragically. "Yes, ma'am. I don't see why she would make this up."

Ms. Ungermeyer leaned over and pressed a button on her intercom system. Moments later, the voice of the office secretary was heard through the speaker. "Yes?"

"Mrs. Hughen, find Penny Hawkens and Baxter Thompson and have them sent to my office immediately." She looked over at me. "You may return to class now, Miss Sanders."

I walked out of her office solemnly, but as soon as my back was turned, I was grinning. I walked through the halls and arrived in my journalism class. Heads turned and stared as I walked through the door. No doubt they had all heard the rumor about my "secret relationship." Claire's mouth was curled into a menacing smile as she eyed me. I felt the familiar sick frustration bubble up in me, but I was determined to act as though nothing was wrong. I was good at pretending, and I told myself this to boost my confidence.

I looked around the room, seemingly unaware of the eyes upon me, and shrugged nonchalantly. "Oh," I said to myself, though loud enough for everyone to hear. "So Penny's gone already." I walked to the back of the room, stopping briefly to explain my tardiness to our teacher, and started collecting my supplies the same way I did every day. Curiosity had been sparked in the room. I could practically see the way their wheels were turning; my peers were growing less interested in the scandalous things they had heard about me, and now more intrigued by why I was acting like nothing was different.

"Could you pass me that stack of pictures there, Kate," said Hope, a friend of Penny's, as she slid beside me at the back table.

"Sure," I said casually, reaching for her photos and handing them to her.

She had barely taken them in her hands when she moved the conversation to her real agenda. "So what were you doing? Why were you late?"

I hesitated, the way someone does when they have good gossip but know they shouldn't share it. Though everyone was busy with their own work and carrying on conversations of their own, I knew they were listening. "I had to go to Ungermeyer's office because of... you know, Penny."

"Penny? What about Penny?"

I sighed. "Oh, I really shouldn't tell. Things are bad enough for her as it is without having the whole school know about it."

Her eyes widened, her mouth watering at the prospect of such information. "Oh, come on, Kate. You can tell me, I won't tell anyone."

"I don't know..."

"For Christ's sake, I'm like one of her best friends. I deserve to know."

With false reluctance, I began to tell Hope the sad truth (or the embellished truth, if you will). By the time the bell rang to signal the end of the period, the entire yearbook staff was well informed of the scandalous actions of Penny Hawkens, and remarkably, none of them seemed interested in the "Kate Sanders" dirt any more. Not when there was even better "Penny Hawkens" dirt to spread around. I made myself scarce in the hallways in between classes. I didn't want to show my face until I was certain that people were sufficiently distracted by the news about Penny.

By lunch the whole school knew the story. It had been twisted and exaggerated and even translated into Spanish. Naturally, my table was quite popular. Everyone wanted to ask me about it, since I was the one who had heard it all "first-hand." I relished in the scrumptious spotlight of it all. I dished out the gruesome details, while of course acting as though it killed me to pass along such dreadful news. I was so in my element that I wasn't even fazed when someone slipped in a question about Claire and me.

I tossed back my head and chuckled. As far as anyone knew, such a comment was nothing to me, despite how much it ached inside. "Oh yeah, sure, I'm a lesbian and Claire is my lover," I said, waving it away dismissively. A few others laughed with me. "Whoever came up with that one has no imagination." I took a sip of my diet soda. "Oh, I almost forgot! Did I mention the neighborhood I drove Penny home to...?"

The rest of the day went by without any ripples. Hillridge began to bubble with the anticipation of the Homecoming game and dance. Several girls were carpooling with me to the hair salon after school, and then to the mall to pick up dresses. I was so excited about walking across the football field in my gorgeous pink dress. I would shine, people would "ooh," and the world would be back the way it was supposed to be.

Near the end of seventh period I was called to the office to pick up a package. I was perplexed as I walked up to the front desk, since I had no idea why anyone would be sending me something.

"Something to pick up for Kate Sanders?" I asked the secretary up front.

"Um... ah, here we go," the woman replied, picking up a vase of flowers and handing them to me.

I took the vase into my hands, feeling a mix of excitement and confusion. I mean, flowers are good. A girl can never say no to flowers. But who sent them? It had to be someone outside of the school, because I wouldn't be called out of class otherwise. I took the colorful card off the plastic stick and read it:

To our little Homecoming princess. We are so proud of you. Love, Mom and Dad.

For a moment I could only stare at it and think, "What the hell?" But slowly, I started to understand. This was my mother's way of saying that we should pretend like nothing happened last night. It was her way of "apologizing," even though she wasn't sorry. Putting Dad on the card was a nice touch; it gave it that whole "happy perfect family" thing my mother loved so much. Never in a happy perfect family would the mother get smashed and beat the hell out of her daughter. That part had to be edited out. Just send me flowers, call me princess, and we'll forget the whole thing ever happened.

The door from the back office opened and someone came out, sobbing. I looked up and was taken aback to see Penny Hawkens, bawling her eyes out. Her eyes were heavy and red. She looked nothing like the Penny Hawkens I had come to be familiar with. When she saw me her jaw dropped; her eyes grew saturated with tears and anger.

"Oh, my God, you little bitch," she croaked. "How could you do this to me?"

I gave her a look, feeling superior to her for the first time. It was an extraordinary feeling. "Why, what do you mean? I didn't do anything... except for tell the truth, that is."

"Fuck the truth! You have ruined my life! I'm being expelled! My boyfriend won't even speak to me... the whole god damn town is going to treat me like the Plague!"

I placed my hand on my hip and stared at her with a bored expression. "You know, that's such a bummer and all, but business is business. It's not anything personal. You know better than anyone how these things work..."

"Shut up!" She ran her hands through her deflated red locks as tears stained her light skin. She paced as she spoke, shaking and moaning. "Don't you get it? This goes way beyond some stupid high school scandal. You've ruined my life, damn it... you got me kicked out of school. I lost my scholarship! I CAN'T GO TO COLLEGE, KATE! You've screwed my entire future... you fucked up everything. And for what? A few god damn popularity points? Don't you have a single SHRED of humanity?" She gazed at me, incredulous, through watery eyes. She was crumbling right before me.

"No," I said, flipping my hair. "I don't." I turned and left her there, still sobbing. I didn't have time to hang around, after all. I had to get my hair done for the Homecoming game.

I was home by 5:30, my hair molded into a gorgeous French twist, my make-up done total pink, with a dress in a plastic bag slung over my shoulder. I was uneasy as I walked through the door. I was worried my mother would be there. I couldn't even fathom what she would say to me, but whatever it was, I knew it would be utterly "Mom." I was in no mood to handle anything even remotely "Mom."

But the house was empty. For once, I was glad to be alone. Everything had happened so fast this week. It was all a blur, and I was unable to really understand it all. All I knew was that I'd gotten through it somehow. I just stayed inside my head and watched as someone else ran the controls. I can always count on that someone to make sure Kate Sanders makes it out free of scars.

I had just enough time to change and eat before going back to football field. I had to be there early for the pre-game ceremony. It dawned on me that I would have to face Ethan when I got there, since regardless of our relationship status, he was still my escort. Well, I suppose considering all the other damage control I'd done that day, having to put up with my ex-boyfriend wasn't as bad as it could have been.

I went upstairs and slid into my princess-esque dress and shoes. I looked in the mirror and saw that I was just as unreasonably gorgeous as ever. Blonde, pink, perfect; I'm a Barbie doll. I went downstairs and started searching the kitchen for something to eat. It couldn't be anything messy or that required a great deal of effort to eat. I didn't want to risk messing up my make-up or dress.

Before I could pick anything, the doorbell rang. I walked to the door and opened it, and saw a very pitiful-looking Jordan Barnum standing in my doorway. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a plastic bag of pot, showing it to me. "Mind if I come in and drown my sorrows?" he said, his voice laced with the kind of shakiness of someone who has recently been crying. I slightly groaned inwardly at the thought of Jordan crying. It was sort of pathetic on his part. Still, knowing it was partially my fault, I nodded and led him upstairs.

We smoked together. I laid across my bed on my back in my shiny pink Homecoming dress, getting stoned with the quarterback. It was wonderful to let the toxins into my body, wiping away the uneasiness I had felt all day long. Things had gotten as bad as they could possibly get, but in that moment, I felt like everything was right again. Sure, rumors about Claire and me would still linger around, but people are always spreading some kind of crap about me. I was quite used to it. And after Homecoming, where everyone was sure to notice one of the Senior Court members missing, people would be so caught up in Penny Hawkens gossip, they could care less about little me.

Unfortunately, Jordan did not share in my contentment. He just sat there looking gloomy, bummed over Penny, and totally throwing off my good mood. I kept trying to crack jokes with him, but he would only sigh and stare into space. I suppose I never realized my actions would hurt anybody. I mean, I knew they would, but I didn't think it was going to work its way around to mess up my mood. Poor Jordan. He looked positively devastated. It was hard for me to understand why he was so upset about it, though, considering all he ever did we hung out was bitch about Penny. I suppose that's what people in love do, though. They feel awful when they've lost that love, even if it was a truly miserable experience.

People always ask cliché things like, "Why do fools fall in love?" I mean, isn't it kind of obvious? Love is foolish in itself. Fools are the only ones who do fall in love. Duh. Love is like high school. It's all a game, one big masquerade. It's all good and well to pretend, but once you start to really take it seriously, that's when you lose yourself. Once you start to actually care, you're just setting yourself up for disappointment.

Love is a whore of word. People will use it for anything. They will mask their insecurities and foolish mistakes with the excuse that "love made me do it." I've heard it everywhere, used and abused and misunderstood. Claire loved me. Jordan loved Penny. Gordo loved Lizzie. Ethan fell in love with Miranda. My mother pretends to love me. All of them are fools, because they think emotion should govern action. Love isn't real. Love is just an umbrella term for all the fucked-up things people do.

Jordan sighed heavily, coming out of his mournful state of contemplation. "Kate," he said. "I'm freaking hungry. You got any food?"

"I always have food, Jordan. You know the way to the kitchen."

He held out his hand to me. "Come with me."

I placed my hand in Jordan's and walked downstairs to our kitchen, where my guest helped himself to a bowl of Lucky Charms. I pulled up a seat across the kitchen table and watched him with mild fascination in my stoned state. The room was quiet, other than the mundane noises of the refrigerator humming, Jordan chewing, and spoon clanking against bowl.

"You know what, man?" Jordan said in between spoonfuls. "I really don't feel like going to the game tonight."

"Oh, snap!" I said, as it all came back to me. "I forgot all about it. We should really get going, huh?"

Jordan laughed. "Yeah, I was supposed to be at the field house like half an hour ago. But who cares? For all anyone knows I'm standing around in a tux somewhere with Penny for that lame Homecoming thing." He laughed harder and continued shoveling Lucky Charms into his mouth.

I smiled at him. Through some twisted stoner logic, I almost began to believe that Lucky Charms brought good fortune.

"You know, you don't really have to go the field house at all. You could just escort me."

Jordan raised his eyebrows in interest and chewed as he thought. "Oh, yeah... I heard about you an Ethan. Sorry about that, man...."

"Don't be. I'm not sorry. A clean break is just what people need sometimes."

"Yeah. I wish Penny and I had a clean break. Did you know I never cheated on her? I could have, too. And it's not like I didn't want to cheat on her… six months is a long time to be with someone. But I still never did it. I've known her since we were eight. I've known all the stuff about her that no one else has any idea about. I could have hurt her, but I never did."

He was rambling again, and it was bothering me. However, I needed him for the moment, so I tried to be patient. "That was really sweet of you, Jordan."

"I know. But you know what's really funny? I looked out for Penny because she was my best friend. Because I loved her. I knew her and I loved her, and nobody else did. And the here's the funny part: you know what I learned about Penny today?"

"What?"

"That I never really knew her at all." He picked up his empty cereal bowl and tossed it into the sink. "Kate, can I kiss you?"

"Yeah, sure."

He placed his hand under my chin and moved his lips onto mine. It was done so smoothly and expertly. He acted like he'd been kissing me every day of his life. His lips and tongue felt new and refreshing; this was not Claire or Ethan, this was unexplored territory. He smelled like pot and football and expensive cologne. He tasted like Juicy Fruit and Lucky Charms.

He broke away casually. "Come on, let's get out of here. We'll have to stop at my place and get my tux."

The sun was just setting when I arrived at the football stadium. The band was warming up, the cheerleaders were stretching, and various members of the Homecoming Court were milling around on the field, touching up hair and make-up and no doubt feasting upon the Penny Hawkens gossip.

"I'm gonna go tell coach where I am," Jordan told me. "Just in case." He touched my shoulder lightly and started walking across the grass towards the field house.

Today had been so surreal, so endless. I felt like I hadn't stopped going from the time Penny called my house the night before to the moment I arrived at the stadium. But now everything was right again. I was going to walk across that field with the Homecoming court in my pretty pink dress. I didn't have to put up with Claire any more. Nobody cared about the stupid rumors. I got to make-out with Jordan Barnum. All was as it should be.

I know what people say about people like me. They put up with our crap because there's nothing they can do about it. The only thought that keeps them going is that sooner or later people like me will get what's coming to them. They assume that surely all the misfortune we've brought upon others will come back to haunt us some day. People look at me and think, "Some day Kate Sanders will get what she deserves."

Well, here I am. I'll bet Claire thought today I was going to get what I deserved. I'll bet that would have made alot of people happy. I guess it's just too bad for them that today wasn't that day. If anything, I was a few steps ahead of where I was yesterday. There is no "getting what you deserve." You get what life gives you, and those of us who are smart are able to simply take whatever life left out. There is no mystic force that ensures that good things happen to good people, and bad things happen to bad people. That's the sort of make-believe in the same league as love and friendship.

I came out on top, like always. I was Kate Sanders, and like always, things turned out peachy fucking keen. The sun was setting on another beautiful day in my life.

That is when I understood it all. I stepped outside of myself and saw the person I'd become. When you're living your life you just can't see it. It was like McGuire said, you were just going through all the motions, not really understanding it. Like someone else was running the controls. I watched myself, watching the sunset, and for a brief instant I was able to grasp the emptiness of it all.

I saw me. I saw who I was, and I knew there was nothing I could to change it. I could only go with it, and know that someday I would become someone else yet again.

Jordan came back to me. "Okay, they want all of the Homecoming court people to get together now," he said to me. I wondered how I could possibly hear him, when it was obvious that I was very far away. "They're going to take some pictures and stuff."

He offered his arm to me, and I took it. "Okay," I said, painting on a smile. "Let's go."

The football team won the Homecoming game, leaving Jordan in a much better mood than he had been a few hours ago. The two of us went to the dance together, amidst curious eyes and jealous glares. I saw Miranda and Ethan dancing together, and it was almost pleasant. What had been such a big deal to me that morning now was only a glimmer out of the corner of my eye. Who cared what Ethan did? I was me, and I didn't need him to keep things perfect.

I left Jordan around midnight to freshen up my lip gloss. My feet were killing me as I walked towards the ladies' room in my heels. I was honestly exhausted from everything that had happened, but I didn't dare suggest leaving. No one cool would go home this early. There would also be parties, of course, after the dance. A girl's work is never done.

As I walked into the bathroom, a stall door opened. Lizzie McGuire walked out. I paused, and she paused, and the two of just stared blankly at another while we wondered what we were supposed to say.

"Hey," she said.

I glanced at the stalls, making sure there was no one in them before I actually talked to her. "Hey."

She crossed to the sink and set down her dress-matching baby blue purse as she washed her hands. "You did a good job tonight."

"Thanks," I said dully. It's not like it was hard to walk across a field and smile. I went to the mirror, trying hard not to look at her. I pulled out my lip gloss and began smoothing it over my lips.

"So... that junior guy you were dancing with... Is he your date?"

"So to speak."

"Oh." She dried her hands and fidgeted where she stood. "Isn't that the guy... wasn't that Penny Hawken's boyfriend?"

"Yes, McGuire." I rubbed my lips together, snapped the lid back on, and turned to Lizzie. "Ethan dumped me and I came to the Homecoming dance with Penny Hawken's ex-boyfriend, whom I will probably be dating in the weeks to come. Any other questions?"

She looked away. "No. I was just curious." She turned to leave.

"Wait."

No, don't leave me, I thought. I need you here.

Lizzie turned back around and gave me a strange look. "What is it?"

For the first time in many months, I finally felt like myself around her. I wasn't nervous or confused or upset with myself for feeling the way I did.

I wanted it to be enough to just say, "Stay." But I knew it wasn't. It wasn't like that between us. It never would be.

"I just wanted to say... That's a nice dress. I mean, for a bargain buy."

Lizzie sighed and rolled her eyes. "Um, yeah, thanks. Yours is nice, too." She folded her arms and stood there impatiently, as if assuming there surely must be more to it.

"Yeah. Thanks." I leaned against the porcelain sink, too tired to stand on my own any more. Then, for some reason, I kicked off my shoes as well, letting my aching feet breathe. "I'm not sorry, you know? About any of it. There are times I've wanted to do things over... but tonight I realized that's stupid. The things I do are part of who I am."

All of that came out of nowhere. As if, for some illogical reason, it seemed perfectly natural that I should spill my guts to Lizzie McGuire in the girls bathroom during Homecoming dance.

"You mean about leaving Gordo and Miranda in me in middle school?"

I laughed, rubbing my feet together. The fabric of my panty hose scratched against itself, and it felt soft on my skin. "That's not what I meant, actually. I mean, the same goes for that, but I was actually talking about what I did to Penny. Ruining her reputation and all."

Lizzie raised her eyebrow, jaw dropping slightly. "You did that? I thought you and Penny were friends. That doesn't sound like something you'd do..."

I smiled. "Bull shit. That sounds exactly like something I would do."

"I know." She did not smile. "But, I mean, not to one of your friends."

I sunk to the floor slowly, and leaned against the tile walls of the bathroom. "You were my friend, and I've done plenty of mean things to you."

She snorted. "Yeah, well, that's for sure. But you said it yourself; you and me could never be friends again. It's people like Penny Hawkens that you're friends with now."

"No, it's not like that. I don't really have any friends. Every one is just a name and a face. They're just... statistics... in a calculated paradise." I laughed at myself. "Calculated paradise. That's good. I'm pretty fucking poetic."

Lizzie squat down beside me and gave me a sincere look. "That sounds pretty lonely to me."

I looked into her wide blue eyes. So full of concern for me, even though she knew what a cruel person I could be. "But it's not. I mean, really. It gets pretty messed up sometimes, but it's all part of who I am. I don't need you to feel sorry for me, McGuire. I really don't. I've got it all figured out. In fact, if it wasn't for you, my life would be perfect."

"Me? What did I do? You're the one that's always ruining my life."

And what I should have done then was walked away. I should have left right then, and returned to Jordan. I could have easily forgotten about an encounter with someone as insignificant as Lizzie McGuire. I could have gone to bed that night knowing I had fixed every blemish in my perfect life. That would be the easy thing to do.

But, hey, I was Kate Sanders. Easy was so last year. I now knew that it was okay to have moments that were less than beautiful. I need those moments to make it through. So for a minute there, I didn't care that my life was still just inches away from spinning out of control, or that my mother was still a lunatic, or that Claire was probably plotting another revenge scheme. I didn't care that everything was empty, and that nothing really made any sense. I didn't care that after this moment was over, everything would go back to the way it was.

Because for a minute there, I wasn't Kate Sanders. And she wasn't Lizzie McGuire. I was just me, kissing a girl that was just her.