Part One

Xander sat next to Buffy on the bench in her backyard, wondering when their friendship had become so strained, and thinking that it was probably his fault. He'd blown up at her, the day before, when he'd found out she'd been sleeping with Spike. But it wasn't like he'd been one for making great decisions recently either. She'd died and then been resurrected again; torn from heaven. What was his excuse?

He shook his head and looked across at her. She gifted him a smile, and he realized for the first time that he didn't deserve her. No matter what happened, she'd always forgive people - everyone anything - while he'd just sit there and judge them.

"Willow and Tara got back together," she said.

"That's great," he replied, trying to return her smile. "Is it bad that I'm jealous?"

"Uh… Jealous? Because Tara's with Will?" her eyes widened. "Tell me that's not why you-"

"Whoa, hold on there," he held up his hands, "Jealous of them being able to fix their relationship," he clarified.

"Oh. Oh, right. Sorry, of course."

He nudged her shoulder and she smiled again, a little guiltily now. She thought about his question, now she understood what he meant.

"Not bad, exactly," she said. "Just… understandable, maybe?"

Xander gave a little nod of his head, and then Buffy added, "Maybe I'm kinda jealous, too."

He looked up at her, seeing that she looked nervous at what he might say, so he tried to filter his thoughts before letting them out.

"What you and Spike had… you want that back?"

There was a firm, "No," to which he looked even more confused.

"What we had wasn't right. Wasn't good. But, parts of it… I don't know. It's complicated. I… Don't hate me for saying this, but I want him, minus the bad complicated parts."

"Buffy-"

She held up a hand. "Yeah, I know what you're going to say. Things with Spike could never work."

"I was actually gonna say that I saw you two, at the wedding," their was a brief wince from him, as he thought about the disaster that was supposed to be his wedding day. He ignored the sorrow that had filled his gut and continued, "You were chatting, and you had this look on your face – like you were glowing – and I actually thought to myself, damn, if I didn't know any better I'd say those two should be together."

Buffy was looking at him in shock. It took her a moment to speak.

"I don't want you to blame him," she said, while avoiding his gaze. "The bad parts, that was me."

Xander was about to disagree, but she looked up at him again, and gave him a look that told him not to.

"Trust me, I was there. Before it happened we'd kinda got to this place that… well, it was awkward as hell, actually, because we'd keep having these sweet moments, where he'd just say something that just warms you, y'know? Or give me this look. Like the look at the wedding, right?"

"Right," said Xander. He wasn't sure where she was going, exactly, or that he'd like the destination, but he forced himself to listen.

"Anyway, so I was leaning on him – emotionally – and he was actually really great, and there were kisses. There were some nice kisses-"

"Rambling," said Xander. He could force himself to listen, but only for so long.

"Sorry. The point is that I was the one that brought all that to a bad place. I'm not saying Spike's innocent, but I think that- that if…"

Xander had looked away, but when he heard Buffy get a catch in her throat and start stumbling over her words he caught her eye again, only to find that there were tears in it.

She waved a hand in front of her face.

"God, I'm sorry, I just, ugh! I'm so sorry."

He was dumbstruck. Since he'd heard the news about Spike and Buffy sleeping together he'd kind of processed it, but he never thought it was more than that. To hear that she actually cared about him changed everything, and he suddenly felt like he'd have to examine it all again.

"Buffy, do you think that - I can't believe I'm saying this – but do you think that if you hadn't of been in a bad place… if you hadn't of dragged Spike there, too. Would you two have worked out? I mean, I don't get it, like, at all, but I trust your judgment. Would he have deserved you?"

She sat and thought about it, knowing that the answer would likely have implications for her and Spike in the future.

"I'm not sure deserve is the right word," she said, finally, "But I think it could have been good." She gave a nod of her head. "Yeah, it would have been good. That's why you can't blame him."

Xander gulped then said, "Then that's why you need to go after him."

Across Town:

Dawn walked into Spike's crypt without knocking. He didn't look at her. Was sat pointing the TV, but she didn't think he was really looking at it either.

She cleared her throat.

"I'm mad at you," she began.

"Mad at myself," he replied, still not looking up.

She went over and switched off the TV, and then he stood up and kind of walked around as if he was unsure where he was. Dawn wondered how long he'd been sat like that before she came.

"So, you know what you did was wrong?" she pressed.

He didn't answer.

"Spike!"

His eyes met hers, finally. They were red with old tears. "Yeah, what?"

"Are you sorry?" she asked, in a softer tone, though she thought the question was now a little redundant.

"Does it matter?" he asked in return.

"I think it would, to Buffy."

He made a face – like the sound of her name cut at him – and then walked over to his fridge to pull out a soda for Dawn and a beer for himself. He handed it to her, but she set it down immediately.

"Spike, I think you should apologize. That if you did maybe-"

He shook his head. "She doesn't want my words," he sounded choked. "Doesn't want me."

"Yeah, well, you should do it anyway."

There was a short bark of laughter, then he sat down again. "Yeah, maybe I should."

Dawn sat down across from him. She'd expected to yell at him and get him to go see her sister, but he just looked defeated. Maybe it was going to be harder than she thought.

"What?" Buffy stood up. "Xander, surely you don't mean that."

He stood up, too, and looked her in the eye. "I'm serious right now. With things with Anya I think I finally learnt something – you can't undo the past, but you can try and make it right. You should try and make it right. If… if you love the person."

She sat down again, and kind of twisted her fingers around each other.

"Buffy?"

She didn't reply. Didn't look at him. He put a hand on her shoulder, and she flinched at the touch.

"Buffy, do you love Spike?"