The Definition of Identity

Author: Mystic Dodo

Published: January 2015

A/N: Watching through the Japanese YGO for the first time (having watched the dub years ago) and just loving the puzzleshipping feels. It still hasn't stopped some sort of irritation at how shallow some character interactions seem, so this is my attempt at there being a revealing talk between a certain two characters. Because communication is important! Although there are feelings of 'oh gosh why am I writing this?! OTP is OTP! I shouldn't be writing against it' going on as well.

Warnings: Spoilers for Battle City and the Anzu-Yami date. Takes place between episode 62-63 of Battle City. OOC. Character study!

Yuugi was mighty proud of himself. After the bombshell dropped by this Marik person he was able to participate in Battle City for a few more hours before he had to excuse himself from his friends and grandpa. He had felt numb and was on automatic, allowing the Spirit to take over when he wanted, yet the more the Spirit did, the more Yuugi began to feel.

When it became too much he locked himself in a public toilet and rested heavily against the door and the shakes that he had so desperately been holding back dominated his body. His heart was pounding. He couldn't think.

"Aibou?"

He couldn't stop the anger that flooded his body at the word. Partner? Partner? If they were partners why didn't Mou Hitori No Boku let him know about potential clues about his past? Why did he have to find out from the enemy, no less? Yuugi knew that the Spirit of the Puzzle was well aware of the fact that Yuugi wanted them to be together. Yuugi had been under the same impression. And now… all of a sudden…

"Aibou…"

Yuugi placed down the lid of the toilet and sat down. His hands were clenched around the puzzle. Closing his eyes and ignoring the tear that made its way down his cheek, he focused and appeared next to the taller spirit in the corridor outside of their soul rooms. "Mou Hitori No Boku," Yuugi greeted in a flat voice. He opened his eyes and was almost satisfied to see the look of guilt on the man's face. "Were you going to tell me?"

"At some point," the spirit said in a soft voice.

Yuugi glared at the point above the spirit's shoulder. "You seemed more passionate after talking with Anzu; I thought maybe she had helped in some way but yet you never said anything to me." He snorted. "I thought maybe, just maybe, she had eased your mind about being who you are now, not who you were. But it turns out that isn't the case. Why did I have to find out from Marik of all people? Why not you?"

"Aibou…"

"No, don't aibou me. You…. We've been together for so long. Yet you can't tell me such important information about you?"

Crimson eyes darkened and the spirit looked away from Yuugi's burning gaze. "It's… confusing for me."

Yuugi's body was shaking so hard he felt like his knees were going to collapse. "It's confusing for me too! Since completing the puzzle I knew you were there. I tried to talk; tried to communicate and there was nothing. You couldn't hear me. Yeah, I was scared. I was scared to find out more about you. All I knew was that you protected me; you were strong and confident and able to take on the world and gods, I so badly wanted to be you."

"Ai-"

"Don't. I feel angry and betrayed and confused. You say to me, you say that you want to be with me forever even if you don't get your memories back… and then spend weeks brooding because you don't have your memories. I try and help. I try and support you. Then, when you do find something out you don't tell me! Does Anzu know?"

The spirit's silence said it all.

Yuugi laughed bitterly. "Damn it. She knows you better than I do. She knows Mou Hitori No Boku more than me. I mean, it doesn't matter does it? We only share a body! You only interact through me." As soon as he said the words Yuugi swore and clenched his fists at the side. "Fuck."

"That was a low blow," The spirit said in his low voice.

"I'm sorry. I'm… hurt."

"I'm sorry too. Aibou, I don't want to keep things from you. The first thing I wanted to do was say 'hey, guess what, I seem to be the ghost of an ancient pharaoh' but… I was scared. I'm still scared."

"Why?"

"I'm the other you."

"But you're not," Yuugi argued, his voice getting thick. "You don't have any other identity so you cling to the idea of being Yami no Yuugi. But I can feel that you're in pain, confused. I want to help you find who you are!"

The spirit smiled wanly at that. "Aibou, you're more confused than I am."

"What does that have to do with -?"

"You're a wonderful person. You're kind, caring, selfless, determined, pure. You're accepting, hardworking, passionate. But Yuugi," – he flinched at the use of his birth name – "you're confused. You have no idea what you're doing so you focus on me in hope that you will find yourself in the meantime."

"I don't understand," Yuugi whispered, tears making their way down his face.

"You shared your memories with me. Gods, Aibou. I cried when you did. All of your loneliness, pain, suppressed rage… all your crushed dreams, insecurities, your mistakes. Your uncertainty. Your fear. You're terrified, Aibou. And… and you would rather ignore all of that and focus on me. You can't do that."

"I'm not afraid!"

"Please, aibou. I may have hid something from you but it isn't as bad as lying to myself."

"Don't turn this around on me, Spirit! You should have said something. I want to help. I want to help you!"

"Aibou, we're going around in circles," the spirit sighed. He stood up straight and looked at Yuugi with his dark gaze. "I'm going to be blunt. I know you're confused about how you feel towards me."

Yuugi's face flushed a brilliant red.

"You're confused about your crush towards Anzu. You're confused about the entire situation. How could you potentially love someone who lives in an inanimate object? Aibou, you have so much on your mind. Being a teenager is hard work without the added stress of me being there. Believe it or not I was trying to lessen your stress."

Yuugi's face that had been so red before paled to an alarming shade of white; he looked like he was about to pass out. His breaths were in short pants. "And… because I shared my memories with you… you know everything." Red eyes blinked. "You said you wanted to be with me forever until you saw, well, me. Then you found out that I… that I have feelings towards you and now you just want to get away."

"Aibou –"

"You didn't want to say because it would break my heart. So you thought you would lie and hide it and then what? One day you get the God Cards and say, 'by the way, Yuugi, I know who I am now and I don't need you." Yuugi was yelling now. "Marik said I'm a vessel. Is that all you think of me as, as well? You use my body for your own good because you need to get away from some hormonal teenagers' confused sexuality and twisted sort of fucked up love towards a dead person. You hate me. You hate me!"

"No-"

"That's why you suddenly want to get your memories back. You know you will leave when you do. As if everything that we've been through means nothing to you, all because I sometimes think I love you?!" Yuugi turned around and punched the wall. Even in spirit form his hand cracked and Yuugi yelled out in pain, blood running from the split skin of his knuckles. "I trusted you!" Yuugi spat out. "I trusted you. Well, don't worry Pharaoh, I'll get you your precious God cards then you can go back to wherever the hell you came from. You'll be free from me and my perversions."

He was breaking. He was falling apart. His heart was so loud and fast and hard he thought it was going to explode. His chest was heavy, tight, he couldn't think or breath and his face was going numb, his hands hurt, he hurt all over. Yuugi couldn't even look at the silent Spirit as he clutched at the sharp puzzle around his neck, preparing to return to his body.

And home. But no; the spirit would take control. Make him battle.

He was shocked when something physical slammed into him, knocking him to the ground. Touch was possible in the soul room but they had barely done more than shake hands or help each other up. And now he was being pinned to the floor by a body much stronger and taller than his own.

Yuugi shrieked, throwing his weight from side to side to dislodge the spirit but he was tired and weak and he couldn't stop crying. After a few feeble moments Yuugi went limp, his arms above his head being held by his other half. His eyes were closed. He could feel the flush across his face. Feel the spirit breathing on top of him. And he was scared and defeated and hurt and didn't care but cared so much and gods, it hurt. All he could do whilst pinned to the floor was sob.

It took him a handful of moments to notice that the spirit was shaking and gasping, almost like he was crying as well.

The fight left Yuugi and he hated himself as he whispered "I need to think" before regaining control of his body. He blocked off the Spirit's concerned voice, tried to ignore how heavy the chain felt around his neck. In a daze, Yuugi made his way home and stayed in his room for the rest of the day. He knew that their friends were worried. After all, he had disappeared with barelya word and nigh on refused to communicate despite the worried phone calls and through the door conversations that people tried to hold with him.

It took hours, way after everyone was in bed, before Yuugi felt able to talk - heck, even think - without breaking down again. Even then he only wanted to speak with one person.

"Mou Hitori No Boku?" He whispered, lightly caressing the puzzle. He was lying on his side in bed, duvet huddled up to his shoulders. He felt cold. "Please. I need to talk to you."

The spirit looked up at him solemnly when Yuugi entered the puzzle. He looked miserable. His back was against Yuugi's soul room, knees drawn to his chest, hair unkempt. He didn't move when Yuugi slowly sat down beside him, mimicking his position. It was silent for around half a dozen heartbeats.

"I'm sorry for my behaviours," Yuugi said in a soft, clear voice.

"Aibou," the spirit croaked. "Don't."

"Mou Hitori No Boku, I left when you were crying. I didn't give you the chance to explain. I was unfair," Yuugi continued. He was reciting the lines he had spent hours trying to perfect, to make the situation right again. He blinked away tears and his arms tightened around his knees. "I shouldn't be so selfish, to want to keep you here with me. Having a sense of identity is important and I shouldn't have gotten so angry at you for wanting to find out about your history. I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry." The spirit stayed silent, eyes still gazing out of focus ahead of them. After a few minutes, Yuugi couldn't take it anymore. "Please don't hate me," he whimpered.

"Oh, Aibou," the spirit sighed, unwrapping himself and pulling a shocked Yuugi to his chest. "I could never hate you. Ever. You…." his voice caught in his throat. "You are the most important person to me. I'm sorry for giving you the impression that you aren't. I'm sorry. I… I'm not good at expressing affection."

Yuugi's hand fisted a bunch of the spirit's clothing. "And I'm not good at dealing with anger," he said softly. "I do run from my negative emotions; let you take over. You're the yami. The Darkness to my light. I'm running away from my responsibilities and leaving you to deal with them."

"Aibou-"

"I'm scared to death," Yuugi whispered ferociously, hand tightening on the clothing, cutting him off. "I'm absolutely terrified. I'm scared of life, responsibility, being alone, being friendless, being me. Feeling the anger and hurt and…." He shuddered and the spirit's hold tightened around him. "It doesn't excuse my overreaction. I should be excited for you."

"I'm scared too, Aibou," the spirit replied quietly. "We're very similar in that respect." He swallowed thickly. "For so long all I knew was darkness. I was alone and frightened and had nothing. I was so scared when the puzzle was completed and I was…. I guess, alive again. You saved me and I had to keep you safe from harm. I had to. What if they took you away from me? I was so frightened and so I lashed out. I punished those who dared hurt you. You were - are – the reason why I'm here." Yuugi wanted to talk but he kept silent. "I was beyond terrified when Keith stole the puzzle; broke the link with you. I was alone; meaningless; nothing. I was nothing. Without you, I have no reason to, well, be."

The spirit was shaking. "I was screaming and crying at the darkness. Hysterical. I was… I was a wreck. And you were battling and you were so strong, so capable without me. Then the fire… and you nearly died. You refused to let me go. You risked your life. You…"

"I couldn't leave you behind." Yuugi said softly. "I'd rather have died in that fire than leave you all alone."

"I wasn't lying when I said I wanted to be with you," the spirit said. "And you shared your memories with me and what I said was still true; still is true. I do want to spend the rest of my life with you. But with everything that happened, everything that you revealed, I had to think realistically. As much as possible anyway. What could I offer you? What about when you no longer needed me?" he chuckled dryly. "I had a midlife crisis despite not knowing anything about myself. And I realised, perhaps we are too dependent on each other."

Yuugi pulled away at that, lifting his head to look deep into crimson eyes. "What are you saying?"

"I'd kill for you and you would die for me," the spirit said flatly. "Does that sound healthy to you, aibou?"

"It…. I…."

The spirit shifted and returned to hugging his knees again. "It scares me. Gosh, I want to protect you with everything that I am. But you will age, you will grow and mature and you need to live a life. Me? I'm essentially a ghost; never aging, never resting, never truly being alive. And ghosts, we have unfinished business," he chuckled dryly again though it sounded more like a sob. "What is mine? Why am I here? It isn't healthy for you… or me."

"Mou Hitori No Boku, do you truly believe that?"

"I love you, aibou. I have done so much thinking, so much soul searching, and yes, I love you. You saved me. Please forgive my next words but do I only love you because you saved me? I can hardily interact with anybody else. You are my world, my life, my centre. Do I love you only for those reasons?"

Yuugi sounded like he was going to start sobbing again, shrinking into his own arms.

"You think you love me. If I were a real person, it would be so understandable. But yet, I'm dead. I'm a dead guy in a puzzle who pretty much only exists because of you. We wouldn't be able to be together. Nobody would understand. You'd be even more isolated and alone and targeted for your… well, people would see it as unhealthy obsession with what is essentially a figment of your imagination and-"

"Stop." Yuugi choked out. "Stop it. Don't degrade yourself like that. I know it's w-wrong to hold you in such high regard but please, don't speak of yourself like you aren't real. You are."

The spirit struggled to speak. "I will be once I have my own memories. I love being with you; I love how you trust me. I love being Yami no Yuugi. But I… I was once something more. It's… unfair for us both to be held back due to fears. If I find out who I am then we can move on. I can be… I can be real. A person separated and distinguished from you."

"But you're that person to me already," Yuugi whispered. "I don't care what other people think. I love you. I may just be sixteen and crazed with stupid hormones but I know I love you."

"Yet you love Anzu as well."

Silence fell between the two. They sat closely, side by side, lost in their own thoughts and in the revelations that had been brought to the surface. Yuugi took the occasional, shaky deep breath to try and control himself from crying. He loathed his reactions, how he was being contradictory; wanting to keep the spirit from finding his true self but saying that they were different. The Spirit was right; who was he outside of being the scarier behaving Yuugi? If he were in that situation... he would want to know anything that he could about himself. The time would come when Yuugi would probably no longer need the puzzle's spirit to fight his battles for him; he would grow up, he would mature, he would become less fearful. He would have a life, an identity, a purpose, without the spirit... but the Other Yuugi wouldn't.

As it currently stood, the Spirit only existed because of Yuugi and it must be terrifying to know that, one day, he would once again become nothing, become isolated within the darkness of the puzzle, become forgotten about again. Yuugi's heart hurt; he was such an important person in Yuugi's life. Surely he must have meant a lot to others when he was alive, too? Surely he would have had people he loved and cared for. People who mattered before Yuugi. People he may have even loved...

It was wrong to keep the Spirit to himself. To keep him isolated so that only the two of them could interact. If Yuugi did love him like he thought then he should allow the Spirit to find out who he was. To find out his identity. To become more than 'The Other Yuugi'. That way, they could discover if they loved one another for reasons more than just ease.

"Mou… Yami." The spirit looked at Yuugi, who shrugged awkwardly. "It gives you your own name, rather than being the other me, right?" Yuugi explained softly. His eyes were bright and lips trembling. After a moment Yuugi sighed deeply. "I… can see where you're coming from. I can see that you have given this a lot of thought. And… and I want to help you. I do. Even if it does mean we need to part eventually."

"Aibou… I'm sorry. I'm sorry."

Yuugi smiled gently, reaching and placing a soft hand on M – Yami's arm. "You're right. You have always been the more rational, logical one. I shouldn't be so selfish." He looked like he was going to cry again but the smile stayed on his face. "I'd be honoured to help you find out more about who you are."

"You gave me life. You give me reason. You gave me your memories," Yami whispered. "I'm grateful and thankful beyond words. Please don't think me wanting to find out about my own past is my way of saying that I regret it. I don't, but-"

"Shh," Yuugi softly placed a trembling finger to Yami's lips. "You don't have to explain. I get it. I understand now." He slowly lifted his finger away and hesitated a few moments before resting his head against Yami's arm with a sigh. "Tomorrow, we'll return to Battle City and find those God Cards. I promise."