Chapter 13

Briarlight padded into the throne room of Blossomstar's palace, dragging a huge, bulging brown sack behind her. Heaving for breath, she stopped in front of her sister.

"Your...fanmail...is here," Briarlight huffed, releasing the sack.

Blossomstar rubbed her paws together. "Oh, goody! I can't wait to read all of the wonderful things cats are saying about me!"

Her personal assistant nodded, regaining her breath from pulling the sack in from the mail room. "This week's mail bag is larger than last weeks by twelve pounds. You must have gained some new fans since the A-cat-emy Awards."

The tortoiseshell queen smiled. "Then I must take the time to read every single piece of mail sent to me. My fans have to know I care about them!"

"Are you going to write back?" Briarlight asked. "Fans love it when they hear from their favorite celebrity. It would be especially great since you're not only the most famous cat in the world, but also the queen of everything. Your subjects would love knowing you take the time to respond to your fanmail."

"I'll see if I have time," Blossomstar meowed. "I have an appointment for a manicure at four o'clock, reservations for dinner at Thistleclaw's Pizza Shack of Evil at five, a press conference with Cinderheart at six, a crown-fitting at seven, and there's a CSI: ShadowClan marathon on starting at eight. I won't have time to write back to everyone who wrote me fanmail."

"So just write back to a few," the assistant mewed.

The queen hopped off of her throne and picked up an envelope, opening it up. "Dear Blossomstar, I think you're really cool. It was really awesome seeing how you took over the Clans in just one day. I wish I was as great at taking over as you are. Totally inspired, Scourge."

Briarlight put her reading glasses on and opened another letter. "Dear Blossomstar, you are the bestest queen EVER! Yours truly, Fernkit."

The assistant nodded appreciatively. "Your subjects love you, sis. I'm a little concerned that Scourge finds you so inspiring, but at least your mail is positive."

Blossomstar opened another letter. "BLOSSOMSTAR, I LOVE YOU WITH ALL MY HEART. MARRY ME! Love, Spiderleg."

She narrowed her eyes. "Ugh. He's so old! I don't want to marry him!"

Briarlight handed her sister a pad of pink paper and a hot pink pen. "Write him back, then. Let him down easy, though."

The queen nodded. "Dear Spiderleg," she wrote, "I will never marry you in a million season cycles. You are way too old for me. Go die in a hole. Not love, Blossomstar."

"That wasn't letting him down easy," Briarlight meowed. "Now you've gone and hurt his feelings."

"Who cares?" Blossomstar mewed dismissively. "I'm not marrying him."

The tabby assistant sighed and shook her head, opening another envelope. "DEAR BLOSSOMSTAR, YOU ARE THE MOST GORGEOUS SHE-CAT ON THE PLANET. MARRY ME! Love, Darkstripe."

"Ewww!" the queen wailed. "I have to respond to that. Note this down, sister. Dear Darkstripe, I will never marry you in a million season cycles. You are way way way way too old for me. Go die in a hole. Oh wait, you're already dead. That's how old you are. Go back to being dead and stop being weird. Not love, Blossomstar."

Briarlight scrambled to get the letter down on paper. "That was a little bit weird. Let me read another one. They can't all be that creepy."

She opened another envelope. "Dear Blossomstar, YOU ARE THE LIGHT OF MY LIFE AND QUEEN OF MY HEART. MARRY ME! Love, Lionheart."

"What is it with all these weird old toms being creepy?" Blossomstar meowed. "I guess I better respond to that."

She grabbed her paper and pen and wrote down her letter. "Dear Lionheart, your letter creeped me out. I will never marry you in a million season cycles. You are dead. You've been dead for like, seven years. Stop being weird and go back to being dead. Not love, Blossomstar."

"I hope not all of these letters are love letters," Briarlight meowed, picking up another envelope. "Maybe this one will be normal. Hm...DEAR BLOSSOMSTAR, OH MY GOSH YOU ARE THE MOST PERFECT SHE-CAT. YOU ARE EVEN BETTER THAN SQUIRRELFLIGHT, WHOM I HATE. YOU ARE SO MUCH BETTER THAN SQUIRRELFLIGHT, WHO SHOULD DIE A HORRIBLE DEATH FROM GETTING EATEN BY A FOX OR BADGER OR HAWK OR SOMETHING EVIL LIKE THAT. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH THAT I HIDE IN THE BUSH OUTSIDE YOUR BEDROOM AND WATCH YOU SLEEP. YOU ARE SO PRETTY WHEN YOU SLEEP. I WATCH YOU ALL THE TIME. I'M PROBABLY EVEN WATCHING YOU RIGHT NOW. I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE DOING EVERY SECOND OF THE DAY. YOU ARE MUCH PRETTIER THAN SQUIRRELFLIGHT WHEN YOU SLEEP. I HATE SQUIRRELFLIGHT! MARRY ME! Love, Ashfur."

"That's the weirdest letter yet!" Blossomstar exclaimed.

Briarlight looked concerned. "He watches you sleep? He's totally stalking you! That's weird and creepy and a little bit unnerving."

The queen nodded. "I think we need better security. Snowtuft and Shredtail must not be doing a good job."

"They fall asleep on the job all the time!" the assistant mewed. "And when they're awake they play Angry Robins on their PawPhones! It's no wonder Ashfur sneaks past them!"

"That does it! I'm calling Brokenstar's House of Villains," Blossomstar meowed. "I bet Brokenstar can find me better security guards."

Briarlight narrowed her eyes. "And doesn't Ashfur have a girlfriend?"

The queen thought for a moment. "He does. Or at least he will until she finds out about this! I need to write him back."

"Better make it good," her assistant meowed.

"Dear Ashfur," Blossomstar wrote, "I found your letter to be very creepy and weird. One, you have a girlfriend and shouldn't even be writing about wanting to marry me. Two, you have a girlfriend, so you should be over Squirrelflight. Three, stop stalking me! It's weird! Seriously, Ashfur, I will never marry you in a million season cycles. You are creepy and weird and I don't know why any she-cat on the face of the earth would ever want to marry you. You're better off moving to Saturn and proposing to an alien. Or just go die in a hole. You are too messed up and weird for normal she-cats. Stop stalking me and watching me while I sleep and stop talking about Squirrelflight. Go fall of a cliff, get trampled by wildebeests, or tossed into a fiery pit. Go be dead and stay dead and stop bothering me and Squirrelflight. Seriously creeped out, Blossomstar."

Briarlight heaved a sigh. "Okay, let's just do a few more letters. I don't know how much of this I can take."

The queen nodded, opening another letter. "Dear Blossomstar, thank you so much for being in my movie. You made me sixty million dollars and got me four new movie deals. It was a pleasure working with you. Sincerely, Tansy. PS, if my boyfriend writes to you asking you to marry him, you have my permission to throw him in The Blossom House for the Morally Insane. Ashfur is seriously beginning to annoy me with his obsessive stalking."

"Aw, she's so nice," Briarlight mewed.

"She is," Blossomstar meowed. "I'll have Brokenstar arrest Ashfur when he gets here. That creepy little furball can spend the next couple moons locked up."

The tabby she-cat picked up one more letter. "How about one more and then we save the rest for tomorrow?" she asked.

The queen nodded. "Sure. I can't be late for that manicure!"

Briarlight opened the envelope. "DEAR BLOSSOMSTAR, YOU ARE THE MOST WITTY, BEAUTIFUL, LOYAL, INTELLIGENT, PASSIONATE, SMART, CHARISMATIC, SELFLESS, GENEROUS, KIND, CARING, AMAZING, CHARMING, BRILLIANT, ADORABLE, STRONG, DARLING, BRAVE, AND COURAGEOUS SHE-CAT IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD. WE WERE MADE FOR EACH OTHER! MARRY ME! Love, Berrynose."

"Well, he is right about all of those things," Blossomstar mused.

"He's conceited," Briarlight snorted. "I really can't believe he'd love anyone other than himself. And besides, isn't he married? With two kids?"

The queen narrowed her eyes. "He just sees how awesome I am. I am better than Poppyfrost. I'm better than Honeyfern. I'm better than every she-cat who has ever lived. Berrynose just recognizes that. I wish all toms did. I should write him back a nice letter."

The assistant backed away slowly, a little creeped out by her sister. "You...you do that," she mewed. "I'm going to go spend some time with...less amazing cats for a while. Less conceited ones."

"I'm not conceited. I'm just the best," Blossomstar meowed.

"Right..." Briarlight replied. "Totally agree...not."

Somewhere in the distance, the sound of sobbing could be heard. It was all the toms who were turned down by the queen.

Well...and Mapleshade. She was still upset about Ralph, her pet blind crocodile, of course.